THE   BULLS 


THE     JONATHANS; 

COMPRISING 

JOHN  BULL  AND  BROTHER  JONATHAN 

AND 

JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

BY 

JAMES    K.   PAULDING. 


EDITED    BY    WILLIAM    I.    PAULDING. 


IN    ONE    VOLUME. 

^^^CiHfofni* 

NEW    YORK: 
CHARLES    SCRIBNER   AND   COMPANY. 

186T. 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1867,  -  y 

WILLIAM    I.    PAULDING, 

In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States  for  lie  Southern 
District  of  New  York 


CAMBRIDGE: 
STEREOTYPED  AND  PRINTED  BY  JOHN  WILSON  AND  SON. 


CONTENTS. 


JOHK  BULL  AND  BROTHER  JONATHAN. 

PAGE 
INTRODUCTION  TO  JOHN  BULL  AND  BROTHER  JONATHAN        3 

THE  DIVERT  NG  HISTORY  OF  JOHN  BULL  AND  BROTHER 
JONATHA>  7 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

INTRODUCTION  TO  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA 149 

PREFACE  OF  THE  EDITOR  TO  THE  FIRST  EDITION    .     .     .  169 

JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA;   OR,  THE  NEW  MUNCHAUSEN  .  183 

POSTSCRIPT  TO  THE  THIRD  EDITION  375 


INTRODUCTION 


JOHN  BULL  AND  BROTHER  JONATHAN, 


THIS  work  owes  its  existence  to '  the  uneasy  relations 
between  Great  Britain  and  the  United  States  in  the  begin 
ning  of  the  present  century.  After  a  great  deal  of  ill-feeling 
on  both  sides,  Congress  declared  wjuv-on  the  18th  of  June, 
1812.  The  book  was  already  published  on  the  5th  of  Septem 
ber  in  the  same  year,  as  appears  by  a  letter  of  the  author. 
Probably  it  had  then  been  "out"  some  little  time. 

The  §atire_is  so  transparent  that  there  is  scarcely  need 
of  elucidation;  but  I  have  nevertheless  added  a  few  notes. 
For  information  and  suggestions  in  regard  to  some  obscure 
personal  and  political  allusions  I  am  indebted  to  the  kind 
ness  of  an  early  friend  and  literary  associate  of  Mr.  Paul- 
ding,  Gulian  C.  Verplanck. 

The  present  reprint  is  from  Harper  &  Brothers'  edition 
of  1835,  the  only  one  of  which  I  have  been  able  to  pro 
cure  a  copy.  To  this  there  were  a  few  notes  by  the  author, 
which  I  have  distinguished  by  the  date.  Those  now  sub 
joined  have  none.  It  will  be  perceived  that  some  matter 
must  have  been  introduced  after  the  publication  of  the  first 
edition.  Not  having  a  copy  of  this  for  collation,  I  am 

[3] 


4  INTRODUCTION  TO 

unable  to  discriminate  it  exactly;  but  think  that  the  allu 
sions  to  "Major  Jack  Downing"  and  to  the  travellers  sub 
sequent  to  "Lawyer  Janson"  comprise  about  all. 

It  now  seems  a  pity  that  Mr.  Paulding  should  have  singled 
out  tourists  for  caricature.  But  he  wrote  in  an  atmosphere 
of  acerbity,  about  matters  then  really  of  almost  national  con 
cern,  though  at  the  present  day  they  can  scarcely  be  made  to 
appear  in  that  light.  _  He  looked  upon  the  whole  detracting 
tribe  as  mercenary  calumniators  of  an  entire  people,  with  no 
claim  to  either  courtesy  or  grace ;  and  pitched  upon  the  indi 
vidual  subjects  of  attack,  rather  as  types  of  the  different  styles 
of  British  objector,  than  from  any  personal  feeling  or  knowl 
edge  of  the  parties. 

I  extract  from  the  Appendix  to  the  two-volume  edition  of 
"Webster's  Dictionary,  page  1552,  the  following  account  of  the 
two  national  nicknames. 

BULL,  JOHN.  A  well-known  collective  name  of  the  English 
nation,  first  used  in  Arbuthnot's  satire,  "  The  History  of  John 
Bull",  usually  published  in  Swift's  works.  In  this  satire,  the 
French  are  designated  as  Lewis  Baboon,  the  Dutch  as  Nicho 
las  Frog,  &c.  The  "History  of  John  Bull"  was  designed  to 
ridicule  the  Duke  of  Maryborough. 

BROTHER  JONATHAN.  A  sportive  collective  name  for  the  people 
of  the  United  States. 

When  General  Washington,  after  being  appointed  commander 
of  the  army  of  the  Revolutionary  war,  went  to  Massachusetts 
to  organize  it,  and  make  preparations  for  the  defence  of  the 
country,  he  found  a  great  want  of  ammunition  and  other  means 
necessary  to  meet  the  powerful  foe  he  had  to  contend  with,  and 
great  difficulty  in  obtaining  them.  If  attacked  in  such  condition, 
the  cause  at  once  might  be  hopeless.  On  one  occasion,  at  that 
anxious  period,  a  consultation  of  the  officers  and  others  was 
had,  when  it  seemed  no  way  could  be  devised  to  make  such 
preparation  as  was  necessary.  His  Excellency  Jonathan  Trum- 
bull,  the  elder,  was  then  governor  of  Connecticut,  and,  as  Wash- 


JOHN  BULL  AND  BROTHER  JONATHAN.        5 

ington  placed  the  greatest  reliance  on  his  judgment  and  aid,  he 
remarked,  "  We  must  consult  Brother  Jonathan  on  the  subject." 
He  did  so,  and  the  governor  was  successful  in  supplying  many 
of  the  wants  of  the  army.  When  difficulties  afterward  arose, 
and  the  army  was  spread  over  the  country,  it  became  a  by-word 
—  "  We  must  consult  Brother  Jonathan."  The  origin  of  the  ex 
pression  being  soon  lost  sight  of,  the  name  Brother  Jonathan 
came  to  be  regarded  as  the  national  sobriquet. 

Of  course  a  work  of  this  character  loses  much  of  in 
terest  and  point  by  the  mere  lapse  of  time.  The  most 
laborious  annotation,  the  fullest  historical  knowledge  of  the 
period,  would  fail  to  put  the  reader  in  the  place  of  a  cotem- 
porary  to  whom  the  subject  had  been  for  years  a  matter 
of  daily  thought  feeling  and  discussion.  Many  of  the 
hardest  hits  therefore  have  lost  their  force  for  us  of  to-day ; 
or,  at  all  events,  we  no  longer  see  distinctly  where  or  to 
what  extent  they  took  effect.  At  the  same  time  the  merits 
of  the  production  are  far  from  being  altogether  ephemeral. 
Apart  from  the  fun  of  the  book  and  the  shrewd  exhibit  of 
national  peculiarities,  it  is  a  specimen  of  simple,  straight 
forward,  idiomatic,  English,  such  as  it  is  not  easy  to  match. 

W.  I.  P. 


DIVERTING    HISTORY 


OF 


JOHN  BULL  AND  BROTHER  JONATHAN. 


CHAPTER  I. 

How  Squire  Bull  quarrelled  with  his  youngest  Son,  Brother  Jonathan,  and 
forced  him  out  in  the  woods;  and  how  the  Squire,  when  Jonathan  had 
cleared  away  the  woods,  grew  to  be  very  fond  of  him,  and  undertook  to 
pick  his  pockets,  but  got  handsomely  rib-roasted  for  his  pains. 

JOHN  BULL  was  a  choleric  old  fellow,  who  held  a 
good  manor  in  the  middle  of  a  great  mill-pond.  This 
manor,  by  reason  of  its  being  quite  surrounded  by 
water,  was  generally  called  Bullock  Island.  Bull  was 
an  ingenious  man,  an  exceeding  good  blacksmith,  a 
dexterous  cutler,  and  a  notable  weaver  and  pot-baker 
besides.  He  also  brewed  capital  porter,  ale,  and  small- 
beer,  and  was,  in  fact,  a  sort  of  jack-of-all-trades,  and 
good  at  each.  In  addition,  he  was  a  hearty  fellow,  an 
excellent  bottle-companion,  and  passably  honest  as 
times  go. 

But  what  tarnished  all  these  qualities  was  a  devil 
ish  quarrelsome,  overbearing  disposition,  which  was 
always  getting  him  into  some  scrape  or  other.  The 
truth  is,  he  never  heard  of  a  quarrel  going  on  among 
his  neighbours,  but  his  fingers  itched  to  be  in  the  thick- 

[7] 


8  JOHN  BULL  AND 

est  of  them ;  so  that  he  was  hardly  ever  seen  without 
a  broken  head,  a  black  eye,  or  a  bloody  nose.  Such 
was  Squire  Bull,  as  he  was  commonly  called  by  the 
country  people  his  neighbours  —  one  of  those  odd, 
testy,  grumbling,  boasting  old  codgers,  that  never  get 
credit  for  what  they  are,  because  they  are  always 
pretending  to  be  what  they  are  not. 

The  squire  was  as  tight  a  hand  to  deal  with  in 
doors  as  out ;  sometimes  treating  his  family  as  if  they 
were  not  the  same  flesh  and  blood,  when  they  hap 
pened  to  differ  with  him  in  certain  matters.  One  day 
he  got  into  a  dispute  with  his  youngest  son  Jonathan, 
who  was  familiarly  called  BROTHER  JONATHAN,  about 
whether  churches  ought  to  be  called  churches  or  meet 
ing-houses  ;  and  whether  steeples  were  not  an  abomi 
nation.  The  squire,  either  having  the  worst  of  the 
argument,  or  being  naturally  impatient  of  contradic 
tion,  (I  can't  tell  which),  fell  into  a  great  passion,  and 
swore  he  would  physic  such  notions  out  of  the  boy's 
noddle.  So  he  went  to  some  of  his  doctors,  and  got 
them  to  draw  up  a  prescription,  made  up  of  thirty- 
nine  different  articles,  many  of  them  bitter  enough  to 
some  palates.  This  he  tried  to  make  Jonathan  swal 
low;  and  finding  he  made  villanous  wry  faces,  and 
would  not  do  it,  fell  upon  him  and  beat  him  like  fury. 
After  this,  he  made  the  house  so  disagreeable  to  him, 
that  Jonathan,  though  as  hard  as  a  pine  knot  and  as 
tough  as  leather,  could  bear  it  no  longer.  Taking  his 
gun  and  his  axe,  he  put  himself  in  a  boat,  and  pad 
dled  over  the  millpond  to  some  new  lands  to  which 
the  squire  pretended  some  sort  of  claim,  intending  to 
settle  them,  and  build  a  meeting-house  without  a  stee 
ple  as  soon  as  he  grew  rich  enough. 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  9 

When  he  got  over,  Jonathan  found  that  the  land 
was  quite  in  a  state  of  nature,  covered  with  wood, 
and  inhabited  only  by  wild  beasts.  But  being  a  lad 
of  mettle,  he  took  his  axe  on  one  shoulder  and  his 
gun  on  the  other,  marched  into  the  thickest  of  the 
wood,  and  clearing  a  place,  built  a  log-hut.  Pursuing 
his  labours,  and  handling  his  axe  like  a  notable  wood 
man,  he  in  a  few  years  cleared  the  land,  which  he 
laid  out  into  thirteen  good  farms :  and  building  him 
self  a  fine  frame-house  about  half  finished,  began  to 
be  quite  snug  and  comfortable. 

But  Squire  Bull,  who  was  getting  old  and  stingy, 
and,  besides,  was  in  great  want  of  money  on  account 
of  his  having  lately  been  made  to  pay  swingeing 
damages  for  assaulting  his  neighbours  and  breaking 
their  heads  —  the  squire,  I  say,  finding  Jonathan  was 
getting  well  to  do  in  the  world,  began  to  be  very  much 
troubled  about  his  welfare :  so  he  demanded  that 
Jonathan  should  pay  him  a  good  rent  for  the  land 
which  he  had  cleared  and  made  good  for  something. 
He  trumped  up  I  know  not  what  claim  against  him, 
and  under  different  pretences  managed  to  pocket  all 
Jonathan's  honest  gains.  In  fact,  the  poor  lad  had 
not  a  shilling  left  for  holiday  occasions ;  and  had  it 
not  been  for  the  filial  respect  he  felt  for  the  old  man, 
he  would  certainly  have  refused  to  submit  to  such 
impositions. 

But  for  all  this,  in  a  little  time,  Jonathan  grew  up 
to  be  very  large  of  his  age,  and  became  a  tall,  stout, 
double-jointed,  broad-footed  cub  of  a  fellow,  awkward 
in  his  gait,  and  simple  in  his  appearance ;  but  show 
ing  a  lively,  shrewd  look,  and  having  the  promise  of 
great  strength  when  he  should  get  his  full  growth. 


10  JOHN  BULL  AND 

He  was  rather  an  odd-looking  chap,  in  truth,  and  had 
many  queer  ways ;  but  everybody  that  had  seen  John 
Bull  saw  a  great  likeness  between  them,  and  swore  he 
was  John's  own  boy,  and  a  true  chip  of  the  old  block. 
Like  the  old  squire,  he  was  apt  to  be  blustering  and 
saucy,  but  in  the  main  was  a  peaceable  sort  of  care 
less  fellow,  that  would  quarrel  with  nobody  if  you 
only  let  him  alone.  He  used  to  dress  in  homespun 
trousers  with  a  huge  bagging  seat,  which  seemed  to 
have  nothing  in  it.  This  caused  people  to  say  he  had 
no  bottom ;  but  whoever  said  so  lied,  as  they  found  to 
their  cost  whenever  they  put  Jonathan  in  a  passion. 
He  always  wore  a  linsey-woolsey  coat,  that  did  not 
above  half  cover  his  breech,  and  the  sleeves  of  which 
were  so  short  that  his  hand  and  wrist  came  out  be 
yond  them,  looking  like  a  shoulder  of  mutton.  All 
which  was  in  consequence  of  his  growing  so  fast  that 
he  outgrew  his  clothes. 

While  Jonathan  was  outgrowing  his  strength  in 
this  way,  Bull  kept  on  picking  his  pockets  of  every 
penny  he  could  scrape  together ;  till  at  last,  one  day 
when  the  squire  was  even  more  than  usually  pressing 
in  his  demands,  which  he  accompanied  with  threats, 
Jonathan  started  up  in  a  furious  passion,  and  threw 
the  TEA-KETTLE*  at  the  old  man's  head.  The  choleric 
Bull  was  hereupon  exceedingly  enraged;  and  after 
calling  the  poor  lad  an  undutiful,  ungrateful,  rebel 
lious  rascal,  seized  him  by  the  collar,  and  forthwith  a 
furious  scuffle  ensued.  This  laste'd  a  long  time ;  for 
the  squire,  though  in  years,  was  a  capital  boxer,  and 
of  most  excellent  bottom.  At  last,  however,  Jonathan 

*  The  destruction  of  tea  in  Boston  harbor,  followed  by  the  revolutionary 
war  and  the  acknowledgment  of  independence. 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  11 

got  him  under,  and,  before  he  would  let  him  up,  made 
him  sign  a  paper  giving  up  all  claim  to  the  farms, 
and  acknowledging  the  fee-simple  to  be  in  Jonathan 
for  ever. 


CHAPTER  H. 

How  Jonathan  made  good  the  old  saying,  that  a  man  don't  know  when  he 
is  well  off,  and  got  married. 

As  soon  as  Jonathan  had  thus,  as  it  were,  disinher 
ited  his  father,  and  set  up  for  himself,  he,  like  other 
young  fellows  just  out  of  leading-strings,  thought  it 
high  time  to  get  a  wife.*  So  he  got  himself  an  excel 
lent  one  from  among  the  tenants,  by  whose  aid  he 
prospered  exceedingly.  But  when  old  Mrs.  Bull,f 
Squire  Bull's  wife,  of  whom  I  shall  speak  more  anon, 
heard  that  Jonathan  had  taken  to  himself  a  helpmate, 
and  begun  house-keeping  on  his  own  account  without 
asking  her  consent,  she  flew  into  a  great  passion  and 
scolded  roundly.  This  madam,  though  Jonathan's 
own  mother,  never  much  liked  the  poor  fellow,  and  it 
was  all  along  of  her  advice  that  Squire  Bull  kept  the 
lad  so  short  of  money;  for  Mrs.  Bull  used  to  insist 
upon  it  that  young  boys  should  never  be  allowed  any 
pocket-money:  it  only  led  them  into  mischief  and 
bad  company.  } 

As  soon  as  she  found  out  Jonathan's  marriage,  she 

*  The  old  Congress.  t  Parliament. 


12  JOHN   BULL   AND 

went  to  Squire  Bull,  and  talked  away  just  as  old 
women  are  used  to  do  to  their  husbands.  She  told 
Bull  the  poor  stripling  would  be  ruined  by  his  wife, 
who  was  a  low-bred,  impertinent  minx,  that  nobody 
knew.  "  I  tell  thee,  John,"  quoth  madam,  "  that  this 
poor  silly  fellow  is  no  more  fit  to  marry  than  the 
child  unborn,  and  will  come  to  naught  as  sure  as  you 
are  alive,  if  you  don't  take  means  to  get  him  out 
of  the  hands  of  this  little  upstart,  ill-bred,  illegitimate 
minx."  All  this  while  the  squire  would  be  walking 
about,  with  his  hands  in  his  waistcoat  pockets,  and 
his  head  drooping  on  one  side,  whistling  as  people  do 
when  they  don't  know  what  to  say. 

Then  the  old  lady  would  put  on  her  hat  and  cloak, 
sally  forth  among  the  gossips  of  the  neighbourhood, 
and  complain  of  this  daughter-in-law.  She  would 
turn  up  her  nose  at  her,  and  declare  she  would  never 
acknowledge  her,  not  she  —  a  good-for-nothing,  im 
pudent  hussy,  to  thrust  herself  into  so  respectable 
a  family  as  Squire  Bull's.  "  For  my  part,"  exclaimed 
she,  "  I  sha'n't  take  the  least  notice  of  her,  not  I  —  as 
they  have  brewed  so  they  must  bake ;  as  they  make 
the  bed  so  they  must  lie  in  it ; "  together  with  a  num 
ber  of  other  equally  wise  sayings.  Then  she  tried  to 
persuade  the  neighbours  not  to  visit  Mrs.  Jonathan, 
and  absolutely  quarrelled  with  several  of  them  for 
acknowledging  her  as  Jonathan's  wife. 

As  to  Mrs.  Jonathan,  she  was  not  much  behind 
hand  with  old  Mrs.  Bull;  and, when  she  heard  of  the 
old  lady's  giving  herself  such  high  flights,  would  put 
her  arms  a-kimbo  and  exclaim,  "  Marry  come  up !  I 
wonder,  forsooth,  who  Mrs.  Bull  is  —  a  mighty  great 
madam,  to  be  sure,  to  give  herself  such  airs.  Why, 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  13 

it  is  but  the  other  day  that  old  Oliver  What-d'ye- 
callum  kicked  her  rump  for  her,  and  turned  her  out  of 
Squire  Bull's  house  in  a  jiffy.  In  good  truth,  madam, 
my  lady  mother  had  better  look  at  home  and  mind 
her  own  affairs,  I  can  tell  her  that." 

But  what  provoked  old  Mrs.  Bull  more  than  any 
thing  else  was,  that  her  daughter-in-law  used  to  dress 
just  like  the  old  lady,  and  imitate  her  on  all  occasions, 
insomuch  that  people  would  say  that  Mrs.  Jonathan 
was  very  much  like  her  mother-in-law,  and,  consider 
ing  her  education,  behaved  herself  quite  like  a  lady. 

These  family  disturbances  used  to  annoy  Jonathan 
not  a  little ;  nevertheless,  he  found  great  reason  to  be 
satisfied  with  his  wife,  who  turned  out  to  be  a  very 
notable  woman  and  right  thrifty  housekeeper,  so  that, 
when  she  died,  she  left  behind  her  among  the  tenants 
an  excellent  name,  though  old  Mrs.  Bull  could  never 
bear  to  hear  her  mentioned.  By  her  advice  and  assist 
ance,  Jonathan  prospered  in  all  his  affairs ;  his  farms 
grew  more  valuable  every  year;  the  number  of  his 
tenants  increased  rapidly ;  and  so  successful  was  he 
in  all  his  speculations,  that  the  neighbours  prophe 
sied,  if  he  lived  to  be  an  old  man,  he  would  be  one 
of  the  richest  of  his  day. 

In  a  little  time  the  tenants  began  to  build  a  great 
many  boats,  to  carry  their  grain  to  different  parts  of 
the  great  mill-pond,  insomuch  that  you  could  hardly 
go  into  any  part  of  it  without  meeting  them.  This 
made  Squire  Bull  not  a  little  jealous,  for  he  was  the 
greatest  boatman  that  ever  was  known,  and  could  not 
bear  to  see  Brother  Jonathan,  whom  in  his  cups  he 
called  a  rebellious  rascal,  prosper  so  handsomely  in 
his  affairs. 


14  JOHN  BULL   AND 

But  young  Jonathan  went  on  steadily,  without 
troubling  himself  about  his  neighbours'  business ;  and 
by  dint  of  regular  living,  plain  diet,  and  wholesome 
exercise,  daily  acquired  strength,  until  at  last  he  grew 
so  stout,  that,  though  he  did  not  know  much  about 
boxing  or  cudgel-playing,  he  was  able  to  wrestle  a 
fall  with  any  lad  of  his  age  in  all  the  neighbourhood. 
Still,  you  could  see  he  had  not  come  to  half  his 
strength  as  yet;  and  that  when  his  sinews  were  a 
little  hardened,  and  his  joints  stronger-knit,  woe  be  to 
the  blockhead  that  should  wantonly  provoke  him  to 
raise  his  fist,  for  it  would  come  down  like  unto  a 
sledge-hammer ! 


CHAPTER   in. 

How  Squire  John  got  a  flea  in  his  ear,  and  how  his  fingers  itched  to  get  the 
whole  mill-pond  under  his  thumb. 

AFTER  this  great  quarrel,  John  Bull  and  Brother 
Jonathan  continued  on  speaking  terms,  and  seemed 
quite  reconciled  ;  but  it  was  all  grimace  on  the  squire's 
part,  for  he  could  never  forgive  poor  Jonathan  for  mak 
ing  him  give  up  the  farms  in  the  way  he  did.  Now 
Jonathan,  though  in  the  scuffle  with  Bull  he  had  got 
some  scratches,  the  scars  of  which  remained  a  long 
time,  I  verily  believe  felt  many  yearnings  of  affection 
for  his  old  dad,  and  if  he  had  been  treated  with 
any  sort  of  fatherly  kindness,  would  have  loved  him 
with  all  his  heart.  But  the  old  fellow  never  missed  a 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  15 

chance  of  doing  Jonathan  an  ill  turn,  and  wherever 
they  met  would  be  biting  his  thumb,  and  snapping  his 
fingers,  at  him.  All  which  Jonathan  put  up  with  on 
account  of  the  respect  he  still  could  not  help  feeling 
for  the  father  that  begat  him.  In  his  heart  he  made 
all  sorts  of  excuses  for  him,  considering  he  was  old, 
infirm,  and  almost  in  his  dotage. 

The  squire,  by  reason  of  his  living  on  an  island, 
kept  a  huge  parcel  of  boats  to  ply  to  and  again  to 
different  parts  of  the  great  millpond,  which  was  a 
good  many  leagues  about,  and  where  he  sent  vast 
quantities  of  his  blacksmith's  work,  and  excellent 
porter.  By  this  means  his  tenants  grew  to  be  exceed 
ing  expert  boatmen,  and  would  venture  out  at  all 
times,  let  the  wind  blow  ever  so  hard. 

John,  instead  of  being  satisfied  with  this,  was  every 
now  and  then  ripping  up  an  old  claim,  which,  (even 
if  his  ancestors  had  ever  made  it  good),  had  been 
given  up  long  before.  The  foundation  of  the  claim 
was  this :  —  It  seems  some  of  the  Bull  family,  being 
great  boasters  in  their  cups,  used  now  and  then  to 
pretend  that,  because  they  had  the  greatest  number 
of  boats,  they  ought  to  be  lords  of  the  mill-pond,  which 
they  swore  was  part  of  the  manor  of  Bullock. 

This  notion  took  highly  among  their  tenants,  but 
their  neighbours  only  laughed  at  it,  till  one  of  these 
doughty  fellows  went  out  upon  the  mill-pond,  and 
undertook  to  make  them  all  pull  off  their  hats  as  a 
sort  of  compliment  for  his  great  good-nature  in  letting 
them  sail  their  boats  there.  Then  they  thought  the 
joke  was  going  too  far,  and  great  disputes  were  car 
ried  on  for  many  years.  At  last  this  big  fellow  got 
his  bitters ;  for  chancing  one  day  to  meet  an  old  neigh- 


16  JOHN   BULL   AND 

bour  of  his,  one  Mynheer  Van  Tromp,  a  great  fish 
erman,  catching  herrings,  he  swore  he  should  pull 
off  his  hat,  or  else  push  off  and  not  fish  any  more. 
Mynheer  Van  Tromp  smoked  on,  without  taking  any 
notice,  upon  which  John  Bull's  ancestor  undertook  to 
lay  hold  of  his  hat  to  pull  it  off;  but  Van  Tromp, 
without  taking  his  pipe  out  of  his  mouth,  gave  him 
such  a  pat  on  the  head  with  his  paddle,  that  he  was 
glad  enough  to  let  mynheer's  broad  brim  alone  after 
that.  But  for  all  this,  the  Bulls  would  now  and  then, 
whenever  they  could  do  it  safely,  revive  these  preten 
sions,  which  they  never  could  be  brought  to  give  up 
until  they  were  fairly  cudgelled  out  of  them  by  the 
neighbours.  Whenever  this  happened,  they  always 
took  care  to  reserve  the  right,  as  they  called  it,  though 
they  gave  up  the  exercise  of  it ;  and  if  the  least  pre 
tence  offered,  would  be  at  their  old  capers  again. 

John  Bull,  the  subject  of  our  history,  by  reason  of 
his  being  troubled  with  a  lack  of  understanding,  was 
obliged  to  trust  his  business  altogether  to  a  parcel 
of  hireling  servants ;  who,  as  is  always  the  case,  man 
aged  to  cheat  him  out  of  the  profits  of  his  manor, 
until  at  last  he  grew  quite  poor,  and  lived  pretty 
much  by  borrowing  and  other  shifts.  The  squire  was 
not  a  little  nettled  at  this,  and  forthwith  ordered  them 
to  make  out  their  accounts,  to  see  how  matters  stood. 
These  cunning  varlets  were  not  a  little  frightened  at 
being  brought  to  a  reckoning,  but  they  soon  devised  a 
scheme  to  hum  John  a  little.  This  was  no  other  than 
persuading  the  poor  noddy  that  the  great  amount  of 
his  debts  was  a  proof  of  his  vast  riches.  This  was  a 
little  too  deep  for  Bull's  sounding-line;  but  when  a 
man  does  not  know  his  own  business,  it  is  absolutely 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  17 

necessary  that  he  should  believe  in  somebody ;  and  so 
the  squire  shrugged  up  his  shoulders,  and  said,  "  I 
suppose  it  must  be  so,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing  — 
but  hang  me  if  I  can  make  it  out." 

But  these  false  rogues,  knowing  that  the  truth  must 
come  out  at  last,  because  John  was  even  obliged  to 
borrow  money  of  his  tenants  in  order  to  pay  them 
their  own  interest,  and  that  he  must  fail  unless  his 
means  increased  greatly,  did  put  it  into  his  head  to 
get  all  the  business  of  the  mill-pond  into  his  own 
hands,  under  the  old  pretence  that  the  whole  of  it 
belonged  to  him,  and  that  he  had  all  along  permitted 
the  neighbours  to  use  it  out  of  his  own  good  will. 

This  was  tickling  John  just  where  he  liked  it ;  but 
he  had  somehow  or  other,  I  don't  know  how,  man 
aged  to  get,  among  his  tenants,  the  character  of  a 
mighty  honest  fellow;  and  he  knew  if  he  lost  this, 
by  being  too  barefaced  in  his  injustice  toward  his 
neighbours,  the  tenants  would  not  lend  him  any  more 
money.  It  was  therefore  proper,  in  order  to  keep  up 
his  good  name,  to  find  out  some  cunning  pretext  by 
which  he  might  satisfy  the  tenants  and  quiet  his  own 
conscience.  The  squire  belonged  to  that  class  of  hon 
esty  which  scruples  much  less  at  doing  wrong  than 
in  being  found  out.  To  such  folks  a  poor  excuse 
is  better  than  none;  and  luckily,  while  they  were 
casting  about  in  great  perplexity,  John's  great  enemy 
and  rival,  Beau  Napperty,*  helped  him  to  one  of  the 
neatest  in  the  world.  It  is  proper  to  say  a  few  words 
of  this  Beau,  who  will  act  no  small  part  in  this 
renowned  history. 

*  Napoleon  I. 


18  JOHN  BULL  AND 


CHAPTER  IV. 

Of  Beau  Napperty;  and  what  sort  of  a  chap  he  was. 

IT  is  not  worth  while  to  tell  how  old  Lewis 
Baboon,*  an  honest  fellow  enough,  was  killed  by  his 
tenants  in  a  drunken  frolic ;  and  how  his  neighbour, 
Squire  Bull,  with  one  Fred  Brandenberger,f  and  the 
old  President  of  the  College, :f  first  made  believe  they 
wanted  to  get  back  his  estate  for  his  heirs,  and  then 
began  to  carve  it  out  among  themselves.  Fred  and 
the  old  President  did  not  care  two  coppers  for  the 
Baboons,  but  took  sides  with  John,  because  he  sup 
plied  them  with  spending  money,  paid  their  scores 
wherever  they  went,  and  tickled  their  vanity  by  pat 
ting  them  on  the  back,  and  calling  them  the  deliverers 
of  the  neighbourhood.  This  was  the  way  with  John, 
who  always  paid  the  piper,  let  who  would  dance. 

It  is  well  known  that  these  three  fellows,  in  trying 
each  to  get  a  slice  of  the  manor  of  Frogmore,  as  that 
of  the  Baboons  was  called,  got  their  fingers  burnt  to 
a  blister,  and  were  glad  enough  to  get  home  as  well 
as  they  could,  especially  when  little  Beau  Napperty 
took  up  the  cudgel. 

Beau  Napperty,  as  I  have  heard  say,  was  called 
Beau  because  he  was  no  beau  at  all ;  but,  though  the 
greatest  soldier  of  his  day,  wore  a  little  three-cornered 
cocked-hat  without  any  feather,  and  would  have  cut 
no  figure  among  our  militia  officers  on  training-days. 

*  Louis  XVI.  f  King  of  Prussia,  Elector  of  Brandenburgh.    1835. 

$  Emperor  of  Austria,  head  of  the  Electoral  College.    1835. 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  19 

Some  great  generals,  who  shall  be  nameless,  seem  to 
think  the  finer  soldiers  are  dressed  the  better  they  will 
fight;  but  it  was  not  so  with  little  Beau  Napperty, 
who,  with  a  parcel  of  ragamuffins  without  breeches, 
did  not  care  a  fig  for  the  best  man  in  all  the  neigh 
bourhood.  It  must  be  confessed,  however,  that  he 
wore  a  most  monstrous  sword,  which  he  could  hardly 
drag  along  after  him;  and  those  who  could  see  a 
great  way  into  a  millstone,  prophesied  he  would  soon 
wear  himself  out  by  trailing  this  huge  toasting-iron. 
He  was  withal  one  of  the  most  active  little  fellows  in 
the  world ;  it  seemed  that  he  could  be  in  two  places 
at  a  time;  and  I  can  tell  you  that  whoever  got  to 
windward  of  him  must  sail  right  in  the  wind's  eye, 
and  get  up  before  daylight.  He  carried  a  great  pinch 
beck  box  in  his  breeches  pocket,  out  of  which  he  took 
snuff  every  half  minute.  He  was,  moreover,  a  lad  of 
great  mettle,  and  would  not  turn  his  back  on  the  best 
man  that  ever  stepped. 

Beau  Napperty  was  born  in  a  little  scrubby  island, 
not  far  from  the  manor  of  Frogmore;  and  there 
being  no  school-masters  thereabouts,  was  sent  to  an 
academy  in  the  latter  place,  where  he  studied  club- 
law  with  all  his  might,  and,  it  is  said,  practised  it  on 
the  pates  of  his  school-fellows.  He  was  all  the  time 
playing  soldier,  and  strutting  about  in  a  paper  cocked- 
hat,  with  a  wooden  sword,  and  marching  ahead  of 
the  boys  with  as  much  gravity  as  if  he  had  been 
a  general.  They  say  he  was  as  proud  as  Lucifer, 
and  did  not  much  mind  robbing  an  orchard  or  steal 
ing  water-melons;  though  he  never  betrayed  his  ac 
complices,  but  stuck  to  them  like  a  hearty  fellow. 
Many  other  stories  were  told  about  him,  little  to  his 


20  JOHN  BULL  AND 

credit,  but  I  don't  vouch  for  their  truth;  because, 
when  he  got  to  be  a  great  man,  he  fell  out  with 
John  Bull,  who  is  one  of  those  old  fellows  that 
fight  and  scold  at  the  same  time,  and,  if  they  can't 
beat  you,  are  pretty  sure  to  take  away  your  good 
name. 

Beau  Napperty  was. quite  a  lad  when  old  Lewis 
Baboon  was  killed  by  his  tenants  in  a  drunken  frolic. 
In  the  confusion  that  followed  he  took  part  with  the 
tenants ;  who,  after  squabbling  and  fighting  with  each 
other  about  who  should  be  lord  of  the  manor,  setting 
up  one  and  putting  down  another,  and  running  riot 
at  an  awful  rate  like  so  many  Indians,  at  last  quietly 
suffered  Beau  Napperty  to  put  the  bit  into  their 
mouths,  and  ride  over  them  rough-shod,  as  the  saying 
is.  They  wanted  a  master,  and  they  got  one,  with  a 
heart  and  a  hand  stout  enough  to  hold  in  a  team 
of  wild  horses. 

After  this  he  was  always  in  hot  water  with  his 
neighbours,  especially  Squire  Bull,  with  whom  he 
had  many  a  bout  at  cudgel-playing.  He  almost  al 
ways  beat  John  on  land,  and  John  always  beat  him 
on  the  water ;  so  that  each  had  one  of  the  elements 
to  brag  on;  and  as  one  scuffle  balanced  the  other,, 
neither  of  them  was  likely  to  give  out.  Some  people 
said  this  everlasting  bickering  was  the  fault  of  Beau 
Napperty,  and  some  laid  it  all  to  Squire  Bull.  For 
my  part,  I  could  never  make  head  or  tail  of  it ;  and 
finally  came  to  the  conclusion,  that  these  quarrels, 
like  most  others  I  have  seen  in  my  day,  were  brought 
about  by  faults  on  both  sides.  It  takes  two  people  to 
make  a  fight,  as  it  does  a  flint  and  a  steel  to  strike 
fire.  Be  this  as  it  may,  betwixt  Beau  Napperty 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  21 

and  John  Bull  and  his  friends,  the  whole  neighbour 
hood  was  kept  in  a  turmoil,  from  the  time  I  was 
a  little  boy  until  I  grew  up  to  be  a  man  and 
became  a  justice  of  the  peace  on  one  of  Jonathan's 
farms. 

But  whoever  began  the  quarrel,  Squire  Bull  cer 
tainly  struck  the  first  blow;  for  I  happened  to  be 
looking  on  at  the  time,  as  I  shall  relate  in  the  next 
chapter. 


CHAPTER  V. 

How  Squire  Bull  took  a  violent  liking  to  Lewis  Baboon  (after  he  was  dead), 
and  in  company  with  one  Fred  Brandeuberger,  and  the  old  President  of 
the  College,  set  about  getting  the  Manor  of  Frogmore  for  his  heirs,  as 
they  said. 

Now,  after  the  death  of  Lewis  Baboon,  John  Bull, 
who  bitterly  hated  him  and  his  whole  generation  when 
alive,  began  to  speak  well  of  them,  and  to  talk  that  it 
was  a  shame  for  this  upstart  fellow,  Beau  Napperty, 
to  be  suffered  to  hold  the  manor  of  Frogmore.  In 
short,  he  worked  himself  up  into  a  violent  fit  of  com 
passion  and  generosity ;  insomuch  that  he  determined 
to  set  about  recovering  this  inheritance  for  his  partic 
ular  friends  the  Baboons,  as  he  said.  He  forthwith 
went  to  work,  and  sent  over  whole  boat-loads  of  his 
tenants,  to  join  the  tenants  of  Fred  Brandenberger 
and  the  old  president,  both  of  whom  agreed,  from 
pure  love  of  the  Baboons  and  of  Bull's  guineas,  to 
help  along  the  good  old  cause,  as  it  was  called. 


22  JOHN  BULL  AND 

Before  they  set  out,  however,  these  three  wise 
fellows  clubbed  their  brains  together,  and  put  up  a 
public  notice  in  divers  places,  calling  upon  Baboon's 
ancient  tenants  to  rise  up  and  kick  Beau  Napperty 
out  of  the  manor.  They  also  set  forth  their  long 
friendship  and  intimacy  with  old  Lewis  Baboon,  who, 
they  swore,  was  one  of  the  best  landlords  that  ever 
broke  bread ;  and  finally  professed  the  greatest  regard, 
not  only  for  the  rights  and  welfare  of  the  good  tenants 
of  Frogmore,  but  likewise  of  the  whole  neighbour 
hood. 

Now  this  was  a  good  one ;  for  everybody  knew 
that  Fred  Brandenberger  and  the  old  President  of  the 
College  cared  no  more  for  their  own  tenants,  much 
less  those  of  other  people,  than  if  they  were  so  many 
beasts.  True  it  is  these  tenants  were  for  the  most 
part  a  set  of  mean-spirited  rascals,  who  suffered  their 
overseers  to  kick  and  cuff  them  about  like  dirt ;  and, 
by  dint  of  having  their  rents  raised  every  quarter-day, 
their  fields  laid  waste,  and  their  sons  taken  off  by  re 
cruiting  parties,  had  become  so  miserably  poor,  that 
they  were  on  the  very  verge  of  starving.  It  must, 
however,  be  confessed,  that  Bull's  tenants  were  better 
off,  though  their  rents  were  so  high  that  they  hardly 
knew  which  way  to  turn  themselves  to  raise  the 
money.  In  order  to  pay  these  rents,  the  greater  part 
of  them  were  forced  to  live  upon  bread  and  cheese 
and  small-beer.  Yet,  for  all  this,  they  sung  songs 
about  roast  beef;  so  that,  though  their  bellies  were 
filled  with  bread  and  cheese  and  windy  small-beer, 
their  fancy  teemed  with  sirloins  of  beef,  which  was 
equal  to  having  the  best  meal  in  the  world.  They 
were  also  allowed  the  privilege  of  grumbling,  provided 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  23 

they  grumbled  in  reason;  of  which  John's  attorney, 
one  Vicary  Gibbs,*  was  to  be  the  sole  judge. 

However,  Brandenberger  and  the  old  president, 
who  knew  their  tenants  were  obliged  to  believe  just 
what  they  were  pleased  to  tell  them,  went  and  pasted 
up,  on  the  gallows  and  whipping-posts  that  abound 
in  their  manors,  an  advertisement,  calling  upon  them 
to  come  forth  and  defend  their  rights,  properties,  and 
the  good  old  customs  of  the  manor,  against  that  quar 
relsome  fellow  Beau  Napperty,  the  enemy  of  right, 
the  friend  of  wrong,  the  oppressor  of  his  tenants,  and 
the  general  disturber  of  the  whole  neighbourhood. 
Then,  in  order  to  convince  the  tenants  of  their  happy 
condition,  they  sent  round  overseers  and  bailiffs,  to 
take  from  them  what  little  they  had  left,  that  they 
might  be  better  able  to  defend  the  remainder,  and, 
if  they  demurred,  to  cudgel  them  into  a  proper  esti 
mation  of  their  rights  and  liberties. 

The  honest  tenants  wondered,  as  usual,  where  these 
mighty  blessings  they  were  thus  called  upon  to  de 
fend  were  hid ;  and  puzzled  their  heads  to  little  pur 
pose  to  comprehend  how  the  peace  of  the  neighbour 
hood  was  to  be  preserved  by  setting  it  together  by 
the  ears ;  but  they  soon  had  their  wits  quickened  by 
a  proper  application  of  chains  and  cudgels,  and  at 
the  same  time  Bull's  sturdy  fellows  were  handsomely 
cheated  into  the  matter  by  Mrs.  Bull,  who  was  a 
great  talker,  and  could  almost  make  black  appear  the 
white  of  your  eye. 

*  Sir  Vicary  Gibbs,  attorney-general  of  England,  as  such  was  very  bitter 
politically ;  and  in  his  prosecutions  so  much  so,  as  to  excite  popular  indigna 
tion.  He  was  appointed  in  1813  a  puisne  judge  of  the  common  pleas,  and 
in  1814  chief-justice  of  the  same  court;  and  died  in  1820,  leaving  a  high  rep» 
utation  for  ability  and  integrity. 


24  JOHN   BULL   AND 

As  many  battles  and  cudgelling-bouts  will  take 
place  in  the  course  of  this  history,  it  may  be  just  as 
well  to  explain  how  it  happened  that  Bull  and  the 
rest  of  them  did  not  now  and  then  get  clapped  up  for 
these  breaches  of  the  peace.  The  truth  of  the  matter 
is,  that  John  and  the  rest  of  the  old  landlords,  though 
they  always  put  the  laws  in  force  against  the  tenants, 
paid  special  little  attention  to  any  statute  but  that  of 
club-law,  and  never  abided  by  the  opinion  of  any 
justice,  unless  it  was  in  their  favour.  They  had,  to 
be  sure,  a  sort  of  a  system  of  laws  among  them ;  but 
nobody  could  ever  tell  what  it  was  exactly,  for  they 
never  could  agree  about  it  themselves.  Whenever 
there  was  any  dispute,  it  was  mostly  settled  by  a 
bruising-match,  in  which  all  the  tenants  took  part ; 
and  the  party  that  got  beat  was  held  to  be  in  the 
wrong.  The  constables  and  justices,  being  generally 
under  the  thumbs  of  the  landlords,  kept  out  of  the 
way  when  there  was  going  to  be  a  battle ;  and  so  it 
came  to  pass  that  all  their  disputes  were  finally  settled 
by  the  great  statute  of  club-law. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

Of  Mrs.  Bull ;  and  how  she  made  good  the  old  saying,  that  the  gray  mare 
is  the  better  horse. 

IT  was  an  old  practice  in  the  Bull  family,  that  the 
heir,  immediately  on  succeeding  to  the  estate,  should 
choose  a  wife.  This  custom,  I  have  heard,  originated 
in  a  few  pranks  of  the  ancient  Bulls,  some  of  whom 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  25 

are  known  to  have  been  very  mischievous  fellows, 
insomuch  that  they  were  continually  poaching  about 
and  tampering  with  the  tenants'  wives,  some  of  whom 
got  their  virtue  not  a  little  singed. 

The  manner  of  choosing  John's  helpmate  is  this :  — 
The  tenants  are  apprized  that  on  such  a  day  they  are 
to  assemble,  to  select  the  squire  a  wife  to  take  care  of 
the  interior  of  his  house,  and  keep  his  back  warm; 
and  also  to  watch  over  the  welfare  of  his  tenants, 
as  well  as  to  give  her  husband  good  advice.  The 
tenants  accordingly  come  together,  and  the  first  thing 
they  do  is  to  get  drunk  as  pipers,  in  order  to  be  the 
better  able  to  see  clear.  When  this  ceremony  is  over, 
they  give  their  voices,  some  for  one  and  some  for 
another;  and  she  who  has  the  most  voices  in  her 
favour  is  immediately  put  into  a  great  chair,  and 
carried  about  by  the  tenants  with  much  rejoicing. 
After  this,  those  who  have  had  time  to  grow  sober  get 
drunk  again,  and  then  go  home  mightily  tickled  with 
their  day's  work.  And  this  is  always  the  way  in 
which  the  wives  of  the  Bull  family  are  chosen. 

John  Bull  in  his  day  had  several  wives,  some  of 
them  no  better  than  they  should  be,  and  one  in  par 
ticular  that  fairly  drove  him  out  of  his  house,  as 
may  be  seen  by  consulting  the  records  of  the  manor. 
His  present  wife,  though  not  such  a  termagant  as 
some  that  he  had,  was  yet  one  of  the  most  extrava 
gant  hussies  in  the  world,  and  spent  John's  money 
faster  than  he  could  earn  it,  a  great  deal.  And  then 
her  character  was  not  a  little  fly-blown,  for  people 
did  not  scruple  to  say  that  Bull's  overseers  took  great 
liberties  when  his  back  was  turned,  and  in  fact  did 
pretty  much  what  they  pleased  with  her. 


26  JOHN  BULL  AND 

Be  this  as  it  may,  one  of  the  first  things  this  lady 
did  was  to  set  about  raising  some  money  to  pay  the 
expense  of  turning  out  Beau  Napperty  and  restoring 
the  Baboons  to  the  manor  of  Frogmore ;  for  as  to 
Squire  Bull,  he  could  not  get  money  to  buy  a  pot 
of  beer  without  asking  his  wife  for  it. 

In  order  to  induce  the  tenants  to  come  out  hand 
somely  and  consent  to  the  raising  of  their  rents, 
madam  began  to  cry  out  rape  and  murder  as  hard 
as  she  could ;  and  told  them  that  Beau  Napperty  had 
a  design  to  come  over  with  a  great  parcel  of  boats,  to 
burn  their  houses  and  barns,  turn  them  all  out  of  their 
farms,  and  pick  their  pockets  handsomely  besides. 
Now  Bull's  tenants  have  always  been  noted  for  swal 
lowing  whales,  and  accordingly  they  were  horribly 
affrighted  when  they  heard  what  was  coming  to  pass. 
They  told  madam  to  take  away  every  thing  they  had 
in  the  world,  and  moreover  got  together,  armed  with 
cudgels,  broom-staffs,  pitchforks,  and  what  not,  deter 
mined  to  defend  their  empty  pockets  to  the  last  ex 
tremity,  and  pommel  the  Beau  to  his  heart's  content 
if  he  offered  to  meddle  with  Madam  Bull.  It  was 
truly  a  laughable  sight  to  see  them  parading  back 
wards  and  forwards  along  the  beach,  beating  the 
water  into  a  foam  with  their  staffs,  and  insulting 
women  and  children  most  manfully,  just  like  veteran 
soldiers. 

When  John  saw  himself  so  strongly  backed,  he 
snapped  his  fingers,  kissed  his  wife,  who  he  swore 
was  an  honest  wench,  and  considered  the  business  as 
good  as  done.  He  had  not  the  least  doubt  that  in  a 
little  time  his  dear  friends,  the  Baboons,  would  hold 
up  their  heads  as  high  as  he,  Squire  Bull,  chose  to  let 
them. 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  27 


CHAPTER   VII. 

How  Squire  Bull  sent  over  a  party  of  his  tenants  to  kill  frogs  in  the  great 
Bog-Meadow,  and  how  they  caught  a  Tartar  instead  of  a  Bull-frog. 

BULL  about  this  time  had  a  tall,  lank-sided,  sharp- 
nosed  Overseer?  who  always  had  his  hair  tied  up  in  a 
long  queue,  and  wore  a  pair  of  breeches  that  reached 
about  to  the  middle  of  his  knee-pan.  He  was  thought 
by  those  who  knew  him  best  to  be  an  honest  fellow, 
and  a  good  friend  to  John;  but  a  quarrelsome  dog, 
that  loved  a  bout  at  cudgel-playing  above  all  things, 
and  hated  Beau  Napperty  worse  than  Satan  himself. 
To  gratify  this  hatred,  he  did  not  care  how  much 
money  he  wasted ;  and  as  long  as  he  could  get  at  the 
tenants'  coffers  by  means  of  John's  wife,  who  kept 
the  keys,  he  did  not  care  whether  the  squire  had 
money  to  pay  his  score  or  not.  In  the  course  of  a 
few  years  he  ran  poor  John  in  debt  up  to  the  ears, 
insomuch  that  it  was  and  is  still  supposed  that  he 
will  never  be  able  to  pay  a  quarter  of  it,  if  he  were 
to  live  fifty  years  longer. 

This  thunder-bolt  of  a  fellow,  finding  John  one  day 
in  a  humour  to  do  a  silly  thing,  put  it  into  his  wise 
head  to  play  Beau  Napperty  a  trick  by  sending  some 
of  his  tenants  across  the  mill-pond,  to  break  down  the 
fences,  fill  up  the  ditches,  and  burn  the  hay-stacks,  in  a 
large  bog-meadow  called  Belly gium^  from  the  portly 
bellies  of  the  honest  ditchers  that  had  burrowed  in 

*  William  Pitt,  noted  for  his  lank  figure  and  short  breeches.  Gilray 
called  him  "  the  bottomless  Pitt ",  and  represented  him  so  in  his  carica 
ture. 


28  JOHN  BULL  AND 

the  mud  there.  This  place  Beau  Napperty  had  some 
how  got  into  his  possession,  and  by  reason  of  its 
being  low  and  subject  to  overflowings,  it  abounded 
with  fine  large  frogs,  of  which  the  Beau  and  his  ten 
ants  were  exceedingly  fond.  Now  the  cunning  over 
seer  did  persuade  Squire  Bull,  that  if  he  could  only 
once  get  possession  of  this  bog-meadow,  the  tenants 
of  Frogmore  would  labour  under  such  a  scarcity  of 
frogs,  that  as  sure  as  a  gun  they  would  get  into  a  pas 
sion,  and  turn  Beau  Napperty  neck  and  heels  out 
of  the  manor. 

John  thought  this  the  very  wisest  plan  he  had  ever 
heard  of  in  the  whole  course  of  his  life.  He  forth 
with  swallowed  a  huge  flagon  of  small-beer,  a  liquor 
exceedingly  potent  in  sharpening  a  man's  wits ;  rubbed 
his  hands  with  great  glee;  put  his  forefinger  to  his 
nose,  with  a  most  knowing  bend  of  his  head  to 
wards  the  right,  and  then  ordered  his  son  Fred  to  be 
called. 

Fred  *  was  a  stout,  brawny  young  fellow,  originally 
intended  for  a  parson,  though  T  cannot  learn  that  he 
ever  preached,  except  over  his  liquor.  Not  liking  a 
parson's  life  much,  he  enlisted  in  the  army ;  and,  by 
dint  of  mounting  guard  a  few  times,  wearing  a  great 
cocked-hat  and  a  red  coat,  swearing  stoutly,  and 
drinking  deeply,  acquired  great  experience,  and  rose 
to  be  a  jolly  royster  of  a  corporal.  When  John  saw 
Fred  come  strutting  into  the  parlour,  looking  like  a 
most  invincible  bully-rock,  he  was  wellnigh  tickled 
to  death  with  his  gallant  deportment,  and  swore  that 

*  Frederick,  Duke  of  York,  and  Bishop  of  Osnaburg.  1835.  —  Bishop 
of  Osnaburg  was  a  German  lay  title,  derived  from  the  secularized  bishopric 
of  0.,  and  appropriated  to  younger  sons  of  the  King  of  Hanover. 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  29 

none  but  Corporal  Fred  should  go  with  the  party  to 
kill  frogs  in  the  great  meadow.  Then  did  Bull  gather 
together  a  great  many  boats  and  catamarans ;  he  put 
many  of  his  most  expert  tenantry  aboard,  and  fairly 
pushed  them  off,  with  orders  not  to  spare  a  single 
soul  among  all  the  frogs.* 

Now  when  the  fractious  little  Beau  Napperty  heard 
that  Bull  had  sent  over  his  tenantry  to  commit  tres 
pass  upon  his  marshes,  he  fell  into  one  of  the  greatest 
passions  ever  known,  and  swore  that  Parson  Fred 
should  rue  the  hour  he  came  over  into  his  pastures. 
Then  did  he  gather  a  great  body  of  his  tenants  from 
all  parts  of  the  manor  of  Frogmore ;  then  did  he 
make  a  speech  of  one  minute  and  a  half,  the  longest 
he  ever  made,  in  which  he  exhorted  them  to  defend 
right  valiantly  their  beloved  frogs ;  assuring  them  at 
the  same  time,  that  if  any  of  them  got  a  black 
eye  or  broken  head  in  the  scuffle,  they  should  every 
mother's  son  of  them  be  made  corporals.  He  then 
threw  his  cocked-hat  into  the  air,  and  bawled  out  lib 
erty  and  equality  as  if  the  old  boy  had  been  in  him. 
Upon  this  the  light-heeled  Frogmoreans  cut  a  caper 
full  two  yards  high,  and  scampered  off,  fully  resolved 
to  carbonado  Parson  Fred  pretty  handsomely. 

Everybody  knows  the  upshot  of  this  business,  so 
there  is  no  occasion  for  me  to  tell  it  over  again.  Suf 
fice  it  to  say,  that  Parson  Fred  played  his  old  pranks. 
Instead  of  keeping  his  party  together,  and  looking 
out  for  the  Frogmoreans  and  the  frogs,  he  was  al 
ways  carousing  it  lustily;  inquiring  me  out  where 
the  best  taverns  were,  and  where  he  could  find  store 
of  goodly,  plump,  round,  rosy-faced  wenches,  of  which 

*  The  expedition  to  Dunkirk,  in  1793. 


30  JOHN  BULL  AND 

last  he  was  mightily  fond,  insomuch  that  he  would 
almost  give  up  his  liquor  for  them. 

While  he  was  thus  wasting  his  time,  the  Frog- 
moreans  came,  a  singing  songs,  cutting  capers  like 
grasshoppers,  and  flourishing  their  broom-staffs,  with 
full  intention  of  giving  Bull's  tenants  a  how-d'ye-do 
that  they  would  not  forget  as  long  as  they  lived. 
John's  fellows,  as  they  always  do,  stood  to  it  man 
fully;  and  if  Corporal  Fred  had  kept  himself  sober, 
they  would  most  likely  have  played  the  mischief  with 
the  frogs,  and  laid  a  great  many  of  them  on  their 
backs.  But  honest  Fred,  instead  of  minding  his  eye, 
was,  as  usual,  busily  employed  carousing  it  away,  so 
that  in  a  little  time  it  was  found  necessary  to  fall 
back  —  a  cant  phrase  of  John  Bull,  who  is  famous 
for  cant  and  slang  —  and  which  means  running  away 
as  fast  as  legs  can  carry  you.  This  falling  back  con 
tinued  till  they  found  themselves  near  the  shores  of 
the  mill-pond ;  when,  not  being  able  to  fall  back  any 
farther  unless  they  fell  into  the  water,  they  were 
obliged  to  promise  the  Frogmoreans,  that,  if  they 
would  let  them  go  about  their  business,  they  would 
never  come  there  again. 

The  Frogmoreans  consented  with  great  pleasure, 
being  heartily  glad  to  get  rid  of  such  a  set  of  sturdy 
dogs,  who  every  one  took  as  much  thrashing  as  a 
good  sheaf  of  wheat.  As  for  the  honest  Belgians, 
or  Belly gians,  they  would  actually  have  rejoiced  too 
at  the  departure  of  the  roystering  parson  and  his 
buxom  crew,  had  their  phlegmatic  dispositions  admit 
ted  of  such  a  great  exertion. 

Squire  Bull  was  inclined  to  grumble  at  the  ill  suc 
cess  of  this  frog-party,  more  especially  when  he  came 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  31 

to  look  over  Fred's  tavern-bill;  he  made  wry  faces, 
and  had  a  great  mind  to  bastinado  the  corporal,  until 
his  slim  overseer  with  the  short  breeches  told  him  it 
was  one  of  the  most  brilliant  affairs  that  ever  hap 
pened;  and  that  though  there  was  not  much  profit 
got  by  it,  there  was  a  vast  deal  of  honour.  He  like 
wise  assured  him  that  though  Corporal  Fred  was  a 
little  too  fond  of  the  bottle,  yet  when  he  was  sober 
he  was  quite  a  match  for  the  pope,  the  d — 1,  and  Beau 
Napperty,  together.  Bull,  who  was  as  much  afraid 
of  the  pope  as  a  child  is  of  a  bugaboo,  and  with 
about  the  same  reason,  was  tickled  to  the  heart  to 
hear  he  had  such  a  bully  in  his  family,  and  forthwith 
began  to  assume  the  airs  of  a  gigantic  champion  and 
invincible  boxer. 

Instead  of  minding  his  business  as  he  used  to  do, 
weaving  his  cloth,  and  keeping  his  forge  going,  he  did 
nothing  but  flourish  his  cudgel,  swearing  at  the  same 
time  that  one  of  his  tenants  would  thrash  two  Frog- 
moreans,  and  that  he  would  soon  do  Beau  Napperty's 
business  for  him,  that's  what  he  would. 


CHAPTER 


How  Squire  Bull  incontinently  turned  knight-errant,  and  went  about 
righting  the  wrongs  of  all  his  neighbours,  in  such  a  manner  that  they  all 
wished  in  their  hearts  he  would  mind  his  own  affairs,  and  let  them  alone. 

IT  was  about  this  time,  I  think,  that  Bull  took  it 
into  his  wise  head,  that,  being  such  a  valiant  boxer 
and  expert  cudgel-player,  and  able  besides  to  go 


32  JOHN   BULL   AND 

through  the  horse-exercise  with  the  broadsword,  it 
was  his  business  not  only  to  take  care  of  his  own 
tenants,  but  also  of  all  his  neighbours.  Accordingly, 
when  any  of  the  neighbours  complained  of  Beau  Nap- 
perty,  John  took  their  part  without  making  the  least 
inquiry  into  who  was  right  or  who  was  wrong.  He 
was  always  ready  to  help  them  along,  though  in  gen 
eral  they  were  the  most  beggarly  tatterdemalions  in 
the  world,  and  heartily  deserved  what  they  got,  for  suf 
fering  their  own  landlords  to  impose  upon  them  as 
they  did. 

I  will  give  an  instance  of  Bull's  humorous  and 
laughable  knight-errantry,  as  a  specimen  of  his  mode 
of  righting  his  neighbours'  wrongs.  Adjoining  the 
manor  of  Frogmore,  at  no  great  distance  from  Bullock 
Island,  there  is  a  long  POINT*  puts  out  far  into  the  mill- 
pond,  which  belonged  to  an  old  fellow  who  boasted  of 
his  great  family,  and  used  to  tell  everybody  that  his 
manor  was  so  extensive  that  the  sun  never  set  upon 
it.  Puffed  up  with  his  vast  landed  property,  he  took 
great  state  upon  himself,  and  passed  his  time  like  a 
perfect  gentleman,  without  doing  any  thing  but  play 
the  fiddle  and  ride  a  hunting.  In  fact,  he  thought 
himself  such  a  high  fellow,  though  a  most  ignomi 
nious  poltroon  and  notorious  cuckold,  that  he  lorded 
it  over  his  tenants  as  if  they  were  so  many  beasts  of 
burden.  What  with  raising  of  rents,  paying  the  par 
sons,  of  whom  our  stout  lord  himself  stood  in  great 
awe,  and  the  consequent  idleness  of  the  tenants,  who 
had  no  spirit  to  work  for  the  d  —  1  and  find  them 
selves,  as  they  said,  the  manor,  though  excellent  land, 
had  got  to  be  quite  barren  for  want  of  cultivation. 

*  Spain. 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  33 

The  tenants  also,  though  once  a  lively,  industrious  set 
of  fellows,  were  now  little  better  than  a  pack  of  igno 
rant,  superstitious  knaves,  so  that  every  one  that  saw 
them  thought  it  was  high  time  that  the  old  codger  of 
a  landlord  was  turned  out,  and  somebody  else  put  in 
his  place. 

Now  Beau  Napperty,  who  was  a  stanch  admirer 
of  the  rights  of  men,  and  liked  to  keep  them  all  to 
himself,  having  a  great  parcel  of  poor  relations  to  pro 
vide  for,  thought  to  himself  that  he  would  take  away 
the  manor,  and  give  it  to  his  brother  Joe.*  So  what 
does  my  gentleman  do  but  invite  Don  Carlos,f  as  he 
was  nicknamed,  and  his  family,  to  come  and  take  pot- 
luck  with  him.  They  accepted  his  invitation,  bringing 
with  them  all  the  children ;  and  Beau  Napperty  took 
good  care  they  should  not  find  their  way  home  again. 
Then  he  sent  his  brother  Joe  to  take  possession  of  the 
manor,  by  the  grace  of  God,  as  he  was  pleased  to 
term  it.  The  first  thing  Joey's  people  did  was  to  rob 
a  church,  by  which  he  got  a  good  swarm  of  priests 
about  his  ears.  They  forthwith  called  Joey  all  sorts 
of  names ;  and  exhorted  the  tenants  to  rise  up  in  de 
fence  of  the  invaluable  privilege  of  being  plundered 
by  Don  Carlos. 

The  tenants  found  this  but  reasonable ;  and,  com 
ing  from  all  quarters,  began  to  rain  such  a  shower  of 
dry  blows  on  Joey,  that  he  was  fain  to  make  a  preci 
pitate  retreat  from  his  farm-house  of  Mad-ride,  which 
is  so  called  because  the  women  are  ah1  madcaps,  and 
the  tenants  ride  as  if  they  were  out  of  their  wits,  — that 
is,  on  jackasses  instead  of  horses. 

When  the  great  righter  of  wrongs,   Squire  Bull, 

*  Joseph  Bonaparte.  f  Charles  IV.  of  Spain. 

3 


34  JOHN   BULL   AND 

heard  that  Beau  Napperty  had  seized  the  old  don's 
manor,  he,  as  usual,  began  to  swear  till  he  was  blue. 
He  called  the  don  his  particular  friend  and  bottle- 
companion,  though  they  had  never  given  each  other  a 
good  word  in  the  whole  course  of  their  lives,  and  were 
always  snarling  and  fighting  about  nothing.  And 
finally,  Bull  urged,  as  a  particular  reason  for  taking 
the  part  of  the  old  don,  that  he  belonged  to  the  an 
cient  family  of  the  Baboons,  for  whom,  ever  since  he 
had  nothing  to  fear  from  them,  he  professed  the  most 
invincible  friendship. 

Resolved  to  put  this  matter  right  in  favour  of  his 
old  friends,  he  set  himself  to  work,  and  gathering  a 
huge  parcel  of  boats,  he  put  his  tenants  on  board,  and 
sent  them  over  to  the  Point,  to  help  along  in  resisting 
Beau  Napperty  and  his  brother  Joey.  The  old  don's 
tenants,  who  did  not  want  anybody  to  meddle  in  their 
affairs,  looked  askance  at  these  unwelcome  intruders, 
whom  their  parsons  styled  a  set  of  wicked  rascals,  be 
cause  they  did  not  hold  that  a  piece  of  bread  was  a 
shoulder  of  mutton.  So  they  told  Squire  Bull's  ten 
ants  they  might  go  to  some  other  market  with  their 
mutton,  and,  as  they  came  over  without  an  invita 
tion,  they  might  get  back  as  they  could.  Now  the 
poor  misled  fellows  turned  themselves  to  get  home 
again ;  but,  before  they  were  able  to  reach  their  boats, 
they  were  heartily  drubbed  by  some  of  Beau  Nap- 
perty's  tenants,  and  lost  all  their  clothes  and  pro 
visions. 

But  Squire  Bull  was  as  obstinate  as  a  mule,  espe 
cially  when  he  happened  to  be  in  the  wrong;  and 
stuck  to  it  manfully,  until  he  at  last  succeeded  in  re 
dressing  the  injuries  of  old  Don  Carlos,  by  putting  his 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  35 

son  Don  Ferdinand*  in  possession  of  the  Point.  And 
Don  Ferdinand  showed  his  gratitude  by  doing  John 
all  the  ill-turns  in  his  power. 

While  Squire  Bull  was  thus  disinterestedly  fighting 
for  the  liberties  of  the  neighbourhood  in  one  quarter, 
Beau  Napperty  was  not  behind-hand  in  upholding 
the  rights  of  man  in  another.  This  John  called  de 
fending  the  church,  and  Beau  Napperty  protecting 
the  rights  of  man,  —  one  and  indivisible.  Betwixt  the 
two,  the  whole  neighbourhood,  far  and  near,  by  land 
and  by  water,  was  kept  in  a  state  to  which  plague, 
pestilence,  and  starvation,  are  no  more  than  "  a 
huckleberry  to  a  persimmon,"  as  they  say  in  some  of 
brother  Jonathan's  farms  down  South.  They  put 
me  in  mind  of  a  fable  I  made  out  of  my  own  head 
one  day,  which  I  will  write  down  here,  as  I  think  it 
too  good  to  be  lost. 

The  porcupine  was  once  seized  with  an  unaccount 
able  fit  of  universal  benevolence,  so  that  he  could 
never  see  any  of  the  weaker  sort  of  animals  but  he 
must  pity  them,  and  either  carry  them  on  his  back,  or 
cover  them  with  his  body,  for  fear  the  sky  might  fall 
on  them,  as  he  said.  The  consequence  was,  most  of 
the  poor  little  devils  got  so  pricked  and  worried  by 
the  quills  of  their  troublesome  protector,  that  in  a 
short  time  they  had  scarcely  a  drop  of  blood  left  in 
their  bodies,  and  were  reduced  to  skin  and  bone. 
Upon  this  the  wretched  survivors  came  to  him  in  a 
body,  and  with  great  humility  requested,  that  in  fu 
ture,  when  his  majesty  saw  them  in  any  difficulty,  he 
would  graciously  suffer  them  to  get  out  of  it  as  well 
as  they  could,  without  his  "  non-intervention." 

*  Ferdinand  VII.  of  Spain. 


36  JOHN   BULL   AND 

In  this  way  John  wasted  his  substance  and  played 
his  pranks,  until  he  got  all  the  neighbours  about  his 
ears  except  Brother  Jonathan,  whom  however  he  soon 
after  mortally  offended  by  some  of  his  foolish  new 
fangled  pretensions. 


CHAPTER  IX. 

How  Beau  Napperty  cunningly  manages   to   humbug   Squire    Bull    into 
several  absurd  capers. 

BEAU  NAPPERTY,  the  lord  of  the  manor  of  Frog- 
more,  which  is  just  over  against  Bullock  Island,  was 
a  knowing  fellow  as  any  you  will  see,  and  had  studied 
Squire  Bull's  character  until  he  could  read  him  back 
wards.  He  knew  him  to  be  an  obstinate  old  fellow, 
who,  when  he  once  got  any  thing  into  his  head,  stuck 
to  it  as  a  fowl  does  to  a  crumb.  He  also  knew  by 
experience,  that  whenever  he  did  any  thing,  good  or 
bad,  Squire  Bull  would  set  his  face  against  it,  merely 
to  show  his  independent  spirit.  Accordingly,  when 
ever  he  wanted  to  bring  any  thing  to  pass  that  was 
out  of  his  own  power  to  do,  he  made  John  do  it 
for  him,  by  pretending  to  be  at  something  quite  the 
contrary. 

Now  Squire  Bull  and  Beau  Napperty,  as  every 
body  knows,  by  reason  of  their  continually  disputing 
and  railing  at  each  other  like  village  shrews,  and  of  a 
thousand  offices  of  bad  neighbourhood,  had  at  last  ar 
rived  at  such  a  pitch  of  hatred,  that  they  would  not 
have  hesitated  one  moment  to  ruin  their  tenants  to  a 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  37 

man  by  their  rascally  quarrels,  rather  than  frankly 
shake  hands,  and  forgive  and  forget  like  good  fellows. 
If  either  of  them  could  do  the  other  an  ill-turn,  he  did 
not  care  how  much  his  tenants  or  the  innocent  neigh 
bours  suffered  by  it,  for  they  were  set  upon  ruining 
each  other,  whatever  might  be  the  consequence. 
Every  day  they  were  denouncing  each  other  as  rogues 
and  I  know  not  what.  One  day,  Bull  would  publish 
Beau  Napperty  for  the  greatest  thief  in  all  the  neigh 
bourhood  ;  the  next,  Beau  Napperty  would  advertise 
Bull  as  the  most  notorious  pirate  in  the  world ;  until 
at  last  the  better  sort  of  people  began  to  think  they 
were  neither  of  them  any  better  than  they  should 
be ;  and  I  believe  they  were  not  much  out  in  their 
reckoning. 

Among  the  various  plans  invented  by  Beau  Nap 
perty  to  get  John  into  difficulties,  was  one  which 
succeeded  to  a  miracle,  as  it  afforded  Squire  Bull  a 
pretext  to  revive  his  claim  to  the  exclusive  property 
of  the  mill-pond.  This  was  all  John  wanted,  as  I  said 
before;  and  he  snapped  at  it  as  if  it  had  been  the 
most  delicious  morsel  in  the  world. 

Now  Beau  Napperty's  plan  was  this.  He  knew 
that  as  long  as  Squire  Bull  continued  to  carry  on  the 
brisk  traffic  with  his  neighbours  which  his  great  num 
ber  of  boats  and  the  excellent  quality  of  his  wares 
enabled  him  to  do,  he  would  be  able,  in  spite  of  all 
his  mad  capers,  to  keep  himself  out  of  jail.  He 
therefore  set  to  work  to  knock  this  business  on  the 
head ;  and  went  about  boasting  that  he  would  take 
care  in  future  that  none  of  the  neighbours  should 
carry  on  any  business  with  Bull,  or  receive  any  of  his 
wares;  for  if  he  found  it  out  he  would  burn  every 


38  JOHN   BULL   AND 

stitch  of  them.  He  then  put  on  his  little  cocked-hat, 
buckled  on  his  enormous  toasting-iron,  and  blus 
tering  roundly  among  the  neighbours,  soon  bullied 
most  of  them  into  shutting  their  landings  to  Bull's 
boats.* 

Brother  Jonathan,  however,  who  was  the  very  best 
customer  Bull  ever  had,  paid  no  attention  to  this 
nourish  of  Beau  Napperty,  but  went  on  doing 
business  with  the  squire  as  usual.  Yet  did  that 
foolish  old  fellow  just  manage  to  do  for  Beau  Nap 
perty  what  he  could  not  have  done  for  himself. 

Bull,  as  is  too  often  the  case  with  warm  old  cod 
gers  who  have  more  money  than  wit,  was  generally 
surrounded  by  plenty  of  poor  rogues ;  who,  by  hu 
mouring  his  whims,  and  patting  his  foibles  on  the 
back,  managed  to  live  at  his  expense,  and  generally 
got  something  handsome  settled  upon  them  in  the 
end. 

These  rogues,  though  they  could  not  for  the  life  of 
them  help  laughing  at  Bull's  claims  to  the  mill-pond, 
yet,  on  hearing  of  Beau  Napperty's  grand  Frogmore 
flourish  which  I  just  mentioned,  told  the  squire  that 
now  was  the  time  to  drive  all  the  neighbours  clear 
from  the  pond,  which  he  might  do  without  losing  his 
character,  under  pretence  of  being  even  with  them 
for  shutting  him  from  their  landings.  They  swore  he 
was  sole  proprietor  not  only  of  this  mill-pond,  but  of 
all  the  mill-ponds  in  the  universe;  and  then  they 
would  tip  each  other  the  wink,  as  much  as  to  say, 
What  a  rum-jockey  Johnny  is. 

What  made  John  the  more  eagerly  bite  at  this, 
was  a  notion  that  he  had  now  a  fine  opportunity  of 

*  The  Berlin  decree. 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  39 

paying  off  some  of  the  old  score  he  owed  Brother 
Jonathan,  whom  he  hated  not  a  little,  and  of  whose 
prosperity  he  had  a  long  time  been  jealous.  But  this 
was  a  secret  which  he  had  sense  enough  to  keep 
to  himself;  he  therefore  pretended  to  take  all  these 
rogues  said  for  gospel  —  and  it  would  have  made  you 
split  your  sides  to  see  him  pull  up  his  old  leather 
breeches  with  one  hand,  and  with  the  other  pelt 
Jonathan's  boats  as  far  as  he  could  see  them.  This, 
in  the  cant  of  the  day,  he  called  maintaining  the 
freedom  of  the  mill-pond,  encouraging  boat-sailing, 
and  other  rare  names,  that  signified  directly  the  re 
verse  of  what  the  squire  did. 

John's  prime  excuse  for  this  new  method  of  main 
taining  the  freedom  of  the  mill-pond  was,  that  it  was 
done  to  retaliate  upon  Beau  Napperty;  for  he  main 
tained  that  since  the  neighbours  were  not  allowed  to 
trade  with  him,  it  was  but  right  that  they  should  be 
prevented  from  carrying  on  any  business  with  Beau 
Napperty.  This  was  what  he  called  impartial  jus 
tice;  and  the  squire  swore  roundly,  that  whoever 
grumbled  at  such  a  fair  retaliation,  was  not  a  bit 
better  than  a  hanger-on  of  Beau  Napperty.  He  used 
to  boast,  too,  that  by  this  rare  system  he  should  in  a 
little  time  reduce  Beau  Napperty  and  his  tenants  to 
skin  and  bone ;  though  at  the  very  moment  he  was 
slily  supplying  them  with  whatever  they  wanted. 


40  JOHN    BULL   AND 


CHAPTER  X. 

How  Squire  Bull  was  mortal  mad  at  Jonathan  for  giving  shelter  to  his  poor 
tenants,  who  came  over  because  they  could  not  get  enough  to  eat  at 
home. 

THE  great  sufferer  by  these  pranks  of  Squire  Bull 
was  Brother  Jonathan,  who  had  never  taken  any 
part  in  these  vile  quarrels,  but  continued  to  carry  on 
his  business  with  whomsoever  gave  the  best  price  for 
his  grain,  without  minding  much  either  the  Beau  or 
the  squire.  He  cared  not  a  rush  for  Beau  Napperty's 
threat  against  the  neighbours  who  did  business  with 
Bull,  and,  so  far  from  submitting,  went  openly  to 
Bullock  with  his  grain,  just  as  he  used  to  do  before. 

Formerly  the  pope  and  the  d — 1  were  the  prime 
objects  of  John  Bull's  hatred,  and  it  was  a  moot 
point  to  which  of  them  he  bore  the  greatest  anti 
pathy.  Afterward  he  came  to  dislike  Brother  Jona 
than  exceedingly ;  but,  in  the  end,  Beau  Napperty 
came  in  for  a  principal  share  of  his  abomination. 
He  never,  however,  missed  a  fair  opportunity  of 
giving  a  fatherly  benediction  to  Jonathan,  who  had, 
since  his  first  quarrel  with  the  squire,  given  him 
divers  causes  of  offence.  By  keeping  aloof  from  the 
disputes  of  the  neighbours,  and  by  a  sober,  discreet 
behaviour,  Jonathan  had,  without  any  intention  of 
injuring  the  old  squire,  got  a  great  deal  of  his  busi 
ness  from  him.  Now  the  squire,  who  had  suffered 
greatly  in  the  trial  between  him  and  Beau  Napperty 
who  should  do  each  other  the  most  harm,  could  not 
bear  to  see  Jonathan  enjoying  the  fruits  of  his  peace 
able  disposition. 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  41 

Another  great  eyesore  to  Squire  Bull  was  this: 
Jonathan  had  such  a  great  quantity  of  land  to  spare, 
and  his  farms  held  out  so  many  temptations  to  Bull's 
tenants,  that,  whenever  they  had  an  opportunity, 
they  would  leave  Bullock  Island  and  come  over  to 
settle.  They  were  always  received  with  kindness, 
and  assisted  with  many  little  neighbourly  offices. 
This  the  squire  swore  was  undermining  his  interests, 
and  acting  the  part  of  a  secret  enemy ;  because  it  was 
Jonathan's  duty,  as  a  good  neighbour,  to  drive  them 
home  again.  "  Zounds ! "  would  the  squire  exclaim, 
in  a  furious  passion,  "  no  man  born  in  my  manor 
shall  ever  get  out  of  it,  if  I  can  prevent  him.  It 
is  the  happiest,  the  most  pious,  moral,  plentiful,  and 
all  that  sort  of  thing,  manor  in  the  world ;  and  those 
who  can't  live  in  it  may  starve,  for  aught  I  care." 
This  he  said  when  in  many  parts  of  his  manor  one 
sixth  of  the  tenants  were  on  the  parish,  and  another 
sixth  living  on  a  short  allowance  of  oatmeal  and 
potatoes. 

The  fact  of  there  being  more  people  in  Bullock 
manor  than  it  could  support,  without  a  more  equal 
division  of  the  land,  was  so  notorious,  that  a  fusty 
old  bachelor  wrote  a  book  against  breeding  up  chil 
dren  to  starve.  He  was  answered  by  another,  and  a 
controversy  arose,  which  lasted  till  nobody  would 
read  a  word  more  on  the  subject.*  In  the  meantime, 
the  women,  who  won't  listen  to  reason,  went  on  in 
their  old  way,  and  the  evil  increased. 

For  all  this,  the  squire's  maxim  was,  once  a  tenant 
always  a  tenant ;  and  such  was  his  wrath  against 
Brother  Jonathan  for  giving  his  poor  runaways  a 

*  A  reference  to  the  controversy  about  Malthus's  book. 


42  JOHN   BULL   AND 

meal  of  victuals  sometimes,  that  in  revenge  he  used 
to  chase  Jonathan's  boats,  and  when  he  overtook 
them  would  kidnap  his  rowers,  under  pretence  of 
their  being  his  runaway  tenants.  It  must  be  noted, 
that  though  Bull  held  that  no  tenant  could  leave  Bul 
lock  manor,  yet  he  made  no  scruple  whatever  of 
sheltering  the  tenants  of  the  neighbouring  farms 
whenever  they  came  over,  which  indeed  was  but  sel 
dom,  for  they  were  pretty  sure  of  getting  insulted  by 
the  squire's  tenants,  who  cock  up  their  tails  and 
cackle  like  fowls  in  a  barn-yard  whenever  a  strange 
bird  comes  among  them. 

Now  Brother  Jonathan,  though  a  pretty  hard  talker 
and  a  considerable  dealer  in  words,  was  in  the  main 
a  good-natured  young  fellow,  who  did  not  lightly  get 
into  a  quarrel,  but  loved  gain,  and  hated  fighting 
if  he  could  avoid  it.  He  therefore  pocketed  these 
affronts  of  Bull  with  a  few  wry  faces,  and  continued 
to  treat  him  with  respect,  though,  in  addition  to  all 
these  ill-turns,  John  used  every  now  and  then  to  fling 
it  into  Jonathan's  teeth  that  he  had  a  sneaking  kind 
ness  for  Beau  Napperty,  which  I  believe  was  a  piece 
of  the  squire's  own  invention. 

Affairs  were  in  this  way  when  Bull,  as  I  before 
said,  put  forth  his  pretensions  to  the  property  of  the 
mill-pond,  and  ordered  his  boats,  which  swarmed  all 
over,  to  take  any  of  Jonathan's  they  found  looking 
towards  Frogmore,  unless  they  had  stopped  at  one  of 
his  landings  to  pay  for  his  permission.*  Then  it  was 
that  most  of  John  Bull's  sensible  tenants  began  to 
perceive  that  the  squire  had  a  soft  place  in  his  skull. 
They  could  see  with  half  an  eye  that  Beau  Napperty 

*  British  orders  in  council,  &c. 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  43 

neither  had  prevented  nor  could  prevent  Jonathan 
from  carrying  on  his  business  with  Bullock  Island, 
and,  that  if  matters  were  left  to  their  natural  course, 
all  Jonathan's  trade  would  come  into  Bull's  hands. 
Besides  all  this,  they  foresaw  that  John's  conduct 
would  at  length  overcome  Jonathan's  patience,  and  in 
a  little  time  deprive  him  of  the  only  real  friend  he  had 
in  the  world.  They  felt,  despite  all  that  was  said  by 
John's  secret  friends  dispersed  over  Jonathan's  farms, 
about  his  great  liking  for  Beau  Napperty,  that  the 
young  man,  who  ate,  drank,  spoke,  thought,  and  did 
every  thing  like  his  father,  was  willing,  nay  anxious, 
to  be  on  good  terms  with  him,  if  he  was  only  treated 
with  common  politeness.  He  had  beat  Bull  like  a 
man,  and  forgiven  him  like  a  good  fellow. 


CHAPTER  XI. 

How  Jonathan  consulted  his  wife  about  these  matters  aforesaid,  and  got 
plenty  of  talk,  but  no  cider. 

ALL  the  former  pranks  of  Bull  had  been  borne  by 
Jonathan  with  most  exemplary  patience.  True  it  is, 
he  sometimes  complained,  and  his  wife  scolded ;  but 
this  generally  blew  over  in  a  little  time,  and  all  was 
calm  again.  But  when  at  last  the  squire  began  to 
meddle  with  his  pockets,  and  to  rob  his  boats  under 
pretence  that  they  were  going  over  to  Frogmore,  Jon 
athan  began  to  be  angry,  as  well  he  might. 

He  straightway  called  unto  him  his  wife,*  laid  the 

*  Congress. 


44  JOHN   BULL   AND 

case  before  her,  and  asked  her  what  was  best  to  be 
done.  This  new  wife  of  Jonathan's  was  a  plaguy 
hard  hand  to  deal  with,  and  had  just  as  much  to  say 
in  the  house  as  Mrs.  Bull.  Indeed,  Jonathan  could 
do  nothing  without  her  having  a  finger  in  the  pie. 
She  was  an  honest  woman  enough,  as  times  go;  but 
when  you've  said  that  you've  said  every  thing  —  for 
she  did  nothing  but  talk,  talk,  all  day,  and  sometimes 
all  night,  so  that  poor  Jonathan  could  hardly  sleep 
for  her. 

The  honest  truth  of  the  matter  is,  that  she  was  one 
of  the  most  whimsical,  cross-grained,  contradictory, 
and  bedevilled  termagants,  that  ever  fell  to  the  lot  of 
mortal  man.  With  but  one  body,  she  had  as  many 
minds  as  she  could  hold,  and  was  almost  always  of 
at  least  seventeen*  different  opinions.  Her  face  had 
all  the  appearance  of  one  of  your  patchwork  coverlets, 
and  the  different  parts  seemed  to  be  collected  from 
all  quarters  of  the  globe.  She  had  an  eastern  squint 
of  the  eye,  a  northern  aspect,  and  a  southern  com 
plexion.  Then  her  language  resembled  the  confusion 
of  Babel ;  at  one  time  she  talked  like  a  Frogmorean, 
at  another  like  Bull's  wife  herself;  sometimes  she 
talked  half-French  half-English,  and  very  rarely  she 
talked  like  Brother  Jonathan's  wife. 

This  capricious  lady  had  undergone  various  changes 
since  she  became  the  poor  man's  helpmate.  One  time 
she  was  bedizened  out  like  one  of  Bull's  cast-off  mis 
tresses,  and  then  would  my  lady  insist  that  Jonathan 
should  hug  Bull  in  his  arms,  for  he  was  an  honest  old 

*  The  number  of  the  States  remained  at  this  figure  for  between  nine  and 
ten  years,  Ohio,  the  Seventeenth,  having  been  admitted  on  the  29th  of 
November,  1802,  and  Louisiana,  the  Eighteenth,  on  the  8th  of  April,  1812. 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  45 

fellow  as  any  in  the  world.  But  the  very  next  minute, 
perhaps,  she  would  come  out  dressed  in  all  the  tawdry 
finery  of  one  of  Beau  Napperty's  ladies,  with  her 
face  painted  as  red  as  fire,  and  her  neck  and  shoulders 
all  bare :  and  then  she  would  insist  upon  it  that  Jon 
athan  should  have  no  friend  but  Beau  Napperty,  who 
was  the  most  sincere,  good-natured,  agreeable,  and 
entertaining  little  caitiff  that  ever  escaped  hanging. 
In  some  of  her  sober  fits,  which  however  occurred 
very  seldom,  she  would  appear  in  the  decent  home 
spun  dress  that  became  the  wife  of  a  plain  yeoman 
like  Jonathan,  and  then  she  would  talk  in  a  manner 
exceedingly  sensible  and  rational.  In  short,  to  sum 
up  the  character  of  this  whimsical  lady,  there  were 
hardly  as  many  humours  among  the  multifarious 
wives  and  concubines  of  Solomon,  as  were  concen 
trated  and  gathered  together  in  this  singular  composi 
tion  of  notions,  called  Brother  Jonathan's  wife. 


CHAPTER  XII. 

How  Jonathan  began  to  bristle  up  when  he  found  his  boatmen  did  not  pay 
as  they  used  to. 

JONATHAN  seldom  or  never  consulted  this  wife  of 
his,  without  having  abundance  of  reason  to  rail  at  the 
respectable  institution  of  matrimony.  Heaven  pre 
serve  us!,  how  she  would  scold  whenever  any  thing 
went  wrong  in  the  affairs  of  Jonathan's  farms ;  and 
how  she  would  lecture  the  poor  man  about  any  thing 
that  came  into  her  head,  until  Jonathan,  finding  she 


46  JOHN  BULL  AND 

would  have  her  say,  thought  to  let  her  say  what  she 
pleased  first,  in  hopes  she  would  let  him  do  as  he 
liked  afterwards. 

Now  when  Jonathan  got  the  account  of  Squire 
Bull's  order  to  seize  all  his  boats  on  their  way  to  the 
manor  of  Frogmore,  he  consulted  his  wife  about  the 
method  of  proceeding;  but  that  talkative  lady,  as 
usual,  before  he  had  half  got  through  with  his  story, 
fell  into  a  furious  passion  and  began  to  abuse  Squire 
Bull.  I  wish  you  had  heard  the  pretty  names  she 
fastened  upon  his  back.  She  called  him  prating  gab 
bler,  liquorish  glutton,  lubberly  lout,  ruffian  rogue, 
paltry  customer,  scoffing  braggart,  cod's-head  booby, 
noddipeak  simpleton,  ninnyhammer  gnat-snapper,  and 
various  other  names  that  nobody  could  tell  where  she 
picked  up. 

Every  morning  of  her  life,  regularly,  as  soon  as 
breakfast  was  over,  for  at  least  six  months,  did  she 
ring  the  changes,  over  and  over  again,  on  the  subject 
of  Squire  Bull's  order,  with  this  single  difference,  that 
when  she  was  tired  of  rating  Bull,  she  would  turn 
about  and  give  Beau  Napperty  and  Brother  Jonathan 
a  most  fearful  broadside.  Jonathan  turned  up  the 
whites  of  his  eyes,  shrugged  his  shoulders,  abused  his 
stars,  and  groaned  in  spirit,  to  hear  his  dame  talk  at 
such  a  furious  rate ;  and,  finding  there  was  nothing 
but  incoherences  and  abuse  to  be  got  from  her,  ad 
vised  her,  as  the  warm  weather  was  coming  on,  to 
make  a  tour  round  the  farms  till  the  dog-days  were 
over. 

Madam  accordingly  took  herself  off,  and  Jonathan 
for  some  time  enjoyed  a  little  comfort,  and  smoked  his 
pipe  in  peace.  But  this  calm  lasted  not  long;  the 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  47 

winter  approached,  the  lady  returned  to  the  HALL, 
and  as,  during  her  recess,  Bull  had  been  at  his  old 
tricks,  her  disposition  to  scold  was  stronger  than  ever. 

The  patience  of  honest  Jonathan,  too,  was  now 
worn  quite  threadbare ;  and  he  began  to  think  it  was 
high  time  to  toe  the  mark,  and  try  to  put  an  end 
to  the  squire's  troublesome  pretensions.  He  was  not 
a  little  spurred  on  to  this  by  the  grumbling  of  his 
boatmen,  who  began  to  complain  that  they  could  not 
go  out  into  the  mill-pond  on  the  most  trifling  occa 
sions,  without  being  insulted,  or  having  some  of  their 
rowers  taken  away  by  John's  boats.  They  further 
told  Jonathan,  that  if  matters  did  not  soon  mend, 
they  should  be  obliged  to  haul  in  their  horns,  and 
walk  afoot  on  Sundays,  instead  of  riding  to  church  in 
fine  painted  wagons. 

The  tradesmen  of  Jonathan's  farms,  who  under  their 
good  easy  landlord  had  grown  rich,  assured  him,  that 
only  a  few  years  before,  they  could  afford  their  wives 
and  daughters  silk  stockings,  fine  muslins,  pearl  breast 
pins,  and  pianos,  and  such  like  luxuries ;  but  now, 
such  was  the  unparalleled  distress  of  his  estate,  these 
poor  creatures  were  obliged  to  put  up  with  shabby 
Canton  crapes  and  old-fashioned  silks,  and,  instead 
of  playing  the  piano  or  reading  novels,  were  brought 
to  the  degrading  necessity  of  making  up  their  own 
linen,  and  even  mending  their  own  clothes. 

I  believe  I  have  observed  before  that  Brother  Jona 
than  was  a  lad  who  would  not  fight  without  good 
reason,  and  was  not  easily  put  in  a  passion.  He  was 
not  a  man  always  on  the  look-out  for  a  quarrel,  like 
Bull,  and,  indeed,  often  put  up  with  ill  treatment 
rather  than  disturb  the  neighbourhood.  It  was  this 


48  JOHN   BULL  AND 

which  encouraged  the  squire  to  treat  him  as  he  did ; 
for  his  toad-eaters  always  assured  him  that  he  might 
fillip  Jonathan  o'  the  nose  as  often  as  he  pleased, 
without  making  him  do  any  thing  more  than  bluster 
a  little.  But  they  didn't  know  Jonathan,  as  we  shall 
see  anon.  I  must  say  that  he  held  what  your  great 
folks  call  honour,  dog-cheap;  likening  it  to  a  great 
bone,  which,  being  thrown  out  into  the  highway,  sets 
all  the  dogs  of  the  neighbourhood  by  the  ears.  He 
used  to  say,  for  he  often  talked  more  sensibly  than 
people  expected  from  such  a  raw  country-fellow,  that 
this  same  honour  was  in  general  nothing  but  ambition, 
revenge,  envy,  self-interest,  or  some  other  scoundrel 
passion,  the  victim  of  which,  knowing  that  if  he  came 
out  with  it  in  its  naked  deformity  he  would  be  scouted 
at,  did  dress  it  up  in  the  likeness  of  something  respect 
able,  and  palm  it  upon  the  world. 

Among  other  singular  notions,  Jonathan  held  that 
a  man  ought  to  try  all  possible  means  of  redress 
before  he  undertook  to  right  himself  by  force ;  which 
opinion  was  exactly  opposite  to  that  of  his  neigh 
bours,  with  whom  it  was  generally  a  word  and  a  blow, 
the  latter  of  which  commonly  came  first. 

But  though  our  shrewd  Jonathan  cared  little  for 
that  kind  of  fighting  which  turns  upon  what  fine  folks 
call  the  point  of  honour,  he  had  spirit  to  resent  inju 
ries.  Fighting  honour  he  likened  to  a  great  bully, 
who  generally  appears  with  a  broken  head  or  a  black 
eye.  But  there  was  another  kind  of  honour  on  which 
he  prided  himself — the  honour  of  being  a  father  to 
his  tenants,  and  making  them  comfortable  in  this 
world. 

When,  therefore,  he  found  that  Bull's  foolish  pre- 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  49 

tensions  began  to  undermine  the  prosperity  of  his 
people,  he  seriously  set  to  work  to  bring  John  to 
reason,  if  possible.  He  first  took  away  all  his  business 
from  Bull,  and  refused  to  have  any  thing  to  do  with 
his  tenants  in  the  way  of  barter.*  It  is  supposed 
pretty  generally,  that  if  Jonathan  had  held  on  obsti 
nately  to  this,  it  would  in  the  end  have  prevented  the 
terrible  hubbub  which  afterwards  took  place.  But 
here  his  own  tenants  did  the  business  for  him.  They 
raised  such  a  clatter  about  his  ears,  that  in  a  little 
time  he  was  obliged  to  permit  the  boatmen,  who  said 
Jonathan  was  a  poltroon  and  ought  to  fight  Bull 
at  once,  to  go  out  and  get  pommelled  and  robbed 
to  their  hearts'  content. 

Being  driven  from  this  plan  of  bringing  the  squire 
to  reason,  he  determined,  before  trying  the  strength 
of  his  arm  against  Bull,  to  see  what  the  law  would 
do  for  him. 


CHAPTER 


How  Jonathan  brought  his  action  of  damages  against  Squire  Bull,  but 
was  cast  under  the  old  statute  of  club-law. 

JONATHAN  therefore  filed  his  declaration  against 
Bull,  of  piracy  on  the  high  seas,  trover  and  conversion, 
trespass  on  the  case,  covenant,  debt,  detinue,  eject 
ment,  waste,  and  quare  clausum  fregit.  He  also  sued 
him  upon  the  statute  ;  upon  action  popular  ;  action 

*  The  embargo  act  of  December,  1807,  and  other  similar  measures  of  less 
extensive  application. 

4 


50  JOHN   BULL   AND 

civil ;  action  personal ;  action  mixed ;  action  real ;  and 
action  temporary  and  perpetual.  He  thought  the 
deuse  would  be  in  it  if  he  did  not  catch  Bull  in  some 
of  these  snares,  and  lay  him  by  the  heels.  This,  dec 
laration  I  think  they  called  it,  took  up  about  four 
quires  of  paper ;  had  one  hundred  and  ninety-seven 
counts,  and  contained  the  usual  amount  of  repetitions 
and  words  that  signify  nothing. 

After  the  customary  delays,  the  suit  came  on  be 
fore  one  JUSTICE  SCOUT  ;  *  and  Jonathan's  lawyer,  who 
was  selected,  like  a  race-horse,  for  his  wind,  made  a 
speech,  in  which  he  said  the  same  things  over  and 
over  again  so  often,  that,  had  not  the  honest  justice 
fallen  fast  asleep,  he  must  have  been  more  than 
mortal.  Bull's  lawyer  answered  him  in  a  speech 
which  all  the  people  in  court  said  was  twice  as  good, 
because  it  was  twice  as  long.  Mr.  Justice  Scout, 
being  refreshed  by  his  nap,  listened  to  him  with  great 
attention,  and  took  several  notes,  which  made  folks 
think  the  speech  was  a  very  deep  one. 

These  speeches  being  made,  and  everybody  being 
quite  tired,  the  court  adjourned.  The  next  day,  at 
it  they  went  again;  and  Jonathan's  lawyer  proved 
clearly  enough,  that,  by  the  old  customs  of  the  neigh 
bourhood,  all  the  neighbours  had  an  equal  privilege  to 
use  the  mill-pond,  except  just  as  far  as  the  water-lots 
extended  in  front  of  the  different  manors  and  farms. 
In  reply,  the  squire's  lawyer  cited  some  old  parch 
ments,  which  nobody  .could  ever  find;  talked  of  the 
ancient  rights  of  the  Bull  family,  which  nobody  ever 
acknowledged;  and  of  old  customs  of  the  manor, 
which  no  soul  could  remember.  But  what  he  partic- 

*  Sir  William  Scott.  1835. 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  51 

ularly  dwelt  on  was  the  statute  of  CLUB-LAW,  which, 
though  not  in  any  books  that  he  knew  of,  was  older 
than  the  common-law ;  had  always  been  acted  upon 
by  the  Bull  family,  and  had  this  singular  excellence, 
that  it  applied  equally  to  every  side  of  every  question, 
and  justified  every  action,  good  or  bad. 

The  proofs  being  got  through,  Mr.  Justice  Scout, 
like  a  most  worshipful  and  upright  fellow,  sent  to 
Squire  Bull  to  know  how  the  law  stood  that  day,  as 
one  asks  which  way  the  wind  blows,  knowing  that  it 
is  always  changing.  Bull  told  the  justice  that  the  law 
of  the  day  was  that  Jonathan  must  lose  his  boats,  and 
pay  handsome  costs  into  the  bargain,  to  sicken  him 
of  going  to  law.  When  Justice  Scout  got  his  cue,  he 
pretended,  in  order  to  make  people  believe  that  he  fol 
lowed  his  own  judgment,  that,  this  being  a  very 
knotty  cause,  he  must  have  time  to  make  up  his  mind. 
Then  he  dismissed  the  court  till  next  day,  went  home, 
swallowed  a  good  supper,  and  slept  all  night,  without 
once  thinking  of  Jonathan  or  his  cause. 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

How  Justice  Scout  proved  that  changing  one's  mind  is  a  proof  that  one 
grows  wiser,  and  that  a  real  wise  man  is  like  a  goose,  and  casts  his  opin 
ions  as  often  as  she  does  her  feathers. 

THE   next    day  Justice    Scout    gave    his    opinion 
thus :  — 

"  GENTLEMEN, 

"  It  was  a  maxim  of  former  times,  that  if  a  man 
would  be  uniformly  wise,  he  must  change  his  mind 


52  JOHN  BULL  AND 

every  day.  Now,  as  I  alter  my  opinions  whenever 
the  wind  changes,  I  must  be  a  wise  man.  'Tis  true, 
I  said  the  other  day  that  the  law  was  the  same  at  all 
times  and  to  all  persons ;  but  having  since  that  grown 
a  wonderful  deal  wiser,  I  have  wisely  altered  my 
opinion.  It  would  be  a  fine  thing,  truly,  if  a  stranger 
had  the  same  rights  in  Bullock  Island  as  the  lord  of 
the  manor  himself.  No,  no ;  let  us  have  none  of  these 
new-fangled  principles  of  liberty  and  equality  foisted 
over  the  old  and  unchangeable  customs  of  the  manor. 
Law,  in  fact,  is  one  thing  one  day,  and  another  thing 
another  day ;  which  is  entirely  agreeable  to  the  oldest 
and  greatest  law  in  the  world,  the  law  of  nature, 
which  on  the  very  face  of  it  declares  that  all  things 
are  subject  to  change.  Really,  gentlemen,  it  seems 
nonsense  to  insist  on  these  obvious  points.  Would 
you  fly  in  the  face  of  nature?  Certainly  not;  and 
therefore,  I  take  it  for  granted,  you  will  all  see  the 
propriety  of  changing  the  law  of  boats  every  day  or 
two. 

"  The  law,  as  it  stands  to-day,  is  — "  Here  Justice 
Scout  sent  his  tipstaff  to  Squire  Bull,  to  know  if  the 
law  had  not  changed  since  yesterday,  and,  being  satis 
fied  on  this  point,  went  on  — 

"  The  law,  gentlemen,  as  it  stands  to-day,  is,  that 
Mr.  Jonathan  having  broken  the  venerable  statute  of 
club-law,  and  infringed  upon  the  rights  of  Squire  Bull, 
to  wit,  the  right  of  the  strongest,  by  sailing  boats  on 
the  mill-pond  without  the  squire's  leave,  has  forfeited 
all  claim  to  common  justice,  and  must  therefore 
pocket  his  losses,  pay  costs,  and  keep  out  of  Bull's 
way  at  his  peril." 

Hereupon  the  tenants,  who  were  tickled  to  the  very 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  53 

marrow  with  this  permission  to  plunder  Jonathan, 
threw  up  their  hats,  gave  three  cheers,  and  turning 
out  one  and  all,  saved  his  worship's  horses  the  trouble 
of  dragging  him  home. 


CHAPTER  XV. 

Jonathan  writes  a  letter  to  Squire  Bull,  which  puts  him  in  a  mighty  passion, 
and  costs  "  Master  Canynge  "  *  a  great  pull  of  the  ear. 

JONATHAN,  when  he  heard  how  his  lawsuit  had 
turned  out,  as  is  common  in  such  cases,  fell  foul  of  the 
law,  and  forgetting  that  it  was  only  the  abuse  of  a 
good  thing  that  he  had  to  complain  of,  did  belabour 
with  hard  words  the  whole  system.  Then  he  called 
the  lawyers  a  pack  of  drivelling  chatterboxes,  who 
one  half  of  the  time  did  not  know  what  they  were 
saying,  and  the  other  half  said  nothing  to  the  pur 
pose.  But  the  cream  of  his  blessing  fell  upon  Justice 
Scout,  who,  instead  of  asking  what  the  law  was,  only 
inquired  about  Squire  Bull's  opinion  of  it,  and  who, 
he  swore,  was  just  fit  to  be  chief-justice  of  the 
manor  of  Beelzebub. 

Having  thus  burned  his  fingers  with  the  law,  Jona 
than  thought  he  would  try  what  reason  would  do. 
Having  often  heard  say  that  there  is  reason  in  all 
things,  he  did  not  know  but  he  might  find  a  little  in 
Squire  Bull's  pate,  so  he  wrote  him  the  following 
letter:  — 

*  George  Canning,  the  celebrated  wit  and  statesman,  from  1807  to 
1809  British  Secretary  of  State  for  Foreign  Affairs. 


54  JOHN  BULL  AND 

"  To  John  Sully  Esquire,  of  Bullock,  greeting. 

"  HONOURED  FATHER, 

"  Though  I  am  your  son,  I  have  always  got  more 
kicks  than  coppers  from  you ;  and  now  I  am  grown 
up  to  be  of  age,  I  don't  choose  to  put  up  with  any 
more  of  your  plaguy  nonsense.  I  have  a  right  to 
sail  boats  on  the  mill-pond  for  all  your  silly  claims, 
which  have  got  you  many  a  broken  head,  and  will  get 
you  many  more  before  you  die,  if  you  don't  mind 
your  hits,  old  gentleman.  Moreover,  I  have  a  right 
to  do  business  with  whom  I  please,  as  long  as  I  don't 
go  against  the  old  customs  of  the  neighbourhood  ; 
and  to  visit  where  I  think  fit,  without  Mr.  Bull's 
leave,  and  be  hanged  to  him.  So  please  take  notice, 
that  I  shall  carry  on  my  business  as  I  have  always 
done,  and  visit  Beau  Napperty  when  it  suits  me. 

"  S'life,  daddy,  do  you  think  that  though  I  was 
brought  up  in  the  woods,  I  am  to  be  scared  by  an 
owl  ?  Don't  think  to  bully  me,  daddy ;  for,  though 
you  tell  such  famous  stories  about  our  ancestors, 
everybody  knows  that  the  Bulls  have  been  going 
down  hill  till  they  have  got  nearly  to  the  bottom ; 
and,  between  ourselves,  people  say  they  all  look  up  to 
me  to  support  the  family  honour  in  future.  Though 
they  do  make  such  a  fuss  about  their  great  riches, 
and  all  that,  it's  all  in  my  eye  Betty  Martin ;  and  I 
don't  believe  they  are  any  better  than  their  neigh 
bours,  for  all  they  hold  up  their  heads  so  high. 
Everybody  knows,  daddy,  that  you  owe  a  great  deal 
more  than  you  are  able  to  pay,  and  that  you  can't 
meet  the  interest  of  your  debts  without  borrowing 
money,  raising  your  rents,  and  robbing  the  neigh- 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  55 

hours'  boats.  For  my  part,  I  am  heartily  glad  you 
disinherited  me,  for  now  I  shall  not  be  liable  for  any 
of  your  extravagances. 

"  Was  it  the  part  of  a  good  neighbour  or  an 
honest  man,  daddy,  to  steal  my  boats,  and,  after  that, 
order  your  pitiful,  weathercock  justice  of  the  peace  to 
twist  the  law  so  as  to  make  me  pay  the  costs  of 
claiming  my  own  property  ?  I  know  you  want 
money  bad  enough,  and  for  that  matter  I  would  not 
mind  lending  you  some  to  keep  you  out  of  jail  —  but 
I  don't  choose  to  have  my  pockets  picked,  not  I ;  and 
as  for  your  famous  dub-law,  mayhap  two  of  us  can 
play  at  it,  if  you  come  to  that. 

"  So  look  ye,  daddy,  if  you  don't  let  me  alone 
when  I  am  going  about  my  lawful  business,  and  quit 
taking  my  boats  and  tenants,  like  a  highway  robber 
as  you  are,  you  may  expect  an  otherguess  sort  of  a 
pommelling  than  you  got  from  me  when  I  was  only 
a  boy.  Beware  of  my  wife  too,  who  has  done  noth 
ing  but  scold  for  several  years  past,  and  who  threatens 
to  clapperclaw  you  whenever  you  come  in  her  way. 
Take  a  friend's  advice,  and  look  sharp,  for  she  has  a 
two-edged  tongue,  and  the  nails  of  a  catamount. 

"  I  expect,  if  you  are  an  honest  man,  as  you  say 
you  are,  though  I  find  people  in  general  don't  give 
you  credit  for  being  one,  that  you  will  pay  me  for  the 
property  you  have  cheated  me  out  of  by  means  of 
Justice  Scout ;  and,  moreover,  promise  me  faithfully 
never  to  serve  me  so  again.  Another  thing  that  I 
had  like  to  forget  until  just  now  is,  that  you  are  to 
quit  coming  on  board  of  my  boats  and  taking  out  my 
people  under  pretence  of  getting  back  your  tenants, 
who  come  over  to  settle  on  my  farms.  It  is  a  sin 


56  JOHN   BULL   AND 

and  a  shame,  daddy,  to  keep  the  poor  fellows  from 
giving  up  their  leases,  when  you  are  every  year  rais 
ing  their  rents,  so  that  now  they  can  hardly  keep 
themselves  from  starving.  You  say  your  tenants  are 
the  best  off  of  any  in  the  neighbourhood,  and  if  they 
are  such  fools  as  to  quit  your  manor,  the  sooner  you 
get  rid  of  them  the  better.  For  my  part,  I  scorn  to 
act  in  this  manner,  but  allow  my  tenants  to  go  where 
they  please. 

"  The  long  and  the  short  of  the  matter  is,  that  if  I 
am  satisfied  in  your  answer,  I  am  ready  to  drink  a 
glass  with  you  and  be  friends.  If  not,  you  and  I  will 
be  two,  I  guess,  daddy  ;  and,  to  show  you  that  I  am 
in  right  good  earnest,  I  hereby  let  you  know  that  I 
shall  not  wait  more  than  five  or  six  years  for  your 
final  answer,  being  in  a  great  passion,  and  somewhat 
in  haste. 

"  Your  dutiful  son,  as  you  behave, 

"  JONATHAN." 

This  letter  Jonathan  sent  over  by  his  lawyer,  who 
had  directions  to  back  it  with  the  longest  speech  he 
could  possibly  make. 


CHAPTER  XVI. 

How  Squire  Bull  took  upon  himself  to  be  hugely  insulted  at  Jonathan's 
friendly  letter,  and  sent  him  a  pretty  sort  of  an  answer. 

WHEN  the  sturdy  high-handed  Bull  got  this  letter, 
he  examined  the  direction  with  great  attention,  not 
knowing  the  writing.  Then  he  thrust  his  hand  into 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  57 

his  red  waistcoat-pocket,  from  which  he  pulled  a  great 
pair  of  iron-rimmed  spectacles  made  by  a  neighbour 
ing  blacksmith,  an  excellent  workman,  which,  after 
wiping  off  the  dust  with  his  bandanna  handkerchief, 
he  placed  with  great  deliberation  across  his  nose. 
Then,  drawing  his  great  chair  to  the  light,  he  care 
fully  broke  the  seal,  and,  scratching  his  head  to  assist 
his  comprehension,  began  to  spell  out  the  contents. 

It  was  worth  a  hundred  pounds  of  any  man's 
money  to  see  the  wry  faces  he  made  as  he  began  to 
enter  into  the  spirit  of  Jonathan's  epistle.  Before  he 
got  a  quarter  through,  he  laid  down  his  pipe  with 
such  emphasis  that  it  broke  into  a  thousand  pieces. 
As  he  proceeded,  he  struck  the  table  with  such  force 
that  the  pot  of  beer,  which  was  his  most  trusty  coun 
sellor  and  companion,  danced  about  like  a  pea  on  a 
tobacco-pipe,  and  finally  overset  on  the  floor,  while 
the  old  fellow's  visage  gradually  puckered  up  like  a 
cabbage-leaf  before  the  fire.  When  he  had  fairly  got 
through,  he  very  leisurely  tore  the  letter  into  a  mil 
lion  of  little  pieces,  walked  with  the  most  stately  and 
grim  solemnity  to  the  window,  and  very  deliberately 
threw  them  to  the  d — 1,  to  whom  he  always  consigned 
any  thing  that  gave  him  great  offence. 

Then  taking  a  turn  or  two  to  consider  what  was 
proper  for  his  dignity,  he  called  for  one  "  Master 
Canynge,"  a  sort  of  jester  and  buffoon,  whom  John 
employed  to  write  his  letters  and  make  him  laugh 
when  he  was  melancholy.  They  used  to  dub  him 
John's  secretary,  inasmuch  as  he  generally  answered 
the  squire's  letters  that  came  from  abroad,  because  he 
was  thought  to  spell  better  than  any  of  Bull's  ser 
vants.  As  for  the  squire  himself,  he  did  not  often 


58  JOHN  BULL   AND 

venture  to  write  his  own  billets,  and  when  he  did 
they  were  in  such  a  villanous  cramp  hand,  so  full  of 
incoherences,  and  so  interlarded  with  bad  spelling, 
that  it  was  more  trouble  to  read  them  than  they  were 
worth. 

Bull  told  Master  Canynge  of  Jonathan's  letter,  and 
directed  him  to  answer  it  forthwith ;  but  the  jocular 
secretary  told  him,  with  great  submission,  that  in 
order  to  answer  a  letter  properly  it  was  necessary  to 
know  its  contents.  The  squire,  who  was  famous  for 
sometimes  listening  to  reason,  hereupon  immediately 
began  to  fumble  in  his  pockets ;  then  he  turned  them 
all  inside  out,  ransacked  every  hole  and  corner  of  the 
room,  pish'd  and  pshaw'd  like  fury,  and  at  last  recol 
lected  having  torn  and  thrown  it  out  of  the  window. 
Canynge  relished  this  joke  hugely,  swore  it  was  the 
best  thing  he  had  seen  in  a  long  time,  and  began  to 
laugh  like  a  whole  swarm  of  flies  at  the  squire's  for- 
getfulness.  His  mirth  was  however  arrested  by  John's 
laying  hold  of  his  ear,  and  giving  it  a  hearty  lug  in 
order  to  make  him  serious,  telling  him  at  the  same 
time  he  was  an  impudent  rascal  to  laugh  at  his  bet 
ters. 

"  Master  Canynge  "  hereupon  sat  down,  and,  being 
not  a  little  confused  with  the  tingling  of  his  ear,  as 
well  as  somewhat  ruffled  at  the  squire's  application, 
wrote  the  following  singular  and  impertinent  answer 
to  Jonathan's  letter.  Bull,  who  hated  reading  as 
much  as  he  did  writing,  signed  it,  as  was  his  usual 
custom,  without  knowing  what  were  its  contents.  It 
was  immediately  despatched,  and  ran  thus  :  — 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  59 


"  To  Mr.  Jonathan,  greeting. 

"  YOU  LUBBERLY    YANKEY  ! 

"  Don't  think  I'll  give  up  my  rights,  privileges,  and 
prerogatives,  to  such  a  hop-o-my-thumb,  mint-sling, 
rum -jockey  as  thou  art.  Why,  thou  unnatural  cub, 
answer  me  one  thing  —  did  I  not  beget  thee,  villain ! 
—  and  could  I  not  have  begotten  thee  or  not,  just  as 
I  pleased?  Body  o'  me!  what  an  undutiful  rascal 
thou  art,  to  be  pestering  with  impertinent  letters  the 
father  that  begat  thee,  and  who,  by  refusing  to  do  so, 
might  have  made  a  nobody  of  you. 

"  Thou  art,  moreover,  a  great  blockhead,  as  well  as 
an  ungrateful  dog,  son  Jonathan,  to  be  in  the  least 
angry  at  my  conduct  towards  thy  boats,  seeing  I  don't 
mean  to  do  you  the  least  injury,  all  my  plans  being 
to  plague  that  little  caitiff  Beau  Napperty,  to  be  re 
venged  on  whom  I  would  send  you  and  all  your  ras 
cally  generation  to  the  d — 1.  Body  o'  me!  I  say 
again,  Squire  Sapskull,  did  not  I  beget  thee  ?  And 
am  I  not  one  of  the  most  honest  fellows  in  the  whole 
neighbourhood?  I  say  it  myself,  I  have  said  it  a 
thousand  times,  and  therefore  it  must  be  true. 

"  I  have  twelve  hundred  boats  on  the  mill-pond,  and 
if  you  doubt  my  assertions,  I  will  demonstrate  them 
with  the  aforesaid  boats  in  the  twinkling  of  an  eye. 
Plague  take  the  fellow !  —  dost  not  see,  thou  animal 
with  half  an  eye,  that  if  I  plunder  your  boats,  it  is  all 
for  your  own  good,  because  it  enables  me  to  annoy 
the  more  effectually  that  little  villanous  Frogmorean, 
who,  if  I  did  not  keep  him  within  bounds,  would 
come  over  and  upset  your  whole  household,  you 
booby  ?  Here  am  I  now,  cutting  and  slashing  in  all 


60  JOHN  BULL  AND 

directions  at  the  disturber  of  the  neighbourhood,  Beau 
Napperty :  and  though  it  must  be  confessed  most  of 
the  blows  fall  upon  you,  and  others  upon  my  own 
pate,  yet  in  the  eye  of  sober  reason  I  do  you  no  harm, 
because  I  intend  none,  upon  my  honour;  all  I  mean 
is  to  annoy  the  common  enemy  of  all,  and  prevent  his 
doing  you  manifest  injury. 

"  Besides,  thou  unreasonable,  pestilent  rogue,  am 
not  I  an  honest  fellow,  and  is  not  Beau  Napperty 
a  knave?  And  is  it  not  reasonable  that  an  honest 
man  should  have  the  same  privilege  as  a  knave  ? 
Things  are  come  to  a  pretty  pass  in  the  world,  if 
honesty  can't  rob  and  plunder  as  well  as  knavery; 
and  therefore  I  maintain,  and  prove  by  my  twelve 
hundred  boats,  that  I  have  as  good  a  right  to  rob  as 
Beau  Napperty,  nay,  a  better  than  he,  because  I  am 
such  a  fine,  honest  fellow,  and  make  such  good  use  of 
what  I  get.  And  did  I  not  beget  thee,  villain  ?  An 
swer  me  that,  I  say  again. 

"  You  can't  wait  for  my  answer,  you  say.  You 
ungrateful  villain,  to  talk  in  this  way  to  the  kindest 
father  that  ever  turned  his  son  out  of  doors!  You 
can't,  hey!  —  well,  here  is  my  answer.  I'll  plunder 
your  fir-built  boats,  with  a  bit  of  striped  bunting 
stuck  on  a  corn-stalk  for  a  flag  —  I'll  snap  my  fingers 
and  bite  my  thumb  at  you  as  often  as  I  please  —  I'll 
disown,  disinherit,  and  unbeget  you,  and  swear  you 
are  the  son  of  a  French  barber  and  a  Dutch  fish- 
woman.  I  am  a  religious  man,  an  affectionate  father, 
and  I  don't  care  who  knows  it. 

"  Therefore,  look  ye,  friend  Jonathan,  my  son  —  I 
hold  that  the  right  of  doing  wrong  is  inherent  in  all 
honest  fellows  that  have  twelve  hundred  boats  like 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  61 

myself.  It  is  moreover  necessary,  because  I  can't  get 
the  better  of  Beau  Napperty,  whom  I  am  pleased  to 
hate  beyond  all  other  men,  without  it ;  and  it  is  more 
over  proper,  because  it  is  much  better  that  honest 
fellows  like  me  should  flourish  by  evil  means,  than 
that  knavery,  which  is  Beau  Napperty,  should  flourish 
at  all.  So  don't  pester  me  with  any  more  of  your 
complaints,  or  tell  me  any  more  of  your  wife's  threats. 
I  am  an  honest  fellow,  dam'rne!  I  begot  thee,  and 
have  a  right  to  do  what  I  please  with  my  own  chil 
dren;  and,  what's  more,  I  will. 

"  Thy  abused  father, 
"JOHN  BULL." 

When  "  Master  Canynge  "  had  finished  this  letter, 
he  went  and  lounged  about  the  squire's  parlour, 
cracked  his  jokes  as  usual,  wrote  lampoons  and  songs, 
and  quizzed  the  kitchen  wenches  till  they  swore  he 
was  the  drollest  dog  in  the  whole  manor.  After  this 
he  went  to  the  CHAPEL*  and  tickled  Bull's  wife  till  she 
squeaked,  entertained  John's  overseer  with  some  good 
stories,  and,  after  swallowing  a  couple  of  mugs  of 
strong  ale,  went  to  bed  and  dreamed  he  was  made 
high-bailiff  of  the  manor  of  Bullock. 

*  St.  Stephen's  chapel  in  the  old  Westminster  Hall  building,  then  used 
for  the  sessions  of  the  House  of  Commons. 


62  JOHN  BULL  AND 


CHAPTER  XVH. 

Squire  Bull  talks  so  foolishly,  and  acts  so  unseemly  to  Brother  Jonathan, 
that  the  poor  fellow  don't  know  whether  to  laugh  or  cry. 

IN  due  time  Jonathan  received  this  curious  letter, 
which  proved  pretty  clearly  that  Bull  thought  him 
a  fool  or  a  coward.  He  put  it  into  his  wife's  hand, 
and  that  talkative  lady,  who  generally  took  it  out  in 
scolding,  was  in  such  a  quandary,  that  she  hardly 
knew  whether  she  stood  on  her  heels  or  her  head. 
She  uttered  so  many  queer  notions  on  the  subject,  one 
treading  in  the  steps  of  the  other,  that  Jonathan  could 
not,  for  the  soul  of  him,  tell  what  she  would  be  at. 
The  truth  is,  she  did  not  exactly  know  herself;  but,  as 
he  asked  her  opinion,  she  thought  she  must  say  some 
thing.  So  she  went  on  for  a  whole  six  months  at 
least,  dinning  it  away  like  a  parcel  of  bells  playing 
at  random  —  each  a  different  tune.  Sometimes  she 
talked  like  a  farmer;  sometimes  like  a  tobacco- 
planter  ;  sometimes  like  a  boatman :  but  most  gener 
ally  like  a  woman. 

In  the  meantime  Bull  and  Jonathan  wrote  letters  to 
each  other  every  day.  Bull  sometimes  would  profess 
a  great  fatherly  kindness  for  Jonathan,  and  then,  in 
the  very  next  letter,  twit  him  with  being  a  friend  of 
Beau  Napperty ;  treating  him  at  the  same  time  as  if 
he  were  a  mere  nobody,  and  insisting  on  the  right 
which  he  had  under  the  famous  statute  of  club-law. 
It  was  not  a  little  curious  to  see  the  fetches  the  squire 
made  use  of  to  bolster  up  his  new  law.  In  one  of 
his  letters,  he  insisted  upon  it  that  there  was  no  good 
rule  to  decide  who  was  in  the  right,  except  to  find  out 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  63 

who  was  the  strongest.  "  Doth  not,"  said  John,  "  the 
strong  animal  prey  upon  the  weak  ?  It  is  a  law  of 
nature,  friend  Jonathan;  and  therefore  it's  nonsense 
for  such  a  slack-breeched  fellow  as  thou  art  to  talk 
against  it.  S'life,  what  is  the  use  of  being  strong  if 
one  can't  play  the  d — 1,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing, 
now  and  then  a  little  ?  " 

Then  John  had  another  curious  argument,  which 
he  probably  picked  up  in  some  last  dying  speech  and 
confession,  and  which  he  called  the  necessity  of  the 
case.  This  he  swore  was  a  good  excuse  for  robbing 
on  the  highway  or  on  the  high  seas.  "  A  fellow," 
quoth  John,  "  robs  on  the  highway  from  the  necessity 
of  the  case :  that  is,  because  he  wants  money  to  buy 
horses,  fine  clothes,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing.  True, 
he  is  hanged  for  it  if  caught;  but  if  he  is  knowing 
enough  to  evade,  or  strong  enough  to  bully,  the  laws, 
or  rich  enough  to  bribe  the  judges,  he  is  held  to  be  an- 
honest  man  in  the  eyes  of  all  men  of  sound  sense,  and 
comes  off  with  flying  colours,  and  all  that  sort  of 
thing."  Bull  was  insufferably  vain  of  this  rare  system 
of  reasoning,  and  boasted  that  he  had  twisted  a  rope 
strong  enough  to  hang  a  dozen  such  simple  fellows  as 
Jonathan. 

Jonathan  half  cried  and  half  laughed  at  the  squire's 
nonsense,  for  he  could  not  help  seeing,  and  feeling  too, 
that  though  necessity  might  be  a  very  notable  justifi 
cation  for  a  pick-pocket,  it  was  not  the  most  satisfac 
tory  to  him  who  had  his  pockets  picked.  But  the 
tenants,  who  sometimes  had  these  letters  read  to  them, 
were,  many  of  them  at  least,  imposed  upon  by  Bull's 
arguments,  and  actually  came  to  think,  or  pretended  to 
think,  that  the  squire  was  on  the  right  side  of  the  ditch. 


64  JOHN  BULL  AND 

The  tenants  of  Brother  Jonathan  were,  in  truth,  a 
rare  set  of  fellows,  collected  helter-skelter  from  all 
parts  of  the  neighbourhood,  and  presenting  such  an 
odd  medley  of  faces,  that  it  might  be  said  they  looked 
like  everybody,  and  everybody  looked  like  them. 
Their  minds  were  as  varied  as  their  faces,  and,  as 
they  prided  themselves  upon  thinking  for  themselves 
and  speaking  their  notions  freely,  hardly  any  two 
thought  or  spoke  alike,  for  fear  they  might  be  suspect 
ed  of  wanting  an  independent  spirit.  In  fact,  the 
tenants  of  no  two  farms  ever  pulled  the  same  way; 
and  though,  at  the  time  of  Jonathan's  marriage,  they 
had  all  agreed  to  stick  together  and  support  one 
another  on  all  occasions,  yet  from  the  moment  of  that 
union  they  seem  never  to  have  agreed  in  any  one 
thing  whatever. 

Maybe  you  have  seen  before  now  two  dogs,  who, 
•while  they  had  their  own  will  and  could  do  as  they 
pleased,  were  the  best  friends  in  the  world ;  but  being 
chained  together,  from  that  moment  began  to  snarl 
and  show  their  teeth,  and  never  drew  the  same  way 
afterward.  Or,  to  give  you  a  more  rational  example 
—  perhaps  you  have  seen  a  young  couple  in  the  first 
rudiments  of  an  everlasting  affection,  toying,  casting 
sheep's-eyes,  and  slyly  squeezing  each  other's  hand 
under  the  table.  Peradventure  you  have  come  back 
that  way,  and  seen  this  same  couple  wedded,  disput 
ing  their  road  through  the  world  inch  by  inch,  and 
administering  comfort  to  each  other  by  mutual  re 
crimination,  sturdy  opposition,  and  grumbling  com 
pliance. 

If  you  ever  saw  any  thing  of  this  sort,  you  have 
some   notion   of    the   notable    connexion   subsisting 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  65 

among  Jonathan's  tenants.  There  was  continually 
something  or  other  turning  up  somewhere  or  other 
that  went  against  the  grain  of  some  one  or  other  of 
these  wiseacres,  who,  sagely  concluding  that  it  was 
the  duty  of  the  landlord  to  take  care  of  him  in  pre 
ference  to  anybody  else,  would  begin  to  speak  his 
mind,  as  he  called  it :  that  is,  to  abuse  Jonathan  and 
everybody  that  took  his  part.  I  have  known  the  bark 
ing  of  an  exceeding  small,  insignificant  puppy,  to  set 
all  the  dogs  of  a  neighbourhood  howling  like  fury; 
and  so  it  generally  happened  in  the  farms,  where  the 
scolding  of  one  tenant  caused  a  great  outcry  in  the 
end.  But,  as  this  subject  is  a  little  curious,  it  may  be 
worth  while  to  trace  these  matters  more  distinctly. 


CHAPTER  XVm. 


Touching  the  farms  called  Southlands,  and  what  roy  storing  '"blades  the 
tenants  were.  Also,  of  those  honest,  hearty  fellows,  the  boys  of  the 
Middlelands. 

BROTHER  JONATHAN,  as  I  said  before,  had  a  great 
estate  in  lands,  which,  that  he  might  be  able  to  tell 
one  farm  from  another,  came  to  be  called  by  several 
names,  such  as  the  Southlands,  the  Middlelands, 
Down  East,  and  Far  West.  This  division,  in  time, 
proved  a  great  source  of  heart-burnings  and  conten 
tions  among  the  tenants  occupying  these  different 
farms,  who,  because  they  had  different  names,  began, 
like  a  parcel  of  blockheads  as  they  are,  to  fancy  them 
selves  separate  peoples  with  separate  interests,  and  to 

5 


66  JOHN   BULL   AND 

squabble  among  themselves  about  nothing  or  next  to 
nothing.  In  process  of  time,  these  sectional  feelings 
grew  into  fruitful  sources  of  trouble  to  Brother  Jona 
than,  who  had  much  ado  to  keep  them  from  falling  to 
gether  by  the  ears  at  town-meetings  and  elections. 
Many  people  thought  they  hated  each  other  worse 
than  they  did  Squire  Bull's  tenants,  and  I  believe 
they  were  half  right. 

The  tenants  of  the  farms  commonly  called  South 
lands,  having  plenty  of  negroes  to  work  for  them,  and 
nothing  to  do  but  amuse  themselves,  did,  as  will  often 
happen  with  country  blades,  amuse  themselves  pretty 
considerably  with  horse-racing,  cock-fighting,  barbe 
cues,  and  the  like.  They  were  also  wonderful  boys 
for  what  they  called  anti-fogmaties,  being  certain 
mint-juleps,  which,  to  say  the  truth,  are  exceeding 
toothsome  of  a  foggy  morning,  and  mighty  potent  in 
keeping  away  chills  and  agues.  They  are  supposed 
to  make  a  man  somewhat  belligerent,  an  opinion  to 
which  I  incline,  seeing  I  remember  I  once  felt  their 
effects  myself  at  a  training,  in  the  which  I  charged 
quite  through  a  numerous  phalanx  of  naughty  boys, 
in  despite  of  old  shoes  and  unseemly  maledictions. 

But  for  all  this,  the  Southlanders  were  a  set  of 
frank,  jolly,  hospitable,  high-spirited  fellows,  with 
hearts  always  open  and  above-board.  A  man  might 
live  among  them  free  of  expense  till  the  cows  came 
home,  if  they  did  not  kill  him  with  good  living  and 
mint-juleps.  For  my  part,  I  always  did  and  always 
shall  like  them,  and  I  'don't  care  who  knows  it. 

These  sturdy  roystering  blades  disliked  the  tenants 
Down  East,  of  whom  I  shall  speak  anon,  because 
they  came  among  them  with  little  one-horse  carts, 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  67 

laden  with  wooden  bowls,  tin-ware,  and  the  like,  and 
made  divers  good  bargains  out  of  them  in  the  way  of 
trade.  It  would  do  your  heart  good  to  hear  some 
of  the  stories,  true  or  false,  told  about  these  travelling 
pedlers,  who  wore  high  steeple-crowned  hats,  and 
were  about  the  'cutest  fellows  you  ever  saw.  As 
there  is  no  error  more  common  than  to  condemn  a 
whole  community  for  the  fault  of  one,  the  South- 
landers,  judging  from  a  few  bad  samples,  came  at  last 
to  consider  the  Down-Easters  no  better  than  they 
should  be.  Now  the  first  thing  a  Southlander  thinks 
of,  when  he  catches  himself  in  a  passion,  is  fighting ; 
so  whenever  he  was  taken  in  in  a  bargain  for  a 
wooden  clock,  or  some  such  thing,  he  was  pretty  sure 
to  pommel  the  tin-trader,  who  not  unfrequently  had 
scruples  of  conscience  about  fighting.  When  the 
trader  got  home,  of  course  he  told  terrible  stories  of 
gouging  and  the  like ;  so  that  in  time  these  came  to 
be  thought  little  better  than  bullies,  and  those  down 
right  rogues,  though  people  who  were  best  acquainted 
with  them  knew  better. 

Those  who  tenant  the  flourishing  farms  of  the  Mid- 
dlelands  are  for  the  most  part  steady,  sober-minded 
farmers,  expert  boatmen  belonging  to  the  great  land 
ings,  and  comfortable  tradesmen  well-to-do  in  the 
world.  They  agree  mighty  well  together,  as  also  with 
the  tenants  of  the  other  farms ;  or  if  they  chance  to 
quarrel  about  nothing,  the  one  class  balances  the  other, 
and  the  farms  don't  get  into  a  sweat  as  they  do  in 
other  parts  of  Brother  Jonathan's  estates. 

It  will  be  found  by  those  who  take  the  trouble  to 
inquire,  that  in  all  Brother  Jonathan's  farms  where  this 
mixture  does  not  prevail,  the  tenants  are  very  igno- 


68  JOHN  BULL  AND 

rant  and  headstrong  in  their  opinions  and  prejudices. 
Having  but  one  exclusive  road  to  prosperity,  they 
conclude  there  is  no  other  way  but  this  in  the  world, 
that  what  is  their  interest  must  be  everybody's  in 
terest,  and  that  whenever  that  is  affected  the  whole 
world  must  be  turned  upsidedown.  But  on  the  con 
trary,  where,  as  in  the  farms  I  am  treating  of,  the 
different  orders  of  men  are  mingled  together,  the  per 
petual  collision  of  interests  in  time  wears  away  their 
different  asperities,  and  introduces  a  reasonable  regard 
for  each  other's  welfare. 

And  now  I  am  in  for  it,  I  will  make  another  sage 
remark,  which  will  be  found  equally  true  with  the  last. 
It  is  this  :  that  those  farms  which  form  the  extremities 
of  Brother  Jonathan's  property  have  always  been 
more  easily  agitated  and  set  in  motion  than  the 
others ;  and  in  this  they  exhibit  a  striking  analogy  to 
the  parts  of  the  human  frame.  The  tickling  of  the 
soles  of  the  feet  will  set  one  kicking  at  a  furious  rate ; 
and  the  touch  of  a  feather  at  the  nose  causes  the  pro 
boscis  to  be  violently  agitated,  while  the  rest  of  the 
body  remains  quiescent.  So,  if  you  meddle  with 
the  farms  of  Southlands,  which  form,  as  it  were,  the 
legs,  or  with  the  farms  Down  East,  which  constitute 
the  snout,  or  proboscis,  of  Brother  Jonathan's  domain, 
you  will  always  find  a  mighty  deal  of  agitation  and 
grimace  in  them,  while  the  more  noble  parts  that  lie 
in  the  vicinity,  as  it  were,  of  the  heart,  remain  undis 
turbed. 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  69 


CHAPTER  XIX. 

Of  the  'cute  boys  of  Down  East,  and  how  they  got  the  name  (among  them 
selves)  of  being  wiser  and  better  than  their  neighbours. 

THE  farms  belonging  to  Brother  Jonathan,  Down 
East,  it  is  said,  were  originally  taken  on  long  leases, 
by  a  set  of  conscientious  fellows  who  left  Bullock 
Island  a  great  while  ago,  because  Squire  Bull,  who 
was  a  very  religious  man,  and  head  of  the  church  by 
custom  of  the  manor,  made  a  law  "  abolishing  diver 
sities  of  opinion  in  religious  matters,"  dreaming,  like 
a  great  blockhead  as  he  was,  that  he  could  make  all 
people  think  alike,  which  in  my  opinion  is  about  as 
easy  as  to  make  them  all  look  alike.  These  good 
people  went  through  terrible  hardships,  which  they 
bore  like  men,  till  they  cleared  their  lands ;  and,  having 
suffered  so  much  for  opinion,  it  is  no  wonder  if  they 
should  be  a  little  obstinate  sometimes. 

Some  of  these  were  of  the  sect  of  the  witches,  and, 
I  am  credibly  informed,  came  over  the  mill-pond  on 
broomsticks.  The  tenants,  however,  soon  found  out 
these  diabolical  sinners,  and  got  rid  of  them,  as  we 
extirpate  caterpillars,  by  smoking  them  out.  Many 
ignorant  people  have  their  fling  at  the  tenants  Down 
East  for  being  so  much  afraid  of  witches,  and  Squire 
Bull  often  cracked  his  jokes  on  them  about  it;  but 
they  had  all  better  hold  their  tongues,  for,  if  the  truth 
were  known,  the  whole  neighbourhood  was  pretty 
much  in  the  same  box  at  that  time,  and  most  espe 
cially  Squire  Bull's  tenants.  Be  this  as  it  may,  the 
Down  Easters  took  such  good  care  to  get  rid  of  the 
witches  and  wizards,  that  for  many  years  past  they 


70  JOHN  BULL  AND 

have  been  entirely  extinct,  unless,  as  some  sup 
pose,  there  is  a  cross  of  their  blood  in  Major  Jack 
Downing.* 

These  Down-Easters  are  excellent  good  boatmen,  as 
well  as  great  takers  of  codfish,  alewives,  and  a  certain 
fish  called  dumbfish,  for  some  reason  I  wot  not  of,  see 
ing  all  fish,  so  far  as  I  know,  are  dumb.  Be  this  as  it 
may,  they  are  very  'much  addicted  to  dumbfish,  partic 
ularly  on  Saturdays,  and  such  is  the  salutary  effect  of 
this  regimen,  that  the  greatest  scolds  in  the  capital 
town  of  the  Down-Easters  say  nothing  but  their  pray 
ers  all  that  day.  It  is  moreover  observed,  that  neither 
the  courts  nor  the  meeting-houses  (except  that  of  the 
Quakers)  are  open  on  Saturday,  for  that  both  parsons 
and  lawyers  are  incapable  of  speechifying.  These 
things  are  so  curious,  that  I  thought  them  worth  re 
cording  in  this  diverting  and  true  history. 

Squire  Bull,  who  abuses  everybody,  has  trumped 
up  from  time  to  time  divers  tough  stories  about  these 
good  people,  to  whose  discredit  I  know  nothing,  ex 
cept  that  they  stopped  me  once  travelling  on  a  Sun 
day  when  I  was  going  to  be  married,  and  a  pestilent 
rogue  from  somewhere  Down  East  took  me  in  with  a 
wooden  clock  which  would  not  strike,  because,  I  sup 
pose,  it  had  been  brought  up  upon  dumbfish.  In  fact, 
they  are  shrewd  hands  at  a  bargain,  as  the  following 
true  story  will  exemplify. 

An  Oatlander,  a  tenant  of  Squire  Bull,  as  sharp  as 
a  razor,  once  rode  away  Down  East  on  the  back  of  a 
horse  that  had  wall  eyes,  a  switch  tail,  shambling 

*  Charles  Augustus  Davis  published  in  Philadelphia,  in  1834,  "The  Life 
of  Andrew  Jackson,  President  of  the  United  States.  Illustrated  with  numer 
ous  cuts.  By  Major  Jack  Downing  of  the  Downingville  Militia." 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  71 

gait,  and  marvellous  spindle-shanks.  There  was  hair 
enough  in  his  fetlocks  to  stuff  a  sofa,  and  you  might 
have  counted  his  ribs  at  the  distance  of  half  a  league 
had  they  not  been  well  covered  with  a  coat  of  matted 
hair  that  entirely  prevented  this  disgrace.  Our  ad 
venturer  went  on  at  a  miserable  pace  till  he  came  in 
sight  of  a  neat  looking  tavern,  when  he  clapped  spurs 
to  his  steed,  who,  with  a  most  desperate  effort,  trotted 
up  to  the  place  in  a  truly  gallant  manner. 

At  the  gate  of  the  stable-yard  stood  a  raw-boned, 
long-sided,  rosy-cheeked,  light-haired  lad,  who  seemed 
gaping  about  as  if  he  had  just  thrust  his  nose  into 
the  world.  He  wore  a  light-blue  linsey-woolsey 
coatee,  no  waistcoat,  and  a  pair  of  tow-linen  trousers, 
that,  by  reason  of  his  having  outgrown  them,  reached 
just  below  the  calf  of  his  leg ;  but  what  they  wanted 
in  length  they  made  up  in  breadth,  being  of  that  indi 
vidual  sort  called  by  sailors  cannon-mouthed.  But 
what  most  particularly  fixed  the  stranger's  attention 
was  a  white  hat,  which,  on  account  of  its  having 
been  often  caught  in  the  rain,  had  lost  its  original 
outline,  and  marvellously  resembled  a  hay-stack  in 
shape  and  colour. 

This  figure  was  leaning  over  a  gate,  with  one  hand 
scratching  his  head,  and  supporting  his  chin  with  the 
other,  in  the  true  style  of  listlessness  and  simplicity. 
Our  adventurer  marked  him  for  his  prey,  and,  after 
some  conversation,  finding  he  had  a  horse,  offered  to 
swap  with  him.  The  youth,  after  the  fashion  of 
Down  East,  first  asked  him  what  was  his  name,  what 
countryman  he  was,  where  he  came  from,  and  where 
he  was  going ;  together  with  other  questions  equally 
necessary. 


72  JOHN  BULL  AND 

Having  received  satisfaction  in  these  points,  they 
fell  to  work,  and  our  Oatlander  never  had  a  tougher 
job  in  his  life.  At  last,  however,  a  bargain  was 
struck,  and  he  went  on  his  way,  chuckling  at  having 
taken  in  the  clodhopper.  All  at  once,  however,  his 
horse  insisted  on  lying  down,  and  his  mirth  came  to 
the  ground  with  him.  While  he  was  standing  over 
his  steed,  endeavouring,  by  the  vigorous  application  of 
kicks  and  cuffs,  to  persuade  him  to  rise,  who  should 
come  jogging  along  but  the  lad  with  the  hay-stack 
hat,  who  assured  him  that  his  horse  would  infallibly 
get  up  when  he  was  tired  of  lying  down ;  that  he  did 
not  care  to  rest  himself  in  this  manner  above  eight  or 
ten  times  a  day,  and  was  in  other  respects  so  good  a 
beast,  that  if  he  would  give  him  twenty  dollars  to 
boot  he  would  swap  back  again.  Our  luckless  travel 
ler  was  fain  to  agree ;  so,  mounting  his  former  resurrec 
tion  of  dry  bones,  he  made  the  best  of  his  way  out  of 
the  neighbourhood,  and  not  one  of  his  countrymen 
has,  ever  since,  ventured  to  settle  in  those  parts,  or 
drive  a  bargain  with  a  Down  Easter. 

By  reason  of  the  women  being  exceedingly  fruitful, 
the  farms  every  year  are  obliged  to  swarm,  after  the 
fashion  of  beehives ;  the  young  ones  leaving  the  old 
hive  to  find  room  elsewhere,  which  they  do  easy 
enough,  having  a  singular  faculty  in  getting  on  in  the 
world  which  smacks  a  little  of  witchcraft.  It  is  ob 
served,  that  like  locusts,  wherever  they  light,  they 
soon  clear  all  before  them,  and  drive  away  the  old 
settlers. 

This  has  especially  been  the  case  in  those  parts  of 
Brother  Jonathan's  farms  that  were  tenanted  by  those 
who  came  of  the  stock  of  some  honest  Bellygians, 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  73 

who  paddled  over  from  the  great  bog-meadow  I 
spoke  of  in  the  first  part  of  this  history.  These 
were  a  parcel  of  industrious,  sober,  steady,  slow- 
motioned,  deliberative,  pursy,  thick-legged,  four-square 
boys,  with  faces  much  wider  at  the  bottom  than  the 
top,  like  to  the  angels  that  are  cut  on  the  old- 
fashioned  head-stones.  They  were  great  smokers  of 
tobacco,  and  walked,  worked,  deliberated,  and  some 
times  slept,  with  a  pipe  in  their  mouth.  Such  was 
their  love  of  this  practice,  that  it  is  reported  the  clerk 
of  a  certain  parish,  not  being  able  to  get  any  tobacco, 
did  incontinently  cut  up  the  bell-rope,  which  he 
smoked,  to  the  great  scandal  of  the  church. 

Mercy  preserve  us !  what  work  the  Down-Easters 
made  among  these  slow-motioned  fellows.  In  a  little 
time  they  would  evaporate  and  disappear,  as  it  were, 
in  their  own  smoke,  nobody  knew  where;  like  the 
Indians,  when  the  white  people  get  among  them  and 
civilize  them  with  brandy. 

Between  the  tenants  of  Down  East  and  those  of 
Southlands  there  did  exist  a  deal  of  ill-will :  this 
was  partly  owing  to  the  cause  I  mentioned  before, 
partly  to  difference  of  manners  and  customs,  for  the 
former  abhorred  horse-races,  cock-fights,  and  mint- 
slings,  preferring  thereto  apple-brandy,  tea,  cucumbers, 
pumpkin-pies,  thanksgivings,  general  trainings,  and 
other  harmless  luxuries.  There  were  also  certain  in 
terests  which  seemed  to  clash  between  these  two  — 
I  mean  certain  petty,  every-day  interests,  such  as  lead 
little  fellows  by  the  nose  in  opposition  to  their  lasting 
happiness. 

But  the  most  growing  portion  of  Brother  Jona 
than's  estates  was  an  immense  tract  of  new  lands  he 


74  JOHN  BULL  AND 

had  purchased  since  he  came  of  age,  away  beyond 
the  mountains,  which  came  to  be  known  by  the  name 
of  the  Far  West.  He  bought  it  a  great  bargain  of 
Beau  Napperty,  who  was  no  great  hand  at  clearing 
new  lands,  or  handling  any  sharp-edged  tool  except 
his  great  toasting-iron.  These  new  farms  are  among 
the  best  lands  Jonathan  had;  and  you  may  depend 
upon  it,  the  Down  Easters,  and  the  tenants  of  the 
other  farms,  who  had  worn  out  the  soil,  were  not  back 
ward  in  settling  them,  for  Jonathan  wisely  let  them 
have  the  land  cheap  and  gave  a  long  credit.  All  the 
bold,  enterprising  fellows,  who  wanted  elbow-room  at 
home,  or  had  more  little  curly-pated  rogues  of  chil 
dren  than  they  knew  what  to  do  with,  pulled  up 
stakes,  and  went  forth  to  seek  the  promised  land  of 
the  Far  West.  In  process  of  time  they  multiplied 
into  ever  so  many  thousands,  and  the  children  grew 
so  fast  that  some  thought  they  would  never  be  done 
growing. 

Being  used  from  childhood  to  lay  out  in  the  woods 
under  the  canopy  of  heaven,  which  they  called  a  sky- 
blanket,  to  hunt  the  bears  and  other  wild  animals 
that  were  at  first  as  plenty  as  tame  ones  Down  East, 
they  grew  up  a  hardy,  independent  race,  that  feared 
nothing,  cared  for  nobody,  and  justly  thought  them 
selves  equal  to  any  folks  in  the  world.  They  some 
times  bearded  Brother  Jonathan  himself,  and  told  him 
to  his  face  that  if  he  did  not  mind  his  P's  and  Q's 
they  would  pay  no  more  rent,  and  put  it  into  him 
before  he  could  prime  his  rifle. 

They  were  the  greatest  shots  —  I  don't  mean  with 
the  long  bow,  though  some  of  them  were  pretty  good 
at  that,  but  with  the  rifle  —  that  ever  were  seen. 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  75 

They  could  kill  a  squirrel  on  the  top  of  the  highest 
tree  that  ever  grew  in  all  out  of  doors,  without  stir 
ring  a  hair  of  his  skin  ;  and  not  a  man  among  them 
but  would  have  thought  himself  a  cowardly  varmint, 
who  would  not  stand  at  a  hundred  yards'  distance, 
and  let  them  shoot  at  a  pint-pot  on  the  top  of  his 
head,  without  winking. 

I  have  heard  say,  for  I  never  was  there,  that  they 
are  the  most  hospitable  people  in  the  whole  neigh 
bourhood,  insomuch  that  they  sometimes  lick  a  fellow 
for  refusing  to  come  in  and  take  pot-luck.  This  I 
know,  for  I  had  it  from  his  own  mouth,  that  a  man 
got  taken  up,  and  was  very  nigh  being  regulated,  only 
for  passing  five  or  six  houses  without  stopping  and 
taking  something.  They  mistrusted  him  for  a  horse- 
stealer. 

Altogether,  they  are  about  as  fine  a  set  of  fellows 
as  I  would  ever  wish  to  see ;  and  it  shall  go  hard  if, 
when  I  have  finished  this  stupendous  history,  I  don't 
pay  them  a  visit,  luxuriate  in  barbecues  with  my  old 
friend  Justice  Wildgoose,  and  hunt  bears  with  Davy 
Crockett.  Like  the  Southlanders  however,  they  had 
a  mortal  prejudice  against  the  Down-Easters,  which  I 
am  in  good  hopes  will  die  away  in  time,  when  all  the 
old  wooden  clocks  are  worn  out.  For  my  part,  I 
believe  in  my  heart  you  can  always  find  something 
good  among  all  sorts  of  sinners ;  and  I  have  always 
thought  it  was  a  great  piece  of  nonsense  for  people 
living  in  the  same  tub  to  be  continually  trying  to  kick 
out  the  bottom. 

The  upshot  of  all  this  was,  that  let  Jonathan  do 
what  he  would,  he  was  sure  to  get  into  a  scrape,  and 
was  all  his  life  between  hawk  and  buzzard,  as  they 


76  JOHN  BULL  AND 

say.  If  he  pleased  one  he  was  sure  to  displease  the 
other,  and  never  poor  fellow's  ear  burned  so  often; 
for  I  verily  believe  there  was  not  a  minute  in  the 
twenty-four  hours  that  he  was  not  abused  by  some 
body  or  other. 


CHAPTER  XX. 

How  Squire  Bull,  seeing  Jonathan's  farms  at  sixes  and  sevens,  takes  advan 
tage  thereof. 

Now  John  Bull,  though  no  conjurer,  was  yet  not 
quite  an  April-fool ;  and  perceiving,  on  these  occa^ 
sions,  the  divisions  among  Jonathan's  tenants,  made 
his  advantage  of  them.  He  took  all  occasions  to  in 
sult  him  ;  chased  his  boats  whenever  he  saw  them  on 
the  mill-pond,  and  laid  hold  of  his  rowers,  making 
them  turn  out  and  come  aboard  of  his  own  boats,  to 
assist  in  rowing  and  handing  the  sails,  whether  they 
would  or  not. 

The  boatmen,  who  principally  suffered  by  these 
pranks  of  Squire  Bull,  began  to  grumble  at  being 
thus  molested  in  their  affairs ;  and,  as  they  lounged 
about  on  the  sand-beach  scratching  their  heads  for 
want  of  something  else  to  do,  talked  among  them* 
selves  how  Jonathan  was  but  a  sneaking,  milksop  sort 
of  a  fellow,  to  suffer  his  boatmen,  who  were  the  best 
tenants  he  had,  and  paid  more  rents  than  all  the  rest 
of  them  together,  to  be  treated  in  such  an  unhand 
some  manner.  These  fellows  were  always  tanking 
about  their  great  rents,  though  everybody  knew  that 
whatever  they  paid  Jonathan  they  took  good  care  to 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  77 

get  out  of  the  pockets  of  the  other  tenants ;  and  in 
truth  paid  no  more  rent  than  their  neighbours. 

This  getting  to  Jonathan's  ears,  he  wrote  over  once 
again  to  Bull  to  know  what  he  meant  by  such  un- 
neighbourly  conduct;  and  Bull,  in  answer,  sent  him 
word  that  he  did  not  in  the  least  mean  to  hurt  his 
good  friend  and  loving  son  Jonathan,  but  was  merely 
doing  these  things  to  spite  his  arch-enemy  Beau  Nap- 
perty.  Jonathan  told  him,  in  reply,  that  he  did  not 
see  the  sense  of  thrashing  Beau  Napperty  over  his 
shoulders ;  and  what  was  more,  he  would  not  submit 
to  it  from  any  man,  not  even  his  own  father.  Bull 
having  a  notion  that  Jonathan,  notwithstanding  the 
sound  beating  he  had  formerly  given  his  daddy,  wanted 
spunk  to  oppose  him  manfully  on  this  occasion,  would 
not  budge  an  inch,  but  told  Jonathan  that  as  soon  as 
Beau  Napperty  behaved  himself  like  a  gentleman,  he 
would  do  so  too,  but  not  before.  Jonathan  replied, 
he  did  not  care  three  farthings  about  Beau  Napperty, 
who  could  do  him  no  harm ;  and  as  for  its  being  in 
Bull's  power  to  make  said  Beau  behave  like  a  gentle 
man,  that  was  a  job  which  the  d — 1  might  undertake, 
for  all  him.  Upon  this  Bull  snapped  his  fingers,  and 
told  Jonathan  that  he  was  a  most  unreasonable  fellow, 
and  withal  a  great  ninny,  not  to  see  that  his  worthy 
father  was  affording  him  his  protection  against  Beau 
Napperty,  who,  if  it  was  not  for  that,  would  in  the 
twinkling  of  an  eye  come  and  beat  down  Jonathan's 
fences,  burn  all  his  boats,  and  overrun  all  his  farms 
with  Frogmoreans.  In  short,  Brother  Jonathan  ought 
to  have  sense  enough  to  see  that  he  was  acting  the 
part  of  a  loving  parent,  who  chastises  his  children,  not 
out  of  anger,  but  pure  affection. 


78  JOHN  BULL  AND 

"  Plague  take  such  fatherly  kindness,"  quoth  Jona 
than  ;  "  this  old  dad  of  mine,  I  foresee,  will  never  be 
content  till  he  gets  the  whole  neighbourhood  about 
his  ears.  Here  now  is  he  without  a  sincere  friend  or 
relation  in  the  world  that  can  help  him  along  except 
myself;  and  yet  do  I  foresee  that  he  will  oblige  me  to 
turn  against  him  with  the  rest.  Well,  if  I  must,  I 
must."  And  shrugging  up  his  shoulders,  he  went  in 
search  of  his  precious  rib,  to  whom  he  communicated 
Bull's  conduct.  Madam,  as  usual,  began  to  call  the 
squire  names ;  after  which  she  abused  poor  Jonathan ; 
and  finally,  making  a  sudden  turn,  fell  upon  Beau 
Napperty,  and  scored  him  at  such  a  rate,  that  if  the 
poor  Beau  had  heard  her  he  would  have  been  mad 
enough,  I  warrant  you. 

When  she  had  talked  herself  into  an  unutterable 
rage,  and  for  that  reason  held  her  tongue,  Jonathan 
undertook  to  sound  her  about  taking  measures  to 
bring  old  Squire  Bull  to  reason.  He  told  her  that 
he  had  tried  all  peaceable  means  to  right  himself,  and 
had  even  gone  to  law,  but  all  in  vain  ;  and  that  things 
had  now  come  to  that  pass,  that  he  must  either  give 
up  his  right  to  sail  boats  on  the  mill-pond,  or  let  his 
rowers  defend  themselves  when  they  were  molested 
by  Bull,  whom,  with  her  permission,  he  intended  to 
have  a  bout  with  very  soon,  provided  he  did  not  mend 
his  manners. 

He  mentioned  that  he  thought,  with  great  submis 
sion,  as  both  he  and  Squire  BuU  were  rich  fellows, 
and  had  been  at  grammar-school,  it  would  not  be  be 
coming  in  them  to  fight  rough-and-tumble  like  the 
tenants,  but  with  sword  and  pistol  like  gentlemen. 
He  therefore  thought  that,  in  case  he  challenged  Bull, 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  79 

as  he  supposed  he  should  be  obliged  to  do,  he  ought 
to  be  decently  dressed  on  the  occasion.  Now  his 
regimentals,  which  he  wore  when  he  was  in  the  militia, 
were  all  moth-eaten  for  want  of  use ;  and  he  wanted 
a  new  sword  and  pistol,  as  well  as  a  cocked-hat  like 
Beau  Napperty's ;  for,  as  he  was  going  to  turn  out 
with  so  respectable  a  man  as  Squire  Bull,  he  thought 
he  ought  to  look  like  a  gentleman,  and  do  credit  to 
his  breeding. 

For  this  purpose,  as  he  was  somewhat  scant  of 
money,  he  thought,  if  madam  pleased,  he  would 
make  bold  to  raise  the  rents  of  the  tenants  a  little ; 
for  poor  Jonathan,  by  his  marriage-articles,  was  de 
pendent  on  his  wife  for  spending-money,  and  in  fact 
could  do  nothing  without  her  consent.  So  completely 
was  he  tied  up,  that,  if  any  one  tweaked  his  nose 
or  boxed  his  ears,  he  was  obliged,  before  he  could  re 
sent  the  insult,  to  go  home  and  ask  the  consent  of 
his  wife. 

Women  are  noted  for  moderation  in  every  thing, 
more  especially  in  using  that  power  which,  by  the 
articles  of  petticoat  government,  is  ceded  to  them. 
Thus  it  fared  with  Jonathan,  who,  though  a  fellow  of 
the  greatest  landed  estate  in  that  part  of  the  world, 
was  forced  to  pinch  himself  continually  in  his  little 
expenses,  and  always  was  worse  dressed  on  Sundays 
and  holidays  than  any  of  his  neighbours,  by  reason 
of  his  wife's  being  so  stingy.  Though,  if  the  truth 
must  be  told,  she  was  an  extravagant  hussy  herself, 
and  spent  more  in  one  week  than  Jonathan  did  in 
a  whole  year.  They  had  many  squabbles  about  this, 
but  madam  had  the  law  on  her  side,  and  was  always 
backed  by  the  tenants,  because  she  had  managed  to 


80  JOHN  BULL  AND 

make  them  believe  she  was  the  i>est  friend  they  had 
in  the  world. 

When  Jonathan  talked  about  raising  the  rents  of 
his  tenants  a  little,  that  he  might  be  in  a  condition  to 
fight  John  Bull,  my  lady,  after  a  mighty  deal  of  chat 
tering  and  talking  all  round  the  compass  as  usual, 
refused  her  consent,  under  pretence  that  the  poor 
tenants  were  already  pressed  down  with  such  high 
rents  that  they  could  hardly  keep  soul  and  body  to 
gether  in  their  skins.  Then  she  pretended  to  be  so 
affected  that  she  took  out  her  handkerchief,  and  wiped 
her  eyes  till  they  looked  as  red  as  if  she  had  been 
crying.  All  this  she  did  to  impose  upon  the  tenants, 
for  she  was  afraid  they  would  exercise  their  privilege 
of  divorcing  her  from  Jonathan  and  choosing  him 
another  wife,  if  she  consented  to  raise  their  rents. 

She  however  told  Jonathan,  that  if  he  could  borrow 
the  money  from  the  tenants,  she  would  join  in  secu 
rity  with  him,  and  take  care  that  the  interest  should 
be  paid.  Jonathan  liked  this  method  of  getting  the 
money  well  enough ;  for  he  knew  that  it  came  nearly 
to  the  same  thing  as  raising  the  rents,  and  that  either 
way  it  must  come  out  of  the  tenants'  pockets  at  last. 


CHAPTER  XXI. 

How  Jonathan's  rich' tenants  showed  him  the  whites  of  their  eyes  when  he 
sent  to  borrow  money,  because  he  did  not  offer  interest  enough. 

WHEN  Jonathan  sent  round  to  his  rich  tenants  to 
see  if  he  could  borrow  a  few  thousands,  offering  to 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  81 

pledge  his  farms  for  the  payment,  it  was  curious  to 
hear  the  excuses  they  made.  One  had  just  before 
used  all  his  ready  money  in  the  purchase  of  stock  for 
his  farm,  and  another  had  just  lent  it  out  on  mort 
gage.  A  third  had  the  day  before  parted  with  all  the 
cash  he  could  scrape  together,  to  help  a  friend  in 
great  distress  :  but  the  truth  was,  he  had  put  it  in  the 
hands  of  a  shaver,  as  they  call  such  chaps,  down  at 
one  of  the  great  landings,  who  had  placed  it  out  at 
two  per  cent,  a  month.  All,  however,  lamented  that 
Jonathan  had  not  sent  a  little  sooner,  as  they  would 
rather  trust  him  than  any  other  man  in  the  world. 

But  the  most  curious  thing  of  all  was  the  ungrate 
ful  conduct  of  the  boatmen,  for  whose  sake  in  a  great 
measure  Jonathan  was  about  to  quarrel  with  his  old 
father.  They,  forsooth,  had  for  a  long  while  back  dis 
liked  Jonathan's  manners ;  they  saw  he  was  no  friend 
of  theirs,  but  always  was  doing  them  an  ill  turn 
whenever  it  lay  in  his  power ;  they  knew  well  enough 
this  quarrel  was  all  Beau  Napperty's  doing,  and  as 
for  John  Bull,  though  he  did  to  be  sure  meddle  with 
their  boats,  and  tweak  their  noses  as  often  as  he 
caught  them  squinting  towards  Frogmore,  yet  for  all 
that  he  was  an  honest  fellow;  and  therefore  they 
could  not  think  of  lending  money  to  enable  Jonathan 
to  trouble  him  now  in  his  old  age.  People,  however, 
saw  through  these  pretences,  and  were  well  enough 
convinced,  that  although  a  great  many  of  them  did 
really  hate  Jonathan  and  love  John,  yet  that  this  was 
not  the  real  cause  of  their  refusing  to  lend  their 
money.  The  truth  was,  Jonathan  offered  too  low  an 
interest :  if  he  had  given  them  two  or  three  per  cent, 
more,  he  might  have  got  all  they  had  in  the  world. 

6 


82  JOHN   BULL  AND 

After  all  these  excuses,  Jonathan  somehow  or  other 
got  money  enough  to  put  himself  in  some  sort  of 
decent  trim,  and  being  now  thoroughly  angry  at  Bull, 
who  continued  to  wrong  and  insult  him  wherever  he 
went,  he  determined  immediately  to  send  him  a  chal 
lenge,  provided  his  wife  would  consent. 

In  order  to  bring  the  good  lady  round,  knowing  all 
women  are  naturally  fond  of  a  soldier,  he  forthwith 
brushed  up  an  old  suit  of  regimentals  which  had  lain 
at  the  bottom  of  a  trunk  for  several  years,  and  pur 
chased  an  amazing  long,  rusty  sword,  with  a .  hilt  as 
large  as  a  bushel-basket;  item,  a  worm-eaten  car 
tridge-box,  which  had  been  carried  in  time  immemo 
rial  by  a  Hessian  corporal,  and  used  for  the  stowage 
of  his  pipe,  his  tobacco-pouch,  and  his  Sunday  whis 
kers.  Finally,  he  bought  one  of  those  cocked-hats 
usually  called  seventy-sixers,  from  having  been  in 
fashion  about  the  time  of  the  Declaration  of  Inde 
pendence.  It  was  shaped  somewhat  like  the  iron 
part  of  a  pickaxe,  and  from  some  appearances  which 
it  exhibited  in  the  inside,  where  the  lining  was  a  little 
torn,  you  could  tell,  with  a  tolerable  degree  of  cer 
tainty,  that  in  its  primitive  institution  it  had  been 
black. 

Then  did  he  clap  on  with  a  little  paste  a  huge  pair 
of  black  whiskers  that  nearly  covered  his  whole  muzzle, 
and,  drawing  on  his  military  boots  that  sat  as  tight  as 
his  skin  because  he  had  outgrown  them  as  he  did 
every  thing  else,  strutted  towards  the  apartment 
where  his  lady  usually  spent  her  mornings.  Almost 
the  first  step  he  made,  he  tumbled  on  his  nose,  by 
reason  of  his  great  sword  getting  betwixt  his  legs, 
as  is  usual  with  raw  recruits.  Upon  this,  he  thought 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  83 

it  best  to  lay  aside  his  sword  for  the  present ;  so  he 
hung  it  up  carefully,  and  proceeded  without  it  toward 
his  wife's  scolding-room,  as  it  was  called,  from  its 
being  the  place  she  usually  retired  to  in  order  to  vent 
her  eloquence. 

When  she  saw  Jonathan  thus  equipped,  she  began 
to  laugh  as  if  she  had  the  hysterics,  and  wondered 
what  had  got  into  the  man.  Jonathan  was  a  little 
nettled  at  this,  for  he  expected  to  be  hugely  admired 
for  his  warlike  appearance.  He  forthwith,  without 
any  roundabout,  asked  her  once  for  all  whether  she 
would  consent  to  his  sending  Bull  a  challenge  ? 

Madam  answered  as  follows  : 

"  You  challenge  Squire  Bull,  you  miserable  milk- 
and-water,  lath-and-plaster  manikin !  You,  that  have 
never  handled  a  pistol  in  your  whole  life,  and  whose 
sword  is  so  rusty  that  you  can't  draw  it  out  of  the 
scabbard  for  the  soul  of  you!  Only  look  at  the 
fellow,"  continued  she,  turning  him  round  and  round, 
in  a  jeering  way  —  "  only  look  at  him !  Look  at  that 
gallant  cocked-hat,  with  a  little  feather  in  it  that  looks 
for  all  the  world  like  a  paint-brush  —  and  those  whis 
kers  !  Heaven  preserve  us !  why  thou  lookest  like  a 
very  fiend  in  the  flesh." 

Then,  changing  her  tone,  she  began  to  rate  him 
after  this  fashion :  — 

"  Tell  me,  thou  heart  of  cork,  soul  of  a  half-starved 
tailor,  and  brain  of  potcheese,  what  will  you  do  when 
Bull  sends  his  boats  over  to  plunder  your  farms,  burn 
your  barns  and  houses,  and  drive  your  boats  high  and 
dry  ashore  ?  I  warrant  you'll  cut  a  great  dash  with 
that  clumsy  figure  of  yours,  that  huge  mass  of  meat 
without  any  bone  or  sinew.  Get  about  thy  business, 


84  JOHN  BULL  AND 

I  say,  Jonathan  —  put  on  your  every-day  suit  of  home 
spun,  and  don't  let  me  hear  any  thing  more  about 
your  challenging  Squire  Bull." 

Any  man  but  Jonathan  would  have  gone  near  to 
turn  her  out  of  the  house  for  this ;  but  Jonathan  had 
a  better  way  of  managing  matters,  and  knew,  by  long 
experience,  how  to  deal  with  his  precious  rib.  He 
knew  there  were  certain  arguments  which,  when  prop 
erly  urged,  no  wife  can  resist.  So  he  went  and 
cautiously  locked  the  doors*  and  closed  the  shutters  in 
the  most  careful  manner.  What  method  he  pursued 
afterward  I,  being  a  bachelor  and  ignorant  of  these 
matters,  cannot  tell.  All  I  know  is,  that  the  effect 
was  truly  wonderful.  The  tender  pair  came  forth 
perfectly  reconciled ;  the  lady,  hanging  on  Jonathan's 
arm  in  the  most  loving  manner,  and  chucking  him 
under  the  chin,  declared  he  was  a  right  valiant 
swordsman,  and  might  fight  with  Bull  when  he 
pleased. 


CHAPTER  XXII. 

How  Jonathan  sent  John  Bull  a  great  challenge ;  and  how  some  of  Jona 
than's  overseers  put  up  their  sneakers,  and  wouldn't  toe  the  mark. 

JONATHAN,  having  at  last  persuaded  his  wife  to  let 
him  have  a  bout  with  John  Bull,  gathered  himself 
together,  and  wrote  the  squire  a  mortal  defiance ;  in 
which,  though  he  did  not  call  him  a  rascal  outright, 

*  The  declaration  of  war  by  Congress  was  passed  with  closed  doors. 
1835. 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  85 

he  pretty  plainly  let  him  see  he  thought  him  one. 
He  told  how  Bull  had  for  a  long  time  been  trespass 
ing  on  his  property ;  how  he  had  often  thrown  stones 
at  his  boats,  and  kidnapped  his  boatmen  ;  how  he  had 
taken  away  his  boats  over  to  Bullock  manor,  where 
he  sold  them  as  his  own  property,  and  put  the  money 
in  his  pockets,  which  was  being  no  better  than  a 
pirate ;  how  he,  Jonathan,  had  tried  first  to  reason 
with  him,  and  finding  that  would  not  do,  had  gone  to 
law  for  damages  —  but  he  might  as  well  have  gone 
to  the  d — 1  for  justice,  seeing  that  scurvy  fellow,  Jus 
tice  Scout,  would  do  any  thing  John  told  him,  and 
say  black  was  white  any  time.  He  broke  off  by  say 
ing,  that  since  all  Christian  means  had  failed  him,  and 
things  had  now  come  to  such  a  pass  that  he  must 
either  give  up  his  right  to  the  use  of  the  mill-pond  or 
defend  it  with  might  and  main,  he  gave  Bull  fair  notice 
that  he  and  his  tenants  meant,  thenceforward,  to  try 
what  the  great  statute  of  club-law  would  do  for  them. 
Let  Squire  Bull  then  come  out  like  a  man,  and  fight 
him  in  fair  battle  if  he  dared.  Then  giving  notice  to 
his  tenants,  and  especially  his  boatmen  and  rowers, 
to  keep  a  sharp  look-out,  and  not  let  John's  tenants 
insult  them  any  more  without  having  a  bout  with 
them,  he  forthwith  equipped  him  for  his  encounter 
with  Bull,  who  he  expected  would  be  at  him  in  a 
hurry. 

I  ought  to  have  told  you,  but  it  slipped  my  mem 
ory,  that  Bull  and  Brother  Jonathan  being  both  inde 
pendent  freeholders,  and  among  the  quality  of  the 
neighbourhood,  did  hold  themselves  pretty  high  fellows 
abroad,  though  at  home  they  were  both  most  villan- 
ously  hen-pecked.  They  therefore  took  greut  state 


86  JOHN  BULL  AND 

upon  themselves ;  and  whenever  they  went  out  to 
fight,  used  to  have  their  overseers  and  a  great  many 
of  their  tenants  to  keep  them  in  countenance  and  see 
fair  play;  or,  in  plain  English,  though  they  had  no 
quarrel,  to  break  each  other's  heads  in  imitation  of 
their  betters. 

Jonathan,  expecting  that  Bull  as  soon  as  he  got  his 
letter  would  be  down  upon  him  like  a  house  afire, 
forthwith  put  on  his  red  breeches,  buckled  on  his 
great  rusty  sword  which  was  more  like  a  scythe  than 
any  thing  else,  stuck  a  pair  of  mighty  horse-pistols 
into  his  waistband,  and  took  the  field  with  a  bloody 
intention  of  either  sending  the  squire  to  kingdom- 
come,  or  of  drubbing  him  into  a  glimpse  of  his 
senses  at  least.  Those  who  remember  Jonathan  in 
his  fighting  trim,  say  that  such  another  queer  boy 
was  not  to  be  seen  every  day.  He  swaggered  along 
with  his  toes  in  instead  of  out  —  was  forced  to  chalk 
his  feet  to  tell  right  from  left  —  put  his  pickaxe  hat  on 
hind-part  before,  and  tumbled  plump  on  his  nose  ten 
times  a  day,  by  reason  of  his  great  toasting-iron  get 
ting  between  his  legs  in  spite  of  his  teeth.  Yet,  for 
all  this,  when  he  drew  his  sword,  which  he  did  with  a 
good  deal  of  tugging  because  it  was  so  rusty,  and 
began  to  flourish  it  over  his  head,  there  was  some 
thing  in  his  manner  and  a  fire  in  his  eye,  that  made 
everybody  that  saw  him  say  he  would  be  a  tough 
morsel  for  old  Squire  Bull. 

Jonathan,  that  he  might  appear  in  the  field  as  be 
came  one  of  his  estate,  sent  round  to  his  overseers  in 
the  different  farms,  to  put  on  their  training-suits  and 
come  to  him.  A  great  many  of  these  sordid  fellows, 
who  had  before  pretended  a  great  friendship  for  him, 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  87 

instead  of  setting  forth  at  once,  went  to  work  very 
busily  rummaging  old  parchments,  to  see  whether  by 
the  tenure  of  their  farms  they  were  obliged  to  attend 
on  Jonathan.  Others  were  so  frightened  at  the  very 
thought  of  looking  the  sturdy  John  Bull,  who  was  a 
sort  of  scarecrow,  in  the  face,  that  they  shook  like 
quicksilver,  and  began  to  say  their  prayers  as  loud  as 
they  could  halloo.  Others  had  the  impudence  to  send 
him  word,  that  though  in  truth  they  must  say  he  had 
reason  enough  to  fight  Bull,  yet  being  such  a  young 
lad,  as  it  were,  they  thought  he  was  a  great  fool ;  and 
as  when  one  man  is  not  a  full  match  for  another,  the 
weaker  he  is  the  better  for  his  bones,  they  would 
leave  him  to  himself,  in  hopes  he  would  come  to  his 
senses  the  sooner.  They  also  told  him  they  were  the 
best  friends  he  had  in  the  world,  and  would  prove  it 
whenever  he  did  just  as  they  pleased  and  did  not 
want  their  assistance.*  Others,  who  were  fellows 
after  my  own  heart,  turned  out  at  once  with  a  full 
intention  to  stand  or  fall  with  honest  Jonathan,  right 
or  wrong.  They  were  not  such,  shilly-shally  rogues 
as  to  stop  to  inquire  who  had  the  best  of  the  dispute, 
but,  like  honest  blades,  decided  at  once  to  fight  first, 
and  inquire  into  the  right  and  the  wrong  of  the  matter 
when  they  were  at  leisure. 

*  The  course  taken  by  the  governors  of  the  New  England  States,  and 
the  complexion  of  their  public  documents,  during  the  war  of  1812,  were 
standing  subjects  of  attack  and  ridicule  on  the  part  of  the  patriotic  wits 
of  the  day. 


88  JOHN   BULL   AND 


CHAPTER  XXIII. 

Of  the  behaviour  of  the  tenants  when  they  heard  what  Jonathan  had  done ; 
and  how  the  boatmen  grumbled  at  him  for  doing  what  they  had  wanted 
him  to  do  a  long  time  before,  as  they  put  forth. 

WHEN  the  tenants  got  news  of  Jonathan's  having 
defied  Squire  Bull,  though  they  had  for  a  long  time 
been  calling  him  a  sneak  for  putting  up  with  John's 
insults,  yet  did  they  now  fall  into  notable  disputes, 
and  many  of  them  sing  to  another  tune.  They 
stopped  from  their  labour  to  argue  in  the  fields,  and 
left  their  farms  at  sixes  and  sevens  to  go  to  the  taverns 
and  beer-houses,  and  get  at  the  why  and  wherefore  of 
the  matter.  It  was  a  rare  sight  to  see  these  fellows 
with  a  sling  or  a  glass  of  grog  before  them,  one  look 
ing  wiser  than  the  other,  and  giving  it  as  his  opinion 
that  Jonathan  ought  to  have  quarrelled  with  Beau 
Napperty  as  well  as  Squire  Bull,  because  that  would 
have  shown,  as  clear  as  preaching,  that  he  had  no  im 
proper  liking  to  the  Beau.  Another  would  make  bold 
to  say,  he  ought  to  have  had  a  tiff  with  Beau  Nap 
perty,  and  let  Squire  Bull  alone ;  because  as  how  the 
squire  was,  as  a  body  might  say,  as  innocent  as  sweet 
milk.  A  third  was  morally  certain  that  Jonathan 
ought  to  have  stood  with  his  hands  in  his  pockets 
like  a  wise  man,*  and  not  minded  what  such  low 
fellows  said  or  did  to  him. 

There  was  no  end  to  the  talk  about  this  affair,  and 
everywhere  at  the  taverns,  blacksmiths'  shops,  and  on 
Sundays  at  the  church-doors,  you  might  see  fellows 
who  would  point  out  two  ways,  directly  opposite  to 
each  other,  either  of  which  Jonathan  might  have  trav- 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  89 

elled  with  perfect  safety.  Nay,  such  was  the  singular 
improvement  which  suddenly  came  upon  people's 
minds,  that  miserable  varlets  might  be  seen,  who, 
though  they  did  not  know  that  potatoes  ought  to  be 
planted  in  the  waxing  of  the  moon,  nor  when  it  was 
harvest-time  except  by  the  almanac,  did  all  at  once 
grow  so  knowing,  that  they  got  to  know  Jonathan's 
affairs  better  than  he  did  himself. 

But  the  boatmen  beat  all  the  other  tenants  hollow 
in  their  talk  about  Jonathan.  As  they  sat  sunning 
themselves  along  the  shores  of  the  mill-pond,  and 
beheld  their  boats  lying  useless  on  the  beach,  with 
their  seams  wide  open  so  that  you  could  put  your 
fingers  in  them,  they  used  to  get  so  angry  that  they 
hardly  knew  what  to  do  with  themselves,  or  whom  to 
lay  the  blame  upon.  At  length,  with  one  voice,  they 
cried  out  that  it  was  all  Jonathan's  fault ;  and  some 
of  the  most  enlightened  boatmen,  who  could  take 
lunar  observations,  and  tell  which  way  the  wind  blew 
by  only  looking  at  the  compass,  proved  it  after  this 
manner :  — 

In  the  first  place,  Jonathan  had  no  business  to  get 
so  great  with  Beau  Napperty ;  for  that  he  was  very 
great  with  him  was  so  plain,  that  nobody  ever  thought 
of  giving  a  single  good  reason  for  believing  it.  A 
man,  to  be  sure,  has  a  right  to  choose  his  friends; 
that  is,  all  men  except  your  landlords,  who  have  no 
business  to  like  anybody  that  Squire  Bull  dislikes. 
Then  Jonathan  was  to  blame  —  because,  in  the  first 
place,  he  did  not  resent  Bull's  insults,  and  take  better 
care  of  their  boats;  and  he  was  still  more  to  blame 
for  refusing  to  be  on  good  terms  with  Bull,  who  was 
one  of  the  best  boatmen  in  the  world.  Lastly,  it  was 


90  JOHN  BULL  AND 

all  Jonathan's  fault  —  because,  in  the  first  place,  he 
did  not  challenge  Bull  long  before ;  and,  in  the  second 
place,  he  challenged  him  at  last. 

This  strange  talk  they  got  from  some  knowing 
school-masters,  who  had  learned  their  logic  out  of 
Dilworth's  spelling-book ;  or,  mayhap,  out  of  Noah 
Webster's,  which  we  all  have  heard  of.  These  fellows 
neglected  their  schools,  left  the  doors  wide  open,  and 
went  about  among  the  tenants,  trying  to  convince 
them  that  all  their  troubles  and  difficulties  arose  from 
Jonathan's  great  liking  for  Beau  Napperty,  and  his 
unnatural  dislike  to  being  tweaked  by  the  nose,  even 
by  his  own  father.  The  tenants  of  these  parts,  as  I 
said  before,  are  a  'cute  set,  who  know  how  to  read 
and  write,  raise  onions,  and  swap  horses.  They  there 
fore  believed  all  this  to  be  gospel,  especially  when 
the  parson  of  the  parish  of  Oniono  set  to  work  and 
preached  a  long  sermon,  in  which,  instead  of  telling 
them  of  the  excellence  of  the  Christian  religion,  the 
>  beauty  of  holiness,  and  the  necessity  of  doing  good, 
\  he  blazed  forth,  and  told  them  that  Jonathan  and  all 
his  friends  were  such  a  herd  of  wicked  rogues,  that  so 
far  from  having  any  chance  of  getting  to  heaven,  they 
were  not  fit  to  live  upon  earth ;  advising  them,  at  the 
same  time,  to  keep  the  ten  commandments,  and  hate 
neighbour  Jonathan  like  good  Christians.*  This  ser 
mon  had  great  effect  on  the  tenants ;  though  there 
were  not  a  few  people  that  liked  Jonathan  as  little  as 
the  parson  did,  who  thought  that  a  man  whose  oath 
of  consecration  obliged  him  to  be  the  advocate  of 

*  The  general  allusion  is  to  the  acrid  political  sermons  of  the  preachers 
of  New  England  —  the  particular  one  perhaps  a  play  upon  the  name  of  the 
Rev.  Elijah  Parish,  D.D.,  of  Byfield  in  Massachusetts,  -who  was  extremely 
bitter  in  his  discourses. 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  91 

charity  and  brotherly  love,  did  little  credit  to  his  sa 
cred  function  when  he  made  use  of  that  influence 
which  his  station  gave  him,  for  the  purpose  of  sowing 
ill-will  and  dissensions  among  his  flock. 

But  the  tenants  who,  as  was  generally  the  case, 
made  the  most  rout  when  they  heard  of  Brother  Jona 
than's  having  challenged  John  Bull,  were  those  of  a 
little  island  *  the  name  of  which  I  don't  choose  to  re 
member;  a  trifling  barren  place,  that  Jonathan  had 
bought  of  an  old  Indian  for  fifty  fathom  of  white 
beads.  One  would  have  thought,  to  hear  them  talk, 
that  they  were  to  fight  Jonathan's  battle,  and  pay  the 
piper,  all  alone  by  themselves.  They  threatened  to 
take  the  farm  away  from  Jonathan,  though  in  fact  it 
was  such  a  mean  spot  of  ground,  and  paid  so  little 
rent,  that  he  would  hardly  have  missed  it. 

I  have  for  the  most  part  found,  that  the  more  di 
minutive  the  man,  the  more  fractious  and  irritable  he 
will  be.  A  dwarf  of  four  feet  high  will  fly  into  a  fury 
at  what  a  well-grown  person,  conscious  of  the  dignity 
and  strength  of  manhood,  would  pass  by  without  no 
tice.  Moreover,  to  reduce  the  comparison  to  some 
sort  of  level  with  the  subject,  you  will  always  find  that 
a  little  shaggy  lap-dog,  a  pug,  or  a  half-blind  puppy, 
will  grin  and  yelp,  and  tear  about  this  way  and  that, 
in  a  great  passion,  if  you  point  your  finger  at  him; 
whereas  an  honest  mastiff  will  be  pleased  at  this 
mark  of  your  attention.  This  irritability  in  small 
animals  arises,  I  think,  from  their  being  weak,  and 
knowing  that  they  are  so;  they  make  a  great  show 
and  noise  to  disguise  their  fears  and  their  weakness, 

*  Rhode  Island  was  factious  during  the  war,  and  one  of  the  three  states 
that  sent  delegates  to  the  Hartford  Convention,  in  December,  1814. 


92  JOHN  BULL   AND 

and  it  is  doubtless  owing  to  this  cause  that  the  little 
farm  of  the  nameless  island  was  so  fractious  and 
noisy. 

The  people  in  the  great  farms  of  the  Middlelands 
mostly  agreed  to  stand  by  Jonathan.  Some  of  them, 
indeed,  shrugged  up  their  shoulders  and  looked  wise ; 
but  they  thought  it  would  be  a  mean  trick  to  leave 
their  landlord  in  the  lurch.  I  must  do  the  tenants  of 
Middlelands  the  justice  to  say,  that  they  were  among 
the  best  tenants  Jonathan  had,  being  a  set  of  honest, 
sober,  hard-working  fellows,  who  were  well-to-do  in 
the  world,  and  did  not  fly  into  a  passion,  as  your  poor 
knaves  do,  when  Jonathan  happened  to  pass  them 
without  pulling  off  his  hat  and  asking  after  the  health 
of  their  brats,  and  how  times  went  with  them. 

A  good  many  of  these  tenants  of  Middlelands 
thought  Jonathan  had  been  a  little  too  hasty ;  but 
what  of  that?  Under  his  mild  protection  they  had 
been  a  hundred  times  better  off  than  Bull's  or  Beau 
Napperty's  people,  and  they  held  it  a  slippery  trick  to 
desert  him,  now  he  was  going  to  loggerheads  with 
such  a  mortal  stout  fellow  as  John  Bull. 


CHAPTER  XXIV. 

How  John  Bull  was  a  little  stumped  when  he  saw  Jonathan's  challenge,  and 
how  the  old  fellow  got  the  blue  devils  outright  when  his  boats  were  beat 
by  Jonathan's. 

WHEN  Squire  Bull  got  Brother  Jonathan's  chal 
lenge,  he  was  more  astonished  than  he  had  been  in  a 
great  while.  He  was  so  used  to  put  upon  Jonathan, 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  93 

that  he  had  come  at  last  to  think  he  might  insult  him 
whenever  he  pleased.  His  hangers-on,  too,  had  all 
along  told  him  he  might  do  just  as  he  liked,  for  Jona 
than  was  so  horribly  afraid  of  him  he  would  never 
bring  himself  to  resent  it,  because  he  was  the  greatest 
skulker  in  all  the  neighbourhood.  John  sent  word  to 
his  wife,  who  had  gone  to  the  CHAPEL*  not  to  pray 
but  to  talk,  letting  her  know  what  had  turned  up. 
Mrs.  Bull,  who  had  a  mighty  dislike  to  poor  Jonathan, 
was  exceedingly  tickled  at  the  news,  and  forthwith 
drew  hard  upon  the  tenants  for  money  to  furnish  sails 
and  oars  for  John's  boats.  The  tenants,  who  because 
they  had  chosen  this  wife  of  Bull's  to  take  care  of 
their  interests  at  the  manor  house  took  it  for  granted 
she  did  so,  launched  out  their  money,  though  with 
many  wry  faces,  for  Bull  had  half  a  dozen  quarrels  on 
his  hands  already,  and  they  thought  a  reasonable  man 
might  be  satisfied  with  them. 

The  squire  having  by  far  the  most  boats,  resolved, 
in  the  first  place,  before  he  went  over  to  meet  Jona 
than,  whom  he  swore  he  would  make  daylight  shine 
through,  to  scour  the  mill-pond,  and  get  a  sweep  at 
Jonathan's  boats.  Jonathan,  who  was  a  pretty  keen 
lad,  suspected  this  would  be  the  way,  and  sent  out 
some  of  his  best  boats  with  orders  that  the  hardest 
should  fend  off,  as  the  rowers  say.  The  first  thing 
Bull  heard  was,  that  several  of  his  boats,  on  trying  to 
seize  Jonathan's,  had  got  most  bitterly  bethumped. 
This  he  swore  was  all  a  lie ;  but  some  of  his  rowers, 
coming  home  with  black  eyes  and  broken  heads,  put 
the  story  out  of  doubt,  whereupon  John  fell  into  a  fit 
of  the  blue- devils,  to  which  he  was  very  subject.  At 

*  St.  Stephen's  Chapel,  where  the  English  parliaments  sit.  1835. 


94  JOHN  BULL  AND 

first  he  moped  and  moped  about  the  house,  with  his 
hands  in  his  breeches-pockets,  and  would  stop  for  a 
whole  hour  and  look  at  the  fire,  as  if  he  didn't  know 
where  he  was ;  so  that  it  was  feared  he  would  tuck 
himself  up  some  rainy  day,  that  being  a  sort  of 
family  complaint.  Well,  this  lasted  some  days,  and 
then  he  grew  as  sour  as  vinegar,  growled  like  a  bear, 
and  threatened  to  kick  all  his  overseers  into  the  mill- 
pond.  He  swore  he  would  look  into  this  matter  him 
self,  to  see  what  was  the  reason  of  it  all. 

"  If  I  can  only  find  out  the  reason,  and  all  that  sort 
of  thing,"  quoth  John,  "  I  shall  be  easy.  But  I  must 
be  pacified  with  a  good  reason,  or  dam'me  I'll  know 
the  reason  why."  The  overseers  and  hangers-on  be 
gan  to  shake  in  their  shoes  at  this,  and  saw  that  they 
would  be  turned  out  of  doors  neck  and  heels  if  they 
did  not  lay  the  maggot  in  the  squire's  head  with  a 
good  reason.  So  they  sent  an  old  carpenter  to  tell 
John,  that  Jonathan's  boats  were  at  least  six  inches 
longer,  and  three  inches  broader  than  his,  therefore 
they  might  well  get  the  better  of  them. 

Finding  this  made  a  great  impression  on  John, 
they  followed  it  up,  and  swore  that  Jonathan's  boats 
were  not  only  larger,  but  had  more  rowers,  and,  what 
was  worse,  most  of  these  rowers  were  his  own  ten 
ants,  who,  though  the  most  faithful  fellows  in  the 
world,  and  very  much  attached  to  him,  were  always 
running  away  when  they  could  get  a  chance.  It  was 
no  wonder,  then,  that  he  should  be  beat  with  his  own 
cudgel.  This  exposition  put  the  squire  to  a  nonplus, 
and  bothered  his  brain  more  than  any  thing  he  had 
ever  heard.  He  took  his  ivory-headed  cane,  to  which 
he  always  applied  in  cases  of  great  puzzle,  and,  put- 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  95 

ting  it  to  his  nose,  pondered  in  this  way.  "  If  my 
boats  are  handled  in  this  manner  by  my  own  rowers, 
and  all  that  sort  of  thing,  how  comes  it  to  pass  they 
fight  so  much  better  for  Jonathan  than  for  me  ? " 
This  was  getting  between  two  stone  walls,  out  of 
which  John  could  not  budge  for  the  soul  of  him.  So 
the  squire  placed  himself  in  his  arm-chair,  called  for  a 
pot  of  strong  beer,  and  pursued  his  subject  till  he  fell 
fast  asleep.  When  he  woke  up,  they  palavered  him 
with  a  story  of  a  great  rising  of  Beau  Napperty's  ten 
ants,  stuck  up  a  parcel  of  candles  in  his  windows,  gave 
the  boys  crackers  to  set  off  to  please  him,  and  thus 
tickled  the  old  fellow  into  the  best  humour  in  the 
world.  The  rogues  then  laughed  in  their  sleeves  as 
usual,  and  one  of  them  told  the  others  in  a  whisper, 
"  Only  throw  Johnny  a  tub,  and,  like  a  whale,  he'll 
play  with  it  till  the  boat  is  out  of  sight." 


CHAPTER  XXV. 

How  Squire  Bull,  finding  Jonathan  rather  a  hard  character  to  deal  with, 
offered  to  make  up  with  him,  and  let  matters  remain  just  as  they  were. 

I  HAVE  generally  observed  that  people  get  nothing 
by  fighting,  but  black  eyes,  bloody  noses,  and  the 
reputation  of  having  more  pluck  than  brains.  So  it 
happened  with  Squire  Bull,  who,  after  putting  him 
self  to  great  expense  to  have  a  bout  with  Jonathan, 
and  keep  up  the  reputation  of  being  the  best  boat 
man  on  the  great  mill-pond,  got  nothing  for  his  pains, 
and  ended  about  where  he  began,  only  that  his 


96  JOHN  BULL  AND 

pockets  were  more  empty,  and  he  carried  a  few  addi 
tional  scars  on  his  pate.  Jonathan,  on  the  contrary, 
if  he  gained  nothing  else,  got  the  respect  of  the  neigh 
bours,  who  used  to  call  him  a  snivelling  poltroon; 
and  even  Squire  Bull,  who,  being  a  brave  old  codger 
himself,  could  not  help  admiring  courage  in  others, 
although  he  contrived  to  prate  against  him  in  other 
matters,  could  not  help  now  and  then  grumbling  out, 
"  Plague  take  the  rebellious  dog ;  he  has  got  some  of 
my  stuff  in  him,  and  I  have  a  great  mind  to  own  him 
for  my  son  again."  Many  people  said  the  old  squire 
would  have  made  friends  with  him  in  good  earnest,  if 
Jonathan,  (who,  like  his  father,  was  somewhat  given 
to  bragging),  had  not  every  now  and  then  thrown  it 
into  his  teeth  that  he  had  given  him  some  good  sound 
drubbings.  This  made  John  as  mad  as  a  hornet,  for 
he  was  as  proud  as  Lucifer,  and  always  called  him 
self  lord  of  the  mill-pond. 

Nevertheless,  the  squire  would  sometimes  take  it 
into  his  head  to  say  a  good  word  or  two  about  Jona 
than,  especially  when  it  was  his  cue  to  tickle  him  a 
little;  and  Master  Canynge,  who  had  quizzed  him 
about  his  fir-built  boats  and  striped-bunting  flags,  on 
one  occasion  actually  drank  a  toast,  in  which  he 
called  Mrs.  Bull  and  Mrs.  Jonathan  the  "  Mother  and 
daughter."  Brother  Jonathan  was  mightily  taken 
with  this,  and  thought,  now  that  Bull  was  in  such  a 
good  humour  he  would  get  him  to  sign  a  paper  giv 
ing  up  the  claim  to  the  mill-pond,  and  to  the  right  of 
taking  away  his  boatmen.  When  Bull  received  this 
application,  he  tipped  Master  Canynge  the  wink,  as 
much  as  to  say  —  "  What  a  greenhorn  is  my  son  Jona 
than,  not  to  know  the  difference  between  a  civil  speech 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  97 

and  a  civil  action ! "  He  ordered  Master  Canynge 
to  write  a  long  letter  to  Jonathan,  saying  that  though 
he  had  the  highest  respect  for  him  he  would  see  him 
hanged  before  he  would  give  him  any  proof  of  it. 
Jonathan  replied  in  a  letter  twice  as  long;  and  so 
they  continued  writing  mighty  civil  notes,  all  begin 
ning  with  denying  each  other's  claims,  and  ending, 
like  a  challenge,  with  "  your  most  obedient  servant." 
It  was  enough  to  make  you  die  of  laughing  to  see 
how  they  tried  to  get  to  windward  of  each  other. 
But  it  was  diamond  cut  diamond ;  the  squire  was  as 
sharp  as  one  of  his  own  razors,  and  as  for  Jonathan, 
he  never  made  a  bad  bargain  in  his  life,  not  even 
when  he  married. 

Thus  they  continued  to  keep  up  the  show,  without 
much  of  the  substance,  of  friendship ;  for  the  truth  is, 
that  Jonathan  was  so  like  his  daddy  that  the  old 
squire  could  never  forgive  him. 


CHAPTER  XXVI. 

How  Squire  Bull,  with  all  his  pretensions  to  good  fellowship,  has  a  fling  at 
Brother  Jonathan  now  and  then. 

HAVING  no  partialities  for,  or  prejudices  against, 
either  Bull  or  Brother  Jonathan,  I  have,  through  the 
whole  course  of  this  history,  endeavoured  to  do  jus 
tice  to  both  father  and  son,  without  excusing  the 
faults  or  puffing  up  the  merits  of  either.  But  I  must 
say  that  Jonathan  had  all  along  too  good  cause  of 
complaint  against  the  old  man,  and  that  after  their 

7 


98  JOHN  BULL   AND 

last  set-to,  the  squire  did  not  altogether  behave  him 
self  like  a  good  neighbour.  The  truth  is,  he  was,  like 
most  gouty  old  fellows  who  have  held  up  their  heads 
a  long  while  and  taken  great  airs  on  themselves,  not  a 
little  jealous  when  he  saw  Jonathan  treading  close  on 
his  heels,  and  outdoing  him  in  many  things  he  most 
valued  himself  upon.  In  particular,  Jonathan's  skill 
in  building  and  sailing  boats  was  a  great  eyesore  to 
Bull,  for  that  was  his  weak  side,  and  if  you  only 
pointed  your  finger  at  it  the  old  man  felt  it  right  in 
the  short  ribs. 

The  squire  was  somewhat  tired  and  disgusted,  as 
he  said,  with  open  and  above-board  fighting  of  Jona 
than,  who,  he  swore,  did  not  understand  the  art  of 
boxing  like  a  gentleman ;  and,  instead  of  standing  off 
and  milling  in  a  scientific  style,  would  run  in  upon 
him,  and  trip  up  his  heels  contrary  to  all  rules.  Now 
when  a  man  cherishes  a  certain  degree  of  ill-will  for 
another,  and  does  not  choose  to  fight  it  out,  it  will 
generally  be  found  that  he  makes  himself  amends  by 
talking  against  him  on  all  occasions,  raising  evil 
reports,  and  making  him  out  no  better  than  he  should 
be. 

So  it  was  with  the  squire,  who  —  when  certain  evil- 
disposed  people,  who  knew  John's  weak  side,  would 
come  over  and  smoke  a  pipe  and  drink  beer  with  him, 
and  tell  the  old  man  how  Jonathan's  farms  were 
growing  every  day  bigger  and  bigger  and  increasing 
in  number  so  that  they  amounted  to  almost  double  of 
what  they  once  were ;  and  how  he  carried  on  a  great 
trade  with  the  neighbours ;  and  how  his  tenants  were 
the  happiest  and  most  prosperous  fellows  in  the  world 
—  who,  I  say,  when  he  had  taken  these  and  other 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  99 

doses  of  wormwood  and  tansy,  would  puff  out  huge 
volumes  of  smoke,  fidget  about  in  his  big  chair,  and 
cry  out  in  a  great  passion,  "  S'blood  and  fury,  neigh 
bours,  what  do  I  care  for  all  this  ?  Did  I  not  beget 
him  ?  Did  he  not  learn  all  he  knows,  and  more  be 
sides,  from  me ;  and  is  he  not  a  slack-breeched,  saucy, 
guessing,  bragging,  lying,  cheating  rascal,  though  he 
is  my  son,  and  they  say  looks  as  much  like  me  as  two 
peas?" 

When  Jonathan,  as  he  was  pretty  sure  to  do,  heard 
all  this,  he  would  get  into  a  pretty  considerable  of  a 
passion  himself,  and  scold  back  again  as  hard  as  he 
could  pelt.  This  was  carried  to  the  squire's  ears  in 
good  time,  and  set  his  tongue  going  faster  than  ever, 
to  the  tune  of  the  bitterest  swearing  you  ever  heard. 
It  was  an  unseemly  thing  to  hear  father  and  son  abus 
ing  and  calling  one  another  names  in  this  way ;  but  I 
must  say  it  was  in  a  great  measure  the  squire's  fault. 
He  began  first,  and  continued  longest ;  so  that  if  ever 
a  son  had  reason  to  complain  of  his  father,  it  was 
poor  Jonathan,  who,  while  he  was  doing  all  he  could 
to  establish  a  good  name  in  the  neighbourhood,  found 
that  John's  backbitings  and  ill-natured  remarks  were 
continually  setting  people  against  him,  and  getting 
him  into  hot  water.  I  have  heard  say  the  poison  of 
calumny  cannot  be  cured,  even  by  the  balsam  of  good 
actions,  and  Jonathan  found  it  so  to  his  cost. 


100  JOHN   BULL  AND 


CHAPTER  XXVII. 

How  Squire  Bull's  tenants  began  to  give  up  their  leases,  and  go  over  to 
settle  on  Jonathan's  farms. 

THOUGH  the  tenants  of  Squire  Bull  were  a  set  of 
hard-working,  industrious  fellows,  yet  Bull,  who  had 
the  reputation  of  screwing  them  rather  tight,  from 
time  to  time  raised  their  rents,  and  under  pretence  of 
building  churches,  paying  the  parson,  asserting  the 
rights  of  the  manor,  and  keeping  up  his  own  dignity, 
kept  them  as  poor  as  Job's  turkey,  that  I  have  heard 
could  not  eat  for  bones.  People  in  general,  though 
ever  so  reasonable  and  judicious,  don't  like  to  part 
with  their  lawful  earnings,  and  it  is  no  easy  matter 
to  reconcile  them  to  having  their  pockets  picked  by 
bailiffs  and  tax-gatherers,  even  though  it  may  be 
according  to  law. 

This  was  the  case  with  John's  tenants,  who  cast 
many  a  sheep's-eye  over  the  great  mill-pond  toward 
Jonathan's  farms,  of  which  they  heard  such  things 
as  fairly  made  their  mouths  water.  They  longed  to 
go  over  there ;  and,  whenever  they  could  get  a  good 
chance,  packed  up  bag  and  baggage,  wife  and  children, 
and  took  French  leave  of  their  crusty  old  landlord, 
without  asking  his  permission,  or  bidding  him  so  much 
as  good-by.  By  this  means  some  of  his  best  farms 
lost  their  best  tenants;  and  instead  of  having  a  set 
of  jolly  fellows  as  he  once  had,  who  could  afford  a 
little  fun  to  themselves  sometimes,  he  found  himself 
troubled  with  whole  swarms  of  them,  who,  instead  of 
paying  their  rents,  were  obliged  to  come  upon  the 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  101 

parish,  or  labour  in  his  workshops,  which  everybody 
said  was  worse  than  being  a  negro. 

Though  this  was  the  natural  consequence  of  land's 
being  so  cheap  and  rents'  being  so  low  in  Jonathan's 
farms,  and  of  a  certain  free  and  easy  disposition  on 
the  part  of  that  honest  fellow,  yet  did  Squire  Bull 
somehow  or  other  get  it  into  his  wise  pate,  that  as 
Jonathan  had  seduced  his  boatmen  away  in  the  last 
squabble  they  had,  he  was  now  seducing  his  tenants 
in  the  same  unneighbourly  manner.  He  did  not,  or 
would  not,  see,  what  was  as  plain  as  the  nose  on  his 
face,  that  this  seduction  arose  from  nothing  but  those 
good  things  which  men  run  after  whenever  they  can 
get  a  chance.  Be  this  as  it  may,  he  called  Jonathan 
such  a  grist  of  hard  names  as  would  make  your  hair 
stand  on  end  to  hear. 

Then  he  went  among  his  tenants,  and,  after  telling 
them  that  they  were  the  happiest  tenants  and  he  the 
very  best  landlord  in  the  whole  neighbourhood,  began 
to  cut  at  Brother  Jonathan  at  a  fine  rate. 

"  My  honest  lads,"  quoth  he,  putting  on  a  mighty 
big  look,  "  did  not  your  fathers,  your  grandfathers, 
your  great-grandfathers,  and  your  great-great-grand 
fathers,  live  and  flourish  under  me  and  my  fathers 
from  time  immemorial,  and  eat  roast-beef  and  plum- 
pudding  "  —  here  the  mouths  of  the  poor  fellows  be 
gan  to  weep  actual  tears  —  "I  say  roast-beef  and 
plum-pudding,  boys,  besides  stout  ale  and  porter  ?  " 

"  But,  alas ! "  said  the  tenants,  "  we  can't  get  any 
now,  and  are  fain  to  live  on  bread  and  cheese." 

"  And  suppose  you  are,"  answered  the  squire,  wax 
ing  wroth  — "  suppose  you  are,  you  stupid  block 
heads  ;  did  not  your  ancestors  live  and  flourish  under 


102  JOHN   BULL   AND 

my  family  time  out  of  mind,  and  will  you  be  so  un 
grateful  as  to  refuse  to  put  up  with  a  little  moderate 
hunger  for  the  honour  of  your  forefathers  and  mine  ? 
Body  o'  me !  but  I  see  you  have  been  seduced  by  that 
sapskuU  son  Jonathan,  and  his  confounded  Yankee 
notions.  So  you  won't  starve  at  home  upon  scientific 
principles,  you  ungrateful  villains,  hey  ?  " 

To  which  the  tenants  replied,  "  It  is  true,  our  fore 
fathers  have  been  comfortable  as  the  tenants  of  your 
family ;  but,  as  their  children  cannot  be  comfortable 
any  longer,  we  think  we  had  better  try  somewhere 
else.  We  can't  live  on  the  roast-beef  and  plum-pud 
ding  of  our  ancestors." 

"  No ! "  cried  the  squire,  his  eyes  almost  starting 
out  of  his  head  — "  Not  live  on  the  roast-beef  and 
plum-pudding  of  your  ancestors,  you  grovelling,  low 
lived  scum  of  democracy  —  poor  fellows  without 
souls,  that  think  only  of  your  bodies !  Yes,  yes,  I  see 
how  it  is  —  I  see  how  it  is,  that  rebeUious  rascal  Jon 
athan  has  been  seducing  you.  Why,  you  great  oafs, 
don't  you  know  that  the  poorest  d — 1  on  Jonathan's 
farms  can  vote  at  town-meetings  and  elections ;  and 
that  high  and  low,  rich  and  poor,  are  all  equal  on  Jon 
athan's  farms  ?  Would  you  live  among  such  a  mean, 
plebeian  set  of  fellows,  not  one  of  whom  can  carry 
his  head  higher  than  his  neighbour?  Answer  me 
that,  you  great  blockheads." 

"  That  is  exactly  what  we  should  like,"  replied  these 
honest  fellows :  "  we  are  quite  tired  of  seeing  people 
hold  their  heads  so  much  higher  than  ourselves ;  and, 
above  all  things,  desire  to  have  a  voice  at  town- 
meetings  and  elections." 

Squire  Bull  found  he  had  got  on  a  snag,  as  they 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  103 

say  in  the  Far  West  farms,  and  tacked  about  as  fast 
as  he  could. 

"  But,  my  honest  fellows,"  said  he,  coaxingly,  "don't 
you  know  that  the  very  poorest  of  you,  if  he  is  wise 
enough,  can,  if  he  has  good  luck,  come  to  be  a  justice 
of  the  peace,  or  even  high-constable,  in  that  scurvy 
fellow  my  son  Brother  Jonathan's  farms?  Would 
you  live  in  a  place  where  such  low  fellows  get  into 
office  ?  " 

"  We  should  like  it  of  all  things,"  said  the  poor 
tenants ;  "  we  are  tired  of  magistrates  that  have  no 
fellow-feeling  with  ourselves." 

The  squire  this  time  ran  against  a  sawyer,  and 
once  more  changed  his  tune. 

"  But,  my  dear  friends,  don't  you  know  that  liquor 
and  every  thing  else  is  so  plenty  and  cheap  on  Jona 
than's  farms,  that  a  man  can  get  a  dinner  and  get 
fuddled  besides  for  a  shilling?  Would  you  leave 
your  old  landlord,  who  only  keeps  you  on  short  com 
mons  for  your  own  good,  to  indulge  in  doing  as  you 
please,  and  drinking  as  much  as  you  like  ?  " 

"  What  a  glorious  place ! "  cried  the  tenants,  one 
and  all.  "  Let  us  be  off  as  soon  as  possible  ! " 

So  away  they  went  to  buy  boats  to  carry  them 
over  to  Jonathan's  farms,  leaving  the  squire  to  wonder 
with  all  his  might,  that  what  was  so  extremely  disa 
greeable  to  the  landlord  should  be  so  very  agreeable 
to  the  tenants.  He  found  this  to  be  so  outrageously 
unreasonable,  that  he  called  the  poor  fellows  a  set  of 
ungrateful  rascals,  and  Jonathan  a  rebellious  son  of  a 
tinker.  He  cudgelled  his  brains  for  a  whole  week, 
and  at  length  hit  on  a  most  capital  way  of  being  even 
with  Jonathan  for  seducing  his  tenants,  giving  them 


104  JOHN  BULL  AND 

plenty  of  land  at  a  small  rent,  and  allowing  them  to 
vote  at  elections. 


CHAPTER  XXVIII. 

Of  the  way  Squire  Bull  took  to  be  even  with  Brother  Jonathan. 

JOHN  BULL  had  a  long  time  ago  set  up  a  good  num 
ber  of  schools  on  Bullock  Island,  for  the  teaching  of 
Greek,  Latin,  and  other  light  matters,  to  the  sons  of 
the  better  sort  of  tenants,  insomuch  that  some  of  them, 
it  is  said,  came  at  last  to  tell  the  difference  between  a 
B  and  a  bull's  foot  in  Greek  and  Latin :  whereat  the 
squire  grew  as  vain  as  a  turkey-cock,  and  swore  he 
had  scholars  among  his  tenants  that  could  twist  any 
man  of  their  inches  in  all  the  neighbourhood. 

There  were  besides,  among  them,  fellows  that  wrote 
books,  such  as  almanacs,  cock-and-bull  stories,  and 
the  like;  and,  to  give  every  one  his  due,  here  and 
there  a  wiseacre,  who  knew  about  every  thing.  Some 
of  these  could  explain  the  cause  of  earthquakes  and 
burning  mountains ;  others  could  tell,  within  a  foot, 
the  size  of  a  star,  that  could  not  be  seen  without 
spectacles;  others  could  prove  that  black  was  the 
white  of  your  eye,  provided  nobody  contradicted 
them  ;  others  could  demonstrate  that  the  moon  was 
made  of  green  cheese,  and  others  tell  what  was  inside 
of  your  head  by  only  feeling  the  outside.  In  short, 
there  was  no  end  to  the  scholarship  of  Squire  Bull's 
tenants,  one  out  of  ten  of  whom  could  almost  read 
and  write. 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  105 

Now  John,  after  having  convinced  his  stupid  ten 
ants  aforesaid  of  the  propriety  of  running  away  to 
Jonathan's  farms,  thought  to  himself  he  would  be 
even  with  him  for  seducing  them.  He  determined, 
like  the  devout  Quaker,  not  to  smite  him,  but  to  give 
him  a  bad  name.  So,  not  content  with  abusing  him 
by  word  of  mouth,  which  he  failed  not  to  do  ten  times 
a  day,  John  went  to  work,  and  got  his  great  scholars 
to  write  libels  against  the  worthy  fellow,  which  he  had 
posted  up  against  the  doors  of  churches  and  taverns, 
and  repeated  by  the  crier  at  all  public  places.  "  Body 
o'  me ! "  quoth  he,  "  but  I'll  pepper  him  till  he  is  black 
in  the  face,  that's  what  I  will.  I  begat  him,  and  have 
a  right  to  abuse  the  rascal  as  much  as  I  please." 

These  poor  rogues  of  scribblers  that  John  hired 
were  glad  enough  to  earn  a  liberal  penny  in  this 
way,  seeing  they  were  sometimes  pretty  hard  run  for 
a  dinner ;  and  it  was  a  saying  among  them,  that,  "  a 
man  must  eat  though  he  lies  for  it."  Accordingly, 
they  set  to  work  to  earn  an  honest  livelihood  by  bela 
bouring  unlucky  Jonathan  pretty  handsomely,  as  we 
shall  see. 


CHAPTER   XXIX. 

How  one  Farmer  Parkinson  undertook  to  prove  that  Brother  Jonathan  was 
no  great  farmer. 

THE  first  fellow,  I  believe,  that  undertook  to  score 
Jonathan,  was  one  Farmer  Parkinson,  who,  having 
ruined  himself  by  farming  on  Bullock  Island,  went 
over  to  the  West  farms,  to  show  them  how  to  man- 


106  JOHN  BULL  AND 

age  their  affairs  in  that  quarter.  But  Jonathan's 
people  had  a  way  of  their  own,  which  they  did  not 
choose  to  unlearn  all  at  once,  especially  as  Master 
Parkinson  did  not  prosper  in  his  way,  as  they  had 
heard.  Friend  Parkinson  went  all  about  among 
Jonathan's  farms,  finding  fault  with  every  thing ;  run 
ning  down  their  fences ;  abusing  their  ploughs,  oxen, 
horses,  and  what  not ;  and  predicting  their  utter  ruin 
if  they  did  not  turn  over  a  new  leaf  and  learn  a  lesson 
of  him.  But  they  only  tipped  each  other  the  wink,  as 
much  as  to  say,  "  the  proof  of  the  pudding  is  in  the 
eating."  A  broken-down  farmer  is  not  the  best  hand 
in  the  world  to  teach  his  grandmother  how  to  suck 
eggs,  I  guess. 

So  Farmer  Parkinson  went  back  to  Bullock  Island, 
and  wrote  an  advertisement  which  was  put  up  every 
where,  saying  that  Brother  Jonathan  was  no  farmer, 
and  as  ignorant  as  one  of  his  horses.  The  squire  was 
tickled  to  death  at  this,  and  went  about  telling  his 
tenants  what  Farmer  Parkinson  had  written.  But 
they  only  scratched  their  heads,  and  wondered  that 
Jonathan's  tenants  should  grow  so  rich,  seeing  they 
knew  no.thing  about  farming. 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  107 


CHAPTER  XXX. 

How  Lawyer  Janson  *  tried  his  hand  at  a  fling  at  Brother  Jonathan. 

THE  next  fellow  John  hired  to  come  over  to  Jona 
than's  farms  to  pick  holes  in  his  jacket,  was  one  Law 
yer  Janson,  who,  I  have  heard  say,  never  took  fees 
from  both  clients,  because  he  could  not  get  any  clients 
to  take  them  from.  He  was,  however,  reckoned 
rather  an  eminent  practitioner,  and  belonged,  I  be 
lieve,  to  that  class  called  pettifoggers,  which,  reversing 
the  order  of  precedence,  is  the  highest  of  all. 

Lawyer  Janson,  not  getting  much  practice  in  Bul 
lock  Island,  one  reason  of  which  was  that  the  law 
was  so  dear  few  people  could  afford  to  buy  it,  offered 
his  services  to  go  over  the  mill-pond,  and  find  out  a 
few  more  of  Jonathan's  peccadilloes.  The  squire  ac 
cordingly  put  his  hand  in  his  breeches-pocket,  where 
great  people  always  carry  their  money,  and  gave  him 
enough  to  pay  his  ferriage  across  the  mill-pond,  telling 
him  he  must  wait  for  the  rest  till  he  came  back  again. 

The  lawyer  settled  himself  in  one  of  the  farms 
Down  East,  as  I  have  heard ;  where  he  soon  reversed 
the  order  of  nature,  for,  having  no  clients  and  getting 
into  debt,  he  was  taken  the  law  of  instead  of  taking 
the  law  of  others.  Whereupon  he  put  in  a  new  spe 
cies  of  common-bail,  that  is  to  say,  he  gave  leg-bail, 
and  ran  away  like  a  brave  fellow.  I  heard  he  was  in 
such  a  hurry,  and  was  so  terribly  scared,  that  he 

*  Charles  William  Janson,  "  late  of  the  State  of  Rhode  Island"  resided 
in  America  from  1793  to  1806.  He  published  in  London,  in  1807,  the  Stran 
ger  in  America.  4to.  — Allibone's  Dictionary  ofAuthws. 


108  JOHN   BULL   AND 

never  looked  behind  him  till  he  got  somewhere  away 
off  in  the  Southlands,  where  he  stopped  to  take  breath 
and  make  memorandums  of  what  he  had  seen.  Be 
ing  heartily  disgusted  with  the  farms  and  the  tenants, 
he  went  over  again  to  Bullock  Island,  where  he 
posted  up  a  great  handbill,  charging  Brother  Jona 
than  with  knowing  no  more  of  law  than  some  great 
lawyers. 

"  Body  o'  me ! "  said  Squire  Bull  to  his  tenants, 
"  what  do  you  think  of  that,  you  great  blockheads, 
and  be  hanged  to  you?" 

"  Marry,  there  is  no  great  harm  in  that,"  was  their 
reply ;  "  a  man  may  have  too  much  of  a  good  thing 
—  too  much  of  law,  and  too  much  of  lawyers." 

Upon  this  John  let  fly  his  wig  at  them,  and  swore 
no  poor  fellow  ever  had  such  a  set  of  blockheads  for 
tenants  as  himself. 


CHAPTER  XXXI. 

How  there  next  came  over  a  smart  young  sprig,  who  was  reckoned  a  great 
beau  among  Squire  Bull's  boatmen. 

THERE  was,  among  John's  boatmen,  a  smart,  pert, 
idle,  good-for-nothing  young  fellow.  His  parents  not 
knowing  what  to  do  with  him,  put  him  aboard  of  one 
of  the  squire's  boats  to  learn  good  manners,  and,  may 
be,  some  day  or  other, -get  to  be  captain  of  one  of 
them.  His  name  was  De  Roos*  or  De  Goose,  I  for 
get  which ;  and  he  boasted  of  coming  of  a  good 

*  Probably  F.  F.  De  Roos,  who  published  in  London,  Travels  in  the 
United  States  and  Canada  in  1826.  8vo. 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  109 

family,  because  he  had  a  name  beginning  with  a  De, 
though,  for  my  part,  I  can't  tell  why.  This  chap  hav 
ing  been  a  long  while  sculling  about  in  the  mill-pond 
without  getting  to  be  any  thing  but  a  cabin-boy, 
thought  he  might  perhaps  get  a  little  into  Squire 
Bull's  good  graces,  by  taking  a  trip  over  to  Jonathan's 
farms,  and  picking  a  few  more  holes  in  the  poor  lad's 
jacket. 

De  Goose,  as  I  am  pretty  sure  he  was  called,  was, 
as  I  said,  a  mighty  fine  sort  of  a  spark,  a  very  old 
boy  among  the  girls,  so  that  when  he  came  over  they 
almost  tittered  their  little  eyes  out  at  seeing  such  a 
pretty,  nice  fellow.  He  staid  a  whole  night  and 
almost  a  day  in  Brother  Jonathan's  farms,  after  which 
he  went  back  to  Bullock  Island,  and  posted  up  a 
paper,  in  which  he  pledged  his  honour  that  Jonathan 
was  no  gentleman,  for  he  kept  company  with  his  ten 
ants,  and  admitted  mechanics  into  his  parlour. 

"  There,  my  boys !  there ! "  cried  John  to  his  ten 
ants  ;  "  what  do  you  think  of  that,  you  stupid  ninny- 
hammers?" 

"  Not  quite  so  bad,  after  all,"  said  they ;  "  there  is 
no  harm  in  landlords  keeping  company  sometimes 
with  their  tenants,  if  it  is  only  to  get  acquainted  with 
their  characters.  And  as  for  letting  poor  people 
come  into  his  parlour,  we  should  like  that  above  all 
things." 

Upon  this  they  gave  a  great  huzza  for  Brother 
Jonathan,  and  paddled  over  to  his  farms  as  fast  as 
they  could. 

"  What  stupid  dolts ! "  cried  the  squire,  shaking  his 
head ;  "  they  will  never  know  what's  good  for  them. 
But  I  must  not  forget  my  little  De  Goose." 


110  JOHN  BULL  AND 

Accordingly,  in  pure  gratitude  for  taking  so  much 
pains  to  enlighten  his  tenants,  he  made  him  captain 
of  one  of  his  old  ferry-boats. 


CHAPTER  XXXH. 

How  Squire  Bull  sent  over  one  Peter  Porcupine  to  pry  into  Jonathan's 
private  affairs. 

JOHN  had  about  him  an  old  corporal,  who  went  by 
the  nickname  of  Peter  Porcupine,*  one  of  the  most 
abusive  fellows  ever  known.  He  was  always  back 
biting  the  squire,  who  once  or  twice  got  out  of 
patience  and  clapped  him  up  in  jail  for  his  pains.  But 
though  the  squire  did  not  like  to  be  clapperclawed 
himself  by  Peter,  he  knew  by  experience  what  a  bit 
ter  boy  he  was  at  getting  up  a  pack  of  lies,  and  for 
that  reason  he  got  him  dressed  up  like  a  gentleman, 
and,  putting  some  money  in  his  pockets,  sent  him  over 
to  print  handbills  and  paste  them  up  under  Jonathan's 
very  nose. 

Peter  accordingly  came  over  the  mill-pond,  and 
played  away  at  a  fine  rate,  saying  just  what  he  liked, 
and  telling  as  many  great  lies  as  he  could  invent,  for 
Jonathan  was  a  good-natured  fellow,  and  made  it  a 
point  of  conscience  to  let  his  own  tenants  say  what 
they  pleased  of  him.  To  be  sure  they  sometimes 
scored  him  pretty  handsomely,  but  there  is  a  great 
difference  between  the  freedoms  of  old  acquaintances 

*  William  Cobbett,  among  his  multifarious  works,  published  "  A  Year's 
Residence  in  America."  TLo  above  was  his  nom  deplume. 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  Ill 

and  strangers.  Peter  was  a  vulgar  kind  of  a  chap, 
and  the  greatest  master  of  bad  language  that  ever  was 
known.  He  wrote  a  grammar  on  purpose  to  teach 
people  how  to  abuse  one  another  in  good  English. 
Mercy  upon  us !  how  he  did  belabour  honest  Jona 
than,  even  before  he  knew  the  poor  lad  by  sight.  He 
called  him  all  sorts  of  names,  such  as  rogue,  fool, 
hypocrite,  blackguard,  ignoramus,  negro-driver,  and 
what  not.  Taking  advantage  of  Jonathan's  easy 
temper,  he  went  so  far  as  to  swear  he  had  no  right  to 
his  own  property,  and  tried  to  persuade  the  tenants 
to  go  over  in  a  body  to  Squire  Bull,  who  he  said 
would  make  them  as  happy  as  the  day  was  long,  and 
happier  too. 

This  was  urging  the  joke  rather  too  far,  and  at  last 
Jonathan  got  his  back  up.  He  brought  his  action  of 
slander  against  the  old  corporal,  and  cast  him  in 
swingeing  damages,*  which  he  found  rather  hard  to 
pay,  though  he  had  made  a  good  deal  of  money  out 
of  Jonathan's  tenants,  who  always  pay  well  for  see 
ing  themselves  handsomely  abused  in  black  and 
white.  Upon  this  the  corporal  had  his  house  painted 
black  all  over,  and,  after  throwing  "  a  bone  "  for  the 
democrats  "to  gnaw,"  he  packed  himself  off  home 
again,  to  tell  John  all  about  it. 

The  old  squire  hereupon  called  a  good  many  of  his 
tenants  around  him,  and  addressed  them  as  fol 
lows  :  — 

"  My  honest  fellows !  you  hear  what  the  old  cor- 

*  William  Cobbett.  1762-1835.  In  1796  he  settled  in  Philadelphia, 
and,  establishing  Peter  Porcupine's  Gazette,  took  a  lively  interest  in  the 
political  questions  of  the  day.  His  intemperance  in  controversy  provoked 
suits  for  slander  by  Dr.  Rush  and  others,  and  the  satirist  was  fined  the  sum 
of  five  thousand  dollars.  —  Allibone's  Dictionary  of  Authors. 


112  JOHN  BULL  AND 

poral  says  about  Jonathan,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing, 
How  happy  you  are,  you  great  blockheads,  if  you  did 
but  know  it.  Yet  you  are  always  hankering  after 
that  snivelling  fellow's  farms,  though  he  lets  his  ten 
ants  do  almost  just  what  they  please,  so  that  they  are 
pretty  much  their  own  masters,  and  get  so  rich  in  a 
few  years  that  they  are  able  to  buy  Jonathan  out  of 
some  of  his  best  lands.  A  fine  place,  truly,  for  a  gen 
tleman  to  live  in,  hey !,  you  stupid  rascals ! " 

"  Not  so  fine  for  a  gentleman,"  quoth  the  tenants, 
"  but  very  fine  for  us."  So  they  shouted  huzza  for 
Brother  Jonathan,  and  bundled  themselves  off  to  the 
farms  as  fast  as  they  could. 

John  scratched  his  pate,  and  whistled  his  old  tune 
of  "  God  save  the  king,"  which  he  always  did  when 
out  of  sorts ;  and  turning  to  Peter,  began  calling  him 
a  great  fool  for  abusing  Jonathan  for  the  very  things 
that  made  all  his  tenants  fall  in  love  with  the  young 
rascal,  and  run  after  him  as  if  they  were  mad.  He 
refused  to  do  any  thing  for  the  old  corporal,  who,  out 
of  pure  spite  to  John,  began  to  praise  Jonathan  with  all 
his  might,  and  abuse  his  old  daddy.  He  swore  the 
squire's  tenants  were  a  set  of  "  flogged  "  rogues,  for 
which  John  had  him  clapped  up  in  jail;  for,  being 
lord  of  the  manor  of  Bullock,  his  will  was  pretty 
much  law  in  these  cases. 

"  Stay  there,"  quoth  the  squire,  "  till  you  learn  good 
manners,  and  leave  off  telling  lies."  But  he  might 
have  staid  there  till  doomsday  before  that  happened. 


BROTHER   JONATHAN. 

I   J 

CHAPTER  XXXm. 

^!*^^  '    JtJIl     ™ 

How  Squire  Bull  sent  over  one  Captain  All,*  who,  it  was  said,  could  write 
better  than  fight,  to  find  out  some  more  of  Brother  Jonathan's  faults,  and 
how  the  captain,  being  troubled  with  squinting,  saw  every  thing  crooked. 

JOHN  BULL,  being  somewhat  out  of  patience  at  the 
unaccountable  effect  produced  among  his  tenants  by 
the  great  pains  he  had  taken  to  enlighten  them  con 
cerning  Brother  Jonathan  and  his  bad  habits,  deter 
mined  to  pick  out  one  of  his  cleverest  fellows  this  time, 
to  send  over  on  a  voyage  of  discovery.  He  accord 
ingly  found  out  an  old  tarpaulin  of  a  fellow  among 
his  boatmen,  who  had  sailed  all  round  the  mill-pond 
ever  so  many  times,  and  made  several  great  discove 
ries  that  nobody  else  had  ever  seen  before  or  ever  saw 
afterwards.  By  reason  of  having  long  been  in  the 
habit  of  keeping  a  regular  log-book,  the  captain,  as  he 
was  called  on  account  of  having  once  commanded  a 
bumboat,  was  considered  to  write  a  very  good  hand, 
and,  what  was  more,  could  spell  like  a  school-master 
by  the  help  of  the  dictionary. 

There  was  no  end  to  the  tough  stories  he  told  about 
what  he  had  seen  and  done  in  distant  parts.  He  had 
bought  ever  so  many  fair  winds  of  an  old  witch  Down 
East;  had  caught  one  of  the  lights  that  sometimes 
are  seen  in  a  storm  sticking  to  the  ropes  of  a  vessel, 
and  used  it  to  light  his  binnacle  with;  had  been 
among  the  people  that  live  right  under  us  on  the  other 
side  of  the  world,  and  walk  with  their  heads  down- 

*  Probably  Captain  Basil  Hall.  He  published,  in  1829,  Travels  in  North 
America  in  1827-28.  3  vols.  post  8vo.  —  Allibone!&  Dictionary  of  Authors. 


114  JOHN  BULL  AND 

ward  like  flies  against  the  ceiling;  had  seen  a  sea- 
serpent  sixteen  times  as  long  as  the  one  at  Jonathan's 
farms  Down  East,  and  discovered  a  great  island  in  an 
out-of-the-way  part  of  the  mill-pond  called  Loo-choo, 
where  all  the  people  were  born  without  heads,  and 
yet  had  the  longest  ears  he  ever  saw,  longer  even  than 
his  own.  In  fact,  he  was  supposed  by  some  to  shoot 
with  a  long  bow,  and  went  among  John's  tenants  by 
the  name  of  old  Quid  the  tough-yarn-spinner,  he  be 
ing  a  great  chewer  of  tobacco. 

But  Squire  Bull  liked  him  the  better  for  drawing  a 
long  bow,  because,  he  thought  to  himself,  the  captain 
would  not  stick  at  trifles  in  a  good  cause.  Accord 
ingly  he  caused  the  captain  to  be  dressed  up  like 
a  gentleman,  that  he  might  the  better  impose  on  Jon 
athan  and  his  tenants ;  put  a  great  cocked-hat  bediz 
ened  with  copper-lace  on  his  head ;  stuck  a  pair  of 
tarnished  epaulets  on  his  shoulders  with  a  couple  of 
pins;  and  fastened  a  rusty  sword  at  least  two  yards 
long  to  the  waistband  of  his  breeches.  He  then  gave 
him  a  hearty  kick  of  the  breech,  in  token  of  his  ap 
probation,  and  sent  hrm  away  with  plenty  of  letters 
of  recommendation,  setting  forth  in  the  most  pomp 
ous  manner  his  great  valour  as  an  officer,  and  his 
great  accomplishments  as  a  gentleman. 

Jonathan  received  this  doughty  fellow  with  all  the 
respect  due  to  his  cocked-hat,  his  epaulets,  his  long 
sword,  and  his  letters  of  recommendation ;  for  he  was 
one  of  the  most  hospitable  lads  in  the  world,  and  kept 
open  house  to  all  persons,  especially  strangers,  high 
and  low,  rich  and  poor.  He  feasted  the  captain  to 
such  a  degree,  and  plied  him  so  lustily  with  good 
liquor,  that  half  the  time  the  captain  did  not  know 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  115 

whether  he  was  not  walking  with  his  head  downward, 
like  the  queer  creatures  he  had  seen  on  the  other  side 
of  the  earth.  With  this  lusty  fare  he  grew  fat,  and, 
like  all  low  fellows,  saucy,  and  began  to  believe  him 
self  a  great  officer,  only  because  Jonathan  treated  him 
better  than  he  deserved.  Jonathan,  moreover,  gave 
him  letters  to  all  parts  of  his  estate,  recommending 
it  to  his  tenants  to  make  much  of  the  distinguished 
stranger,  as  he  called  him,  like  a  young  gosling  as  he 
was. 

The  captain  went  all  over  Jonathan's  farms,  asking 
questions  of  everybody,  and  getting  into  a  passion  if 
anybody  asked  questions  of  him ;  poking  his  nose 
everywhere,  prying  into  every  one's  business,  and 
making  memorandums  in  his  log-book.  Jonathan's 
tenants,  -who  are  in  the  main  a  cute  set  of  fellows, 
often  bantered  him  with  all  sorts  of  tough  stories, 
which  he  would  write  down  in  his  log-book ;  but  little 
they  thought  that  he  was  going  to  put  them  out  as  all 
gospel  when  he  got  home.  The  captain  went  grum 
bling  his  way  from  one  end  of  Jonathan's  farms  to  the 
other,  collecting  everything  and  nothing  that  fell  in 
his  path,  and,  after  eating  his  way  manfully  through 
and  through,  at  last  sailed  over  the  great  mill-pond 
with  his  log-book. 

There  never  was  a  man  half  so  well  pleased  in  this 
world,  according  to  the  best  of  my  belief,  as  John 
Bull  was  when  he  put  on  his  spectacles  and  read  the 
captain's  log-book,  which  certainly  was  the  cleverest 
thing  ever  written  since  the  travels  of  Baron  Mun- 
chausen,  who,  I  ought  to  have  mentioned  before,  was 
the  captain's  grandfather  by  the  mother's  side,  as  I 
have  heard.  For  a  man  that  squinted  so  mortally,  it 


116  JOHN   BULL   AND 

was  astonishing  what  correct  views  he  had  taken ; 
and  nothing  was  wanting  to  a  proper  understanding 
of  the  whole,  but  to  make  allowance  for  the  captain's 
infirmity,  and  take  things  directly  contrary  to  what  he 
saw  them.  His  pictures  were,  in  fact,  all  turned  up- 
sidedown,  like  the  odd  fellows  he  saw  walking  on 
their  heads  the  other  side  of  the  world.  Then  the 
log-book  was  published  at  John's  expense,  as  was 
pretty  generally  supposed,  and  everybody  swore  it 
was  the  most  philosophical  work  that  had  ever  been 
seen,  only  that  the  captain's  conclusions  were  always 
at  loggerheads  with  his  premises,  and  his  individual 
examples  for  ever  opposed  to  his  general  inferences. 
But  this  I  have  always  thought  was  owing  to  the 
captain's  unlucky  habit  of  squinting,  which  originated, 
as  I  have  heard,  in  his  always  going  out  in  the  sun 
without  a  hat  when  he  was  a  little  boy  and  used  to 
go  wading  along  the  edge  of  the  mill-pond  to  catch 
tadpoles. 

Be  this  as  it  may,  John  Bull  was  so  tickled  with 
the  captain's  log-book  that  he  gave  him  a  new  uni 
form,  and  was  casting  about  how  he  might  further 
reward  his  eminent  services,  when  he  was  taken  all 
aback  by  some  one  coming  in  to  tell  him  that  another 
great  parcel  of  his  tenants  had  packed  off,  bag  and 
baggage,  to  Jonathan's  farms,  being  thereto  sorely 
impelled  by  the  captain's  philosophical  conclusions. 

The  squire  was  so  bothered  at  this,  that  he  sat 
down  in  his  arm-chair,  and  fell  into  a  great  brown- 
study  :  never  was  a  poor  gentleman  so  puzzled  to  ac 
count  for  a  thing  as  plain  as  the  nose  on  his  face.  If 
he  had  only  put  himself  in  the  place  of  his  tenants, 
he  would  have  found  out,  soon  enough,  that  the  very 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  117 

things  with  which  he  twitted  Brother  Jonathan,  were 
exactly  what  tickled  them,  and  made  them  so  anxious 
to  hold  lands  under  his  son.  All  he  had  to  do  was  to 
make  them  believe  that  Jonathan  was  just  such  a 
bitter  old  landlord  as  himself,  and  there  would  be  no 
danger  of  his  practicing  any  more  seductions  upon 
them. 

But  this  never  occurred  to  the  squire,  and  he  deter 
mined  to  try  his  hand  at  getting  up  another  log-book, 
like  a  headstrong,  obstinate  old  fellow,  as  he  was. 


CHAPTER  XXXIV. 

How  Squire  Bull  dressed  up  an  ugly  old  trollop*  as  a  lady,  and  sent  hV 
over  to  try  her  hand  at  opening  the  eyes  of  his  stupid  tenants.  \ 

THERE  was  an  old  woman,  that,  as  I  have  been 
credibly  informed,  sold  fish  and  mussels  about  the 
manor  of  Bullock.  Owing  to  her  carrying  a  d — 1  of 
a  tongue  in  her  head,  and  abusing  everybody  that 
tried  to  beat  down  her  prices,  she  had  gradually  got 
rather  low  in  the  world.  Whenever  she  came  round 
with  her  alewives  and  gar-fish,  the  people  would  all 
shut  their  doors  for  fear  of  a  lecture ;  so  that  the  short 
and  the  long  of  the  story  is,  she  failed  in  business, 
and,  it  is  said,  paid  her  creditors  only  one  ounce  of 
fish  in  the  pound.  She  was,  however,  a  pert,  smart 
sort  of  a  body,  had  learned  to  read  and  write  at  a 
parish-school,  and  might  have  kept  a  school  or  some 
such  thing  if  she  had  only  been  able  to  hold  her 

*  Frances  Trollope.  Domestic  Manners  of  the  Americans.  2vols.  12mo. 
London.  1832. 


118  JOHN  BULL  AND 

tongue  a  little.  They  say  she  was  once  ducked  for  a 
common  scold,  but  I  cannot  pledge  myself  as  to  that 
matter. 

The  squire,  happening  to  have  some  recollection  of 
the  old  woman,  having  once  been  pretty  well  lectured 
by  her  in  a  bargain  for  a  John  Dory,  thought  to  him 
self,  as  all  his  male  missionaries  had  done  him  only 
harm,  he  would  try  what  a  female  could  do.  So  he 
sent  for  her  to  come  to  him,  which  she  did  in  not  one 
of  her  best  humours.  John  who,  as  I  said,  knew  her 
of  old,  felt  a  little  skittish  when  she  came,  with  a 
great  old  black  calash  on  her  head,  a  faded  silk  gown, 
and  divers  other  remnants  of  her  ancient  glories,  which 
she  always  wore  on  great  occasions. 

John  undertook  to  let  her  into  his  plan  in  the  most 
delicate  way  he  could  think  of ;  but,  though  there  was 
something  in  the  thing  that  pleased  the  spiteful  old 
creature  well  enough,  she  began  to  rate  him  soundly, 
on  account  of  some  old  grudges  not  worth  speaking 
of  in  this  place. 

"  Marry,  come  up,  my  doughty  squire,"  cried  she, 
"  you  can  be  civil  enough  now  you  want  me.  You 
forget,  I  'spose,  when  you  rated  me  about  that  John 
Dory,  which,  as  I  am  a  living  sinner,  was  as  fresh  as 
a  spring  morning,  though  you  said  its  gills  were  as 
blue  as  indigo.  Yes,  yes ;  but  I'll  let  you  know  I'm 
not  to  be  made  a  fool  of :  I'm  not  to  be  bamboozled, 
befooled,  and  befiddled  in  this  way,  I  can  tell  you.  I 
am  an  honest  woman,  and  I  don't  care  who  knows  it. 
You  mustn't  think  to  poke  fun  into  me  in  this  way, 
that  I  can  tell  you."  And  she  gradually  raised  her 
voice  till  it  squeaked  like  a  fiddle,  so  that  the  squire 
was  fain  to  stuff  his  thumbs  into  his  ears. 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  119 

But  they  say  hard  squalls  never  last  long,  and  this 
one  blew  over  in  a  few  minutes.  The  squire,  albeit 
he  would  like  to  have  had  the  old  creature  ducked, 
having  a  point  to  gain,  held  in  his  anger  like  a  whole 
team,  and  locked  the  wheels  of  his  tongue  for  fear  it 
should  run  down  hill  and  dash  his  project  all  to  pieces. 
He  coaxed  her  at  last  into  a  better  humour,  and,  by 
promising  her  a  new  hat,  a  new  poplin  gown,  and 
a  whole  bladder  of  snuff,  at  last  brought  her  to  con 
sent  to  go  over  the  mill-pond  to  Jonathan's  farms,  and 
look  into  the  manners  and  customs  of  the  good  women 
there,  and  see  wherein  they  were  wanting  in  civility 
and  refinement.  At  the  same  time,  the  sly  rogue 
could  not,  for  the  soul  of  him,  help  laughing  in  his 
sleeve,  to  think  what  a  fine  judge  of  such  matters  was 
this  old  sinner,  who,  he  had  good  reason  to  know,  had 
never  eaten  out  of  any  thing  better  than  a  wooden 
trencher  in  all  her  born  days. 

The  old  creature,  after  bargaining  for  a  looking- 
glass  that  she  might  see  herself  in  her  new  dress  on 
the  passage  over  the  mill-pond,  at  length  set  sail,  and 
in  good  time  arrived  at  the  mouth  of  a  great  creek 
that  ran  a  good  way  up  into  Jonathan's  farms  in  the 
Far  West.  There  chanced  to  be  in  the  boat  that 
carried  over  Madame  Trollope,  as  she  was  nicknamed, 
a  young  single  lady,  who,  though  she  had  several 
husbands,  was  never  married,  so  far  as  I  can  learn. 
This  young  single-married-woman  was  going  over  to 
Jonathan's  farms  to  civilize  the  people,  and  teach  the 
women  a  proper  regard  to  morals.  Now,  as  Madame 
Trollope  was  going  to  set  them  an  example  in  good 
manners,  nothing  was  more  natural  than  that  these 
two  should  grow  very  intimate,  and,  as  it  were,  join 
stocks  together. 


120  JOHN  BULL  AND 

Accordingly,  they  patched  up  a  great  friendship, 
and  agreed  to  prosecute  their  benevolent  intentions 
toward  the  wives  and  daughters  of  Brother  Jona 
than's  tenants  in  partnership.  But  the  old  creature's 
tongue  was  such  an  unruly  member  that  she  could  not 
for  the  life  of  her  keep  it  in  order ;  so  that,  by  the  time 
they  began  to  know  one  another  tolerably  well,  a  sepa 
ration  took  place.  The  young  unmarried  woman  with 
several  husbands  went  her  way  to  preach  up  her  new 
system  of  morals,  and  the  old  creature  to  exercise  her 
skill  in  polishing  the  manners  of  the  rude  women  of 
Jonathan's  farms,  who  knew  nothing  of  the  delights 
of  flirtation,  and  were  so  ineffably  vulgar  that,  it  is 
currently  said,  they  looked  upon  the  marriage-vow  as 
little  less  than  a  sacred  obligation. 

What  became  of  the  young  woman  I  never  heard, 
but  the  old  one  found  her  way  up  the  long  creek  to 
one  of  Jonathan's  new  settlements,  where  she  was  re 
ceived  and  treated  with  the  greatest  kindness,  and  for 
a  time  passed  among  the  simple  tenants  for  a  lady. 
This   settlement  was   what   they  call   a   new   clear 
ing,  inhabited  by  people  of  plain  homely  habits,  but 
withal  of  great  industry  and  enterprise,  and  gifted  with 
a  tolerable  portion  of  good  sense  as  well  as  sagacity. 
They  had  a  new  country  to  clear  and  cultivate,  and 
possessed    all  the  good   qualities  so  generally  found 
among  an  industrious  population  of  farmers.     They 
sdid  not  understand  the  frisky  airs  Madame  Trollope 
f  gave  herself,  nor  could  they  be  brought  to  giving  up 
\  reading  the  Bible  and  going  to  church,  which  the  old 
\creature  said  was  what  made  them  so  mighty  stupid 
about  understanding  the  true  intent  and  meaning  of 
the  marriage-vow. 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  121 

But  this  was  not  the  worst :  the  men  actually  spit 
against  the  wind ;  ate  their  dinners  in  a  great  hurry,  I 
suppose  because  they  had  something  to  do  afterward ; 
and  sometimes,  instead  of  drinking  wine  at  the  dinner- 
table,  drank  a  glass  of  bitters  at  the  bar.  But  what 
capped  the  climax,  they  one  and  all  resolutely  declined 
making  love  to  the  old  creature,  who,  now  that  she 
was  dressed  out  so  fine,  had  a  notion  that  she  was 
a  beauty.  She  fell  into  a  roaring  fury,  and  all  but 
swore  the  tenants  of  Jonathan  had  no  more  sensibil 
ity  to  female  charms  or  female  society  than  so  many 
raccoons;  and  all  this  because  they  would  not  go 
about  philandering  with  an  old  woman,  whose  voice 
squeaked  like  a  fiddle,  and  whose  face  was,  they  say, 
not  much  unlike  that  of  the  fish  called  a  sole. 

The  old  creature,  being  disgusted  with  the  insensi 
bility  of  these  stupid  blockheads,  got  into  a  tearing 
passion,  and  went  into  the  woods  some  way  off,  where 
she  set  up  a  school  of  painting  and  other  accomplish 
ments.  But  she  got  no  scholars,  because  there  were 
none  to  be  had ;  and  then  she  was  taken  with  another 
tantrum,  and  declared  the  people  had  no  more  taste  for 
the  polite  arts  than  the  wild  Indians.  After  this,  she 
set  up  a  shop  in  the  settlement  I  mentioned  before,  fur 
nished  with  wooden  horses,  humming-tops,  tin  swords, 
and  all  sorts  of  children's  playthings  and  the  like, 
which  the  tenants  had  no  more  use  for  than  they  had 
for  the  old  creature's  accomplishments,  which  I  suspect 
were,  after  all,  but  make-believe ;  for  I  don't  see  how 
an  old  fish-woman  could  come  honestly  by  them,  for 
my  part. 

At  last  she  got  out  of  all  patience  with  these  stub 
born  people,  and  pronounced  them,  as  well  as  I  can 


122  JOHN  BULL   AND 

recollect  hard  words,  incorrigible,  and  utterly  incapa 
ble  of  development.  She  scolded  and  fidgeted  about 
for  some  time,  and  played  the  fine  lady  at  a  great  rate ; 
but  all  in  vain.  Nobody  came  to  flirt  with  her ;  the 
women  persisted  in  going  to  church  instead  of  making 
love  to  other  peoples'  husbands,  and  the  men  contin 
ued  to  spit  against  the  wind,  and  eat  by  sleight  of 
hand,  in  spite  of  all  she  could  say  or  do. 

Finding  they  were  of  such  rough  materials  that  it 
was  impossible  to  make  them  bear  a  polish,  the  old 
creature  one  day  at  a  tea-party  fell  foul  of  them  tooth 
and  nail ;  she  called  them  devotees,  church-goers,  stu 
pid  domestic  drudges  that  did  not  know  the  delights 
of  flirtation;  finikin,  minikin,  mincing,  mock-modest, 
squeamish,  hard-working,  domestic  tabby-cats ;  and  as 
for  the  men,  she  denounced  them  for  a  tobacco-chew 
ing,  spitting,  gouging,  fast-eating,  sling-drinking  set, 
with  heads  like  a  beetle,  and  consciences  so  soft  that 
they  were  afraid  to  make  love  against  law  and  gospel. 
After  this,  she  turned  her  back  on  the  company,  and 
curling  up  her  nose  in  an  agony  of  supercilious  and 
thorough-bred  disgust,  strutted  majestically  out  of  the 
room,  and  made  tracks,  as  the  saying  is,  for  the  an 
cient  manor  of  Bullock,  where  she  arrived  in  due 
season. 

Squire  Bull  was  hugely  delighted  to  see  her  come 
back  again,  and  all  but  kissed  the  old  creature  when 
he  found  what  a  precious  mess  of  scandal  she  had 
manufactured  for  the  edification  of  his  tenants.  He 
got  it  all  printed,  hired  Captain  All  to  swear  it  was 
every  bit  true,  and,  calling  his  tenants  before  him,  thus 
addressed  them :  — 

"  You  see,  my  honest  fellows,  and  be  hanged  to  you, 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  123 

what  a  poor  d — 1  is  my  son  Jonathan,  and  what  mis 
erable,  unpolished,  vulgar  dogs  are  his  tenants.  They 
don't  give  themselves  time  to  eat,  and  —  " 

"  But  then  they  have  plenty  to  eat,"  said  John's 
tenants. 

"  Hold  your  tongues,  you  impudent  varlets,"  said  the 
squire,  in  a  rage,  "  and  hear  what  I  am  going  to  say ; 
I  was  saying,"  —  (here  he  took  out  Madame  Trollope's 
book,  which  it  is  said  Captain  All  wrote  for  her,  and, 
putting  on  his  spectacles,  refreshed  his  memory  by 
looking  over  some  parts  of  it)  —  "  Ah !,  yes,  here  we 
have  it  all  in  black  and  white.  Now  listen,  you  intol 
erable  blockheads.  If  you  go  over  to  my  son  Jona 
than's  farms,  you  will  have  no  flirtations;  you  will 
know  nothing  of  painting,  sculpture,  and  the  fine  arts ; 
you  will  not  be  able  to  get  a  living  by  selling  wooden 
horses,  tin  trumpets,  and  the  like ;  and,  as  for  music, 
they  play  on  the  banjo,  and  sing  nothing  but  the  '  Old 
Hundred '  there.  Now  I,  you  know,  boys,  am  one  of 
the  most  musical  fellows  in  the  world,  and  will  teach 
you  all  to  sing  like  nightingales  —  listen,  you  intoler 
able  blockheads." 

And  then  he  began  to  roar  "  God  save  the  king,"  so 
that  some  of  Jonathan's  tenants  thought  they  heard 
him  quite  across  the  mill-pond,  and  took  it  for  thun 
der.  Upon  this  the  tenants,  who  are  very  loyal  fel 
lows,  began  to  join  chorus,  and  they  had  a  bout  of  it 
among  them. 

"  Now,  my  hearties,"  quoth  the  old  squire,  "  listen 
to  me :  —  if  you  go  over  to  Jonathan's  farms,  you'll 
get  no  music  except  that  of  the  *  Old  Hundred.' " 

"  But  we  can't  live  on  music,"  said  the  tenants. 

"  Hem !  but,  you  egregious  ninnies,  you  don't  see 


124  JOHN  BULL  AND 

the  thing  in  a  right  point  of  view  —  as  I  was  saying, 
you'll  be  able  to  sell  no  wooden  horses  or  tin  trum 
pets." 

"  But  you  know,  squire,  we  don't  make  wooden 
horses  or  tin  trumpets,  and  don't  want  to  sell  them."  . 

"  But,  you  infernal  knaves  —  you  egregious  dodi- 
poles  —  you  gnat-snappers  you — don't  I  tell  you 
there  are  no  churches  in  Jonathan's  farms,  and  that 
his  tenants  only  pay  the  parson  just  what  they  please, 
the  unbelieving  villains ! " 

"  The  very  thing,"  cried  they  all,  with  one  voice. 

"  But  I  tell  you  the  fellow  has  no  more  religion 
than  the  Pope  of  Rome." 

"Just  \vhat  we  want  —  we  have  paid  enough  to 
the  church  and  the  parson,"  cried  they  all  again. 

"  But  I  tell  you,  you  ninnyhammer  gnat-snappers, 
that  —  " 

Here  he  again  had  recourse  to  the  old  creature's 
book,  and  after  turning  over  a  good  number  of  leaves, 
looked  up  to  go  on  with  his  speech,  when  lo !  and 
behold !  his  tenants  had  marched  off  one  and  all,  and 
he  saw  them  half  way  across  the  mill-pond,  paddling 
away  for  life  toward  Jonathan's  farms. 

"  Body  o'  me ! "  exclaimed  the  squire,  "  I  believe 
the  old  boy  is  in  them  all,  for  they  won't  listen  to 
reason." 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  125 


CHAPTER  XXXV. 

How  one  Parson  Fibber  comes  over  to  convert  Jonathan's  tenants  to  the  true 
church,  and  teach  them  some  outlandish  language,  the  name  of  which  I 
have  forgot. 

THERE  was  a  prosing  old  parson  about  Bullock 
Island,  who  sometimes  eked  out  his  living  by  keeping 
a  night-school,  to  teach  some  outlandish  tongue  that 
was  of  no  more  use  to  the  tenants  than  two  tongues 
would  have  been.  He  was  very  much  liked  by  people 
that  go  to  church  to  take  a  comfortable  nap,  but 
among  the  greater  part  of  the  tenants  he  was  reckoned 
a  dull  sort  of  a  fellow  enough.  He  was,  moreover,  a 
sad  hand  at  telling  fibs,  by  which  he  got  the  nickname 
of  Eibber,  though  I  believe  his  real  name -was  Fid 
dler,*  a  droll  name  for  a  parson.  Some  said  he  ought 
to  have  been  called  Bagpipes,  for  he  always  preached 
with  a  mortal  drone. 

Be  this  as  it  may,  Parson  Fibber,  finding  it  rather 
difficult  to  make  both  ends  meet,  and  that  the  tenants 
of  Bullock  Island  had  lost  all  confidence  in  Iris  word, 
so  that  they  would  hardly  believe  the  Scriptures 
when  he  preached  them,  thought  to  himself  he  would 
go  over  to  Jonathan's  farms,  where  he  was  not  so 
well  known,  and  where  he  had  heard  people  were 
mighty  fond  of  taking  a  comfortable  nap  in  church. 
He  expected  to  get  all  at  once  into  a  good  fat  living, 
it  being  one  of  the  thirty-nine  articles  of  belief  I  ' 
spoke  of  in  the  beginning  of  this  history,  that  there 

*  Revd.  Isaac  Fiddler.    Observations  on  Professions,  Literature,  Manners,  \ 

and  Emigration,  in  the  United  States  and  Canada,  made  during  a  residence     ) 

\thereinl882.    London.    1833.    12mo.  —  Attibone's  Dictionary  of  Authors.      J 


126  JOHN  BULL  AND 

were  neither  churches  nor  preachers  in  Jonathan's 
farms.  The  honest  tenants  of  Bullock  Island  did  not 
know  that  there  were  plenty  of  churches,  and  more 
sects  than  churches  by  a  great  deal. 

Parson  Fibber  played  his  bagpipes  all  through  the 
farms,  and  called  aloud  and  spared  not ;  but  he  got 
no  call  for  all  that,  and,  what  was  worse,  Jonathan's 
tenants  demurred  to  learning  the  outlandish  tongue 
which  was  of  no  use  to  them,  being  very  busy  culti 
vating  their  lands,  making  fences,  and  working  like 
brave  fellows,  that  they  might  keep  themselves  and 
their  children  from  coming  upon  the  parish  like  Squire 
Bull's  tenants.  TheyjnQregyer?  one  and  all,  refused 
to  fall  asleep  at  his  sermons,  upon  whiclf  Tie  was  so 
mortified  that  he  turned  his  back  upon  them,  and 
went  ovej  to  Bullock  Island,  where  he  wrote  a  book 
duller  than  one  of  his  own  sermons,  in  which  he 
indulged  himself  wonderfully  in  drawing  the  long 
bow,  and  many  people  thought  outdid  all  his  former 
exploits  in  this  species  of  archery. 

The  squire,  as  usual,  was  hugely  delighted  with 
the  new  batch  of  stories  against  Jonathan,  and,  as  I 
read  in  one  of  the  newspapers  of  Bullock  Island,  pro 
moted  the  parson  to  a  stall,  where  I  suppose  he  was 
allowed  to  eat  oats  with  John's  horses.  He  then  sent 
for  some  of  his  tenants  that  he  heard  were  thinking 
of  going  over  to  Jonathan's  farms,  and  holding  the 
parson's  book  upsidedown  in  his  hand,  began  to  tell 
them  as  follows :  —  0 

"  My  jolly  fellows,  I  hear  you  talk  of  going  over  to 
that  snivelling,  hop-o'-my-thumb  jockey,  my  son  Jona 
than.  Now  I  tell  you  that  you  are  a  parcel  of  block 
heads.  Look  here  — "  and  then  he  read  out  of  the 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  127 

parson's  book,  how  Jonathan's  tenants,  though  they 
all  had  more  or  less  books  in  their  houses,  had  no 
great  libraries  full  of  great  folios  that  not  one  in  a 
hundred  could  read,  and  that  theyjhad  no  more  relig 
ion  than  horses,  for  they  would  not  give  Parson  Fib 
ber  a  good  fat  living  in  reward  for  putting  them  to 
sleep  every  Sunday. 

He  then  took  down  an  old  rusty  key,  which  looked 
as  if  it  had  not  been  used  since  the  invention  of  locks, 
and,  after  worrying  and  swearing  not  a  little  because 
it  was  so  rusty  it  would  not  turn  round,  at  last,  with 
much  ado  opened  a  door,  and  showed  them  a  great 
number  of  big  books  all  covered  with  dust  and  spider- 
webs  and  looking  as  sleepy  as  if  they  had  not  been 
disturbed  for  a  hundred  years.  He  took  down  one, 
and,  brushing  off  the  dust  with  his  coat-sleeve  which 
turned  the  colour  of  a  miller's  frock,  opened  it  and 
tried  to  read;  but,  being  rather  out  of  practice,  he 
only  mumbled  a  little  to  himself  and  shut  it  again. 

"  There,  my  boys,"  cried  he,  snapping  his  fingers, 
"  what  do  you  think  of  that,  hey  ?  aint  I  a  scholar, 
you  great  blockheads  ?  and  yet  you  want  to  sneak 
over  to  my  son  Jonathan,  who,  considering  I  begat 
him,  does  little  credit  to  his  daddy,  and  whose  ten 
ants,  though  they  can  all  read,  write,  and  cipher,  have 
no  great  libraries  like  this,  and,  Parson  Fibber  says, 
don't  understand  Greek  at  all.  You  may  judge  of 
the  value  they  put  upon  learning,  when  it  is  so  cheap 
they  can  get  it  for  nothing !  What  think  you  of  that, 
boys,  hey  ?  " 

"  Get  learning  for  nothing ! "  cried  they  all,  with  one 
voice,  — «  Huzza  for  Brother  Jonathan !  let's  be  off, 
boys,  and  leave  the  squire  to  his  big  books,  which 
nobody,  not  even  himself,  can  understand." 


128  JOHN   BULL  AND 

So  away  they  went,  leaving  John  with  his  book  in 
his  hand,  and  his  spectacles  on  his  nose,  swearing  like 
a  trooper.  He  had  a  great  mind  to  take  Parson  Fib 
ber  from  the  stall,  and  put  one  of  his  horses  in  his 
place  again,  only  he  had  somehow  or  other  got  the 
reputation  of  being  the  great  bulwark  of  the  church, 
and  did  not  like  to  lose  it. 


CHAPTER   XXXVI. 

How  Squire  Bull's  new  wife  was  suspected  of  being  too  great  with  Brother 
Jonathan,  who  it  was  thought  had  put  strange  notions  in  her  head. 

MUCH  about  this  time  John  Bull's  wife  began  to 
talk  to  a  new  tune,  and  take  considerable  liberties 
with  the  old  squire's  household,  which,  she  insisted 
upon  it,  wanted  reforming.  She  told  him  his  house 
was  overrun  with  a  parcel  of  lazy,  good-for-nothing 
servants,  who  set  themselves  up  for  gentlemen, — 
"  Marry,  come  up !  gentlemen  indeed ! ",  would  she 
say :  —  "a  parcel  of  idle,  extravagant,  good-for-noth 
ing  varlets,  that  don't  earn  so  much  as  salt  to  their 
porridge,  and  eat  you  out  of  house  and  home !  I  tell 
you,  John,  if  you  don't  send  one  half  of  them  packing, 
and  make  the  other  half  do  their  duty,  you  are  a  ru 
ined  man.  The  tenants  are  getting  so  poor  that  they 
can't  pay  their  rents,  and  are  going  over  to  Jonathan's 
farms  by  dozens,  while  you  keep  on  spending  away 
and  boasting  of  your  riches,  as  if  you  had  a  mine  of 
gold  in  your  breeches-pocket  instead  of  a  parcel  of 
good-for-nothing  paper-rags,  and  did  not  owe  more 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  129 

than  all  your  estate  would  sell  for  to-morrow.  I  tell 
you,  John  Bull,  you  must  reform  —  reform,  John,  I 
say,  or  you'll  be  a  bankrupt  before  you  know  where 
you  are." 

"  Reform  !"  quoth  the  squire  —  "  Reform !  I'll  be 
switched  if  I  do.  Who  ever  heard  of  a  man  of  my 
age  reforming,  except  when  he  was  on  his  last  legs, 
hey?  Now  I  am  a  hale,  hearty  fellow;  it  will  be 
time  enough  for  me  to  reform,  a  dozen  years  hence." 

Mrs.  Bull  began  to  quiz  John  about  his  legs,  which 
she  said  looked  like  a  pair  of  drumsticks  and  shook 
under  him  every  step  he  walked. 

"  You,  a  hale,  hearty  fellow !  Why,  you  look  like 
an  old,  battered,  worn-out  glutton,  who  has  rolled  into 
a  lump  of  bloated  flesh,  and  cannot  go,  until,  like  a 
clock,  you  have  been  wound  up  every  Sunday  morn 
ing.  Your  dancing  days  are  over,  John." 

"  Are  they,  by  jingo  ?  "  cried  the  squire.  "  I'll  show 
you,  my  dear." 

And  he  tried  to  cut  a  great  caper,  but  was  seized, 
with  such  a  twinge  that  he  roared  out  lustily,  while- 
Mrs.  Bull  laughed  ready  to  split  her  sides. 

"  Well,  my  dear,"  quoth  the  squire,  whom  the 
twinge  had  brought  to  reason,  "  I  believe  I  am  grow* 
ing  a  little  old." 

"  Indeed  are  you,  John ;  and,  as  I  said  before,  it  is 
high  time  for  you  to  think  about  reforming.  You 
have  been  a  sad  fellow  in  your  day,  and  don't  know 
how  soon  you  may  die,  leaving  me  a  disconsolate 
widow,  a  lone  woman  with  nobody  to  care  for  her." 

"  Well,  well,  I'll  think  of  it,  my  dear,"  answered 
John,  whom  the  idea  of  being  near  his  end  had  made 

9 


130  JOHN  BULL   AND 

very  penitent  for  the  time  being,  as  is  the  case  with 
most  people. 

They  parted  for  the  present;  and  John  went  to 
consult  some  of  his  overseers  and  stewards,  of  whom 
he  had  six  times  as  many  as  he  needed.  One  of 
these  cunning  varlets,  who  hated  the  very  ghost  of  re 
form  much  more  than  he  did  the  old  boy  himself, 
thought,  if  he  could  only  make  John  a  little  jealous  of 
his  wife,  he  might  escape  for  this  time.  So  he  began 
to  insinuate  that  Jonathan  had  been  putting  some  of 
his  Yankee  notions  into  her  head ;  and,  as  he  had  be 
gun  by  seducing  his  tenants,  had  ended  by  undermin 
ing  the  virtue  of  his  wife. 

"  You're  right !  —  you're  right !  I  see  it  all  as  plain 
as  daylight,"  cried  the  squire,  throwing  up  his  right 
hand,  and  slapping  his  fat  thigh  with  the  other.  "  The 
unnatural,  infamous,  underhand,  sneaking  son  of  a  — 
hem!  —  not  quite  so  bad  as  that,  either.  But,  if  I 
don't  be  even  with  the  young  rascal,  my  name  is  not 
John  Bull.  And  madam,  too !  I  must  reform !  I'm 
an  old  fellow,  forsooth  —  she's  found  that  out,  has 
she ?  I'm  over  head  and  ears  in  debt,  am  I ?  'I  can't 
walk  without  my  legs  shaking  under  me,'  says  buxom 
Mrs.  Bull.  She's  found  out  the  difference  betwixt  an 
old  fellow  and  a  young  one,  has  she?  No  honest 
woman  could  have  made  the  discovery,  and  be  hanged 
to  her.  But  I'll  be  even  with  them  both.  I'll  chal 
lenge  the  young  rascal,  and  turn  my  wife  out  of 
doors." 

He  was  going  to  set  about  it,  when  the  cunning 
varlet  of  a  steward  reminded  the  squire,  in  the  gen- 
teelest  manner  possible,  of  the  duel  they  had  together 
a  few  years  before :  and  that,  while  the  squire,  (with 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  181 

great  submission),  had  grown  old  since,  and  was 
obliged  to  walk  with  a  stick,  Jonathan  had  been 
waxing  bigger  and  bigger,  and  stronger  and  stronger 
every  day.  He  concluded  by  advising  him,  as  the 
best  mode  of  putting  a  stop  to  the  further  seductions 
of  the  young  villain,  to  hold  him  up  to  the  world,  his 
tenants,  and  his  wife,  as  one  of  the  greatest  rogues 
and  blackguards  in  the  whole  world.  By  this  course 
Jonathan  would  get  such  a  bad  character  that  no  de 
cent  woman  would  dare  to  keep  company  with  him. 

"  Why,  body  o'  me  ! "  quoth  the  squire,  "  haven't  I 
tried  that  already  a  dozen  times?  It  won't  do  —  I 
tell  you  it  won't  do,  for  all  I  can  say  about  that 
young  rascal  only  makes  everybody  fall  in  love  with 
him  the  more.  The  men  all  pull  off  their  hats  to  him, 
and  the  women  run  after  him  like  a  flock  of  sheep. 
Body  o'  me !  I  begin  to  suspect  he  is  a  pretty  decent 
sort  of  a  fellow,  and  in  time  will  come  to  do  credit  to 
the  father  who  begat  him  —  hey  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  replied  the  varlet,  with  a  sneer,  "  you'd 
better  invite  him  over  to  the  manor,  and  give  him  a 
fair  chance  with  the  old  lady." 

This  stung  John  to  the  quick,  and,  after  scratching 
his  head,  chattering  at  random,  and  stamping  about 
like  a  man  in  a  quandary,  he  suddenly  stopped  and 
asked  the  varlet  what  he  should  do.  He  told  the 
squire,  that,  as  to  challenging  Jonathan,  that  would 
be  rather  an  expensive  concern,  and  the  issue  very 
doubtful.  It  might  end  in  a  broken  head  and  an 
empty  pocket.  On  the  whole,  there  was  no  other 
way  than  to  persuade  Mrs.  Bull  that  Jonathan  was 
beneath  her  notice,  being  a  low-lived  simpleton  of  a 
country  bumpkin,  whose  sentiments,  character,  and 


132  JOHN  BULL  AND 

person,  would  disgrace  any  lady  that  kept  company 
with  him. 

"  But  what  shall  I  do  to  keep  my  tenants  from  han 
kering  so  after  Jonathan's  farms,  and  adopting  all  his 
Yankee  notions,  hey  ?  " 

"  Tell  them  that  Jonathan  don't  eat  with  silver 
forks,"  quoth  the  other. 

"  Body  o'  me  !  so  I  will ;  if  that  don't  do  his  busi 
ness,  I'm  mistaken." 


CHAPTER  XXXVII. 

How  Squire  Bull  sent  over  one  Corporal  Smelfungus*  to  smell  out  Jonathan's 
enormities,  and  who  this  corporal  was. 

JOHN  was  determined  this  time  to  be  particular  in 
his  selection  of  a  person  to  do  Jonathan's  business, 
and  leave  him  no  more  character  than  some  people 
that  shall  be  nameless.  Accordingly,  after  consider 
able  search,  he  found  out  a  fellow  called  Smelfungus, 
which  I  have  heard  was  a  nickname,  given  him  on 
account  of  his  always  curling  up  his  nose  as  if  he 
smelt  something  disagreeable.  He  was  one  of  the 
greatest  grumblers  in  the  whole  manor  of  Bullock, 
which  is  full  of  them,  and  never  was  known  to  be 
pleased  with  anybody  or  any  thing  but  himself.  They 
say  he  was  born  grumbling,  and  it  was  foretold  that 
he  would  die  grumbling,  as  his  father  and  mother  did 

*  Captain  Thomas  Hamilton,  R.A.,  author  of  "  Men  and  Manners  in 
America,"  published  in  1833,  is  supposed  to  have  been  in  view  here.  But 
Mr.  Paulding  often  refers  to  one  fictitious  personage  the  characteristics  of, 
or  scandal  connected  with,  several  travellers. 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  133 

before  him.  Such,  indeed,  was  his  propensity  to  this 
amusement,  that,  not  being  able  to  grumble  suffi 
ciently  by  word  of  mouth,  he  learned  to  write,  on 
purpose  that  he  might  grumble  on  paper  at  the  same 
time,  and  thus,  as  it  were,  kill  two  birds  with  one 
stone.  Smelfungus  was  moreover  a  scandalous  dog, 
and  did  not  always  stick  to  the  truth,  though  he  pre 
tended  to  be  a  pious  man,  and  very  much  of  a  gen 
tleman  withal.  For  my  part,  from  what  I  have  heard, 
I  believe  he  was  about  as  much  of  one  as  the  other. 

He  professed  to  be  a  great  stickler  for  good  man 
ners,  though  he  did  not  practice  them  much  himself 
—  a  nice  judge  of  dress,  though  he  was  seldom  seen 
in  a  clean  shirt  —  and  a  great  critic  in  silver  forks,  as 
most  people  admire  what  they  seldom  see.  But  what 
he  most  valued  himself  upon  was  a  certain  air  of 
gentility,  which  he  had  acquired  by  shaving  himself 
once  a  week  before  a  piece  of  a  looking-glass.  Alto 
gether,  he  was  a  poor  creature  enough,  and  only  fit 
for  the  dirty  job  he  was  about  being  employed  in. 
There  are  people  made  for  every  thing,  and  Smelfun 
gus  was  predestined  to  write  libels  on  his  fellow- 
creatures. 

The  squire  opened  his  project  to  Corporal  Smel 
fungus,  who  snapped  at  it  with  a  sort  of  instinctive 
eagerness.  It  was  the  very  thing  he  preferred  above 
all  others.  Then  the  squire  told  him  his  suspicions 
that  Jonathan  had  been  tampering  with  Mrs.  Bull, 
and  that  this  was  the  true  secret  of  her  talking  so 
much  confounded  nonsense  about  reforming  his 
household,  letting  his  tenants  vote  at  town-meetings, 
and  twitting  him  continually  about  Jonathan's  having 
more  money  than  he  knew  how  to  dispose  of,  making 


134  JOHN  BULL   AND 

his  tenants  so  comfortable  that  they  hardly  knew  what 
a  tight  boot  felt  like,  and  doing  more  about  his 
house  with  a  few  smart  hands,  than  he,  Squire  Bull, 
did  with  a  houseful  of  lazy,  lubberly  servants.  He 
said  he  had  caught  her  several  times  casting  a  sheep's 
eye  toward  Jonathan's  farms,  and  quoting  him  as  an 
example  to  his  old  father. 

Smelfungus  hereupon  advised  the  squire  to  get  a 
divorce,  as  he  had  a  right  to  do  by  the  laws  of  the 
manor;  but  John  shook  his  head,  and  said  that  ten 
to  one  he  would  only  get  a  worse  termagant,  for  it 
seemed  to  him  that  the  whole  neighbourhood  was 
infected  with  Jonathan's  example,  and  running  stark 
mad  with  reform.  The  corporal,  who,  like  all  the 
little  varmints  who  sneak  about  rich  old  codgers  such 
as  Squire  Bull  and  live  by  picking  their  pockets, 
hated  the  word  reform  worse  than  poison,  for  fear  it 
should  begin  with  him  —  the  corporal,  I  say,  was  as 
angry  as  a  puddle  in  a  storm,  and  grumbled  out  that 
he  would  soon  do  Jonathan's  business. 

"I'll  leave  him  no  —  no  more  character  —  than  — 
than  —  " 

"  Than  you  have  yourself —  hey,  corporal  ?  "  quoth 
the  squire,  and  fell  into  an  honest,  jolly  laugh,  such  as 
he  used  to  enjoy  in  old  times,  before  he  set  himself  up 
for  a  great  bully,  and  got  over  head  and  ears  in  debt, 
for  the  sake  of  maintaining  his  character  as  a  fine 
gentleman,  to  which  he  had  little  or  no  pretensions. 
He  was,  in  truth,  a  sturdy,  off-hand,  frank  old  fellow 
enough,  except  toward  his  son  Jonathan,  whom,  be 
cause  he  had  begotten  him,  he  thought  he  might 
abuse  as  much  as  he  pleased ;  but  as  to  being  a  fine 
gentleman,  it  was  all  in  my  eye  and  Betty  Martin. 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  135 

Though  he  aped  the  fine  folks  among  his  neighbours, 
he  did  it  so  awkwardly,  that  everybody  said  he  might 
better  stick  to  the  respectable  character  of  a  country 
squire,  hunt  foxes,  live  among  his  tenants  instead  of 
travelling  about  to  learn  how  to  become  a  fine  gentle 
man  forsooth,  and  spend  his  money  among  those  that 
earned  it,  instead  of  throwing  it  away  on  fiddlers, 
dancers,  and  such  like  caterpillars  of  the  common 
wealth. 

But  John  did  not  mind  all  this.  The  greatest  fool 
in  the  world  is  an  old  fool,  for  there  is  no  hope  of  his 
living  to  grow  wiser. 


CHAPTER  XXXVIH. 

How  Corporal  Smelfungus  gloriously  succeeded  in  his  mission,  and  what 
miraculous  effects  his  relation  had  on  Mrs.  Bull  and  the  Squire's  tenants. 

WHEN  Corporal  Smelfungus  got  over  to  Jonathan's 
farms,  that  hospitable  young  fellow  feasted  him  hearti 
ly,  and  showed  him  every  attention,  as  was  his  cus 
tom  toward  strangers,  of  whose  good  word  he  was 
apt  to  think  more  than  it  deserved. 

But  the  corporal  was  determined  beforehand  to  be 
pleased  with  nothing,  being,  as  I  said  before,  set  upon 
undeceiving  Mrs.  Bull  and  the  squire's  tenantry,  and 
rescuing  them  from  Brother  Jonathan's  seductions. 
He  maintained  that  the  former  was  no  better  than 
she  should  be,  and  the  latter  a  parcel  of  drivellers,  to 
think  the  squire  could  learn  any  thing  worth  knowing 
from  such  a  snivelling,  mint-sling  rum-jockey,  who  had 


136  JOHN  BULL  AND 

no  more  manners  than  a  bear,  and  no  more  morals 
than  a  pickpocket. 

He  went  about  raking  up  all  the  old  stories  that 
had  been  hatched  against  Brother  Jonathan  for  a 
hundred  years  past,  and  invented  as  many  more  as 
he  could ;  but  it  was  not  a  great  many,  being  rather  a 
dull  fellow,  with  more  ill-nature  than  wit,  and  more 
malignity  than  invention.  The  truth  is,  he  was  not  a 
little  put  to  it  to  find  matter  for  running  down  Jona 
than.  His  tenants  were  so  well  off,  their  rents  so  low, 
and  they  had  such  a  plenty  to  eat  and  drink,  that  the 
corporal  did  not  know  exactly  where  to  take  hold 
of  him,  and  was  obliged  to  turn  up  his  nose  at  the 
merest  trifles,  for  want  of  something  better. 

One  day,  being  at  breakfast  at  a  tavern,  he  luckily 
saw  a  mustard-pot  upset  on  the  table,  upon  which  he 
noted  it  down  carefully,  that  Jonathan  could  never 
eat  his  meals  without  upsetting  all  the  mustard,  and 
did  not  know  how  to  behave  like  a  gentleman. 

The  next  thing  he  did  was  to  find  fault  with  the 
great  size  of  Jonathan's  beefsteaks,  which  he  swore 
were  as  big  as  newspapers,  and  enough  to  take  away 
a  man's  stomach  to  look  at.  But  what  was  worse 
than  all  this,  he  had  no  silver  forks  at  his  table,  and 
none  but  barbarians  could  eat  without  silver  forks. 

Happening  to  see  a  young  fellow  who  was  an 
officer  in  the  militia,  in  his  everyday  clothes,  wearing 
a  dirk  to  show  he  was  a  soldier,  the  corporal  put  it 
down  in  his  memorandum-book  that  all  Jonathan's 
tenants  wore  dirks,  and  did  not  mind  killing  a  neigh 
bour  any  more  than  they  did  murdering  the  squire's 
English,  as  he  called  it.  Every  man  he  saw  that  had 
but  one  eye,  he  concluded  had  been  gouged  to  a  cer- 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  137 

tainty ;  and  if  any  one  happened  to  ask  him  the  hour, 
instead  of  pulling  out  his  turnip  and  answering  him 
in  a  civil  manner,  he  set  him  down  as  an  impertinent, 
guessing,  inquisitive  Yankee,  as  Jonathan's  tenants 
were  commonly  called.  But  he  did  not  tell  them  so 
to  their  faces,  for  fear  of  being  gouged. 

There  was  an  old  joke,  got  up  in  a  good-humoured 
way,  about  some  of  Jonathan's  tenants  away  Down 
East  selling  wooden  nutmegs,  and  playing  other  such 
pranks  upon  the  people  of  Southlands;  this  the  cor 
poral  got  hold  of,  for  he  was  very  industrious  in  pick 
ing  up  such  things,  and  thereupon  set  down  the  peo 
ple  Down  East  as  a  parcel  of  rogues. 

Sometimes  he  employed  himself  whole  days  count 
ing  how  many  times  the  people  spit ;  and  again  he 
would  stand  with  his  watch  in  his  hand,  calculating 
how  many  minutes  they  were  in  swallowing  their 
dinner,  and  how  many  times  they  drank  at  their 
meals  ;  or  would  listen  to  the  free,  off-hand  talking  of 
the  tenants,  to  find  out  whether  they  spoke  good 
grammar ;  and,  whenever  he  got  a  chance,  he  would 
peep  into  the  bedchambers,  to  see  if  they  had  any 
clean  towels,  combs,  wash-hand  basins,  and  proper 
conveniences  under  the  bed.  Happening  to  find  a 
dirty  napkin  one  day  in  a  miserable  tavern,  in  a  room 
without  a  comb,  he  snapped  his  fingers  in  triumph, 
and  swore  Jonathan's  tenants  did  not  know  what 
clean  napkins  were,  and  combed  their  hair  with  curry 
combs.  When  he  could  find  nothing  to  set  him  going, 
he  scratched  his  pate,  and  passed  his  time  grumbling 
about  democratic  licentiousness,  and  universal  suf 
frage.  All  this  he  caUed  speculating,  generalizing,  and 
philosophizing. 


138  JOHN   BULL   AND 

Having  a  great  taste,  like  most  of  Squire  Bull's 
tenants,  for  seeing  people  hanged,  he  went  all  through 
Jonathan's  farms  to  find  out  a  gallows,  and  being  dis 
appointed  in  his  search,  relieved  his  mortification  by 
putting  down  in  his  memorandums  that  there  was  no 
such  thing  as  punishing  a  criminal,  and  that  it  re 
quired  great  interest  to  get  hanged  there.  All  this 
time  he  was  feasting  and  carousing  it  lustily  among 
the  tenants,  who  little  thought  they  had  an  ill-natured, 
grumbling,  tattling  curmudgeon  among  them,  spying 
out  their  little  oddities,  and  inventing  scandals  when 
he  could  not  find  any  ready  made  to  his  hands.  Once 
or  twice,  indeed,  he  got  taken  down  pretty  handsome- , 
ly.  The  first  time  was  when  he  attempted  to  walk 
over  a  dinner-table,  to  show  his  breeding;  and  the 
next  when  he  undertook  to  sprawl  himself  at  full 
length  on  a  sofa,  among  some  of  Jonathan's  ladies. 
These  little  rubs  only  made  him  ten  times  the  more 
spiteful,  and  he  paid  poor  Jonathan  off  in  his  memo 
randums. 

When  he  had  collected  together  all  the  scandal  and 
tittle-tattle,  and  pumped  out  of  the  old  women  all  the 
private  anecdotes  they  had  stored  up  for  fifty  years 
past,  he  went  back  to  Bullock  Island,  chuckling  at  his 
great  success,  and  thinking  to  himself  how  he  should 
stump  Mrs.  Bull,  and  the  drivellers  who  had  been 
seduced  by  Brother  Jonathan  into  an  admiration  of 
his  parts  and  an  imitation  of  his  Yankee  notions. 

"  Well,  corporal,"  cried  the  squire,  as  soon  as  he 
laid  eyes  on  him  —  "well,  my  fine  fellow,  have  you 
dished  that  rebellious  rogue,  my  son  Jonathan  —  hey, 
baby  ?  Come,  let's  see  what  you  have  got ;  out  with  it, 
my  hearty ! "  —  and  he  rubbed  his  hands,  in  expectation 
of  a  high  treat  from  the  corporal's  muster-roll. 


BROTHER   JONATHAN.  139 

Corporal  Smelfungus  thereupon  pulled  out  a  whole 
bundle  of  smutty  paper,  (for  he  was  rather  a  dirty  little 
fellow,  and  always  carried  his  snuff  in  his  breeches- 
pocket),  and  began  to  read  off  what  he  had  set  down, 
in  a  pompous  manner,  as  though  it  had  been  well 
worth  hearing,  the  squire  all  the  time  rubbing  his 
hands,  snapping  his  fingers,  and  drinking  the  corpo 
ral's  health  every  two  minutes. 

"  Body  o'  me ! "  he  would  cry  out  every  now  and 
then,  "body  o'  me!  what  will  Madam  Bull  say  to 
that,  and  what  will  those  great  blockheads,  my  ten 
ants,  think  of  this.  By  George,  corporal,  but  I  think 
this  will  do  the  business,  and  put  an  end  to  Master 
Jonathan's  seductions."  Then  would  he  strut  about 
the  room,  the  corporal  following,  and  ever  and  anon 
having  a  fling  at  honest  Jonathan  out  of  his  memo 
randums.  After  this,  nothing  would  do  but  he  must 
go  to  his  wife  and  tell  her  all  about  it. 

The  good  lady  was  a  little  stumped  at  Jonathan's 
having  no  silver  forks,  though,  for  the  matter  of  that, 
it  was  but  a  little  while  since  the  squire  had  begun  to 
use  them  at  great  doings  and  holidays.  All  the  rest 
of  the  time  he  kept  them  locked  up,  for  fear  his  ser 
vants  would  steal  them,  I  suppose.  Women,  I  have 
observed,  think  a  great  deal  of  such  matters  ;  and  the 
very  hardest  thing  they  can  say  of  a  man  is,  that  he 
is  not  genteel.  Men  don't  mind  these  trifles  so  much, 
except  in  so  far  as  they  approach  to  the  feelings  and 
habits  of  women.  Mrs.  Bull  thought  to  herself  it  was 
better  to  have  silver  forks  and  nothing  to  eat  with 
them,  than  to  have  plenty  of  victuals  and  no  silver 
forks.  Jonathan,  therefore,  began  rapidly  to  fall  from 
her  good  graces. 


140  JOHN  BULL  AND 

As  the  corporal  proceeded  to  read  how  Jonathan 
swallowed  his  meat  without  chewing  it,  piled  up  his 
bones  by  the  side  of  his  plate  instead  of  picking  them 
like  a  gentleman,  and  combed  his  hair  with  a  curry 
comb,  Mrs.  Bull  began  to  make  wry  faces ;  but  when, 
by  way  of  a  top-off,  the  corporal  read  out  in  an  audi 
ble  voice  how  Jonathan  cracked  his  eggs  at  the  wrong 
end,  she  gave  a  loud  shriek,  and  fell  into  the  squire's 
arms  in  a  fit.  When  she  came  to  again,  she  gave  the 
squire  a  hearty  smack,  and  promised  faithfully  to  have 
no  more  to  say  to  a  fellow  that  had  no  silver  forks, 
and  broke  his  eggs  at  the  wrong  end. 

"  By  the  glory  of  my  ancestors,"  cried  John,  "  but 
you're  the  man  for  my  money,  after  all,  corporal. 
What  shah1  I  do  for  you,  my  brave  fellow,  hey  ?  Hum 
—  ha  —  I  have  it.  I'll  make  you  superintendent  of 
the  Bridewell,  and  you  shall  teach  the  bad  women  to 
be  genteel."  The  corporal  kissed  his  hand  as  in  duty 
bound. 

"  But,  body  o'  me ! "  said  the  squire,  after  a  little 
while,  "  now  we've  done  the  old  woman's  business, 
let  us  go  and  get  my  rascally  tenants  out  of  Jona 
than's  seductions." 

Accordingly,  they  went  round  among  them,  the 
corporal  all  the  while  reading  out  of  his  muster-roll  of 
dirty  paper,  until  they  got  a  great  crowd  about  them. 

"  There,  there ! "  said  the  squire,  when  they  came  to 
the  silver  forks ;  "  what  think  you  of  that,  you  discon 
tented  blockheads,  hey  ?  " 

"  Silver  forks ! "  said  the  tenants ;  "  we  never  saw 
any  in  the  whole  course  of  our  lives;  and,  for  the 
matter  of  that,  we  don't  care  what  sort  of  forks  we 
have  if  you  will  only  allow  us  enough  to  eat." 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  141 

u  Body  o'  me ! "  said  the  squire,  "  what  a  set  of 
blockheads!" 

Then  the  corporal  came  to  cracking  the  eggs ;  the 
squire  again  rubbed  his  hands,  and  cried  out  — 

"  There,  boys,  there !  What  think  you  of  that, 
hey?" 

"  We  avent  heaten  hany  heggs  these  ten  years. 
They  hall  go  to  the  parson  and  the  landlord,"  replied 
they. 

"  Hum ! "  said  the  squire. 

But  when  the  corporal  came  to  the  beefsteaks,  they 
all  cried  out  in  astonishment  — 

"  Beefsteaks  as  big  as  newspapers !  Come,  boys, 
let's  be  off."  And  away  they  scampered,  shouting  — 

"  Huzza  for  Brother  Jonathan  and  his  big  beef 
steaks  ! " 

The  squire  looked  askance  at  the  corporal,  and  the 
corporal  at  the  squire. 

"  Corporal,"  quoth  John,  "  either  I'm  a  numskull  or 
my  tenants  are  the  greatest  blockheads  in  existence." 

"  That's  as  clear  as  preaching,"  quoth  the  corporal ; 
and  away  he  went  to  take  possession  of  his  office. 


CHAPTER  XXXIX. 

How  Brother  Jonathan  got  out  of  patience  sometimes  with  the  Squire,  and 
scolded  back  again  pretty  handsomely. 

WHEN  Jonathan,  who  never  failed  to  buy  all  the 
books  put  forth  by  these  rogues,  for  he  had  a  great 
curiosity  to  hear  what  other  folks  said  of  him  —  when 


142  JOHN  BULL  AND 

Jonathan,  I  say,  saw  how  John  Bull  had  clapper 
clawed  his  character,  he  got  out  of  all  patience,  and 
would  often  exclaim  — 

"  I'll  be  darned  if  this  old  father  of  mine  isn't  a 
little  too  bad  by  half.  Here  he  is  palavering  me  every 
day  of  his  life,  and  telling  me  he  wants  to  be  friends ; 
and  yet  he  does  nothing  but  get  his  plaguy  school 
masters  and  old  women  to  abuse  me  like  a  pick-pocket. 
I'll  be  switched  if  I  don't  be  even  with  him,  or  my 
name  isn't  Jonathan." 

And  then  he  fell  to  work,  putting  it  into  the  squire 
pretty  handsomely,  swearing  he  was  the  biggest  liar 
that  ever  broke  bread,  and  contradicting  all  John  said 
of  him,  with  such  zeal  that  he  sometimes  denied  what, 
to  my  mind,  was  very  much  to  his  credit. 

The  truth  is,  that  Jonathan,  who  had  now  grown  to 
be  pretty  much  of  a  man,  and  carried  his  head  some 
thing  high  in  the  neighbourhood,  though  a  fine,  vigor 
ous,  well-looking  young  dog  as  ever  was  seen,  and 
withal  a  shrewd,  sensible,  high-spirited  fellow,  had  a 
bad  habit  of  imitating  Squire  Bull  in  almost  every 
thing  he  did,  whether  good,  bad,  or  indifferent.  It 
was  enough  for  him  that  John  Bull  did  this,  and  said 
that  —  that  he  dressed  after  such  and  such  a  fashion, 
and  held  such  and  such  opinions  —  he  was  pretty  sure 
to  talk,  and  think,  and  dress,  and  do  every  thing,  just 
like  the  squire,  without  once  reflecting  that  what  might 
be  well  enough  for  an  old  superannuated  fellow  like 
Bull,  was  the  last  thing  becoming  in  a  sprightly,  vigo 
rous,  springall,  who  never  took  a  dose  of  physic  in 
his  life,  and  could  jump  over  a  six-rail  fence  without 
touching.  All  this  never  once  came  into  his  head; 
and  indeed  it  was  natural  enough  that  he  should  take 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  143 

after  bis  old  dad,  though,  to  say  truth,  he  never  re 
ceived  much  kindness  at  his  hands,  and  owed  him 
more  for  kicks  than  coppers. 

But,  I  must  say,  I  should  have  liked  Jonathan  much 
better  had  he  made  use  of  his  own  gumption  in  these 
matters,  and  not  aped  the  old  squire  in  all  his  follies, 
at  the  same  time  he  was  bragging  that  he  didn't  care 
a  brass  farthing  for  him  or  his  opinions.  I  always 
thought  it  showed  a  want  of  spirit  in  Jonathan,  for 
whose  good  name  I  would  at  any  time  lay  down  my 
life,  seeing  I  owe  all  I  have  in  the  world  to  his  liber 
ality  and  kindness  as  a  landlord.  If  he  could  only 
get  over  this  disgraceful  foible,  and  have  an  opinion 
of  his  own,  he  would  be  thought  much  better  of  by 
all  his  neighbours.  But  he  was  always  setting  him 
self  up  for  a  fine  gentleman,  forsooth,  and  tacking 
Squire  or  Honourable  to  his  name,  instead  of  passing 
for  an  honest  and  independent  farmer,  as  in  reality 
he  was. 

Be  this  as  it  may,  Jonathan  paid  the  squire  back  as 
good  as  he  sent,  and  called  him  as  many  hard  names 
as  John  called  him,  which  indeed  was  somewhat  ex 
cusable,  as  the  squire  always  began  first,  and,  if  he 
had  held  his  tongue,  everybody  might  have  thought 
all  Bull  said  of  him  was  gospel.  It  was  almost  a 
pity  to  see  such  near  relations,  each  of  whom  had  a 
great  many  good  points  about  him,  cutting  at  one 
another  at  such  a  cruel  rate ;  and  yet  one  could  not 
help  laughing  to  see  John  Bull,  who  ten  times  a  day 
called  Jonathan  a  lying,  cheating,  spitting,  gouging, 
guessing,  drinking,  republican  sinner,  complaining  of 
him  for  an  ungrateful  rascal,  because  he  did  not  love 
his  daddy.  "  Did  I  not  beget  the  villain  with  my  own 


144  JOHN  BULL  AND 

hand  ?  "  would  he  say ;  "  and  did  I  not  physic  him  with 
a  dose  of  patent  medicine,  made  up  of  thirty-nine 
excellent  articles,  each  one  enough  to  cure  a  saint? 
and  did  I  not  pay  special  attention  to  his  safety  when 
he  got  to  be  big  enough  to  take  care  of  himself?  and 
didn't  I,  out  of  pure  fatherly  affection,  keep  him  short 
of  pocket-money,  that  he  might  not  run  into  mischief? 
and  didn't  I  allow  him  to  set  up  for  himself  when  I 
couldn't  help  it  ?  and  don't  I  every  day  of  my  life  act 
the  part  of  a  kind  parent,  by  telling  the  upstart  young 
puppy  of  his  faults,  as  in  duty  bound  ?  and  didn't  I 
beget  him  ?  Let  him  answer  me  that,  the  good-for- 
nothing,  drinking,  cheating,  spitting,  gouging,  guess 
ing,  fighting,  talking,  bragging,  disobedient,  ungrate 
ful  young  varlet ! " 

The  squire  forgot  that  Jonathan  had  too  much  of 
the  Bull  blood  in  him  to  play  the  spaniel,  and  crouch 
the  more,  the  more  you  kicked  him.  He  might  be 
coaxed  by  kindness  to  lick  your  hand,  but  it  would 
have  taken  even  a  stouter  fellow  than  the  squire,  who 
was  no  chicken,  to  frighten  or  beat  him  into  it. 

In  this  situation  were  the  affairs  of  Squire  Bull 
and  Brother  Jonathan,  the  last  I  heard  of  them.  Now 
and  then  they  were  mighty  civil,  and  sometimes,  when 
the  old  squire  was  in  a  rare  good-humour,  he  would 
boast  that  never  man  had  such  a  lusty,  swaggering 
boy  as  Jonathan ;  and  occasionally  Jonathan  would 
almost  believe  the  old  man  had  forgiven  him.  But 
before  the  civil  words  were  well  out  of  John's  mouth, 
his  old  habit  would  come  over  him,  as  it  were  in 
spite  of  his  teeth,  of  which,  to  be  sure,  he  hadn't  any 
to  spare ;  and  then,  phew !,  Jonathan  got  the  old  grist 
about  his  ears,  and  became  again  a  spitting,  guessing, 


BROTHER  JONATHAN.  145 

gouging,  cheating,  bragging,  cowardly,  ill-bred,  ill- 
begotten,  ill-favoured,  ungrateful,  rebellious  Yankee 
Doodle  rascal. 

All  the  while  the  neighbours  stood  looking  on, 
laughing  to  see  them  pulling  one  another  to  pieces  in 
this  way,  while  the  more  sensible  sort  shook  their 
heads,  and  observed  THAT  SQUIRE  BULL  AND  BROTHER 
JONATHAN  WERE  TOO  MUCH  ALIKE  EVER  TO  BE  RIGHT- 
DOWN  GOOD  FRIENDS. 


10 


JOHIST    BULL    IN    AMERICA; 

OR, 

THE    NEW    MUNCHAUSEN. 


INTRODUCTION 


TO 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 


IN  1825,  thirteen  years  after  the  first  publication  of  "  John 
Bull  and  Brother  Jonathan",  Mr.  Paulding  brought  out 
"  John  Bull  in  America ;  or,  The  New  Munchausen  ".  This 
is  an  example  of  his  rapidity  of  composition,  it  having  been 
written  (as  he  states  in  a  letter  to  Irving)  in  three  weeks' 
time,  and  in  the  midst  of  serious  distraction.  It  is  a  bur 
lesque  of  the  rabble  of  English  travellers  in  this  country; 
but,  high  as  is  the  coloring,  no  person  who  has  not  waded 
through  a  certain  amount  of  the  trash  in  question  can  esti 
mate  how  little  of  a  caricature  it  is,  nor  how  richly  the  good- 
humored  castigation  was  deserved. 

It  is  perhaps  worth  while  to  give  an  idea  of  the  sort  of 
matter  that  Mr.  Paulding  exaggerates.  But  there  is  such  a 
wealth  of  absurdity  in  the  English  Travels  and  Periodicals 
of  the  early  part  of  this  century  when  treating  of  these 
United  States,  that  I  scarcely  know  where  to  begin  my  quo 
tations.  However,  I  will  strike  at  random,  and  open  with  one 
Thomas  Ashe,  Esquire,  or  Captain  Ashe,  as  he  is  sometimes 
styled,  who  "  performed  "  or  pretended  to  have  "  performed  " 
some  " Travels  in  America",  in  1806.  Mr.  Paulding,  in  his 
"  Sketch  of  Old  England,  by  a  New  England  man",  intimates 

[1491 


150  INTRODUCTION  TO 

that  Ashe  cooked  up  his  tour  at  home,  without  having  visited 
this  country ;  while  Mr.  Henry  T.  Tuekerman,  (who,  in  his 
"  America  and  her  Commentators ",  has  made  a  specialty  of 
this  branch  of  inquiry),  seems  to  accept  it  as  in  good  faith. 
In  a  review  in  The  North  American,  Vol.  XIX.,  attributed 
to  Edward  Everett,  he  is  styled  "the  swindler,  Ashe". 
Whether  he  was  ever  here  or  not,  there  appeared  in  London, 
in  1808,  a  book  of  travels  by  Captain  Thomas  Ashe.  There 
were,  says  Mr.  Tuckerman,  three  volumes  of  the  English 
edition.  A  Newburyport  reprint  of  the  same  year,  in  one 
volume,  in  which  the  work  is  credited  to  "  Thomas  Ashe, 
Esq.",  is  now  before  me.  It  is  in  the  shape  of  letters.  The 
italics  in  the  extracts  I  make  are  the  author's,  and  the  punctu 
ation  is  as  printed. 

In  the  first  two  pages  he  effectually  does  the  business  of 
the  whole  American  people  and  their  country :  — 

"  The  American  States  through  which  I  have  passed,  are 
unworthy  of  your  observation.  Those  to  the  north-east  are 
indebted  to  nature  for  but  few  gifts :  they  are  better  adapted 
for  the  business  of  grazing  than  for  corn.  The  climate  is 
equally  subject  to  the  two  extremes  of  burning  heat  and  ex 
cessive  cold ;  and  bigotry,  pride,  and  a  malignant  hatred  to 
the  mother  country,  characterize  the  inhabitants.  The  mid 
dle  States  are  less  contemptible :  they  produce  grain  for 
exportation ;  but  wheat  requires  much  labour,  and  is  liable 
to  blast  on  the  sea-shore.  The  national  features  here  are  not 
strong,  and  those  of  different  emigrants  have  not  yet  composed 
a  face  of  local  deformity :  we  still  see  the  liberal  English,  the 
ostentatious  Scotch,  the  warm-hearted  Irish,  the  penurious 
Dutch,  the  proud  German,  the  solemn  Spaniard,  the  gaudy 
Italian,  and  the  profligate  French.  What  kind  of  character 
is  hereafter  to  arise  from  an  amalgamation  of  such  discord 
ant  materials,  I  am  at  a  loss  to  conjecture. 

"  For  the  southern  States,  nature  has  done  much,  but  man 
little.  Society  is  here  in  a  shameful  degeneracy ;  an  addi- 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  151 

tional  proof  of  the  pernicious  tendency  of  those  detestable 
principles  of  political  licentiousness,  which  are  not  only  ad 
verse  to  the  enjoyment  of  practical  liberty,  and  to  the  exist 
ence  of  regular  authority,  but  destructive  also  of  comfort  and 
security  in  every  class  of  society ;  doctrines  here,  found  by 
experience,  to  make  men  turbulent  citizens,  abandoned  Chris 
tians,  inconstant  husbands,  unnatural  fathers,  and  treacherous 
friends.  I  shun  the  humiliating  delineation,  and  turn  my 
thoughts  to  happier  regions  which  afford  contemplation  with 
out  disgust ; "  &c.  —  LETTER  I.  pp.  11-12. 

At  Pittsburg  he  meets  with  some  little  relief  to  his 
harassed  feelings :  — 

"  The  principal  inhabitants  of  Pittsburg  are  Irish,  or  of 
Irish  origin ;  this  accounts  for  the  commercial  spirit  of  the 
place,  and  the  good-breeding  and  hospitality  which  in  general 

prevail  throughout  it The  influence  of  these  and 

many  other  gentlemen  of  similar  sentiments,  is  very  favour 
able  to  the  town ;  and  has  hindered  the  vicious  propensities 
of  the  genuine  American  character,  from  establishing  here 
the  horrid  dominion  which  they  have  assumed  over  the  At 
lantic  States."  —  LETTER  in.  p.  26. 

He  discusses  American  statesmen :  — 

"  There  are  in  America  no  real  politicians ;  the  speeches 
you  see  in  papers  are  made  by  Irish  and  Scotch  journalists, 
who  attend  the  Congress  and  Senate  merely  to  take  the  spirit 
of  their  proceedings  and  clothe  it  with  a  language  interesting 
to  read."  —  LETTER  vn.  p.  65. 

At  Wheeling  he  sups  full  of  horrors,  and  is  "  stuffed  "  con 
siderably  by  various  parties.  He  gives  a  graphic  account  of 
a  rough-and-tumble  fight  between  a  "  Kentuckyan "  and  a 
"  Virginian  ",  in  which  all  forms  of  mayhem  play  a  conspicu 
ous  part ;  and,  on  applying  to  a  "  quaker  friend  "  with  whom 
he  dines,  receives  this  cold  comfort :  — 


152  INTRODUCTION  TO 

"  As  to  the  savage  practice  of  fighting  in  the  manner  of 
wild  beasts,  my  host  entertained  no  hopes  whatever  of  ever 
seeing  it  put  down.  It  might  be  called  a  national  taste, 
which  the  laws  appeared  afraid  to  violate ;  and  therefore  it 
reared  its  head  above  authority.  Few  nights  elapsed  with 
out  the  exhibition  of  this  new  gymnastic;  few  mornings 
appeared  that  did  not  bring  to  day  a  friend  or  acquaintance 
with  the  loss  of  an  eye,  or  the  mutilation  of  half  his  features. 
Alarmed  at  this  account,  I  asked  whether  this  kind  of  con 
duct  spread  down  the  river." 

The  quaker  friend  gives  him  rather  a  blue  look  ahead :  — 

"  I  again  demanded  how  a  stranger  was  to  distinguish  a 
good  from  a  vicious  house  of  entertainment  ?  I  was  answered, 
by  previous  inquiry,  or,  if  that  was  impracticable,  a  tolerable 
judgment  could  be  formed,  from  observing  in  the  landlord, 
a  possession,  or  an  absence  of  ears :  many  of  the  proprietors 
of  small  inns  being  men  who  had  left  those  members  nailed 
to  certain  penitential  market  crosses  in  Maryland,  Pennsyl 
vania,  and  the  Carolinas,  in  lieu  of  certain  horses  and  cattle 
of  which  they  had  from  time  to  time  become  the  illegal  own 
ers.  Furnished  with  these  useful  instructions,  I  left  my  kind 
entertainer,  and  retired  to  my  inn  with  a  view  of  passing  a 
peaceable  night.  It  was  not  so  ordained."  —  LETTER  xi.  pp. 
96-100. 

For  why  ?  Because  there  is  a  ball  that  night  in  the  tav 
ern,  and,  of  course,  a  row.  He  gets  up  to  see  what  the  diffi 
culty  is.  It  is  soon  composed,  the  fight  being  transferred  to 
out  of  doors. 

"  Though  it  was  by  this  time  far  advanced  in  the  night, 
and  I  felt  no  disposition  to  retire  to  rest ;  my  mind  was  too 
much  agitated  and  full,  to  benefit  by  a  too  sudden,  or  forced 
repose ;  and  I  preferred  the  conversation  of  mine  host  one 
half-hour  longer.  It  turned  on  the  events  of  the  day,  and 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  153 

the  evening  amusement.  He  very  candidly  admitted  all  I 
said  in  favour  of  more  civilized  recreations ;  and  even  went 
so  far  as  to  tell  me  a  variety  of  anecdotes,  which  from  a  re 
spect  for  human  nature,  I  suppress." 

He  however  narrates  a  story  told  and  described  by  the 
landlord  as  "  out  of  the  common,  and  rather  of  a  melancholy 
kind."  The  landlord  is  pathetic. 

"  I  could  hear  no  more,  the  Virginian  himself  was  moved. 
I  ordered  a  light,  and  gaining  my  chamber  cast  myself  on  a 
bed  to  rest :  yet  not  before  I  cursed  the  ferocity  of  manners 
which  reigns  in  this  place,  and  which  caused  the  eternal 
wretchedness  and  misery  of  an  object  so  amiable  and  instruct 
ing  as  my  landlord's  Maria.  It  is  intolerable.  It  is  infamous. 
Farewell,  you  can  account  for  my  abrupt  conclusion."  — 
LETTER  xi.  pp.  101-102. 

Of  course.  As  Yellowplush  expresses  it,  his  "feelinx" 
were  too  much  for  him. 

In  LETTER  xx.,  p.  186.,  and  elsewhere,  he  is  much  dis 
gusted  with  "  great  barrens,  swamps,  wildernesses,  and  cane- 
breaks,"  (so  he  spells  the  word),  "pregnant  with  putridity 
and  disease."  They  must  have  been  bold  fellows  who  ven 
tured  to  this  "  land  of  promise  "  after  reading  that. 

At  Paris,  Kentucky,  he  is  much  affronted  by  a  landlady 
who  gives  him  a  much  better  breakfast  than  he  wants,  for 
which  and  the  morning  feed  of  his  horse  she  charges  him,  as 
far  as  can  be  made  out  from  his  account,  twenty-five  cents. 

"  I  asked  her  what  was  to  pay,  and  cast  a  dollar  upon  the 
table,  enraged  at  the  low  state  of  some  minds,  their  attach 
ment  to  wrong,  and  determination  to  persist  in  evil  and  dull 
habits,  which  they  know  to  be  adverse  to  their  prosperity  and 
improvement."  —  LETTER  xx.  p.  190. 

He  compliments  the  ladies  of  Lexington,  Kentucky, — 
after  a  fashion. 


154  INTRODUCTION   TO 

"  The  women  are  fair  and  florid  —  many  of  them  might 
be  considered  as  rude  beauties,  but  none  of  them  have  any 
pretensions  to  that  chaste  and  elegant  form  of  person  and 
countenance  which  distinguish  our  countrywomen  and  other 
ladies  of  Europe.  The  absence  of  that  irresistible  grace  and 
expression  may  be  attributed  to  their  distance  from  improved 
society,  and  to  the  savage  taste  and  vulgarity  of  the  men." 
—  LETTER  xxi.  p.  192. 

Thomas  Ashe,  Esquire,  now  descends  the  Ohio  and  Missis 
sippi  rivers,  meeting  on  the  way  with  some  astounding  adven 
tures  not  to  the  present  purpose,  and  closes  his  account  of 
the  country  in  LETTER  XLII.,  from  New  Orleans,  in  rather  an 
unexpected  way,  not  favouring  us  with  a  resume  of  his  obser 
vations  and  deductions.  Perhaps  it  may  fairly  be  assumed 
that  he  considers  that  he  has  settled  us  in  the  beginning. 

Richard  Parkinson,  author  of  the  "  Experienced  Farmer  ", 
and  "  late  of  Orange  Hill,  near  Baltimore ",  published  two 
volumes  in  London,  in  1805,  under  the  title  of  "A  Tour  in 
America  in  1798,  1799,  and  1800,  exhibiting  sketches  of 
Society  and  Manners,  and  a  particular  account  of  the  Ameri 
can  system  of  Agriculture,  with  its  recent  improvements." 

In  his  "  Introduction  "  he  states  that  he  came  over  the  sea 
with  the  intention  of  renting  a  portion  of  General  Washing 
ton's  land,  and  "  speculated  ",  i.e.  expected,  "  to  make  a  rapid 
fortune  " ;  but  —  finding  that  the  General's  soil  produced  only 
"  two  to  three  bushels  of  wheat  per  acre ",  and  discovering 
(Tour,  p.  52.)  "no  stem  [of  oats]  with  more  than  four  grains, 
and  these  of  a  very  light  and  bad  quality,  such  as  I  had 
never  seen  before :  the  longest  straw  was  of  about  twelve 
inches  "  —  he  very  naturally,  "  as  money  was  my  object ",  was 
rather  disappointed,  and  "  found  myself  compelled  to  treat 
him  [the  General]  with  a  great  deal  of  frankness."  Per 
haps  he  talked  to  him,  as  the  farce  has  it,  "  like  a  father  ". 

"The  General  .  .  .      seemed  at  first  not  to  be  pleased 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  155 

with  my  conversation";  but,  when  he  had  left  the  room, 
Colonel  Lear  who  had  been  present  "did  me  the  honour 
to  say  I  was  the  only  man  he  ever  knew  to  treat  General 
Washington  with  frankness."  I  presume  if  for  frankness  we 
read  impertinence  we  shall  get  something  like  the  truth. 

On  page  15.  of  Tour  he  says,  "  I  take  up  my  pen,  therefore, 
to  write  the  following  pages,  free  from  all  unfounded  preju 
dices  against  America"  ;  but  on  page  16.  he  makes  the  broad 
assertion  —  "notwithstanding  the  low  price  at  which  the 
American  lands  are  sold,  the  poverty  of  the  soil  is  such,  as  to 
make  it  not  to  pay  for  labour  " ;  —  and,  on  page  26  :  —  "  The 
produce  is  so  small  and  the  expense  so  great,  that  I  never 
saw  any  land  worth  having  in  America  ". 

On  his  way  up  the  Potomac  he  is  invited  to  dinner  by  a 
Mr.  Grimes,  who  treats  him  very  civilly  and  returns  him 
safely  to  his  vessel.  "  After  Mr.  Grimes  was  gone,  the  pilot 
on  board  the  ship  said,  '  Sir,  you  have  come  off  very  well 
with  your  friend  Grimes  ;  you  have  got  back  alive :  he  some 
times  shoots  his  friends  when  they  do  not  please  him.'  I 
found  this  to  be  true,"  &c.  TOUR.  pp.  46-52.  One  would 
think  it  had  been  Hop-o'-my-thumb  visiting  an  ogre. 

On  arriving  at  Mount  Vernon,  Washington  being  absent, 
Mr.  Parkinson  becomes  forthwith  very  thick  with  the  steward, 
who  "  even  told  me  many  unpleasant  tales  of  the  General", 
&c.  — TOUR.  p.  53. 

This  will  do  for  Parkinson.  His  work,  besides  being 
amusing  reading  in  itself,  is  the  more  so  in  the  copy  which  I 
have  examined  from  its  having  been  perused,  (probably  on 
the  first  appearance  of  the  book),  by  some  outraged  patriot, 
and  by  him  plentifully  annotated  in  the  margin  with  "  False  " 
—  "  A  lie  "  —  «  Not  probable  "  —  «  fool !  "  —  &c. 

It  may  be  observed  here  that  the  main  purpose  of  most  of 
these  writers  at  that  time,  as  is  sometimes  distinctly  stated,  is 
to  deter  emigrants  from  coming  to  this  country.  With  the 


156  INTRODUCTION  TO 

intention  of  furthering  this  object  a  volume  was  published  in 
London,  in  1823.,  styled  "Memorable  Days  in  America: 
being  a  Journal  of  a  Tour  to  the  United  States,  principally 
undertaken  to  ascertain,  by  positive  evidence,  the  condition 
and  probable  prospects  of  British  Emigrants ;  including 
accounts  of  Mr.  Birkbeck's  Settlement  in  the  Illinois :  and 
intended  to  show  men  and  things  as  they  are  in  America. 
By  W.  Faux,  an  English  Farmer." 

The  title,  dedication,  and  preface,  are  all  designed  to  con 
vey  the  assurance  that  he  has  dealt  entirely  in  "  plain  delinea 
tions  ...  —  Pictures  from  life  —  Things  as  they  are."  As 
before,  in  the  quotations  I  make,  the  italics,  &c.,  are  taken 
from  the  writer. 

Having  made  up  his  mind  that  in  all  probability  he  never 
will  return  home,  vainly  endeavored  to  insure  his  life,  and 
purchased  from  a  physician  a  double-barrelled  prescription 
rt  fit  for  both  land  and  sea ",  something  like  the  balsam  of 
Fierabras  (but  much  dearer),  he  sets  sail ;  and,  before  he 
gets  off  the  coast  of  England,  picks  up  an  item  of  informa 
tion  which  he  forthwith  stows  away  for  the  benefit  of  the 
British  public.  "  Navigators  up  the  Mississippi  river,  fre 
quently  steal  from  10  to  20  sheep  at  once  from  the  farmers, 
and  think  it  no  crime ;  it  being  more  convenient  to  steal  than 
to  buy."  —  p.  8.  This,  be  it  remembered,  in  1819. 

His  style  is  enough  to  provoke  a  burlesque. 

"We  are  off  those  beautiful  Western  isles,  the  Azores, 
abounding  with  herbs,  grapes,  wine,  oil,  and  earthquakes."  — 
p.  12.  "I  now  sleep  in  high  style  every  night,"  [aboard 
ship],  "  having  under  my  pillow  a  bottle  of  Madeira  and  a 
basket  of  China  sweetmeats;  at  my  side  nine  muskets  and 
a  huge  broad-sword ;  and  underneath  me  a  magazine  of  gun 
powder  and  balls."  —  p.  20. 

On  Sunday,  April  19th,  1819,  he  encounters  —  poor  man! 
—  "blue  forked  lightning",  and  "loud-sounding,  crackling, 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMEKICA.  157 

rattling,  crashing  thunder,  presenting  a  scene  more  sublimely 
horrific  than  any  I  had  ever  seen ;  the  lightning  might  almost 
be  handled,  being  what  our  captain  calls  'double-twisted 
ropy.'"  — p.  39. 

In  April,  1819,  when  nearing  the  American  coast,  he  sees 
"  several  fat  Yankee  ducks  and  geese  ",  p.  25  ;  and  finds  Bos 
ton  "  highly  interesting,  especially  when  associated  with  the 
recollection  of  its  having  fought  so  bravely  for  liberty,  and 
preferred  it  to  English  tea,  sweetened  with  taxation,  and  the 
milk  of  maternal  monarchy."  —  p.  28. 

In  the  matter  of  our  colored  fellow-citizens  he  hits  right 
and  left,  North  and  South. 

"  It  is  no  unusual  thing  for  some  of  the  people  of  this  coun 
try,"  [Boston,  and  New  England  in  general],  "  on  going  to 
Charleston,  to  take  their  free  negroes  with  them  and  sell  them 
for  slaves,  by  way  of  turning  a  penny,  or  as  they  say,  of  making 
a  good  spec  of  it.  Two  white  gentlemen,  I  was  told,  deter 
mined  on  a  plan  to  benefit  themselves,  and  cheat  the  planter,  or 
slave  buyer ;  one  blackened  his  face  and  body  and  became  a 
negro ;  the  other  was  his  owner  and  salesman,  and  sold  his 
friend  to  the  planter  for  800  dollars,  but  in  less  than  three 
days  he  returned,  a  white  free-man  again,  to  divide  the  spoil, 
nor  was  the  imposition  ever  discovered  to  prosecution." — p.  37. 
Wooden  nutmegs  must  have  hid  their  diminished  heads.  In 
Virginia  "  three  or  four  slaves  are  wantonly  shot  and  buried 
at  once,  when  not  useful  nor  marketable.  But  all  this  sel 
dom  excites  any  notice  ".  —  p.  127.  "  A  gentleman  of  Wash 
ington,  too  kind-hearted  to  whip  his  house-negroes  himself, 
leaves  it  to  his  wife,  a  fashionable,  beautiful  female,  holding, 
and  going  to  levees,  yet  able  to  cow-hide  her  negroes,  whose 
screams,  under  the  lash,  scare  Mrs.  Little  and  family.  A  cow 
hide  is  no  uncommon  appendage  of  ladies  here  ! "  —  p.  387. 

He  has  some  experiences  at  Charleston,  South  Carolina. 

"  May  1st.   This  morning  presented  a  poor  fellow  lying  all 


158  INTRODUCTION  TO 

night  until  nine,  A.M.  in  the  street,  in  a  hot,  broiling  sun,  110° 
by  the  thermometer.  He  was  found  nearly  murdered,  hav 
ing  his  legs  both  broken,  and  otherwise  terribly  bruised  about 
his  head  and  breast,  and  robbed  of  all  he  had,  15  dollars. 
To  the  disgrace  of  the  nightly  watch  and  city  centinels,  and 
to  the  open  day  humanity  of  the  citizens,  here  was  he  suf 
fered  to  lie,  saturated  with  pestilential  dew,  and,  in  the  day, 
left  to  roast  and  be  devoured  by  flies,  until  an  old  Prussian 
colonel  offered  a  dollar  to  have  him  removed  as  a  nuisance, 
too  disgusting  to  delicate  nerves  and  sensibilities."  —  p.  45. 

At  his  hotel  he  makes  acquaintance  with  a  certain  colonel, 
(native,  this  time),  who  describes  himself  as  "  a  blasted  lily 
and  a  blighted  heath  ". 

"  This  young  gentleman,  naturally  witty  and  highly  gifted, 
has  married  and  abandoned  three  wives,  and  yet  is  only  22 
years  of  age."  —  p.  48. 

Now  for  his  dicta  on  the  subject  of  American  integrity,  or, 
rather,  the  lack  of  it. 

"It  is  the  pride  and  pleasure  of  Americans  to  get  into 
debt,  and  then  by  avoiding  payment,  show  how  adroitly  they 
can  cheat  and  wrong  each  other.  Few  look  upon  knavery 
with  disgust,  but  rather  with  a  smile  of  approbation." — p.  106. 
Quoting  a  Mr.  Lidiard,  an  English  friend,  he  says  :  "  Liberty 
here  means  to  do  each  as  he  pleases ;  to  care  for  nothing  and 
nobody,  and  cheat  everybody."  —  p.  194.  "  Two  selfish  gods, 
Pleasure  and  Gain,  enslave  the  Americans.  The  scum  of  all 
the  earth  is  drifted  here."  —  p.  417. 

His  social  prejudices  are  offended. 

"  Certain  approaches  to  something  like  equality,  and  con 
sequent  familiarity  of  the  rich  with  the  poor,  both  of  which 
classes  profess  to  be  no  respecters  of  persons,  generate  a  man 
ner  highly  repelling  to  the  aristocratical  feelings  of  the  well- 
bred  English."  —  p.  116.  "  The  traveller,  who  must  necessarily 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  159 

often  mix  with  the  very  dregs  of  society  in  this  country, 
should  be  prepared  with  plain  clothes,  or  the  dress  of  a  me 
chanic  ;  a  gentlemanly  appearance  only  exciting  unfriendly 
or  curious  feelings,  which  defeat  his  object,  and  make  his 
superiority  painful."  —  p.  202. 

November  17,  1819,  he  is  shocked:  — 

"  A  young  lady  cleaning  knives !  How  horrid ! ! "  — 
p.  261. 

Every  thing  is  going  backward  in  the  country. 

"This  is  impossible,"  [i.e.  to  preserve  civilized  habits], 
"  all  barbarize  here."  —  p.  246.  "  Men,  systematically  unprin 
cipled,  and  in  whom  the  moral  sense  seems  to  have  no  exist 
ence  :  this  is  the  lot  of  all  coming  here."  —  p.  331.  "  The  soil 
here  is  unfit  for  man,  and  for  an  Englishman  particularly. 
Both  mind  and  body  barbarize  and  degenerate."  —  p.  389.  He 
quotes  a  Mr.  Perry:  —  "It  was  by  mere  accident  that 
they  ever  had  a  constitution  ;  it  came  not  from  wise  choice  or 
preference.  In  England  only,  exists  such  a  preference  and 
real  love  of  liberty.  .  .  .  America,  you  see,  is  retrograding 

and  quite  unable  of  herself  to  achieve  any  thing  grand 

Almost  all  Americans  are  boys  in  every  thing  but  vice  and 
folly."  —  p.  126.  He  speaks  in  his  own  person:  —  "They 
know  nothing  of  the  nature  of  liberty,  nor  want  to  know. 
Law,  justice,  equity,  liberty,  are  things  unknown  amongst 
them.  In  England,  there  is  a  good  sound  core,  and  seed  that 
must  always  vegetate;  here,  all  is  rottenness." — p.  432. 

In  one  instance,  he  forgets  himself.  Having  encountered 
an  English  family  known  to  him  at  home,  he  says  :  — 

"  The  greatly  needed  hospitality  and  kindness  which  they 
met  with,  in  passing  down  the  river,  in  a  pennyless  condition, 
are  highly  honourable  to  this  good  poor  man's  country."  — 
p.  308. 

He  is  hard  on  the  judiciary. 


160  INTRODUCTION  TO 

"  Judge  Waggoner,  who  is  a  notorious  hog-stealer,"  &c.  — • 
p.  318.  "I  called  to  warm  at  Judge  Russell's,  who  makes  his 
own  shoes,  in  a  one-room  log-hole.  ...  I  met  and  spoke,  ten 
miles  off,  with  two  hog-jobbing  judges  "  —  &c.  —  p.  332. 

Here  is  a  pleasing  specification  of  national  customs.  Near 
Zainsville,  [?  Ohio],  he  fraternizes  with  Mr.  Chichester,  a 
polished,  gay,  and  interesting  American  gentleman,"  p.  177., 
who  gives  him  the  benefit  of  his  experience. 

"I  knew  a  party  of  whites  who  last  year  in  Kentucky 
roasted  to  death,  before  a  large  log  fire,  one  of  their  friends 
because  he  refused  to  drink.  They  did  it  thus  :  —  Three  or 
four  of  them  shoved  and  held  him  up  to  the  fire  until  they 
themselves  could  stand  it  no  longer ;  and  he  died  in  20  hours 
after.  No  legal  inquiry  took  place,  nor,  indeed,  ever  takes 
place  among  Rowdies,  as  the  Back-woodsmen  are  called."  — 
p.  179.  Mr.  Lidiard  has  sensible  views.  "  And  again,  I  tell 
the  gentlemen,  that  if  I  wished  to  be  social  and  get  drunk 
with  them,  I  dare  not;  for  they  would  take  the  liberty  to 
scratch  me  like  a  tiger,  and  gouge,  and  dirk  me.  I  cannot 
part  with  my  nose  and  eyes."  —  p.  194. 

^He  picks  up  a  variety  of  odd  items  in  the  national  capital. 

"  Gouging  still  flourishes.  His  excellency,  Mr.  Monroe, 
while  a  young  man,  constantly  kept  his  hair  closely  shorn,  in 
order  that  his  head  might  be  less  exposed  to  this  brutal  prac 
tice." —  p.  108.  He  asserts  that,  in  Georgetown,  D.  C., — 
"  Almost  every  private  family  chariot  in  this  city  is  found 
daily  on  the  stand  as  a  hackney  coach  for  hire,  to  either 
whites  or  blacks  ;  to  all  who  can  pay."  —  p.  112.  "  The  Hon. 
T.  Law  brought,  it  is  said,  half  a  million  sterling  with  him 
to  this  country,  but  has  lost  two-thirds  of  it.  He  married 
the  niece  of  General  Washington,  the  most  beautiful  lady  in 
Virginia;  and,  at  her  uncle's  request,  Mr.  Law  settled  on 
her,  in  case  they  parted,  15,000  dollars  a  year.  The  event, 


JOHN   BULL  IN   AMERICA.  161 

which  seemed  thus  to  be  anticipated,  soon  after  occurred ; " 
&c.  —  p.  390. 

Here  is  the  summary  of  his  observations. 

"August —  16th.  Picture  of  the  condition  of  the  Ameri 
can  people,  agricultural  and  otherwise.  Low  ease ;  a  little 
avoidable  want,  but  no  dread  of  any  want ;  little  or  no  indus 
try  ;  little  or  no  real  capital,  nor  any  effort  to  create  any ;  no 
struggling,  no .  luxury,  and,  perhaps,  nothing  like  satisfaction 
or  happiness  ;  no  real  relish  of  life ;  living  like  store  pigs  in 
a  wood,  or  fattening  pigs  in  a  stye.  All  their  knowledge  is 
confined  to  a  newspaper,  which  they  all  love,  and  consists  in 
knowing  their  natural,  and  some  political  rights,  which  rights 
in  themselves  they  respect  individually,  but  often  violate 
towards  others,  being  cold,  selfish,  gloomy,  inert,  and  with  but 
little  or  no  feeling."  —  p.  125. 

And  now  for  a  quotation  from  "the  celebrated  Francis 
Guy  ",  whoever  he  may  have  been. 

"There  is,  indeed,  a  something  in  a  real  upright  and 
downright  honest  John  Bull,  that  cannot  be  found  in  the  sly, 
say-nothing,  smiling,  deep  speculating,  money-hunting  Jona 
thans  of  this  all-men-are-born-equally-free-and-independent, 
negro-driving,  cow-skin  republic." 

Again,  F.  G.  makes  a  fine  enumeration  of  American  mis 
deeds  and  horrors :  — 

"Man  stealing,  mail  robberies,  piracy,  murders,  thefts, 
swindling,  forgeries,  lying,  cheating,  slavery,  whips,  gags, 
chains,  and  all  the  black  catalogue  of  monstrous  ills  ",  &c.  — 
p.  427. 

Coming  to  the  close  of  his  book,  after  all  his  denuncia 
tions  Faux  assumes  a  fraternal  tone  ;  —  "  Let  both  countries 
wisely  learn  to  think  correctly  of  their  several  governments, 
and  kindly  of  each  other",  p.  486. :  and  winds  up,  p.  487.,  by 
giving  some  hygienic  instructions  through  observance  of  which 

11 


162  INTRODUCTION  TO 

it  may  be  possible  to  retain  one's  health  even  in  the  terrible 
climate  of  America  at  large. 

I  have  quoted  from  the  scribbler  last  named,  I  fear  to  a 
wearisome  extent.  But  I  had  reasons  for  doing  so.  Mr. 
Faux  I  take  to  have  been  as  fine  a  specimen  as  could  readily 
be  found  of  the  unadulterated  commonplace  middle-class  Eng 
lishman  of  his  day.  He  is,  even  for  an  English  traveller, 
remarkably  incoherent  and  preposterous.  There  is  a  richness 
and  variety  of  misunderstanding  and  misrepresentation  in  him 
that  is  surprising.  In  fact  he  is  quite  a  mine,  and  as  such 
the  author  of  "  John  Bull  in  America  "  has  worked  him  ;  for 
he  is  noticeable  as  having  supplied  much  of  the  crude  ore  of 
the  burlesque.  He  also  gave  rise  to  the  review  in  No.  58. 
of  "The  Quarterly",  which  excited  Mr.  Paulding's  spleen, 
and  which  is  so  ludicrously  referred  to  as  he  goes  along.  In 
addition,  Mr.  Faux  had  in  his  book  alluded  to  our  author  in 
the  following  terms :  —  "A  sinecure,  or  something  in  the 
nature  of  one,  is  held  by  Joseph  Paulding,  Esq.  of  Washing 
ton.  The  holder  of  this  situation  is  enjoined  to  write  in 
defence  of  the  American  character  and  government,  and  at 
the  same  time  to  vilify  the  British."  —  p.  397.  There  may 
then  have  been  some  little  personal  feeling  in  the  roasting  of 
the  offender. 

Faux  also  had  something  impertinent  to  say  of  Mr.  Ed 
ward  Everett,  who,  subsequently,  among  articles  overhauling 
various  works  of  the  kind,  devoted  one  to  this  book  and  the 
English  reviewer  thereof.  Mr.  Everett  appears  to  have  been 
somewhat  annoyed ;  for,  in  "  The  North  American  ",  he  char 
acterizes  Faux  as  an  "itinerant  miscreant",  [Vol.  XIX. 
p.  116.],  and  says  further :  —  "  If,  again,  it  should  seem  incred 
ible,  that  a  person  so  low  as  Mr.  Faux,  should  have  found 
admission,  on  any  occasion,  in  this  country,  to  the  houses  and 
tables  of  respectable  individuals,  we  beg  to  suggest,  that,  as 
his  doing  so  often  depends  on  his  own  word,  no  credit  what 
ever  is  to  be  given  to  it.  We  have  personal  knowledge,  that 


JOHN  BULL   IN   AMERICA.  163 

he  can  speak  as  if  familiarly  acquainted  with  an  individual, 
who  never  heard  of  his  name,  till  it  appeared  on  the  title 
page  of  his  book."  —  [p.  124.] 

But  Mr.  Everett  does  not  waste  himself  on  Faux.  He 
charges  the  objectionable  article  in  The  Quarterly  on  Mr.  Gif- 
ford,  personally,  and  not  simply  as  responsible  editor  [p.  94.]  ; 
and  not  only  effectually  dissects  the  absurdities  and  unveils 
the  absolute  and  palpable  falsehoods  of  the  travelled  varlet, 
but  also  exposes  the  disingenuousness,  culpable  carelessness, 
and  falsification  of  the  reviewer.  He  holds  Gifford  responsi 
ble  for  nothing  less  than  national  defamation  ;  and  with  much 
reason :  for  it  would  seem  impossible  that  an  educated  Eng 
lishman  could  have  believed  in  the  truth  of  those  statements 
of  Faux  which  he  quotes  as  authority. 

The  article  in  The  Quarterly  —  No.  58.  July,  1823.  — as 
appears  from  the  statement  in  a  note  by  Mr.  Paulding  to 
"  The  Preface  of  the  Editor  to  the  first  edition "  of  "  John 
Bull  in  America  ",  was  thrown  out  of  the  American  republi- 
cation.  It  is  conceived  and  executed  in  the  common  swash 
buckler  spirit  and  style  of  the  British  reviews  of  that  day, 
when  discoursing  anent  America.  The  author  swallows  every 
thing  Faux  says  or  intimates  on  his  own  authority  or  that  of 
others,  and  then  makes  the  strangest  deductions.  Sometimes 
indeed  he  construes  strong  innuendo  into  absolute  assertion. 

He  puts  one  in  mind  on  the  whole,  (considering  his  indus 
try,  his  evident  relish  of  morsels,  and  his  implied  superiority), 
of  the  verse  of  Mother  Goose :  — 

"  Little  Jack  Horner,  he  sat  in  a  corner, 

Eating  his  Christmas  pie ; 

He  put  in  his  thumb,  and  he  pulled  out  a  plum  — 
0,  what  a  smart  boy  am  I !  " 

Tremendous  epithets  and  nouns  substantive,  —  such  as  "  pros 
titute  rhapsody",  "radical  trash",  "flippant  farrago  of  im 
piety,  malevolence  and  folly",  "insane  drivelling",  "filthy 
and  ragged  licentiousness",  "squatters,  rowdies,  dirkers, 


164  INTRODUCTION   TO 

gougers,  and  riflers" — fly  about  in  an  alarming  way.  And 
yet  they  would  seem  to  be  inadequate  to  the  need.  Accord 
ing  to  The  Quarterly,  the  plagues  of  Egypt  were  as  nothing 
compared  to  those  which  had  befallen  America ;  and  the  re 
viewer  can  see  no  good  thing  in  the  country,  the  people,  or 
their  institutions. 

It  were  idle  at  the  present  day  to  analyze  the  article.  I 
shall  only,  by  way  of  sample,  quote  a  dictum,  prophecy,  and 
warning  appeal,  with  which  it  winds  up,  and  which  read  oddly 
enough  now. 

"The  jvant  of  an  established  national  religion  has  made 
the  bulk  of  the  people  either  infidels  or  fanatics." — p.  369. 
"  Long  ages  must  pass  away  before  the  population,  now 
thinly  spread  over  the  immense  vale  of  the  Mississippi,  will 
become  sufficiently  dense  to  render  any  part  of  it  a  desirable 
habitation  for  civilized  beings ;  before  markets  are  estab 
lished  ;  places  of  religious  worship  built ;  schools  for  the  edu 
cation  of  youth  instituted ;  slavery  abolished ;  laws  and  justice 
duly  administered ;  the  forests  and  cane-brakes  cleared  away  ; 
the  dismal  cypress-swamps  drained;  the  rotten  bottoms  and 
rank  prairies  reclaimed  from  their  stagnant  and  putrid  water ; 
—  then,  and  not  till  then,  (and  much  will  still  remain  to  do), 
can  the  present  race  of  emigrants,  however  sanguine,  con 
template  even  the  future  happy  condition  of  their  descend 
ants.  In  their  days,  or  in  their  sons'  sons'  days,  little 
amelioration  is  to  be  looked  for."  —  p.  368.  "We  there 
fore  most  earnestly  entreat  ....  them "  [intending  emi 
grants]  "to  pause,  and  carefully  to  peruse  the  journal  of 
Farmer  Faux,  who  not  only  gives  his  own  opinion,  but  also 
the  opinions  of  many  who,  from  long  experience,  are  better 
qualified  to  judge  correctly  on  the  subject."  —  p.  370. 

And  further  The  Quarterly  sayeth  not  —  at  that  time. 
But  it,  and  the  other  noted  English  periodicals,  piped  pretty 
continuously  to  much  the  same  tune. 


JOHN   BULL  IN   AMERICA.  165 

With  such  material  to  work  with,  our  author  found  it  easy 
to  place  the  wandering  and  reviewing  Bull  in  a  ridiculous 
light.  The  embarrassment  really  besetting  him  is  adverted 
to  in  a  notice  of  his  book  to  be  found  in  The  Atlantic  Maga 
zine,  of  March,  1825  —  Vol.  II.  p.  393.  "After  the  sanc 
tion  given  by  the  Quarterly  to  Faux's  Mirabilia,  it  is  obvious 
that  no  burlesque  could  be  too  extravagant.  On  the  con 
trary,  the  difficulty  is,  that  the  marvels  related  by  that  '  liar 
of  the  first  magnitude '  are  so  much  in  the  '  Ercles '  vein,  that 
it  is  difficult  to  mount  into  a  higher  region  of  hyperbole." 
This  is  the  truth.  Rank  caricature  as  the  book  now  seems, 
whoever  looks  into  the  matter  can  yet  clearly  perceive  its 
justification.  This  once  admitted,  one  can  not  help  being 
amused  at  the  felicitous  style  in  which  the  fellows  of  the 
long-bow  are  shown  up.  Even  the  abrupt  and  inconsequent 
manner  in  which  the  production  ends  is  characteristic  of  these 
spoilers  of  paper. 

I  have  not  attempted  to  trace  the  various  allusions  to 
travels  and  travellers  which  Mr.  Paulding  has  embroidered 
upon  the  groundwork  of  "  No.  58  ".  It  is  well,  however,  for 
the  reader  to  remember  that  these  people  and  their  publica 
tions  were  important  in  their  day ;  for  there  existed  among 
us  at  the  period  a  sensitiveness  as  to  English  opinion,  which, 
happily,  no  longer  prevails  to  anything  like  the  same  extent. 

This  sensitiveness  was  certainly  not  allowed  to  sleep.  Mr. 
Tuckerman  briefly  sums  up  the  whole  business.  "  There 
was,  indeed,  from  the  close  of  the  war  of  1812,  for  a  series  of 
years,  an  inundation  of  English  books  of  travel,  wherein  the 
United  States,  their  people  and  prospects,  were  discussed 
with  a  monotonous  recapitulation  of  objections,  a  superficial 
knowledge,  and  a  predetermined  depreciation,  which  render 
the  task  of  analyzing  their  contents  and  estimating  their  com 
parative  merit  in  the  highest  degree  wearisome.  Redeemed, 
in  some  instances,  by  piquant  anecdote,  interesting  adventure, 
or  some  grace  of  style  or  originality  of  view,  they  are,  for  the 


166  INTRODUCTION   TO 

most  part,  shallow,  egotistical,  and  more  or  less  repetitions  of 
each  other.  So  systematic  and  continuous,  however,  are  the 
tone  of  abuse  and  the  purpose  of  disparagement,  that  the  sub 
ject  claims  separate  consideration."  —  AMERICA  AND  HER 
COMMENTATORS,  pp.  219-220. 

It  remains  then  to  inquire  into  the  causes  of  this  persistent 
slander.  There  was  a  national  jealousy,  for  one  thing ;  and 
a  desire  to  prevent  emigration  for  another.  These  for  the 
solid  falsification :  as  for  the  rest,  after  all  said  and  done,  I 
believe  that  our  own  countrymen  may  thank  themselves 
mainly  for  the  many  strange  stories  told  of  us  by  the  genuine 
British  traveller.  There  are,  and  always  have  been,  many 
of  them  to  whom  "  it  is  meat  and  drink  ...  to  see  a  clown  "  of 
this  sort.  They  early  began  to  stimulate  that  appetite  for 
being  disgusted  or  shocked  which  is  so  odd  a  concomitant 
of  the  Bull  on  his  peregrinations.  Finding  his  maw  so  capa 
cious,  they  have  supplied  him  with  ample  and  varied  suste 
nance,  so  that  he  has  come  at  last,  in  this  regard,  to  make 
good  the  eulogy  of  Polonius  on  the  players,  in  Hamlet :  — 
"  Seneca  cannot  be  too  heavy,  nor  Plautus  too  light  "  for  him 
—  that  is  to  say,  when  the  matter  happens  to  chime  in  with 
his  prejudices. 

I  desire  to  express  my  obligation  to  Mr.  Charles  H.  Hart 
of  Philadelphia,  for  note-material  furnished ;  and  to  Mr. 
Gulian  C.  Verplanck,  for  bringing  to  bear  the  memory  of  a 
contemporary  of  our  author  upon  one  or  two  questions  which 
must  otherwise  have  baffled  me. 

"  THE  TALKING  POTATO  "  of  the  "  Preface  of  the  Editor 
to  the  first  edition"  is  understood  to  have  been  J.  Wilson 
Croker,  one  of  the  early  regular  contributors  to  The  Quar 
terly,  and  an  acrimonious  and  persevering  disparager  of  this 
country.  Of  English  descent,  he  was  born  in  Galway,  Ire 
land,  and  from  1807  to  1832  was  a  member  of  the  House  of 
Commons. 


JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA.  167 

Captain  Thomas  Hamilton,  29th  Regiment  R.A.,  was  the 
author  of  "  Men  and  Manners  in  America  ",  referred  to  in  the 
"  Postscript  to  the  third  edition",  and  there,  misentitled  "  Men 
and  Manners  in  the  United  States".  This  book  of  travels  was 
published  in  two  volumes  crown  octavo  in  1833,  and  in  two 
volumes  duodecimo,  at  Boston,  in  1834.  I  quote  a  few  re 
marks  made  on  each  side  of  the  water  about  it  at  the  time,  as 
given  in  Allibone's  Dictionary  of  Authors. 

"We  cannot  but  congratulate  our  countryman  on  the 
appearance  of  his  valuable  work  at  the  present  crisis,  when 
all  the  ancient  institutions  of  our  country  are  successively 
melting  away  under  the  powerful  solvent  of  democratic  fer 
vor.  .  .  .  He  neither  views  America  with  the  jaundiced  eye 
of  a  bigoted  Tory,  nor  the  frantic  partiality  of  an  enthusiastic 
Democrat.  He  appreciates  things  as  they  really  are  —  noth 
ing  extenuating,  setting  down  nought  in  malice."  —  Black- 
woo(Ks  Magazine. 

"  The  more  Captain  Hamilton's  book  is  studied,  the  stronger 
will  be  the  reader's  conviction  of  its  merits  as  a  clear  and  im 
partial  description  of  the  American  people."  —  Dublin  Uni 
versity  Magazine. 

"  It  is  undoubtedly  as  we  have  said,  in  point  of  literary 
execution,  one  of  the  best  that  have  yet  appeared  upon  the 
United  States.  The  style  is  not  deficient  in  strength  or  spirit, 
and  evinces  at  times  a  remarkable  power  of  description,  as  in 
the  passages  on  the  Falls  of  Niagara  and  the  river  Missis 
sippi.  On  the  other  hand,  it  is  far  from  being  uniformly  so 
pure  and  correct  as  might  be  wished  —  is  often  unpardonably 
coarse,  and  is  pervaded  throughout  by  an  affected  pertness 
and  a  silly  air  of  pretension,  which  are  offensive  from  the 
beginning,  and  finally  become  by  repetition  completely  nau 
seous.  .  .  .  That  a  spirit  of  unjust  depreciation  is  the  one  that 
predominates  in  his  work,  is  —  as  we  shall  have  occasion 
abundantly  to  show  —  very  certain."  —  A.  H.  Everett.  North 
American  Review. 


168          INTRODUCTION  TO  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

Some  notes  were  made  to  "  John  Bull  in  America  "  by  the 
author.  Those  to  the  edition  of  1837  are  distinguished  by 
that  date ;  those  now  added,  by  being  included  in  brackets. 

In  conclusion,  I  have  only  to  observe  that  Mr.  Paulding  at 
the  time  undoubtedly  did  a  service  to  his  country ;  and  to 
England  —  for  his  book  was  appreciated  there.  A  hearty 
laugh  is  a  capital  antidote  to  bad  blood :  and  there  was  a 
good  deal  of  that  between  the  two  nations  about  those  years. 
He  adopted  the  best  mode  of  dealing  with  this  sort  of  ma- 
ligner.  Indeed,  take  them  by  and  large,  were  it  worth  while, 
every  generation  of  English  travellers  in  this  country  might 
be  fairly  quizzed  in  pretty  much  the  same  style.  With  a  few 
respectable  exceptions,  about  the  same  calibre  of  mind  and  the 
same  ludicrous  conceit  have  been  brought  to  bear  upon  us  up 
to  the  present  hour.  It  is  an  unhandsome  word  to  say, 
belike,  but  "  pity  'tis  'tis  true  " ;  and  only  the  hope  remains, 
that  the  time  may  come,  when  it  shall  be  the  cue  of  these 
little  men  to  use  what  little  influence  they  may  hereafter  have, 
rather  in  the  interests  of  good  feeling  than  of  detraction. 

W.  I.  P. 


PREFACE     OF     THE     EDITOR 


TO 


THE     FIRST     EDITION. 


ON  the  fifth  day  of  August,  1824,  a  rather  genteel- 
looking  stranger  arrived  at  the  Mansion  Hotel  in  the 
city  of  Washington,  where  he  inquired  for  a  retired 
room,  and  expressed  his  intention  of  staying  some 
time.  He  was  dressed  in  a  blue  frock,  striped  vest, 
and  gray  pantaloons ;  was  about  five  feet  ten,  as  is 
supposed,  and  had  a  nose  like  a  potato.  The  evening 
of  the  following  day  there  arrived  in  the  stage  from 
Baltimore  a  little  mahogany-faced  foreigner,  a  French 
man  as  it  would  seem,  with  gold  rings  in  his  ears,  and 
a  pair  of  dimity  breeches.  The  little  man  in  dimity 
breeches  expressed  great  pleasure  at  meeting  the  stran 
ger,  with  whom  he  seemed  to  be  well  acquainted ;  but 
the  stranger  appeared  much  agitated  at  the  rencounter, 
and  displayed  nothing  like  satisfaction  on  the  occasion. 
With  the  evident  intention  of  avoiding  the  little  dark- 
complexioned  man,  he,  in  a  few  minutes,  desired  the 
waiter  to  show  him  his  room,  to  which  he  retired 
without  bidding  the  other  good  night. 

[169] 


170  PREFACE   OF   THE   EDITOR 

It  appears  from  the  testimony  of  the  waiter,  that 
on  going  into  his  chamber,  and  observing  a  portman 
teau  which  had  been  placed  there  in  his  absence,  the 
stranger  inquired  to  whom  it  belonged.  The  waiter 
replied :  "  To  the  French  gentleman.  As  you  seemed 
to  be  old  acquaintance,  I  thought  you  would  like  to 
be  together,  sir."  This  information  seemed  to  cause 
great  agitation  in  the  mind  of  the  stranger,  who  ex 
claimed,  as  if  unconscious  of  the  presence  of  the  wait 
er,  "  I  am  a  lost  man !  "  —  which  the  waiter  thought 
rather  particular.  The  stranger,  after  a  few  moments 
of  apparent  perplexity,  ordered  the  waiter  to  bring  him 
pen,  ink,  paper,  and  sealing-wax,  and  then  desired  to 
be  left  alone.  It  is  recollected  that  the  dark-complex 
ioned  foreigner  retired  about  ten,  requesting  to  be  called 
up  at  four  o'clock,  as  he  was  going  on  in  the  stage  to 
the  South.  This  is  the  last  that  was  seen,  of  either 
the  stranger  or  the  dark-complexioned  foreigner.  On 
knocking  at  the  door  precisely  at  four  o'clock  the  next 
morning,  and  no  answer  being  given,  the  waiter  made 
bold  to  enter  the  room,  which  to  his  surprise  he  found 
entirely  empty.  Neither  baggage,  nor  stranger,  nor 
dark-complexioned  foreigner,  was  to  be  found.  Had 
the  stranger  and  his  friend  previously  run  up  a  long 
score  at  the  Mansion  Hotel,  their  disappearance  would 
not  have  excited  any  extraordinary  degree  of  surprise. 
But  the  stranger  was  indebted  for  only  two  days' 
board  and  lodging,  and  the  dark-complexioned  for 
eigner  had  paid  his  bill  over  night.  A  person  who 
slept  in  the  next  room,  recollected  hearing  a  stir  in 
that  of  the  stranger,  as  he  thinks,  about  three  o'clock, 
but,  supposing  it  to  be  some  one  going  off  in  the  mail, 
it  excited  no  particular  observation. 


TO   THE  FIRST  EDITION.  171 

This  is  all  that  could  be  gathered  in  relation  to 
the  mysterious  disappearance  of  these  two  travellers. 
But  on  searching  about  the  room  a  packet  was  found, 
carefully  sealed,  and  directed  "  To  the  Editor  of  the 

; "  the  rest  was  wanting,  and  the  omission  was 

probably  occasioned  by  some  circumstance  occurring 
at  the  instant,  which  led  to  the  singular  affair  above 
detailed.  Some  days  having  elapsed  without  any 
thing  occuring  to  throw  light  on  the  transaction,  it 
was  thought  proper  to  open  the  packet,  the  direction 
of  which  afforded  no  clew  by  which  to  transmit  it 
to  the  editor  intended,  in  the  hope  that  something 
might  be  learned  from  it  that  would  lead  to  a  discov 
ery  of  the  names,  or  the  friends,  of  these  mysterious 
persons.  On  inspection  it  proved  to  be  a  manuscript 
of  travels  in  the  United  States,  of  which  the  following 
is  a  faithful  transcript.  Though,  as  the  reader  will 
perceive,  it  explains  very  satisfactorily  the  principal 
portion  of  the  preceding  details,  there  was  nothing  in 
it  which  could  lead  directly  to  a  discovery  of  the 
name  and  residence  of  the  unfortunate  gentleman, 
whose  fate,  although  still  enveloped  in  doubt,  is  but 
too  easily  anticipated.  All  that  appears  certain  from 
the  manuscript  is,  that  the  stranger  was  an  English 
man,  travelling  to  New  Orleans  on  business,  and  that 
he  probably  was  in  some  way  mysteriously  made 
away  with  by  the  little  dark-complexioned  foreigner, 
of  whom  a  description  has  been  given,  and  for  whom 
a  reward  has  been  offered,  in  the  public  papers,  with 
out  effect.  His  name,  as  given  by  himself  in  the 
examination  before  the  magistrate  in  New  York,  is 
probably  fictitious. 

After  mature  reflection,  it  was  decided  to  publish 


172  PKEFACE   OF   THE   EDITOR 

the  manuscript,  as  the  best  and  cheapest  mode  of 
extending  the  inquiry  concerning  the  identity  of  this 
unfortunate  stranger  to  all  parts  of  the  reading  world, 
and  thereby  acquiring  further  information.  In  addi 
tion  to  this  motive,  it  was  thought  that  a  work  of  such 
extraordinary  merit  as  to  style,  sentiment,  and  accu 
racy  of  detail,  deserved  to  be  made  known.  Much 
discussion  took  place  in  respect  to  the  selection  of  a 
title  for  the  work,  which  had  been  omitted  in  the  man 
uscript.  To  announce  it  simply  as  a  book  of  travels 
in  America,  would  have  been  to  place  it  on  a  footing 
with  the  various  romances  which  have  been  published 
under  that  title  within  the  last  thirty  years.  Of  these 
we  have  lately  had  such  a  profusion  that  the  public 
is  rather  tired,  as  we  are  informed  by  the  booksel 
lers.  Some  familiar  and  striking  title-page,  no  matter 
whether  applicable  or  not  to  the  character  of  the  work, 
was  therefore  necessary  to  excite  public  attention,  and 
it  was  finally  decided  to  adopt  that  which  appears, 
and  which  we  will  now  proceed  to  explain. 

The  character  of  these  travels  being  that  of  severe 
and  inflexible  truth,  a  title  was  chosen  in  direct  an 
tithesis,  partly  in  a  sportive  imitation  of  the  facetious 
philosopher  Lucian,  who  gave  the  name  of  "  A  True 
Story  "  to  one  of  the  most  improbable  fictions  of  an 
tiquity  ;  and  partly  in  allusion  to  Dr.  Jonathan  Swift, 
who  in  like  manner  disguised  one  of  the  gravest  of 
satires  under  the  mask  of  "  A  Tale  of  a  Tub,"  than 
which  nothing  can  be  more  opposite  to  its  real  char 
acter.  Thus  have  we  availed  ourselves  of  the  cata- 
chresis  on  this  occasion,  not  only  for  the  purpose  of 
agreeably  surprising  the  reader  into  the  perusal  of  a 
work  of  incomparable  veracity  under  the  garb  of  a 


TO   THE   FIRST  EDITION.  173 

work  of  fiction,  but  also  to  administer  to  the  public 
taste,  which,  owing  to  the  witcheries  of  that  mis 
chievous  person  called  the  "  Great  Unknown,"  hath 
an  unseemly  propensity  towards  romances  and  the 
like. 

In  this  we  are  justified,  not  only  by  the  foregoing 
high  authorities,  but  in  an  especial  manner  by  the  ex 
ample  of  certain  great  critics,  who  place  at  the  head 
of  their  articles,  by  way  of  title-page,  the  name  of  a 
book  about  which  they  say  not  one  word  in  the  whole 
course  of  their  lucubrations.  So  may  we  see  certain 
well-meaning  and  orthodox  writers,  publishing  what 
they  call  "  candid  examinations,"  and  "  cool  consider 
ations,"  of  and  concerning  certain  disputed  points, 
which,  to  say  the  truth,  are  neither  candid  nor  cool, 
but  marvellously  thfllcontrary.  We  mention  not  these 
things  in  a  spirit  of  hostility,  but  to  justify  by  their 
examples  our  adoption  of  the  figure  of  the  catachresis. 
The  reader  will  therefore  err  most  egregiously  if  he 
supposes  for  a  moment  that  the  following  work,  what 
ever  be  its  title,  bears  the  most  remote  resemblance  to, 
or  is  in  any  wise  tainted  with,  the  egregious  fictions 
of  the  genuine  Munchausen. 

Touching  the  real  author  of  this  work,  whom 
we  may  safely  pronounce  a  second  and  still  greater 
"  Great  Unknown,"  we  have  our  suspicions  on  the 
subject,  suspicions  almost  amounting  to  a  certainty, 
which  we  shall  proceed  to  lay  before  the  reader.  At 
first,  for  divers  good  reasons,  we  were  inclined  to  sup 
pose  the  author  was  no  less  a  person  than  the  "  Great 
Unknown"  himself,  who,  as  is  asserted,  resided  in 
America  some  time.  But  however  rich,  redundant, 
and  inexhaustible,  may  be  the  invention  of  this  ex- 


174  PREFACE   OF   THE   EDITOR 

traordinary  incognito,  no  one,  we  think,  will  deny  to 
our  author,  notwithstanding  his  general  character  of 
severe  veracity,  a  vigour  of  fancy  and  a  vein  of  inven 
tive  sportiveness,  vastly  superior  even  to  the  "  Great 
Unknown."  We  must  therefore  discard  this  sugges 
tion,  and  proceed  to  put  the  reader  in  possession  of 
our  settled  conviction  on  this  matter,  which,  as  will  be 
seen,  amounts  to  next  to  a  demonstration. 

To  come  to  the  point  without  further  circumlocu 
tion,  we  have  the  best  reasons  as  well  as  the  highest 
circumstantial  testimony  to  warrant  us  in  the  asser 
tion,  that  the  author  of  this  work,  was,  and  if  living, 
is  still,  one  of  the  principal  writers  of  the  Quarterly 
Review  —  the  very  person  who  wrote  the  masterly  re 
view  of  Faux's  Travels  in  the  fifty-eighth  number.* 
To  arrive  at  this  conclusion  it  is  only  necessary  to 
compare  the  two  works,  in  the  articles  of  style, 
temper,  feeling,  and  in  short  everything  which  goes 
to  the  indication  of  a  personal  identity.  The  style  of 
this  work  displays  the  closest  resemblance  to  that  of 
the  article  on  Mr.  Faux's  Travels,  and  indeed  all  the 
articles  relating  to  the  United  States,  in  the  Quarterly 
Review.  The  same  classical  severity  and  mildness  of 
rebuke,  where  rebuke  is  necessary  —  the  same  happy 
aptitude  in  the  selection  of  choice  flowers  of  rhetoric 
—  the  same  amiable  zeal  for  religion  —  the  same 
charity  to  all  men  —  the  same  principles  of  universal 
benevolence  —  the  same  gentlemanly  observance  of 
the  slightest  minutiae  of  dainty,  I  might  say  exqui 
site,  breeding  —  run  through  each  and  all  of  these 

*  The  reader  must  consult  the  English  copy  for  this  article,  which  was  so 
extravagantly  complimentary,  that  even  the  American  bookseller  modestly 
omitted  it  in  his  re-publication  of  the  number. 


TO   THE   FIRST   EDITION.  175 

productions.  Nay,  the  same  expressions  and  peculiar 
phrases  which  characterize  the  reviewer,  occur  in 
almost  every  page  of  our  author.  We  have  the  "  tur 
bulent  spirit  of  democracy  "  —  the  "  wanton  violations 
of  the  Sabbath  "  —  the  "  total  disregard  of  religion  " 
—  the  "  spitting,  gouging,  drinking,  duelling,  dirking, 
swearing,  strutting  republicans"  —  the  " white-robed, 
levee-going,  cow-hiding  fine  lady  "  —  the  "  hog-steal 
ing  judges"  — """the  illusions  of  transatlantic  specula 
tion  "  —  "  the  flippant  farragoes  of  impiety,  malevo 
lence,  folly,  and  radical  trash "  —  together  with  an 
infinite  variety  of  the  favourite  phrases  of  the  Quar 
terly,  repeated  over  and  over  again  with  a  facility 
which,  we  think,  can  only  be  accounted  for  on  the 
supposition  that  the  author  and  reviewer  are  one  and 
the  same  person. 

Again,  a  perfect  similarity  of  temper  as  well  as 
style  reigns  throughout  both  productions.  The  same 
display  of  candour,  good  nature,  urbanity,  morality, 
piety,  orthodoxy,  and  loyalty  —  the  same  inflexible 
impartiality  and  love  of  truth  —  the  same  chivalrous 
gallantry  to  the  ladies  —  the  same  high-toned  courtesy 
to  the  gentlemen  of  this  republic  —  and  the  same  in 
tense  horror  of  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democracy  — 
live,  breathe,  and  move,  in  each.  It  were  an  extreme 
stretch  of  credulity,  to  suppose  that  one  kingdom, 
one  quarter  of  the  world,  or  even  the  whole  universe, 
could  possibly  contain  two  persons  so  highly  and  so 
equally  gifted  with  such  extraordinary  qualifications. 
It  would  be  too  much  for  one  age.  We  read  indeed 
of  a  young  Mede,  who  assured  Cyrus  that  he  had 
two  souls ;  but  the  idea  of  two  separate  persons  hav 
ing  one  and  the  same  soul  is  altogether  preposterous. 


176  PREFACE   OF   THE   EDITOR 

The  author  of  this  work,  and  the  superintendent  of 
American  affairs  in  the  Quarterly  Review,  are  there 
fore  manifestly  identical.  This  decision  acquires  ad 
ditional  support  from  the  continual  reference  to,  and 
quotations  from,  the  latter  work,  interspersed  through 
out  the  former.  It  is  scarcely  possible  to  believe  that 
any  person  but  the  reviewer  himself  could  so  accu 
rately  remember  and  refer  to  the  most  admired  pas 
sages.  Our  author,  indeed,  seems  never  to  have  had 
the  Quarterly  out  of  mind,  and  this  circumstance, 
together  with  the  fact  of  his  always  carrying  it  about 
with  him,  and  reading  it  on  all  occasions,  is  another 
decisive  proof;  since  we  have  occasion  to  know  from 
our  own  experience,  that  an  author  ever  prefers  his 
own  works  to  all  others,  as  certainly  as  a  parent  does 
his  own  children. 

Other  symptoms  of  identity  occur  in  almost  every 
page.  Both  these  productions  are  equally  remarkable 
for  that  friendly  disposition  to  the  people,  the  govern 
ment,  and  institutions  of  the  United  States,  which 
has  caused  the  Quarterly  to  be  so  extensively  circu 
lated  in  this  country,  and  patronized  by  its  most  dis 
tinguished  citizens.  It  would  be  absurd  to  suppose 
that  two  persons,  and  those  persons  foreigners,  should 
simultaneously  be  animated  by  such  disinterested  feel 
ings  of  good  will  towards  the  people  of  this,  or  any 
other,  country.  We  notice,  likewise,  several  other 
striking  similarities ;  especially  an  equally  accurate 
knowledge  of  the  geography  and  history  of  the 
United  States.  The  amiable  credulity  of  our  author, 
in  occasionally  suffering  himself  to  be  imposed  upon 
by  the  relations  of  others,  is  also  a  characteristic  of 
the  reviewer,  who  it  must  be  confessed  sometimes 


TO   THE  FIRST  EDITION.  177 

stretches  his  belief  into  the  regions  of  the  marvellous. 
This  credulity  is  joined  with  a  certain  engaging  sim 
plicity,  which  appears,  in  his  occasionally  exhibiting 
himself  in  a  ridiculous  light  without  appearing  to  be 
aware  of  it,  and  relating  things  which  a  more  artful 
and  wary  person  would  pass  over  without  notice. 
This  we  look  upon  as  the  strongest  proof  of  his  ve 
racity,  and  a  guaranty  for  the  truth  of  every  thing  he 
advances  upon  his  own  authority.  In  regard  to  what 
is  told  him  by  others,  we  would  advise  the  reader  to 
receive  it  with  some  grains  of  allowance. 

Having  thus,  as  we  presume  to  imagine,  pretty 
clearly  established  our  position,  that  the  author  of  the 
following  pages  is  also  the  writer  of  American  criti 
cisms  in  the  Quarterly,  we  shall  proceed  to  indulge  in 
a  few  speculations  as  to  the  precise  individual  to 
whom  the  people  of  the  United  States  have  so  fre 
quently  been  indebted  for  such  friendly  notices. 

It  cannot  be  the  laureate,  Mr.  Southey,  because  we 
are  assured  he  has  lately  taken  rather  a  dislike  to  re 
publicans,  on  account  of  their  blamable  indifference 
to  his  epic  poems.  Having  in  one  of  these  taken  the 
trouble  to  confer  upon  them  a  respectable  degree  of 
dignity  and  antiquity,  by  peopling  the  country  with  a 
colony  of  Welsh,  commanded  by  a  real  prince  with  an 
enormous  long  pedigree,  it  is  another  proof  of  the 
ingratitude  of  republics,  that  the  Americans  should  be 
so  indifferent  on  the  occasion.  The  laureate's  dislike 
is,  therefore,  however  much  it  may  be  lamented,  not 
to  be  wondered  at.  But  besides  this,  we  have  occa 
sion  to  know  that  the  laureate  finds  it  such  a  difficult 
matter  to  do  justice  to  the  glories  of  his  present  gra 
cious  sovereign,  that  he  has  been  high  and  dry  aground 

12 


178  PREFACE  OF   THE   EDITOR 

upon  a  birthday  ode  for  the  last  nine  months,  and 
there  is  no  telling  when  he  will  be  delivered.  It  is 
whispered  in  literary  circles,  that  he  has  called  for 
another  butt  of  sack,  to  float  him  off.  Others  say 
that,  in  addition  to  this,  he  is  engaged  upon  a  second 
"  Vision  of  Judgment,"  in  which  his  old  antagonist, 
the  late  Lord  Byron,  is  condemned  to  a  most  unheard- 
of  punishment,  to  wit,  that  of  reading  over  all  the 
laureate's  epics,  sapphics,  &c.,  not  forgetting  Wat 
Tyler,  twice  a  year,  till  he  becomes  orthodox,  and  be 
lieves  in  the  divine  right  of  kings. 

Neither  do  we  think  it  can  possibly  be  Mr.  D' Israeli, 
it  being  pretty  generally  understood  that  he  is  entirely 
devoted  to  the  ladies,  and  that  his  specified  duty  is  to 
keep  an  eye  upon  Lady  Morgan,  to  whose  "  flippant 
impieties,"  &c.,  his  acknowledged  orthodoxy  is  held  to 
be  a  most  sovereign  antidote. 

We  had  at  one  time  settled  it  in  our  minds,  that 
these  productions  came  from  the  pen  of  the  good- 
natured  creature  who  has  so  long  presided  over  the 
Quarterly,  and  made  it  renowned  throughout  all 
Christendom,  for  that  refined  and  high-wrought  cour 
tesy  which  is  onfy  to  be  acquired  in  the  cabin  of  a 
Newcastle  collier.  These  suspicions  were  strength 
ened  by  our  being  credibly  informed  of  a  little  good- 
tempered  old  gentleman,  who  was  in  this  country 
some  time  last  Spring,  and  was  so  delighted  with 
every  thing  he  saw  that  he  fell  seriously  ill  of  an  ec 
static  transport,  from  which  he  was  finally  recovered 
by  smelling  a  bottle  of  the  pure  essence  of  democracy. 
These  facts  staggered  us  a  little;  but  positive  infor 
mation  has  since  been  received  that  the  good  man 
was  at  that  time  confined  to  his  house,  No.  68  Grub 


TO   THE  FIRST  EDITION.  179 

street,  with  a  dyspepsy  accompanied  by  lowness  of 
spirits,  occasioned,  as  is  conjectured,  by  the  late  act 
of  Parliament  abolishing  lotteries,  whereby  his  office 
of  comptroller  of  lottery-offices  naturally  falls  to  the 
ground.  It  is  surmised  that  the  orthodox  old  gentle 
man  hath  it  in  serious  contemplation  to  abandon  the 
Quarterly,  become  very  wicked,  and  devote  himself 
to  democracy  and  impiety,  unless  they  bolster  up  his 
principles  with  another  sinecure.* 

The  reader  will  doubtless  give  us  due  credit,  when 
we  assure  him  we  have  reduced  it  to  a  probability,  ap 
proaching  very  near  to  certainty,  that  the  real  author 
of  the  productions  which  have  been  the  subject  of  this 
inquiry  is  a  gentleman  of  great  orthodoxy,  generally 
known  in  England  by  the  appellation  of  "  THE  TALK 
ING  POTATO."  We  have  been  at  some  pains  to  come 
at  the  origin  of  this  whimsical  distinction,  but  upon 
the  whole  have  not  succeeded  exactly  to  our  wishes. 
By  some,  it  is  said,  that  it  arose  from  his  talking  as  if 
he  had  a  hot  potato  in  his  mouth ;  by  others,  that  it 
came  from  his  having  a  nose  wonderfully  resembling 
the  Solanum  Tuberosum,  or  red  potato.  But  the  most 
general  opinion  is,  that  it  originated  in  his  once  hav 
ing  had  the  misfortune  to  require  trepanning,  when 
Sir  Astley  Cooper,  the  great  surgeon,  was  astonished 
to  find  the  entire  cavity  of  the  brain  occupied  by  a 
thumping  Irish  potato.  This  fact  was  communicated 
to  the  college  of  physicians,  but  without  mentioning 

*  Previous  to  this  act,  abolishing  lotteries,  Mr.  G.,  it  is  understood,  held 
two  sinecures ;  to  wit,  that  of  paymaster  to  the  "  Honourable  band  of  Gentle 
men  Pensioners,"  and  that  to  which  we  have  just  alluded.  The  former  was 
given  him  to  support  his  loyalty,  and  the  latter  to  maintain  his  orthodoxy. 
It  is  supposed  that  either  his  loyalty  or  his  religion  will  be  buried  under  the 
ruins  of  the  lottery-offices. 


180  PEEFACE  OF  THE  EDITOR 

the  name,  and  may  be  found  in  one  of  the  volumes 
of  their  transactions. 

This  gentleman,  besides  his  holding  "  something  in 
the  nature  of  a  sinecure  ",  is  a  member  of  Parliament, 
and,  as  we  are  informed,  one  of  the  genteelest  writers 
of  the  Quarterly.  Besides  all  this,  he  is  considered 
the  best  joker  in  the  House,  with  the  exception  of  Mr. 
Canning.  He  has  not  the  wit  of  Mr.  Canning,  but 
then,  as  the  country  members  are  wont  to  say  in  a  de 
bate  on  the  causes  of  agricultural  distress,  while  they 
are  splitting  their  sides  with  laughter,  "  he  talks  so 
like  a  potato."  It  is  a  state  secret  of  which  we  have 
chanced  to  become  possessed,  that  "  The  Talking  Po 
tato  "  did  actually  come  over  here,  some  time  in  the 
late  recess  of  Parliament,  for  the  sole  purpose  of  as 
certaining  the  real  causes  of  various  naval  phenomena 
which  occurred  during  the  late  war  between  England 
and  the  United  States  —  a  subject  which  had  excited 
great  curiosity  among  my  lords  of  the  Admiralty.  We 
understand  that  he  ascertained,  pretty  clearly,  that  the 
whole  secret  lay  in  the  trifling  circumstances,  of  a 
superiority  of  ships,  officers,  seamen,  and  gunnery. 
This  discovery  put  him  in  such  good  humour,  that  he 
was  wrought  upon  to  compliment  the  people  and 
country  in  the  polite  manner  exemplified  in  the  fol 
lowing  pages.  It  is  surmised  that  the  result  of  his 
mission,  in  relation  to  naval  matters,  will  appear  in 
the  next  edition  of  Mr.  Robert  James's  *  Apology  for 

[*  There  is  a  confusion  of  names  here.  Robert  James  (1703-1776)  was 
the  inventor  of  the  celebrated  fever  powder  known  by  his  name.  The  per 
son  intended  is,  no  doubt,  William  James,  who  published  in  1822  a  "  Naval 
History  of  Great  Britain,  from  1793  to  1820  ",  in  5  volumes  octavo.  The  Ed 
inburgh  Review  and  Blackwood,  as  quoted  in  Allibone's  Dictionary  of  Au 
thors,  thus  speak  of  it:  — "  This  book  is  one  of  which  it  is  not  too  high  praise 


TO   THE   FIRST   EDITION.  181 

the  English  Navy.  With  respect  to  his  object  in 
going  to  New  Orleans,  we  have  some  suspicion  that 
it  might  have  been  a  part  of  his  mission  to  account 
for  the  wonderful  disparity  of  loss  in  the  great  battle 
between  the  British  and  the  stout  hero  who  defend 
ed  the  city. 

The  foregoing  contains  all  the  particulars  we  have 
been  able  to  obtain  in  elucidation  of  the  following 
work.  We  cannot,  however,  refrain  from  expressing 
our  earnest  hopes,  that  the  doubts  of  his  friends,  and 
the  fears  of  his  country,  in  regard  to  the  fate  of  this 
unfortunate  gentleman,  may  be  speedily  removed  by 
his  reappearing  and  claiming  this  work,  to  the  credit 
and  profits  of  which  he  is  entirely  welcome.  Should 
the  contrary  be  the  case,  we  beg  permission  to  offer 
our  sincere  condolences  —  to  my  lords  of  the  Admir 
alty  and  to  the  country  members,  on  the  loss  of  their 
favourite  jester ;  to  the  Quarterly  Review,  on  the  loss 
of  its  most  classical  writer ;  and  to  the  nation  at  large, 
on  the  loss  of  so  useful  a  person  as  "  The  Talking 
Potato." 

WASHINGTON,  10th  October,  1824. 

to  assert,  that  it  approaches  as  nearly  to  perfection,  in  its  own  line,  as  any  his 
torical  work  perhaps  ever  did ;  and  we  must  acknowledge  that  we  cannot 
contemplate  without  admiration  the  impartial  and  unwearied  zeal  for  histor 
ical  truth  which  alone  could  have  supported  the  author  through  his  tedious 
and  thankless  labours."  —  Edinburgh  Rev. 

"  His  work  is  an  inestimable  one."  — Blackwood's  Mag.    1827.] 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMEEICA; 


NEW     MUNCHAUSEN. 


CHAPTER  I. 

Impressions  of  the  author  previous  to  his  arrival  in  America  —  Embarks 
from  Liverpool  —  Voyage  —  Sea-Serpent — Arrives  at  Boston,  the  capi 
tal  of  the  state  of  Kennebunk  —  Account  of  the  city — Manners  of  the 
people  —  Mansion-House  Hotel,  kept  by  William  Renshaw,  an  English 
man —  Turbulent  spirit  of  democracy — Negroes — Earthquakes  — 
Inundations  —  Intemperance  —  Ignorance  —  Impudence  —  Barbarity  — 
Athenaeum  —  Literature  —  Naval  officer  —  Turbulent  spirit  of  democracy 
—  Quarterly  Review,  &c.  —  Leave  Boston. 

PREVIOUS  to  my  departure  for  the  Western  para 
dise  of  liberty,  my  impressions  with  regard  to  the 
country  were,  upon  the  whole,  rather  of  a  favourable 
character.  It  is  true,  I  did  not  believe  a  word  of  the 
inflated  accounts  given  by  certain  French  revolution 
ary  travellers,  such  as  Brissot,  Chastellux,  and  others ; 
much  less  of  those  of  Birkbeck,  Miss  Wright,  Cap 
tain  Hall,*  and  the  rest  of  the  radical  fry.  I  was  too 
conversant  with  the  Quarterly  Review  to  be  led 
astray  by  these  Utopian  romancers,  and  felt  pretty  well 

*  Not  Captain  Basil  Hall,  but  Captain  Francis  Hall  of  the  Light  Dra 
goons.  1837. 

[183] 


184  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

satisfied  that  the  institutions  of  the  country  were  al 
together  barbarous.  I  also  fully  believed  that  the 
people  were  a  bundling,  gouging,  drinking,  spitting, 
impious  race,  without  either  morals,  literature,  reli 
gion,  or  refinement;  and  that  the  turbulent  spirit 
of  democracy  was  altogether  incompatible  with  any 
state  of  society  becoming  a  civilized  nation.  Being 
thus  convinced  that  their  situation  was,  for  the  pres 
ent  deplorable,  and  in  the  future  entirely  hopeless 
unless  they  presently  relieved  themselves  from  the 
cumbrous  load  of  liberty  under  which  they  groaned,  I 
fell  into  a  sort  of  compassion  for  them,  such  as  we 
feel  for  condemned  criminals  having  no  hope  of 
respite  and  no  claim  to  benefit  of  clergy. 

Under  this  impression,  and  with  a  determination 
to  look  to  the  favourable  side  of  the  subject  on  all 
occasions,  to  be  pleased  with  every  thing  I  saw,  and 
to  make  a  reasonable  allowance  for  the  faults  origi 
nating  in  their  unhappy  situation,  I  left  England. 
I  can  safely  lay  my  hand  on  my  heart,  and  declare  to 
the  world  that  I  was,  and  still  am,  as  free  from  preju 
dice  against  any  nation  whatever,  as  any  English 
traveller  who  has  ever  visited  this  country. 

Being  fully  aware  of  the  superiority  of  British 
ships  and  British  sailors,  I  declined  the  advice  of 
certain  merchants  at  Liverpool  to  embark  in  one 
of  the  line  of  American  packets,  and  took  passage 
on  board  the  British  brig  Wellington,  for  Boston,  as 
my  business  was  principally  in  New  Orleans,  and  I 
wished  to  arrive  at  the  nearest  port.  I  did  not  like 
to  go  directly  for  New  Orleans,  being  apprehensive 
of  the  yellow-fever,  which  rages  there  all  the  year 
round,  with  such  virulence  that  the  people  all  die  off 


JOHN  BULL   IN   AMERICA.  185 

regularly  once  in  two  years.  Our  passage  was  Jong 
and  tedious,  so  much  so  that  the  packet  in  which  I 
was  advised  to  sail  from  Liverpool  arrived  at  Boston 
four  weeks  before  the  Wellington.  But  this  I  am 
assured  was  owing  more  to  good  fortune  than  to  any 
superiority  either  in  the  ship  or  sailors,  over  those 
of  the  mistress  of  the  seas.  I  passed  my  time  both 
pleasantly  and  profitably  in  reading  the  Quarterly. 

On  the  seventieth  day  from  losing  sight  of  Old 
England,  we  made  land  at  Cape  Hatteras,  the  east 
ern  point  of  Boston  Bay,  which  we  entered  just  be 
fore  sunset ;  and,  being  favoured  with  a  fine  fair  wind 
from  the  North,  came  up  to  the  wharf  in  about  two 
hours  from  entering  the  Capes.  Coming  up,  we  saw 
the  famous  sea-serpent,  but  he  was  nothing  to  those 
I  had  frequently  seen  in  the  Serpentine,  so  called 
from  its  abounding  in  these  articles.  Being  very 
anxious  to  go  on  shore,  I  desired  one  of  the  sailors  to 
call  a  hack,  which  very  soon  arriving,  I  ordered  the 
fellow  to  drive  me  to  the  best  hotel  in  the  place :  ac 
cordingly  he  put  me  down  at  the  Mansion-House 
Hotel,  kept  by  William  Renshaw,  a  place  of  great 
reputation  throughout  the  United  States.  The  fel 
low  charged  me  a  quarter  of  a  dollar,  which  is  twice 
as  much  as  I  should  have  paid  in  London!  Being 
determined  not  to  be  imposed  upon,  I  appealed  to 
the  landlord,  who  assured  me  it  was  all  right ;  so  I 
paid  him,  after  giving  himself  and  his  horses  a  hearty 
malediction. 

The  landlord,  civiUy  enough,  considering  the  coun 
try  I  was  in,  desired  to  know  if  I  wished  to  have  a 
room  for  the  night.  I  answered  him  in  the  affirma 
tive,  and  begged,  as  a  particular  favour,  that  he 


186  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

would  put  me  into  one  with  not  more  than  six  beds 
'in  it.  He  seemed  a  little  surprised,  but  assured  me 
my  wishes  should  be  gratified.  I  was  accordingly 
shown  into  a  neat  room  enough,  with  a  single  bed. 
Ay,  ay,  thought  I,  this  landlord  knows  how  to  dis 
tinguish  his  guests  —  but  my  wonder  subsided  when 
the  waiter,  who  I  was  surprised  to  find  was  a  white 
man,  told  me  his  master  was  an  Englishman. 

Soon  after,  I  was  called  down  to  supper,  where  I 
found  twenty  or  thirty  persons,  all  perfect  strangers 
to  me,  and  who,  seeing  I  was  a  stranger  I  suppose, 
paid  me  those  little  civilities,  which,  to  one  who 
knows  the  world,  are  always  sufficient  to  put  him 
on  his  guard.  Accordingly  I  declined  them  all,  and 
answered  the  questions  put  to  me  rather  short,  inso 
much  that  a  person,  whom  I  took  to  be  a  naval 
officer,  seemed  inclined  to  quarrel  with  me.  Nothing, 
indeed,  can  be  more  disgusting  to  a  stranger  than 
these  civilities  from  people  one  does  not  know ;  and 
nothing  gave  me  a  more  unfavourable  impression  of 
the  rude  manners  of  these  republicans,  than  the 
freedom  with  which  they  chatted  about  their  private 
affairs,  and  joked  each  other  before  me,  a  perfect 
stranger.  It  displayed  a  want  of — tact  —  a  famil 
iarity  so  different  from  the  conduct  of  people  in 
similar  circumstances  in  London,  that  I  retired  to 
my  room  in  disgust.  I  afterwards  learned  that  the 
naval  officer  threatened  to  "  lick  "  me,  as  he  called  it, 
for  my  surly  ill  manners,  as  he  was  pleased  to  de 
nominate  my  gentlemanly  reserve. 

I  retired  to  rest,  and  found  my  bed  tolerable 
enough ;  but  the  American  goose-feathers  are  by  no 
means  so  soft  as  those  of  London.  In  the  morning 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  1ST 

I  went  down  to  breakfast,  determined  to  keep  these 
forward  gentry  at  a  distance.  But  it  did  not  appear 
to  be  necessary,  as  none  of  these  rude  boors  took  the 
least  notice  of  me,  and  if  I  wanted  any  thing,  I  was 
obliged  to  call  the  waiter  to  bring  it  to  me,  for  no 
one  offered  to  hand  it  about  the  table.  I  was  exceed 
ingly  disgusted  at  this  Gothic  want  of  politeness,  which, 
however,  was  nothing  strange,  considering  the  vulgar 
habits  of  equality  which  prevail  in  this  republic ;  so 
I  called  for  a  coach,  with  an  air  of  importance,  and 
rode  round  the  city,  with  a  view  of  seeing  into  the 
character  and  habits  of  the  people. 

The  first  thing  that  struck  me,  was  the  vast  dis 
proportion  of  negroes,  in  the  streets  and  everywhere 
else.  I  may  affirm,  with  perfect  veracity,  that  nearly 
one  half  the  inhabitants  of  Boston  are  black.  Each 
of  these  poor  creatures  has  a  white  man  always 
standing  over  him,  with  a  large  club  about  the  thick 
ness  of  a  man's  arm,  with  which  he  beats  the  poor 
slave  for  his  amusement.  I  assure  you  I  have  seen, 
I  may  say,  a  thousand  instances  of  this  kind  of  a 
morning.  There  is  hardly  a  slave  here  that  has  not 
his  head  covered  with  scars,  and  bound  up  with  a 
handkerchief;  and  almost  every  step  you  take,  you 
perceive  upon  the  pavement  the  stains  of  blood, 
which,  I  am  assured  by  Governor  Hancock  himself, 
is  that  of  the  negroes.  I  have  seen  a  lady  of  the 
first  distinction  here,  walking  the  Mall,  as  it  is  called, 
with  a  stout  black  fellow  behind  her,  and  occasion 
ally  amusing  herself  with  turning  round  and  scratch 
ing  his  face  till  it  was  covered  with  blood.  This  Mall 
is  a  place  of  about  half  an  acre,  covered  with  dust, 
with  a  few  rotten  elms,  and  a  puddle  in  the  centre. 


188  JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA. 

Even  the  little  children  here  are  initiated  into  human 
blood  almost  as  soon  as  they  are  able  to  walk ;  and 
the  common  amusement  of  young  persons  is  to  stick 
pins  in  their  black  attendants,  while  every  boy  has  a 
little  negro,  of  about  his  own  age,  to  torture  for  his 
pastime. 

The  blacks  here,  as  I  was  assured  by  his  excellen 
cy  the  Governor,  whose  name  is  Hancock,  have  but 
one  meal  a  day,  which  is  principally  potatoes,  and 
fare  little  better  than  the  miserable  Irish  or  English 
peasantry  at  home.  The  Governor  told  me  a  story 
of  a  man,  who  tied  his  black  servant  naked  to  a 
stake,  in  one  of  the  canebrakes  near  the  city,  which 
abound  with  a  race  of  musketoes  that  bite  through  a 
boot.  Here  he  was  left  one  night,  in  the  month  of 
December,  which  is  a  spring  month  in  this  climate, 
and  the  next  morning  was  found  stone  dead,  without 
a  drop  of  blood  in  his  body.  I  asked  if  this  brutal 
tyrant  was  not  brought  to  justice.  The  Governor 
shrugged  up  his  shoulders,  and  replied,  that  he  was 
now  a  member  of  Congress ! 

To  an  Englishman,  who  is  accustomed  to  see  white 
men  only  in  a  state  of  slavery  and  want,  it  is  shock 
ing  to  see  black  ones  in  a  similar  situation.  My  heart 
bled  with  sympathy  for  the  wrongs  of  this  injured 
race,  and  I  could  riot  sufficiently  admire  the  philan 
thropy  of  the  members  of  the  Holy  Alliance  who  have 
lately  displayed  such  a  laudable  compassion  for  the 
blacks. 

Next  to  the  continual  recurrence  of  these  disgust 
ing  exhibitions  of  cruelty,  the  most  common  objects 
seen  in  the  streets  of  Boston,  are  drunken  men  wo 
men  and  children.  I  was  assured  by  the  Mayor,  Mr. 


JOHN   BULL   IN  AMERICA.  189 

Phillips,  one  of  the  most  charitable  and  philanthropic 
men  in  the  State  of  Maine,  that,  on  an  average,  every 
third  person  was  drunk  every  day,  by  nine  o'clock  in 
the  morning.  The  women  however,  don't  get  fud 
dled,  he  tells  me,  till  after  they  have  cleared  the  break 
fast  table  and  put  the  room  to  rights,  when  they  set 
to  and  make  merry  with  the  young  children,  not  one 
in  a  hundred  of  whom  ever  sees  the  inside  of  a  school 
or  a  church.  The  consequences  of  this  mode  of  life 
are,  that  the  whole  of  the  people  exhibit  a  ruddy  com 
plexion,  and  what  appears  at  first  sight  to  be  a  strong 
muscular  figure ;  but  on  a  closer  examination  the 
roses  will  be  found  to  be  nothing  more  than  what  is 
called  grog-blossoms,  and  the  muscular  appearance 
only  bloated  intemperance. 

Ignorance  is  the  natural  result  of  a  want  of  knowl 
edge,  as  the  Quarterly  says.  Consequently,  where 
children  never  go  to  school,  it  is  not  probable  that 
learning  will  nourish.  Accordingly,  nothing  can 
equal  the  barbarous  ignorance  of  both  the  children 
and  grown-up  persons  in  this  republican  city.  I  hap 
pened  to  be  at  the  house  of  a  judge  of  one  of  the 
courts,  and  was  astonished  to  find,  on  my  giving  his 
son,  a  boy  of  about  twelve  years  old,  a  book  to  read, 
that  he  could  not  comprehend  a  single  word!  The 
poor  mother,  who  was,  I  suppose,  a  little  mortified  on 
account  of  my  being  a  stranger,  (they  don't  mind 
these  things  among  themselves),  patted  the  booby  on 
the  back,  and  assured  me  the  poor  boy  was  so  bash 
ful!  Most  of  the  justices  of  the  peace  here,  make 
their  mark,  instead  of  signing  their  names  to  war 
rants,  &c. ;  and,  what  is  difficult  to  believe,  many  of 
the  clerks  in  the  banks  can't  write  their  names.  I 


190  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

never  saw  a  school  while  in  Boston.  There  is  a 
college,  to  be  sure,  but  I  was  assured  the  professors 
did  not  quite  understand  English.  The  Rev.  Cotton 
Mather,  one  of  the  most  enlightened  and  popular 
preachers  here,  has  written  a  book  called  the  Magna- 
lia,  in  which  he  gives  a  variety  of  witch  stories,  such 
as  would  be  laughed  at  even  among  the  Indians,  but 
which  they  all  believe  here,  as  firmly  as  Holy  Writ. 
The  work  is  just  come  out,*  and  affords  apt  illustra 
tion  of  the  state  of  the  human  intellect  on  this  side  of 
the  Atlantic. 

Religion  is,  if  possible,  in  a  worse  state  than  lite 
rature,  manners,  or  morals.  There  is  not  a  single 
church  in  Boston,  nor  any  religious  exercises  on 
Sunday,  except  in  a  few  school-rooms^  by  the  Method 
ists  and  other  fanatics.  I  am  assured  it  is  the  custom 
all  over  New  England,  as  well  as  in  the  states  of 
Newburyport  and  Pasquotank,  to  spend  the  Sabbath 
like  every  other  day  in  the  week,  except  that  they 
put  on  clean  clothes,  a  thing  never  thought  of,  even 
among  the  most  fashionable  ladies,  except  on  that  oc 
casion. 

Boston  is  a  terrible  place  for  fevers  and  agues. 
Every  one  of  the  inhabitants,  except  the  slaves,  is  af 
flicted  with  them  in  the  spring  and  autumn,  as  sure  as 
the  leaves  appear  in  the  former,  and  fall  in  the  latter. 
The  consequence  is,  that  they  look  like  so  many 
peakish  and  miserable  ghosts,  and,  if  you  go  into  the 
shops,  you  may  hear  the  money  jingling  in  the  pock 
ets  of  the  shop-keepers  by  the  mere  force  of  habit, 

[*  The  Magnolia  was  printed  in  London,  in  folio,  in  1702  ...  It  was  not  till 
1820  that  it  was  reprinted  in  America,  at  Hartford. — Duyckinck'ls  Cyc.  of 
Am.  Lit.} 


JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA.  191 

even  if  the  poor  man  should  happen,  at  that  moment, 
to  be  free  from  the  ague,  or  "  shake,"  as  they  call  it. 

Besides  this,  they  have  earthquakes  and  inunda 
tions,  three  times  a  week  if  not  more.  After  the 
earthquake  generally  comes  an  inundation,  which 
destroys  all  the  crops  for  hundreds  of  miles  round, 
and  covers  the  country  so  that  the  tops  of  trees  and 
chimneys  just  appear  above  the  water.  This  is  suc 
ceeded  by  a  fog  so  thick,  that  many  persons  are  lost 
in  the  streets  of  Boston,  and  wander  about  several 
days,  without  being  able  to  find  any  of  the  houses. 
This  is  the  origin  of  the  phrase  "  I  guess,"  so  univer 
sal  in  New  England ;  for  these  fogs  are  so  common, 
that  one  half  the  time  people  are  obliged  to  "  guess " 
at  what  they  are  about.  Hence,  too,  the  half  pint  of 
whiskey  which  every  man  takes  in  the  morning  the 
first  thing  he  does  after  getting  up,  is  called  an  anti- 
fogmatic. 

These  are  the  principal  things  I  observed  in  my 
morning's  ride.  At  dinner  the  naval  officer  took  oc 
casion  to  make  himself  most  indecently  merry  with 
certain  sarcasms  on  the  stupid,  surly,  self-importance, 
which  some  people  attempted  to  pass  off  for  real 
dignity  and  high  breeding.  The  rudeness  of  republic 
anism,  indeed,  is  obvious  to  the  most  superficial  ob 
server,  from  the  first  moment  a  man  sets  foot  in  this 
country  of  beastly  equality.  After  dinner,  a  person 
who  had  been  troubling  me  with  his  attentions  since 
my  arrival,  offered  to  carry  me  to  the  Athenaeum,  a 
great  literary  institution,  where  they  talk  politics  and 
read  newspapers,  which  they  mistake  for  literature. 
I  must  not  forget  to  observe,  that  nothing  can  be 
worse  than  the  taste  of  these  people,  which  is  per- 


192  JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA. 

fectly  barbarous,  except  their  genius,  which  is  per 
fectly  barren.  Nothing  is  read  here  but  newspapers, 
almanacs,  dying-speeches,  ghost  stories,  and  the  like. 
Their  greatest  scholar  is  Noah  Webster,  who  com 
piled  a  spelling-book,  and  their  greatest  poet  the 
author  of  Yankee  Doodle.  The  utmost  effort  of  re 
publican  genius  is  to  write  an  additional  stanza  to 
this  famous  song,  which,  in  consequence  of  these  per 
petual  contributions,  is,  by  this  time,  almost  as  long 
as  a  certain  Persian  poem,  which,  if  I  recollect  right, 
consisted  of  one  hundred  and  twenty  thousand  verses. 

I  brought  letters  to  some  of  the  principal  magnifi- 
coes  here,  but  did  not  deliver  them.  I  like  the  dinners 
and  old  wine  of  these  vulgarians,  but  really  it  is  pay 
ing  too  much  for  them  to  be  obliged  to  listen  to  their 
vulgar  hemp,  cotton,  tobacco,  and  nankeen  specula 
tions,  without  being  allowed  the  privilege  of  laughing, 
or  even  yawning  in  their  stupid  faces.  Then  one  is 
obliged  to  drink  wine  with  madam,  be  civil  to  her 
dowdy  daughters  who  "  guess  they  have  no  occasion 
for  dancing,"  and  —  what  is  the  climax  of  horrors  — 
retire  from  the  dinner-table  to  the  drawing-room,  to 
hear  miss  break  the  sixth  commandment  in  the  matter 
of  half  a  dozen  sonatas,  and  two  dozen  of  Moore's 
Melodies. 

By  the  time  I  had  sojourned  a  single  day  in  the 
land  of  promise,  I  began  to  be  mortally  ennuye.  I 
inquired  of  the  waiter  if  there  was  any  thing  in  the 
fancy  way  going  on.  He  replied,  there  were  plenty 
of  fancy  stores  in  Court  street !  I  asked  if  there  was 
likely  to  be  a  mob  soon,  as  I  had  heard  these  republi 
cans  amused  themselves  in  that  way.  He  replied, 
that  mobs  never  happened  in  Boston.  Any  execu- 


JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA.  193 

tions  ?  No.  "  My  G — d,"  exclaimed  I  in  despair, 
"  what  a  dull  place ! "  I  devoted  the  evening  to  pack 
ing  up,  and,  after  supper,  being  desirous  to  make  an 
impression  on  these  bumpkin  demos,  called  out  loudly 
to  the  waiter,  in  my  best  Corinthian  tone  — "  Waiter! 
—  you  infernal  waiter ! "  "  Here,  sir."  "  Waiter,  bring 
a  boot-jack  and  pair  of  slippers."  "Waiter  —  you 
infernal  waiter,"  replied  a  voice  which  I  took  for  an 
echo.  "  Here,  sir,"  said  the  waiter.  "  Waiter,  bring 
me  two  boot-jacks,  and  two  pair  of  slippers."  On 
looking  round,  I  perceived  the  echo  was  my  old  en 
emy,  the  naval  officer.  Being  determined,  however,  to 
take  no  notice  of  such  a  low  fellow,  I  again  called  out 
— "  Waiter,  bring  a  candle  into  my  chamber,  and  a 
warmingpan  to  warm  my  bed."  "  Waiter,  bring, 
two  candles,  and  two  warmingpans,  into  my  cham 
ber  :  I  shall  sleep  in  two  beds  to  night ",  cried  echo. 
I  gave  him  a  look  of  withering  contempt  and  walked 
out  of  the  room,  leaving  behind  me  a  horse-laugh, 
which,  as  I  judged,  proceeded  from  these  illiterate 
cyclops.  Before  I  went  to  bed  I  looked  over  the 
fifty-eighth  number  of  the  Quarterly,  to  refresh  my 
memory. 


13 


194  JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA. 


CHAPTER  H. 

Turbulent  spirit  of  democracy  —  Leave  Boston  for  Charleston,  N.C.  —  Great 
ship  —  Captain  Hull  —  Eating  negroes  —  Cruelty  —  Judge  D.  —  Yankee 
dinner  —  Mode  of  eating  —  Terrapins,  cant  word  for  young  negroes  — 
System  of  farming  —  Yale  college  —  Ignorance  of  the  professor  —  Hoax 
—  Turbulent  spirit  of  democracy  —  Turkey  Buzzards,  called  eagles 
here  —  Fogs  —  Drunken  driver  —  Mail  robbers  —  Wild  beasts  —  Little 
Frenchman  —  Turbulent  spirit  of  democracy  —  Yankee  breakfast  — 
Judge,  colonel,  deacon,  driver  —  Spirit  of  democracy  —  Shooting  at  a 
mark  —  Unlucky  mistake  —  Spirit  of  democracy  —  Catastrophe  of 
Ramsbottom,  &c. 

BEING  determined  to  hold  as  little  communication 
as  possible  with  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democracy,  the 
next  day,  without  asking  any  questions,  I  took  the 
stage,  crossed  a  bridge  to  the  north  of  Boston  which 
bestrides  the  Potomac  river,  and  in  less  than  half  an 
hour  arrived  in  Charleston,  the  capital  of  the  state  of 
North  Carolina,  a  city  famous  for  eating  negroes.  It 
is  about  three  miles  from  Boston.  There  is  a  navy- 
yard  at  this  place,  which  I  visited,  and  saw  a  ship 
building  there  which  is  four  hundred  and  twenty  yards 
long,  and,  as  Capt.  Hull,  the  commandant,  assured  me, 
would  carry  three  hundred  long  forty-two  pounders. 
She  is  called  a  seventy-four !  The  captain,  who  is  a 
tall  rough-looking  man,  with  black  eyes  and  immense 
whiskers,  told  me  in  confidence,  that  the  only  way  he 
could  persuade  the  Yankee  sailors  to  stand  to  their 
guns  in  his  engagement  with  the  gallant  Dacres,  was 
by  promising  them,  in  case  of  victory,  to  roast  the  fat 
black  cook  of  the  Constellation,  as  his  ship  was  called, 
for  supper.  Nothing  will  make  these  cannibal  repub 
licans  fight  like  a  temptation  of  this  sort. 

Charleston  is  about  the  size  of  Boston,  but  has 


JOHN   BULL  IN   AMERICA.  195 

neither  pavements  nor  sidewalks,  and  alternates  be 
tween  mud  and  dust,  and  dust  and  mud.  In  summer 
it  is  all  dust,  in  winter  all  mud.  Indeed  I  began 
to  perceive,  the  moment  I  arrived  here,  that  I  had  got 
amongst  a  different  sort  of  people  from  those  of  Bos 
ton.  There  was  no  one  to  be  seen  in  the  streets  but 
negroes  stark  naked  as  they  were  born,  with  their 
backs  striped  like  a  leopard  in  consequence  of  the 
frequent  application  of  the  lash.  In  fact,  the  principal 
article  for  sale  here  at  the  retail  shops,  is  the  cow-hide, 
as  it  is  called,  that  is,  a  hard  ox-skin,  twisted  in 
the  shape  of  a  whip.  Almost  every  man  you  see  has 
one  of  these  in  his  hand,  and  a  spur  at  his  heel,  to 
make  people  believe  he  carries  the  whip  for  his  horse. 
But  I  was  assured  by  the  head  waiter  at  the  City 
Hotel,  kept  by  Mr.  Chester  Jennings,*  in  Charleston, 
that  it  was  for  the  purpose  of  beating  the  slaves. 
Nothing  indeed  will  tempt  the  whites  to  exert  them 
selves  in  this  enervating  climate,  but  the  luxury  of 
"  licking  a  fellow,"  as  they  call  it ;  and  almost  the  first 
thing  I  noticed,  in  coming  into  the  city,  was  a  tall, 
lank,  cadaverous  figure,  strutting  up  and  down,  cut 
ting  and  hacking  with  his  cow-hide  at  every  negro 
man,  woman,  and  child,  that  came  in  his  way.  I  in 
quired  of  the  driver  what  these  blacks  had  been  guilty 
of.  "  Guilty,"  replied  he,  «  guilty  —  eh !  O,  lord  bless 

you  sir,  it's  only  Judge  D amusing  himself  with 

the  niggers."  It  made  my  heart  bleed  to  see  the 
blood  running  down  their  backs.  It  was  almost  as 
bad  as  shooting  the  Irish  peasants  for  being  out  after 
nine  o'clock. 

[*  Well  known  in  New  York,  forty  years  ago,  as  the  landlord  of  the  City 
Hotel.] 


196  JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA. 

I  had  scarcely  been  at  my  hotel  an  hour  when  this 

same  Judge  D called  upon  me,  as  a  stranger,  and 

invited  me  to  dinner  the  next  day.  My  blood  rose 
up  against  the  brute,  but  as  I  wished  to  see  whether 
some  of  the  stories  told  about  these  people,  and 
which  they  deny,  were  true,  I  accepted  his  invitation. 

The  party  consisted  of  Judge  D 's  wife,  two 

daughters,  and  about  a  dozen  of  the  principal  men 
of  the  place,  among  whom  was  the  governor  of  South 
Carolina,  Mr.  Heister.*  Behind  each  of  the  seats,  as 
well  the  judge's  as  those  of  his  lady  and  daughters, 
stood  a  black  boy  or  girl,  as  it  happened,  perfectly 
naked,  and  each  of  the  guests  was  provided  with  a 
cow-hide,  with  which  to  chastise  any  neglect  of  duty 
on  the  part  of  the  slaves.  There  was  cut  and  come 
again.  The  judge  and  his  guests  cut  their  meat  and 
cut  the  negroes,  alternately,  and  I  particularly  noticed 
the  dexterity  of  the  young  ladies  in  touching  the 
tender  places  with  the  cow-hide,  as  well  as  their  in 
finite  delight  in  seeing  the  victims  wince  under  the 
application.  One  of  these  poor  wretches  having  the 
misfortune  to  break  a  plate  during  dinner,  was  taken 
out,  put  under  the  window  by  the  overseer,  and  beat 
so  cruelly  that  her  moans  were  heard  over  half  the 
city.  When  she  came  in  again,  the  tears  were  roll 
ing  down  her  cheeks,  and  the  blood  trickling  down 
her  naked  back.  The  indifference  with  which  every 
one  of  the  company  but  myself  beheld  all  this,  con 
vinced  me  that  it  was  the  custom  of  the  country. 

The  dinner  was,  in  the  main,  good  enough.  That 
is  to  say,  there  was  a  plenty  of  things  naturally  good, 

[*  Joseph  Heister  was  governor  of  Pennsylvania,  from  December  1820  to 
December  1823.] 


JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA.  197 

but,  what  was  very  remarkable,  it  was  brought  up  in 
wooden  dishes,  out  of  which  they  all  helped  them 
selves  with  their  fingers,  knives  and  forks  not  being  in 
use  in  America,  except  among  a  few  English  people. 
There  was  a  very  suspicious  dish  on  the  table,  which 
they  called  terrapin  soup,  in  which  I  observed  what 
had  exactly  the  appearance  of  the  fingers  and  toes  of 
little  negroes.  I  afterwards  learned  that  this  was 
actually  the  case,  and  that  terrapin  is  the  cant  name 
for  black  children,  as  papoose  is  for  those  of  the  In 
dians.  During  the  dessert,  an  unlucky  slave  happened 
to  let  fall  a  knife  to  which  he  was  helping  his  mistress, 
who  snatched  it  up  in  a  great  passion  and  gave  him  a 
deep  gash  in  the  face.  I  dropt  my  knife  and  fork  in 
astonishment,  but  nobody  else  seemed  to  notice  this 
horrible  incident. 

The  next  morning  I  strolled  out  into  the  fields, 
with  a  view  of  seeing  the  system  of  rural  economy 
practised  in  the  South.  One  of  the  best-managed 
plantations,  I  was  told,  was  that  of  his  excellency 
Governor  Hancock,  whose  name  is  signed  to  the 
declaration  of  independence,  said  to  be  written  by  one 
Jefferson,*  a  player  belonging  to  the  Philadelphia 
theatre.  The  governor  is  a  brisk,  troublesome  little 
man,  about  forty.  His  plantation  is  at  a  place  called 
Ompompoonoosuck  —  a  name  redolent  of  barbarism. 
I  saw  plenty  of  slaves,  and  a  scarcity  of  every  thing 
else.  The  principal  products  are  rice,  cotton,  and 
tobacco.  The  rice  grows  generally  upon  the  high 
grounds ;  but  the  cotton  requires  to  be  covered  with 

[*  Joseph  Jefferson,  represented  by  the  critics  of  his  time  as  an  excellent 
actor  —  grandfather  of  his  namesake,  whom  we  of  the  present  day  know  to 
be  admirably  gifted  in  the  same  art.] 


198  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

water  occasionally.  The  best  is  called  Sea  Island, 
because  it  grows  upon  little  islands  in  the  mill-ponds, 
which  the  people  here,  according  to  their  universal 
practice  of  hyperbole,  call  seas.  As  for  the  tobacco, 
this  filthy  and  unwholesome  weed  is  found  to  flourish 
best  in  the  negro  grave-yards,  where  it  is  commonly 
raised,  and  where  you  may  every  day  during  the 
month  of  January,  when  it  is  ripe,  see  the  children 
of  the  slaves  gathering  it  from  the  very  graves  of 
their  parents.  This  tobacco  is  used  as  food  by  men, 
women,  and  children,  who  eat  it  as  we  do  salad. 
Here  I  saw  the  poor  negroes  working  bare-headed, 
and  I  might  say  bare-backed,  in  the  broiling  sun, 
which  sometimes  actually  sets  fire  to  their  woolly 
heads,  of  which  I  saw  several  examples  in  the  course 
of  my  travels.  Two  or  three  heads  were  already 
beginning  to  smoke,  and  I  was  told,  if  I  staid  half  an 
hour  longer  I  might  see  them  in  a  blaze.  However, 
having  seen  enough  to  convince  me  that  the  system 
of  farming  here  was  execrable,  and  finding  it  getting 
rather  cold,  I  returned  home  by  another  route,  which 
gave  me  an  opportunity  of  seeing  Yale  college. 

In  reconnoitring  about,  I  fell  in  with  one  of  the 
professors,  to  whom,  willing  to  see  whether  the  poor 
man  understood  Latin,  I  paid  my  compliments  in 
forma  pauperis.  The  professor,  after  staring  at  me 
with  a  most  ludicrous  expression  of  ignorant  wonder, 
asked  me  whence  I  came,  and  upon  my  answering 
"  last  from  Charleston,  South  Carolina,"  shrugged  up 
his  shoulders,  and  replied,  "it  was  really  so  far  off, 
that  he  could  not  undertake  to  direct  me,"  although 
the  steeples  were  full  in  sight !  From  this  we  may 
j  udge  of  the  state  of  learning  and  information  on  this 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  199 

side  the  Pacific.  Being  determined  to  hoax  these 
poor  souls,  I  filled  a  box  with  pebbles,  old  mortar,  and 
crumbling  brick-bats,  which  I  sent  to  the  faculty  as  a 
valuable  set  of  American  minerals ;  whereupon  they 
unanimously  bestowed  upon  me  the  degree  of  doctor 
of  laws.  There  were  some  vitrified  masses  I  picked 
up  near  an  old  glass-house  which  caused  great  specu 
lation,  being  considered  unquestionable  volcanic  pro 
ductions.  When  questioned  as  to  their  locality,  I 
sent  them  on  a  wild-goose-chase  in  search  of  a  burn 
ing  mountain. 

Becoming  tired  of  Charleston,  its  negroes  and  tur 
key-buzzards,  (which  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democ 
racy  has  dubbed  eagles),  and  desirous  of  getting  to 
New  Orleans  as  early  as  possible,  I  took  a  seat  in  the 
stage  for  Portsmouth,  Georgia,  and  departed  before 
daylight  the  next  morning.  When  it  should  have 
been  daylight,  the  fog  was  so  thick  it  was  impossible 
to  see  the  leaders,  and  I  expressed  some  apprehension. 
One  of  the  passengers  assured  me  however,  that,  as 
the  driver  was  drunk  as  a  matter  of  course,  daylight 
was  of  no  consequence  —  it  was  trusting  to  Provi 
dence  at  all  events.  Indeed,  I  am  assured  by  persons 
of  veracity,  that  travellers  in  this  country  place  their 
chief  dependence  on  the  horses,  who,  being  left  pretty 
much  to  themselves  in  consequence  of  the  intoxica 
tion  of  the  drivers,  acquire  a  singular  discretion,  and 
seldom  run  away  except  when  the  driver  is  sober. 
Thus  we  travelled  under  the  guidance  of  instinct,  till 
near  ten  o'clock,  when  objects  gradually  became  visi 
ble  along  the  road.  The  driver  about  this  time  waked 
up,  and  I  was  congratulating  myself  on  his  appear 
ing  sober;  but  the  same  communicative  passenger 


200  JOHN  BULL  IN   AMERICA. 

assured  me  it  was  of  no  consequence,  for  he  would 
be  drunk  again  by  the  time  breakfast  was  over. 

I  had  heard  a  great  deal  about  the  populousness  of 
the  country  in  the  neighbourhood  of  Boston  ;  but  I  can 
safely  affirm  that,  during  the  whole  of  this  morning's 
ride,  I  sawr  neither  house  nor  human  being  along  the 
road.  We  heard  indeed  a  deal  of  barking  and  howling 
at  no  great  distance,  which  the  communicative  pas 
senger  assured  me  was  that  of  various  kinds  of  wild 
beasts,  that  abound  in  these  parts.  He  told  me  they 
frequently  surrounded  the  stage,  devoured  the  horses, 
and,  if  their  hunger  was  not  then  satisfied,  topped  off 
with  the  driver  and  passengers.  Indeed,  what  with 
mail  robberies,  which  happened  almost  every  night, 
and  attacks  of  wild  beasts,  there  was  little  hope  of 
getting  to  the  end  of  a  journey  of  a  dozen  miles  alive. 
"  Boutez  en  avant  /,"  roared  out  a  Little  Frenchman  in 
a  corner,  taking  a  great  pinch  of  snuff  at  the  same 
time.  All  this,  thought  I,  comes  of  the  turbulent  spirit 
of  democracy. 

Breakfasting  at  a  little  town,  which,  like  all  other 
towns  in  this  country,  is  called  the  city  of  Hartford,  I 
saw  a  young  lady  devour  thirty-six  cucumbers  moist 
ened  with  a  quart  of  vinegar.  After  which,  she  sat 
down,  played  Lodoiska  on  the  piano,  and  then  went 
into  the  field  to  pull  onions.  Such  horrible  incon 
gruities  are  generated  in  the  rankness  of  democracy ! 
There  was  a  child  of  about  eight  years  old  in  the 
room,  who  called  for  an  antifogmatic,  which  he  drank 
off  at  one  swallow,  after  which  he  lighted  a  cigar  and 
amused  himself  with  singeing  the  woolly  pate  of  a 
little  black  boy,  or  terrapin  as  they  call  them  when 
made  into  soup.  According  to  the  prediction  of  the 


JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA.  201 

communicative  passenger,  the  driver  was  nodding 
again  on  his  seat  in  less  than  half  an  hour  after  start 
ing.  I  was  so  provoked  that  I  threatened  to  lick  him, 
as  the  naval  officer  said  at  Boston.  But  the  commu 
nicative  passenger  cautioned  me  against  this,  assuring 
me  the  driver  was  a  man  of  great  consequence  —  a 
member  of  congress — judge  of  the  court  —  colonel  of 
militia — justice  of  the  peace  —  deacon  of  the  church 
—  constable,  and  keeper  of  the  county  jail  withal. 
"  So,"  continued  the  communicative  passenger,  "  he 
can  issue  a  warrant  —  take  you  into  custody  —  try 
you  for  an  assault  —  clap  you  in  jail  —  keep  watch 
over  you  when  there  —  and  finally,  have  you  prayed 
against  by  the  whole  congregation."  "  Diable !  "  ex 
claimed  the  little  Frenchman,  in  broken  English ; 
"  these  democrat  Yankees  have  as  many  offices  as 
their  citizen-hogs  have  hind  legs."  "  Why,  how  many 
legs  have  our  citizen-hogs,  as  you  call  them,  mon 
sieur  ?  ",  said  the  communicative  passenger.  "  Why, 
eight  at  least,"  replied  the  other,  "  or  they  could  never 
furnish  the  millions  of  hams  which  I  see  every  where. 
Diable !  I  have  breakfasted  upon  ham  —  dined  upon 
ham  —  and  supped  upon  ham,  every  day  since  I  ar 
rived  in  this  country.  Yes  sir,  it  is  certain  your  pigs 
must  have  at  least  eight  hams  a  piece ; "  upon  which 
he  politely  offered  me  a  pinch  of  snuff,  which  I  refused 
with  cold  dignity.  If  I  know  myself,  I  have  no  na 
tional  prejudices  ;  but  I  do  hate  Frenchmen. 

Though  anxious  to  gain  information,  I  cannot  con 
descend  to  mix  with  these  rank  republicans,  ask  ques 
tions,  and  take  the  usual  means  of  gaining  it.  I 
wanted  to  know  the  reason  of  such  a  multiplicity  of 
offices  being  united  in  one  person ;  but  it  was  enough 


202  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

for  me  to  permit  these  low-lived  scum  of  democracy 
to  give  me  information,  without  demeaning  myself  to 
ask  for  it.  Luckily  the  little  Frenchman,  like  all  his 
detestable  countrymen,  was  fond  of  talking.  "  Pray," 
said  he,  "  how  comes  it  that  his  honour  the  colonel, 
deacon,  stage-driver,  has  so  many  offices ;  or,  as  you 
Yankees  say,  so  many  irons  in  the  fire  ?  One  would 
think  that  men  were  as  scarce  in  this  country,  as  hams 
are  plenty."  "  Why,  the  truth  is,"  replied  the  com 
municative  traveller,  "  that  being  one  of  three  persons 
out  of  the  whole  county  that  can  read,  it  is  necessary 
he  should  labour  in  a  variety  of  vocations,  for  the  good 
of  his  country.  Besides,  as  every  democrat  is  by  na 
ture  and  habit  a  drunkard,  a  sober  man  among  them 
is  like  a  good  singer  at  a  feast ;  the  one  is  knocked 
down  for  all  the  songs,  and  the  other  is  under  the  ne 
cessity  of  playing  the  jack-of-all-trades."  "  Diable ! " 
exclaimed  the  little  Frenchman,  "  do  you  call  this 
colonel  stage-driver  a  sober  man  ?  "  "  Why,  not  ex 
actly,"  replied  the  other;  "but  this  valuable  person 
has  been  drinking  so  long  and  so  constantly,  that  ha 
bit  has  become  second  nature,  and  he  is  never  so  wise, 
valiant,  discreet,  and  pious,  as  when  he  is  full  charged 
with  apple-brandy."  So  much  for  the  spirit  of  de 
mocracy,  thought  I. 

The  country  through  which  we  passed,  everywhere 
exhibits  traces  of  the  lazy,  ragged,  and  dirty  genius  of 
democracy,  who  prides  himself  on  his  beggary,  and 
riots  in  the  want  of  all  those  elegancies  which  civilized 
nations  consider  essential  to  existence.  A  few  miser 
able  negro  huts  without  roof  or  windows,  and  a  few 
half-starved,  half-naked  negroes,  dot  the  sterile  land 
scape  here  and  there.  The  only  white  people  we  saw, 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  203 

were  a  knot  of  half-drunken  savages,  assembled  about 
a  log- hut,  shooting  at  a  mark.  Here  we  stopped  to 
water  the  horses,  and  I  looked  about  to  see  the  mark 
at  which  they  were  trying  their  skill.  "  You  are  curi 
ous,"  said  the  communicative  traveller,  "  to  know 
what  they  are  shooting  at.  Look  at  that  little  negro. 
They  will  tie  him  to  yonder  post  anon,  and  shoot  at 
him  till  he  is  torn  to  atoms,  as  they  do  at  turkeys,  for 
sixpence  a  shot."  Another  proof  of  the  horrible  spirit 
of  democracy.  The  person  who  gave  me  this  informa 
tion  added,  that  when  they  had  finished  this  trial  of 
skill,  they  would,  in  all  probability,  turn  to  and  take 
a  few  shots  at  each  other  for  mere  amusement. 

We  arrived  at  Portsmouth,  an  inland  town,  capital 
of  Georgia,  where,  being  heartily  sick  of  this  bund 
ling,  guessing,  tippling  den  of  democracy,  I  thought 
I  would,  for  once,  depart  from  my  ordinary  rule,  and 
inquire  when  I  might  calculate  on  getting  to  New 
Orleans.  I  accordingly  put  the  question  to  the  land 
lord;  but  the  little  impatient  Frenchman,  who  was 
close  at  my  heels,  took  the  word  — "  New  Orleans ! 
Diable !  are  you  going  to  New  Orleans,  monsieur  ?  " 
Thinking  his  surprise  might  have  some  connexion 
with  the  yellow-fever,  I  was  thrown  off  my  guard,  and, 
before  I  knew  it,  condescended  to  answer,  "  Yes,  I 
am  "  —  but  with  cold  dignity.  The  little  villain  took 
a  huge  pinch  of  snuff,  blew  his  nose  like  a  trumpet, 
and  exclaimed  —  "  To  New  Orleans!  You  are  going 
to  New  Orleans,  and  I  am  going  away  from  it  as  fast 
as  I  possibly  can !  One  of  us  must  be  going  the  wrong 
way,  that's  certain.  Pray,"  said  he,  turning  to  the 
communicative  traveller,  "will  monsieur  be  good 
enough  to  tell  me  whether  I  am  travelling  north  or 


204  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

south,  to  New  Orleans  or  Passamaquoddy  ?  "  "  Due 
north  —  in  the  very  eye  of  the  North  star  —  to  Passa 
maquoddy,  and  not  to  New  Orleans,  monsieur,"  an 
swered  the  other.  "  Monsieur,"  said  the  little  villain, 
turning  to  me,  and  offering  a  pinch  of  snuff  with  a 
low  bow  — "  Monsieur,  when  you  get  into  a  stage 
coach,  do  you  ever  condescend  to  inquire  where  it  is 
going  ?  I  am  an  old  traveller,  and,  as  we  are  going  to 
part,  never  perhaps  to  meet  again,  let  me  conjure  you, 
by  the  memory  of  your  ancestors  and  the  victory  of 
Waterloo,  never  to  set  out  on  a  journey  without  in 
quiring  whither  you  are  going.  However,  monsieur, 
it  is  an  ill  wind  that  blows  nobody  good.  I  am  going 
no  farther  North  than  this  place,  shall  finish  my  busi 
ness  here  this  afternoon,  and  to-morrow,  if  monsieur 
pleases,  we  will  set  out  for  the  South,  which  I  assure 
you  is  the  very  best  way  to  New  Orleans."  "  And 
I,"  said  the  communicative  traveller,  "  shall  also  re 
turn  in  the  morning,  and  mean  to  go  South  as  far 
as  the  city  of  Charleston,  so  that  we  shall  have  the 
pleasure  of  each  other's  company  for  a  thousand  miles 
at  least."  "  A  thousand  miles ! "  repeated  I,  for 
here  again  surprise  overcame  my  dignified  reserve  — 

"  Why,  I  thought " .     But  I  stopped  short,  being 

unwilling  to  give  the  little  rascal  of  a  Frenchman 
another  laugh,  by  letting  him  into  the  secret  of  a 
certain  blunder  which  shall  be  nameless.  "  On  the 
whole,"  observed  the  communicative  traveller,  "you 
have  not  lost  much  by  this  little  ride  out,  of  your 
way.  You  have  had  an  opportunity  of  seeing  one 
of  the  finest  and  best-cultivated  parts  of  the  country ; 
and  a  portion  of  the  most  moral,  as  well  as  enlight 
ened,  of  the  people.  And  you  have  lost  no  time  by 


JOHN   BULL  IN   AMERICA.  205 

the  little  excursion,  for,  I  am  credibly  informed,  such 
has  been  the  mortality  at  New  Orleans,  that  there  ia 
not  a  single  human  being  left  alive  there.  Nay,  the 
very  dogs,  cats,  and  parrots  are  extinct.  You  may  as 
well  wait,  therefore,  till  it  is  peopled  again,  which  will 
be  very  soon,  for  the  folks  in  this  country,  particularly 
the  democrats,  don't  mind  dying  in  the  summer, 
if  they  can  only  have  a  merry  winter  beforehand." 
Here  our  conversation  was  interrupted  by  a  loud  cry 
of  "  Help  —  murder  —  help ! "  proceeding  from  an  ad 
joining  room.  On  running  in  to  see  what  was  the 
matter,  we  found  that  a  son  of  the  landlord,  (who,  by 
the  way,  was  a  general),  about  eight  years  of  age, 
had  thrown  his  mother  down  on  the  floor,  and  was 
beating,  biting,  scratching,  and  mauling  her  in  a  dread 
ful  manner,  while  the  general  stood  by,  laughing  and 
clapping  his  hands  in  ecstacy,  every  moment  crying 
out,  "That's  it  — that's  my  fine  fellow— O!  he'll 
make  a  brave  republican !  "  Such  are  the  first  lessons 
of  children  in  this  chosen  land  of  bundling,  gouging, 
drunkenness,  impertinence,  impiety  —  and,  to  sum  up 
all  in  one  word,  democracy. 

Heaven  be  praised,  thought  I,  the  force  of  democ 
racy  can  go  no  further;  but  I  was  mistaken  with  a 
vengeance.  Just  at  this  moment  we  had  a  terrible 
explosion,  which  I  at  first  thought  was  the  little 
Frenchman  sneezing :  but  it  turned  out,  on  inquiry, 
to  be  something  of  a  far  different  nature.  Though 
my  heart  sickens  at  the  bare  recital,  I  shall  give  the 
story,  for  the  benefit  of  all  the  admirers  of  democracy. 

It  seems  a  fellow  of  the  name  of  Ramsbottom, 
a  man-milliner  by  trade,  and  a  roaring  patriot,  had 
taken  offence  at  a  neighbour  whose  name  was  Hig- 


206  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

ginbottom,  because  his  wife  had  attempted  to  cheapen 
a  crimped  tucker,  and  afterwards  reported  that  he  sold 
his  articles  much  dearer  than  his  rival  man-milliner 
over  the  way,  whose  name  was  Winterbottom,  and 
whose  next-door  neighbour,  one  Oddy,  was  Winter- 
bottom's  particular  friend.  In  the  pure  spirit  of  de 
mocracy,  Ramsbottom  determined  to  dirk,  not  only 
Higginbottom  and  his  wife,  and  Winterbottom,  and 
Oddy,  and  their  wives;  but  all  the  young  Higgin- 
bottoms,  Winterbottoms,  Oddys,  and  little  Oddities. 
It  was  some  years  before  Ramsbottom  could  get  them 
all  together,  so  as  to  make  one  job  of  it.  At  last  he 
collected  the  whole  party  at  his  own  house,  to  spend 
their  Christmas  eve,  and  determined  to  execute  his 
diabolical  purpose.  It  appears,  however,  from  what 
followed,  that  he  had  previously  changed  his  mind  as 
to  the  dirking,  probably  because  it  was  too  much 
trouble :  (for  these  democrats  hate  trouble  above  all 
things).  Just  as  they  were  up  to  the  eyes  in  a  Christ 
mas-pie,  the  explosion  which  I  had  just  heard  took 
place,  and  the  whole  party,  Ramsbottom,  Higgin 
bottom,  Winterbottom,  and  Oddy,  together  with  their 
wives,  and  all  the  little  Ramsbottoms,  Winterbottoms, 
Higginbottoms,  Oddys,  and  Oddities,  were  blown  into 
such  small  atoms  that  not  a  vestige  of  them  was  to 
be  found.  I  saw  their  bodies  afterwards,  all  terribly 
mangled  and  torn  to  pieces.  Such  is  the  intense  and 
never-dying  spirit  of  vengeance  generated  by  the  tur 
bulent  spirit  of  democracy,  that  the  desperado,  Rams 
bottom,  it  appears,  did  not  scruple,  like  the  republican 
Samson  of  old,  to  pull  down  destruction  on  himself, 
that  he  might  be  revenged  on  his  enemies. 


JOHN  BULL  IN   AMERICA.  207 


CHAPTER  HI. 

Little  Frenchman  —  Treatment  of  Slaves  —  Mode  of  baking  sawdust  cakes 
—  Kitchen-furniture  —  Spirit  of  Democracy  —  Apostrophe  —  Mode  of 
paying  bills  by  the  Yankees  and  French  —  Little  Frenchman  again  — 
Solitary  inn  —  Attempt  to  rob  and  murder  the  author  —  Bandit  disguised 
as  a  stage-driver  —  Arrival  at  Boston  —  Gives  the  little  Frenchman  the 
slip. 

IN  order  to  get  rid  of  the  little  Frenchman,  with  his 
confounded  mahogany  face,  gold  ear-rings,  and  dimity 
breeches,  who  seemed  inclined  to  be  impertinently 
jocular  with  my  mistaking  the  way  to  New  Orleans, 
I  determined  to  say  nothing,  but  defer  my  journey  a 
day  longer. 

Accordingly  I  apprized  the  landlord  of  my  inten 
tion,  and  suffered  the  stage  to  depart  without  me. 
With  a  view  to  keep  up  my  dignity,  as  well  as  to  ac 
quire  all  the  information  possible,  in  relation  to  the 
country,  its  people,  and  manners,  I  determined  to  re 
main  in  my  room  all  day,  take  my  meals  in  dignified 
retirement,  and  seize  every  opportunity  of  question 
ing  the  waiter.  From  him  I  gathered  many  precious 
items  concerning  the  blessed  effects  of  the  turbulent 
spirit  of  democracy. 

He  solemnly  assured  me,  that  all  the  servants  eat 
off  the  kitchen  floor,  which,  in  these  parts,  instead  of 
boards,  is  usually  of  mud,  well  trodden  by  the  pigs. 
In  this  land  of  equality,  these  animals  are  admitted  to 
all  the  privileges  of  citizenship,  vote  at  elections,  and, 
I  believe,  are  eligible  to  the  highest  offices,  provided 
they  are  natural-born  pigs.  On  my  inquiring  how 
they  understood  the  votes  of  these  freeholders,  he 


208  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

replied,  that  a  grunt  was  always  considered  as  a  suff 
rage  in  favour  of  the  democratic  ticket,  and  a  squeak 
for  the  federal  or  aristocratic  party.  Hence  abun 
dance  of  pains  is  taken  to  teach  the  pigs  either  to 
grunt  or  to  squeal,  according  as  their  owners  belong 
to  one  party  or  the  other ;  and  many  a  vote  is  changed 
by  certain  sly  pinches  of  the  pigs'  ears,  as  they  are 
brought  up  to  give  their  suffrages. 

The  waiter  further  informed  me,  in  the  course  of 
my  investigations  into  kitchen  affairs,  that  the  poor 
servants,  who  are  all  blacks  and  slaves  in  this  part  of 
the  country,  had  neither  beds  nor  covering  at  night, 
but  pigged  together  in  the  ashes,  where  they  often 
squabbled  and  fought  all  night,  either  to  get  near  a 
little  live  coal,  or  to  keep  each  other  warm  by  exer 
cise.  As  to  food,  one  may  guess,  as  these  vulgar  dem 
ocrats  say — one  may  guess  what  that  is,  when  I 
state,  on  the  information  of  the  waiter,  that  the  week 
before  I  came  to  Portsmouth,  in  this  very  kitchen,  a 
murder  was  committed  by  one  gentleman  of  colour 
on  another,  in  consequence  of  a .  dispute  about  the 
property  of  a  bone  which  had  been  picked  six  days  in 
succession.  The  murderer  at  last  seized  the  bone,  hit 
his  adversary  on  the  temple,  and  killed  him  instantly ; 
after  which  he  buried  him  in  the  mud  of  the  kitchen, 
and  sat  himself  quietly  down  to  gnaw  his  prize.  The 
waiter  further  stated,  that  they  were  allowed  no  cook 
ing  utensils,  and  that  the  way  they  generally  baked 
their  bread,  which  is  altogether  of  sawdust,  was  to  lie 
down  at  night,  with  the  soles  of  their  feet,  on  which 
they  had  plastered  the  dough,  extended  towards  the 
fire.  They  then  go  to  sleep,  and  by  the  time  the  cake 
begins  to  burn  their  feet  so  as  to  wake  them,  it  is 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  209 

done.  This  sawdust  bread  is  their  chief  food;  but 
candour  obliges  me  to  state,  that  once  in  a  great 
while  they  are  treated  to  a  bit  of  spoiled  codfish  or 
tainted  pork,  which  makes  them  almost  run  mad  with 
ecstacy.  Determined  to  make  the  most  of  this  meeting 
with  such  an  intelligent  fellow,  I  continued  to  ques 
tion  him  concerning  the  number  of  pots,  kettles,  stew- 
pans,  &c.,  in  the  kitchen  —  their  state,  quality,  and 
condition  —  whether  they  had  any  knives  and  forks 
allowed  them,  and  if  the  latter  had  three  prongs  ?  — 
whether  the  little  negroes  were  taught  their  prayers  ?  — 
and  whether  the  pigs  were  permitted  to  eat  out  of  the 
same  dish  with  them  ?  Touching  the  pots  and  ket 
tles,  he  assured  me,  upon  his  honour,  that  there  was 
but  one  pot,  with  one  ear,  in  the  whole  establish 
ment  ;  that  the  kettle  was  still  worse  off  than  the  pot, 
having  had  no  handle  within  the  memory  of  man ; 
that  the  only  knife  they  had  was  half  the  stump  of  a 
blade,  without  edge  or  point,  which,  however,  was 
rather  a  lucky  circumstance,  since,  as  they  were  al 
ways  fighting  at  meals  on  account  of  the  scarcity  pre 
vailing,  they  would  do  mischief  if  they  had  knives ; 
that,  as  to  forks,  it  was  the  landlady's  maxim  that  fin 
gers  were  made  before  knives  and  forks;  that  the 
little  people  of  colour  were  taught  nothing  but  swear 
ing;  and  that  the  pigs  always  breakfasted  before 
them,  on  account  of  being  considered  freeholders  and 
entitled  to  vote. 

In  this  way  I  gained  more  insight  into  the  nature 
of  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democracy,  than  if  I  had 
mixed  with  half  the  people  of  the  town,  and  asked  as 
many  questions  as  a  Yankee  democrat.  Indeed  I 
had  read  in  all  our  books  of  travels,  that  these  bund- 

14 


210  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

ling,  gouging  republicans,  although  they  asked  a 
dozen  questions  in  a  minute,  were  principled  against 
answering  any.  This,  I  was  told  by  the  waiter,  arises, 
in  a  great  degree,  from  the  fact  that  almost  every 
white  man  is  generally  in  court  a  dozen  or  twenty 
times  a  year,  for  some  offence  or  other,  (principally 
that  of  murder,)  in  consequence  of  which  they  get  a 
habit  of  being  shy  in  answering  interrogatories. 
"But,"  said  I,  at  the  conclusion  of  my  examination, 
"  how  does  it  happen  that  you  are  so  plump  and  well 
clad,  if  your  fellows  are  thus  naked  and  starved  ? " 
"  Why,"  replied  the  fellow,  showing  his  white  teeth 
from  ear  to  ear  — "  Why,  if  master  must  know,  I 
make  a  point  of  helping  myself  out  of  the  dishes,  as  I 
go  in  and  out;  and  my  master  keeps  me  well  dressed, 
for  the  honour  of  the  house."  Alas!  thought  I  to 
myself,  here  is  another  proof  of  the  demoralizing 
effects  of  slavery !  This  honest  man  is  obliged  to  de 
scend  to  the  degradation  of  rifling  apple-tarts,  and 
embezzling  mouthfuls  of  mutton,  to  keep  himself 
from  starving!  —  O,  Wilberforce !,  well  mayest  thpu 
endanger  the  lives  of  all  the  white  people  of  the  West 
Indies,  in  thy  attempts  to  benefit  the  blacks! — O, 
Buxton  !,*  well  mayest  thou  be  permitted  to  poison 
half  the  people  of  London  with  thine  execrable  small 
beer,  in  consideration  of  thy  godlike  philanthropy !  — 
And,  O,  Betty  Martin  /,  well  mayest  thou  be  allowed 
to  hunt,  shoot,  and  hang  up  the  wild  Irish,  in  consid 
eration  of  thine  eloquent  speeches  in  Parliament,  in 


[*  Sir  Thomas  Fowell  Buxton,  for  seven  years,  beginning  with  1811,  was 
partner  in  a  brewery.  Returned  member  of  Parliament  from  Weymouth  in 
1818,  upon  the  retirement  of  Wilberforce,  in  1825,  he  became  leader  of  the 
anti-slavery  party  in  England.] 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  211 

behalf  of  brawned  pigs,  crammed  turkeys,  and  plugged 
lobsters ! 

In  the  evening  I  paid  my  bill,  which  seemed  rather 
to  astonish  the  landlord,  and  in  truth  it  was  a  most 
swingeing  one.  At  first  I  demurred;  but  upon  the 
poor  fellow's  assuring  me  he  was  obliged  to  charge 
strangers,  particularly  Englishmen,  treble,  and  some 
times  quadruple,  to  make  up  for  the  losses  sustained 
by  his  own  countrymen  and  the  Frenchmen,  who 
generally  went  away  without  paying  at  all,  I  paid 
him  with  the  air  of  an  English  nobleman,  expecting 
he  would  dub  me  My  Lord;  but  he  received  the 
money  with  perfect  indifference,  and  did  not  even  con 
descend  to  bow  or  thank  me.  Such  is  the  influence 
of  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democracy ! 

In  the  morning,  as  usual  in  all  parts  of  this  coun 
try,  we  set  forth  before  daylight,  so  that  I  could  not 
see  my  fellow-passengers.  Two  reasons  combine  to 
produce  this  republican  custom  of  travelling  before 
day,  and  after  dark.  In  the  first  place,  it  gives  oppor 
tunity  for  robbing  the  stages,  the  drivers  and  owners 
of  which,  as  I  am  assured,  are,  generally,  in  league 
with  the  bands  of  robbers  which  infest  all  parts  of  this 
country,  to  the  number,  sometimes,  of  two  or  three 
thousand  in  a  band.  In  the  second  place,  as  there  are 
generally  two  or  three  pick-pockets  in  every  stage 
coach,  and  forty  or  fifty  in  every  steam-boat,  the 
darkness  gives  a  capital  scope  for  the  exercise  of  this 
fashionable  republican  vocation.  Aware  of  this,  I 
always  rode  with  my  hands  in  my  pockets,  and  was 
now  indulging  in  this  salutary  precaution,  when  a 
sudden  jolt  of  the  jarvie  brought  my  head  in  full  con 
tact  with  the  back  of  a  passenger  on  the  seat  before 


212  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

me.  "  Diable !  "  exclaimed  a  voice  which  seemed  to 
be  familiar  to  me,  and  then  all  was  silent  again.  Not 
long  after,  there  exploded  a  sneeze  which  shook  the 
whole  vehicle.  "  Good  Heavens !  "  ejaculated  I,  "  I'm 
sure  I've  heard  that  sneeze  before;  it  must  be  my 
little  Frenchman!"  —  But  there  was  no  help  for  it 
now,  and  I  determined  to  keep  him  at  an  awful 
distance. 

Daylight  showed  the  mahogany  face,  gold  ear-rings, 
and  dimity  breeches,  of  the  little  Frenchman,  and  by 
his  side  the  communicative  traveller.  All  at  once  it 
occurred  to  my  mind  that  these  two  men  were  accom 
plices  in  some  scheme  for  robbing  me.  I  was  con 
firmed  in  the  suspicion  by  the  confounded  civilities  of 
the  little  Frenchman,  who  expressed  infinite  pleasure 
on  the  occasion,  and  offered  me  a  pinch  of  snuff  every 
two  minutes.  "  We  thought  we  had  lost  you,"  said  he, 
"  and  were  regretting  the  absence  of  such  an  agreeable 
companion."  I  made  no  reply  but  by  a  stiff  inclina 
tion  of  the  head,  and  continued  with  my  hands  in  my 
pockets,  my  pocket-book  in  one,  and  my  watch  in  the 
other.  "  Pray,  monsieur,  what  a  clock  is  it  ?  ",  said  the 
Frenchman.  Aha !  thought  I,  are  you  thereabouts  ? 
So  I  told  him  my  watch  had  run  down,  and  held  it 
faster  than  ever. 

This  mode  of  disposing  of  my  hands  was  very 
inconvenient  on  these  rough  democratic  roads,  and 
occasioned  me  to  bounce  about  to  the  no  small  annoy 
ance  of  these  Jonathans,  who  threw  out  divers  un 
mannerly  hints,  which  I  treated  with  perfect  contempt. 
"  He  must  have  his  pockets  full  of  guineas,"  said  the 
little  Frenchman  in  a  whisper,  winking  at  the  same 
time  at  the  communicative  traveller.  I  understood  all 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  213 

this  perfectly,  and,  when  we  stopped  to  dine,  managed 
to  exhibit  a  neat  pair  of  hair-triggers  to  these  two 
worthies,  who  exchanged  very  significant  looks  there 
upon.  "  It  won't  do,"  observed  one  to  the  other,  in  a 
desponding  tone. 

The  house  we  put  up  at  for  the  night  was  in  a 
lonely  wood,  at  a  distance  of  several  miles  from  any 
human  habitation.  The  owls  whooped,  the  wolves 
howled,  the  whippoorwills  whistled,  the  frogs  croaked, 
the  katydids  katydidded  it,  the  crickets  chirped,  and 
every  sound  seemed  fraught  with  melancholy  thoughts 
and  mournful  anticipations.  During  supper,  and 
afterwards,  I  perceived  an  exchange  of  mysterious 
looks  between  the  Frenchman,  his  companion,  the 
landlord,  and  the  landlord's  wife,  and  detected  them  in 
various  secret  conferences.  In  one  of  these  I  over 
heard  the  landlady  say,  in  reply  to  some  question  of 
the  communicative  traveller,  who  seemed  to  be  an  old 
acquaintance,  "  we  killed  him  last  night,  poor  old  crea 
ture;  I  was  almost  sorry  for  him."  My  blood  ran 
cold  —  some  venerable  traveller,  doubtless,  thought  I. 

Now  thoroughly  convinced  that  there  was  a  plan  to 
rob  and  murder  me  in  this  lonely  place,  I  determined 
to  defeat  it  by  sitting  up  all  night  with  a  pistol 
cocked  in  each  hand,  ready  to  defend  myself.  In  spite 
of  the  hints,  questions,  and  entreaties,  of  the  landlord 
and  his  wife,  I  persevered  in  my  plan,  although  I  was 
obliged  to  take  to  the  kitchen  fire,  which  I  did  under 
pretence  that  they  were  going  to  make  up  a  bed  for 
themselves  in  the  room  where  I  was.  In  this  situa 
tion  I  continued,  a  pistol  ready  cocked  in  each  hand, 
until,  as  I  judge,  about  two  or  three  o'clock,  when  a 
door  suddenly  opened  and  a  bandit  cautiously  entered 


214  JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA. 

with  a  dark  lantern  in  his  hand.  Thinking  there  was 
no  time  to  be  lost,  I  let  fly  at  him,  and  he  fell  flat  on 
his  face,  bellowing  murder  with  all  his  might.  Imme 
diately  there  was  a  great  stir ;  the  landlord,  his  wife, 
children,  servants,  the  stage-passengers,  and  lastly  the 
little  Frenchman  and  the  communicative  traveller, 
bounced  in,  helter-skelter,  crying  out  "  what's  the  mat 
ter —  what's  the  matter!"  I  stood  with  the  other 
pistol  ready  to  fire,  and  bade  them  approach  at  their 
peril.  "  Diable ! "  exclaimed  the  little  Frenchman, 
stooping  down  to  examine  the  body,  "  he  has  killed 
our  driver."  "  Not  exactly,"  cried  the  fellow,  jumping 
on  his  two  legs  as  brisk  as  a  grasshopper  —  "  but  if  I 
don't  have  him  up  before  the  justice  for  shooting  at  a 
fellow  for  only  coming  in  to  light  his  lantern,  to  see 
to  put  together  his  horses,  darn  my  soul."  I  insisted 
upon  it  he  was  a  genuine  bandit,  and  that  he  had 
come  into  the  kitchen  on  purpose  to  rob  and  murder 
me,  or  at  least  keep  me  in  custody  till  my  friends 
paid  my  ransom.  But  I  found  they  were  all  in  league 
against  me,  and  was  finally  glad  to  compound  with  the 
pretended  stage-driver,  by  treating  him  to  a  pint  of 
whiskey.  It  is  thus  that  strangers  are  always  served 
in  this  democratic  paradise.  They  must  either  sit 
still  and  be  murdered  by  inches,  or  pay  a  composition 
for  defending  themselves.  To  carry  on  the  deception, 
the  fellow  with  a  dark  lantern  was  actually  mounted 
on  the  coach-box,  with  a  view,  I  suppose,  of  making 
a  more  successful  attempt  the  next  night.  But  in  this 
he  was  disappointed,  for,  the  moment  we  got  to  Bos 
ton,  I  took  my  portmanteau  under  my  arm,  darted 
round  a  corner,  and  hid  myself  in  a  remote  part  of 
the  city.  In  my  retreat  I  heard  the  little  Frenchman 


JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA.  215 

exclaim,  "  Diable !  this  is  what  you  call  taking  French 
leave,  I  think." 


CHAPTER  IV. 

The  author  congratulates  himself  on  having  got  rid  of  the  little  Frenchman 
—  Is  in  danger  of  being  twice  robbed  and  murdered  —  Neglect  of  com 
mon  decency  in  taverns  and  steam-boats  —  No  knives  and  forks  —  Dirty 
hands  and  faces  —  Astonishing  number  of  people  with  one  eye,  or  two 
black  eyes  —  Explanation  of  Governor  Hancock  —  Gouging  —  Spirit  of 
Democracy  —  Leaves  Boston  -  -  Passes  through  Ohio,  Alabama,  and  Con 
necticut  —  Attempt  to  rob  the  mail  on  Sunday,  by  a  footpad  who  turns 
out  to  be  a  deacon  of  the  church  —  Amusements  of  the  people  —  Holy 
Alliance  —  Bellows  Falls  —  Steam-boats  invented  by  Dr.  Isaac  Watts, 
who  wrote  the  Book  of  Psalms  —  The  Yankees  ignorant  of  the  points  of 
the  compass  —  Their  mode  of  navigation  —  Little  Frenchman  again  — 
Mode  of  deciding  elections  —  Rudeness  of  boatmen  and  captain  —  At 
tempt  of  the  little  Frenchman  to  rob  the  author. 

"  THANK  heaven,"  said  I,  "  I've  got  rid  of  the  little 
Frenchman,  the  bandit,  and  his  whole  crew,"  as  I 
seated  myself  snugly  in  the  quiet  retreat  of  a  hotel  in 
which  I  had  sought  refuge.  I  slept  pretty  soundly  that 
night,  with  the  exception  of  two  attempts  to  rob  and 
murder  me;  one,  by  a  person  who  opened  niy  door, 
but  who,  seeing  the  barking-iron,  shrunk  back  and 
pretended  to  have  mistaken  the  room ;  the  other  by 
the  chamber-maid,  who  came  in,  after  I  had  gone 
to  bed,  with  an  excuse  that  she  had  forgot  to  put 
water  in  my  pitcher.  By  the  way,  nothing  can  equal 
the  neglect  of  these  turbulent  democrats  in  all  the 
common  decencies  of  life,  particularly  washing  their 
hands  and  faces.  On  board  the  steam-boats,  where 
there  are  perhaps  a  hundred  people,  one  does  not  see 


216  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

above  two  or  three  washing  themselves  of  a  morning. 
As  for  combs,  I  asked  for  one  at  a  first-rate  hotel  in 
Boston,  and  the  waiter  replied,  "  Comb,  sir  ?  —  oh,  I 
suppose  you  mean  curry-comb."  He  then  went  his 
way,  mumbling  to  himself  "  I  wonder  what  the  man 
wants  of  a  comb,  for  he  keeps  no  horses."  As  they 
have  no  knives  and  forks,  either  for  want  of  knowing 
their  uses,  or  for  fear  the  passengers  would  steal  them, 
it  is  easy  to  conceive  the  disgust  an  Englishman  must 
feel  at  seeing  them  diving  in  the  dishes  with  their 
filthy  fingers.  Another  characteristic  feature  of  these 
people  is,  that  more  than  one  half  of  them  want  an 
eye,  and  those  that  happen  to  have  two,  generally  ex 
hibit  a  black  ring  round  one  or  both.  On  inquiring 
into  the  cause  of  this  peculiarity,  I  was  told  by  his 
excellency,  Governor  Hancock,  that  men,  women,  and 
children,  were  so  given  to  fighting  and  gouging,  that 
it  was  next  to  a  miracle  to  see  one  of  them  without 
one  eye  gone,  or  at  least  without  a  pair  of  black  eyes, 
which  is  reckoned  a  great  beauty  in  these  parts.  So 
much  for  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democracy,  thought  I 
to  myself. 

Having  staid  three  days,  to  give  the  little  French 
man,  the  great  bandit,  and  the  rest  of  them,  a  fair 
start,  I  thought  I  might  safely  proceed  on  to  the 
South.  Accordingly  I  took  passage  in  a  stage,  and 
departed  on  the  fourth  morning,  as  usual,  before  day 
light,  for  the  convenience  of  being  robbed  and  mur 
dered  on  the  way.  fh*8  happens  generally  about 
three  times  a  week ;  but  it  is  in  the  true  spirit  of  de 
mocracy  to  sport  with  property  and  life.  Our  road 
carried  us  through  the  states  of  Ohio,  Alabama,  and 
Connecticut,  among  the  people  of  steady  habits,  as 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  217 

they  are  denominated.  All  I  can  say  is,  that  the 
sooner  they  change  these  steady  habits  the  better,  for 
it  will  hardly  be  believed,  that  we  had  scarcely  en 
tered  the  confines  of  Connecticut,  the  very  centre 
of  steady  habits,  when,  although  it  was  Sunday,  (a 
sufficient  reason  for  deterring  any  Christian  highway 
man),  we  were  stopped  by  a  footpad,  who  demanded 
money  with  as  little  compunction  as  a  he-wolf.  Upon 
my  showing  my  pistols  however,  he  sheered  off,  and 
the  driver  whipping  up  his  horses  at  the  moment,  we 
luckily  escaped  that  time.  The  incident  of  a  single 
footpad's  attempting  thus  to  rob  a  whole  stage-load 
of  people,  furnishes  another  proof  that  stage-drivers 
and  stage-owners,  not  to  say  a  majority  of  stage-pas 
sengers,  are  accomplices  of  these  bands  of  robbers. 
Had  it  not  been  for  my  pistols,  we  should  all  have 
been  robbed  to  a  certainty,  and  most  probably  the 
rest  of  the  passengers  would  have  shared  my  spoils. 
What  exhibits  the  turbulent  and  impious  spirit  of 
democracy  in  all  its  turpitude  is  the  fact,  that  the 
driver,  after  getting  fairly  out  of  sight,  turned  round 
to  the  passengers  with  a  grin,  and  exclaimed,  "  I  guess 
I've  distanced  the  deacon."  So  that  this  footpad  was 
one  of  the  pillars  of  the  church ! 

I  have  nothing  to  add  in  addition  to  these  disgust 
ing  details,  except  that,  as  far  as  my  sight  could  reach 
on  either  side  of  the  road,  I  could  see  nobody  at  work 
but  the  poor  gentlemen  of  colour,  half  clothed,  as 
usual.  The  white  people  were  for  the  most  part  em 
ployed — the  men,  haunting  the  taverns,  running  horses, 
fighting  cocks,  or  gouging  one  another's  eyes  out  — 
the  women,  sitting  along  the  road,  chewing  tobacco, 
and  spitting  in  the  faces  of  passers  by  —  and  the  little 


218  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

boys  and  girls,  beating  and  otherwise  maltreating, 
their  parents.  To  vary  these  amusements,  they  some 
times  made  a  party  to  hunt  a  little  naked  negro  with 
their  dogs,  which  I  observed  were  all  blood-hounds. 
My  heart  bled  ,to  see  these  cruel  mastiffs,  less  cruel 
indeed  than  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democracy,  tug 
ging  at  their  naked  haunches,  and  I  could  not  help 
invoking  the  philanthropic  genius  of  the  Holy  Alli 
ance  to  interfere  in  behalf  of  these  oppressed  beings. 

About  five  in  the  afternoon  we  arrived  at  Bellows 
Falls,  at  the  mouth  of  the  Ohio,  where  I  embarked 
in  the  steam-boat  for  New  York.  These  steam-boats, 
all  the  world  knows,  were  invented  by  Isaac  Watts, 
who  wrote  the  book  of  psalms.  Yet  the  spirit  of  de 
mocracy,  as  usual,  has  claimed  the  honour  for  one 
Moulton,  or  Fulton,  I  forget  which;  although  it  is 
a  notorious  fact,  that  Isaac  Watts  died  before  this 
Fulton  was  born.  This  settles  the  question.  But 
there  is  no  stopping  the  mouth  of  a  genuine  demo 
crat.  Our  course  lay  upon  a  river  which  the  Yan 
kees  call  the  East  river,  although,  to  my  certain 
knowledge,  it  runs  directly  West.  But  it  would  be 
tasking  the  ignorant  spirit  of  democracy  too  much,  to 
suppose  its  votaries  could  possibly  tell  the  points  of 
the  compass.  Indeed  I  was  credibly  informed,  that 
their  most  experienced  navigators  universally  judge 
of  their  course  within  soundings  by  the  colour  of  the 
mud  or  sand  which  adheres  to  the  lead,  and  when  this 
indication  fails  them,  trust  to  Providence. 

While  sitting  in  a  state  of  indolent  and  contempt 
uous  abstraction,  with  my  back  to  as  many  of  the 
company  as  possible,  I  was  roused  by  a  sneeze  that  I 
could  have  sworn  to  in  any  part  of  the  world.  "  It  is 


JOHN   BULL  IN   AMERICA.  t    219 

little  Frenchman !  Here's  Monsieur  Ton- 
son  come  again ! "  I  would  as  soon  have  heard  the 
last  trumpet  as  this  infernal  explosion.  In  a  few  min 
utes  he  espied  me,  and  coming  up  with  the  most  pro 
voking  expression  of  old  acquaintanceship,  offered  me 
a  pinch  of  snuff.  "  Ah !  monsieur,  I  am  so  happy ! 
Diable !  —  my  friend  and  I  thought  we  had  lost  our 
agreeable  companion ; "  and,  thereupon,  he  made  me 
a  delectable  low  French  bow,  that  brought  his  long 
nose  within  an  inch  of  the  deck.  He  then  left  me  for 
a  moment,  and  returned  with  his  friend  the  veritable 
communicative  traveller,  who  had  the  insolence  to 
claim  acquaintance,  from  having  travelled  a  few  days 
in  the  same  stage  with  me.  A  good  sample  of  the 
forward,  impudent  spirit  of  democracy!  I  expected 
every  moment  to  see  the  great  bandit  with  his  dark 
lantern,  to  complete  the  trio,  but  for  some  reason  or 
other  he  didn't  make  his  appearance.  "  Ah !  mon 
sieur,"  cried  the  little  Frenchman,  "  you  don't  know 
how  we  have  missed  your  agreeable  society.  Diable ! 
1  have  not  had  a  good  laugh  since  we  parted."  Then 
he  offered  me  a  pinch  of  snuff,  a  civility  which  he  re 
peated  at  least  a  hundred  times  in  the  course  of  the 
day,  though  I  always  declined  it  in  the  most  dignified 
and  contemptuous  manner. 

Disgusted  with  every  thing  I  saw,  and  most  espe 
cially  with  this  rencounter,  I  determined  to  mortify 
these  free  and  easy  gentry  by  taking  not  the  least 
notice  of  any  person  whatever,  and  going  without 
my  dinner  on  purpose  to  spite  them.  Many  of  the 
women  looked  hard  at  me,  with  an  evident  desire  to 
be  taken  notice  of;  but  I  always  turned  my  head 
away,  resolved  to  have  nothing  to  say  to  them.  Sev- 


220    .  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

eral  persons  also  came  round,  and  made  attempts  to 
engage  me  in  conversation,  but  I  answered  them  in 
monosyllables,  and  they  went  away,  whistling  to  hide 
their  mortification.  My  contempt  for  the  little  French 
man  increased  every  moment,  by  observing  the  pains 
he  took  to  be  agreeable.  He  talked,  laughed,  bowed, 
offered  his  box  to  every  one  that  came  in  his  way, 
and  complimented  the  women,  till  all  were  delighted 
with  him,  and  he  seemed  as  much  at  home  as  if  he 
had  been  born  and  brought  up  among  them.  Despi 
cable  subserviency !  contemptible  hypocrisy !,  to  pre 
tend  to  be  pleased  with  these  scum  of  democracy. 

When  the  dinner-bell  rang  I  remained  on  deck, 
until  one  of  the  waiters  came  up  to  tell  me  dinner  was 
ready.  I  took  no  notice  of  him.  In  a  few  minutes 
the  little  Frenchman  assailed  me.  "  Is  monsieur  ill  ?  " 
"No!"  said  I.  "No?  Eh  bien  — what  is  the  mat 
ter  ?  Ah !  I  guess,  as  these  Yankees  say.  If  mon 
sieur  has  no  money,  never  mind,  I  will  pay  for  his 
dinner.  Come,  come."  I  replied,  in  great  wrath  at 
his  infernal  mistake,  upon  which  he  went  down,  and, 
as  I  afterwards  learned,  proposed  a  subscription  for  a 
poor  passenger,  who  was  obliged  to  go  without  his 
dinner  for  want  of  money  to  pay  for  it.  One  may 
judge  of  the  humanity  of  these  people,  from  the  fact 
that  not  one  of  them  contributed  a  cent.  One  woman 
turned  up  her  nose,  and  exclaimed, "  Marry  come  up 
—  I  thought  as  much  ;  pride  and  poverty  generally  go 
together."  Another  declared  she  would  not  give  a 
pin  to  save  such  a  rude  humgruffian  from  starving ; 
and  a  third  pronounced  me  a  strolling  player  out  of 
employ.  The  communicative  traveller,  on  coming  up 
after  dinner,  endeavoured  to  comfort  me  for  the  loss 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  221 

of  my  meal,  by  observing  I  had  not  missed  much  by 
it.  "  There  is  nothing  but  snatching  and  quarrelling 
for  the  favourite  bits,  and  the  ladies  did  nothing  but 
scold  and  pull  caps.  Then,  it  is  just  as  likely  as  not, 
you  would  have  been  seated  between  two  greasy 
enginemen  in  red  flannel  shirts,  one  a  negro  perhaps, 
(for  they  all  dine  together),  who  would  have  made  no 
scruple  of  gouging  one  of  your  eyes  out,  if  you  had 
happened  to  get  possession  of  one  of  their  tidbits. 
You  were  well  out  of  the  scrape."  Glorious  spirit  of 
democracy,  thought  I  to  myself. 

Towards  evening  the  boat  stopped  at  a  place  called 
the  city  of  Annapolis.  Every  thing  is  a  city  here.  A 
blacksmith's  shop,  with  a  church,  and  a  pig-sty,  is  a 
city,  and  must  have  its  corporation,  if  it  be  only  that 
that  the  spirit  of  democracy  may  revel  in  a  little  brief 
authority.  An  office  of  any  kind  is  their  darling,  and 
a  whole  state  will  be  convulsed  about  the  election  of  a 
constable.  These  elections  are  generally  carried  in  the 
last  resort  by  the  cudgel  and  gouging ;  and  I  am  assured 
that  the  number  of  one-eyed  people,  and  people  with 
black  rings  round  their  eyes,  is  generally  doubled  by 
one  of  these  struggles  of  principle.  As  we  approached 
the  wharf,  I  was  standing  among  a  coil  of  ropes,  with 
my  back  toward  the  great  city,  when  one  of  these 
sticklers  for  equality,  in  a  red  flannel  shirt,  came  up 
and  desired  me  to  move  out  of  the  way.  The  fellow 
was  civil  enough  for  that  matter,  but  I  only  answered 
his  impertinent  intrusion  with  a  look  of  withering 
contempt.  Upon  this,  he  gathered  a  part  of  the  rope 
in  coils,  in  his  right  hand,  and  when  we  were  ten  or  a 
dozen  yards  from  the  wharf,  threw  it  with  all  his 
force,  with  a  design  to  knock  down  a  person  who 


222  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

stood  there.  But  the  chap  was  too  dexterous  for  him, 
and  caught  the  end  of  the  rope  in  his  hands,  and  im 
mediately  fastened  it  to  a  post.  The  whole  brunt  of 
this  Yankee  joke  fell  upon  me,  for  my  feet  being 
entangled  in  the  end  of  the  rope  thus  thrown,  it 
tripped  up  my  heels  and  laid  me  sprawling  on  the 
deck.  The  little  Frenchman  officiously  helped  me 
up,  and  offered  me  a  pinch  of  snuff  by  way  of  com 
fort  ;  but  as  for  the  democratic  gentry,  they  seemed 
rather  to  enjoy  the  thing,  and  if  the  truth  was  known, 
I  dare  say  were  at  the  bottom  of  the  joke.  I  cursed 
the  fellow  heartily ;  but  he  coolly  answered  —  "  'Twas 
your  own  fault ;  I  asked  you  to  get  out  of  the  way." 
So  much  for  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democracy. 

I  stepped  ashore,  to  escape  the  giggling  of  these 
polite  republicans,  and  rambled  to  the  distance  of  a 
couple  of  hundred  yards.  While  here,  I  heard  a  bell 
toll,  and  then  a  hallooing,  and  saw  them  making  sig 
nals  for  me  to  come  on  board ;  but  I  was  determined 
to  treat  them  ah1  with  silent  contempt,  and  continued 
my  walk.  The  shouting  continued,  and  I  don't  know 
how  far  I  might  have  strolled,  if  I  had  not  been 
suddenly  roused  by  the  noise  of  the  boat's  wheels. 
Turning  round,  I  found  the  vessel  was  fairly  under 
way ;  whereupon  I  condescended  to  run,  and  halloo  as 
hard  as  I  could  bawl.  After  some  little  delay  the 
wheels  were  stopped,  and  a  boat  was  sent  to  take  me 
on  board,  where,  instead  of  making  an  apology,  the 
brute  of  a  captain  told  me  I  deserved  to  have  been 
left  behind.  "  If  it  had  not  been  for  the  persuasions 
of  your  friend,"  pointing  to  the  little  Frenchman, 
"  you  might  have  staid  ashore  till  next  trip,  and  wel 
come."  "  My  friend,"  exclaimed  I,  and  turned  to  the 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  223 

officious  little  mahogany  man  with  a  look  of  wither 
ing  contempt:  whereupon  he  offered  his  box,  and 
assured  me  he  would  not  have  lost  my  charming 
society  for  the  world.  These  persevering  civilities  on 
his  part,  and  especially  this  last  impertinent  interfer 
ence,  confirmed  me  in  my  suspicions  that  there  was  a 
deep-laid  plan  to  rob  and  murder  me  the  first  conve 
nient  opportunity.  What  added  weight  to  these  ap 
prehensions  was  the  fact  of  my  continually  detecting 
him  and  his  companion,  the  communicative  traveller, 
conferring  together,  with  divers  shrugs  on  the  part  of 
the  Frenchman,  and  significant  smiles  on  that  of  his 
friend. 

When  we  came  to  draw  lots  for  our  berths,  it  was 
so  managed  by  the  captain,  (who  was  no  doubt  an 
accomplice),  that  I  drew  one  in  a  remote  part  of  the 
vessel,  forward.  But,  owing  to  some  failure  in  the 
plot,  the  little  Frenchman  and  his  companion  both 
drew  berths  in  the  cabin  abaft,  which  I  perceived  dis 
concerted  them  not  a  little.  But  they  soon  rectified 
the  mistake;  for  upon  the  complaints  of  two  feeble 
old  gentlemen,  that  they  should  find  it  fatiguing  to  go 
into  the  forward-cabin,  the  Frenchman  seized  the  pre 
text,  and,  with  one  of  his  confounded  low  bows, 
offered  his  berth  to  one  of  the  cripples,  while  his  com 
panion  did  the  same  to  the  other.  I  saw  through  all 
this,  and  determined  to  play  them  a  trick,  by  lying 
awake  all  night  to  watch  them,  with  my  pistols  ready. 

Late  in  the  night,  and  when  all  the  lights  were  out, 
I  heard  somebody  get  out  of  a  berth  on  the  opposite 
side,  where  the  little  Frenchman  slept.  —  The  person 
went  upon  deck,  and,  after  staying  a  minute  or  two, 
groped  his  way  down  again,  and  cautiously  ap- 


224  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

preached  the  place  where  I  lay  with  my  pistol 
cocked.  Presently  he  laid  his  hand  upon  my  throat, 
doubtless  with  an  intent  to  choke  me  first,  and  rob 
me  afterwards  at  leisure.  At  this  instant  I  fired  my 
pistol,  just  as  the  little  Frenchman  ejaculated  in  a 
whisper,  "  Diable !  I  am  lost ! "  Confusion  reigned, 
lights  were  brought,  and  the  whole  affair  was  dis 
closed.  I  solemnly  charged  the  little  Frenchman, 
who  had  escaped  my  shot,  with  an  attempt  to  rob 
and  murder  me ;  while  he  as  solemnly  asseverated, 
that  he  had  got  up  upon  a  necessary  occasion,  and, 
on  his  return,  took  the  right  hand  instead  of  the  left, 
by  which  means  he  had  encountered  my  berth,  instead 
of  his  own  which  was  directly  opposite.  The  passen 
gers,  captain,  and  all,  being,  without  doubt,  accom 
plices  in  this  attempt,  sided  with  the  Frenchman ; 
believed  every  word  he  said,  and  gravely  advised  me 
to  take  care  how  I  fired  pistols  in  the  cabin  of  a 
steam-boat.  This  was  all  the  satisfaction  I  got  for 
this  nefarious  attempt.  The  little  Frenchman  even 
had  the  assurance  to  play  the  injured  party,  and  actu 
ally  offered  to  forget  and  forgive.  "  It  was  all  a  mis 
take,"  said  he,  "  and  let  us  think  no  more  of  it."  So 
he  offered  me  a  pinch  of  snuff,  which  I  rejected  with 
dignified  contempt. 


JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA.  225 


CHAPTER  V. 

Frog's  Neck  —  Bull  -  Frogs  —  Hell  -  Gate  —  Impious  spirit  of  democracy — 
Mode  of  passing  Hell-Gate  —  Fondness  of  the  Yankees  for  dying  accounted 
for  —  Dutch  courage  —  Mr.  Robert  James  —  Country  seats  —  Sandy  Hook 
—  Navy- Yard,  &c.  —  Little  Frenchman  —  Author  takes  lodgings  with  a 
gentleman  of  colour  at  the  Hotel  des  Huitres  —  Bill  of  Exchange  —  Un 
principled  behaviour  of  the  Yankee  merchant  —  Quarterly  Review  — 
Description  of  New  York  —  Basis  of  republicanism  —  Agrarian  law  — 
Quarterly  —  Classification  of  the  citizens  of  New  York  —  Extensive  circu 
lation  of  the  Quarterly  Review  —  Gratitude  of  the  people  of  colour  — 
Beggarly  pride  of  republicanism  —  Propensity  to  thieving  among  the 
higher  classes  —  Picture  of  the  manners  and  morals  of  the  people,  drawn 
by  the  landlord  —  Quantity  of  flies  andmusketoes  —  Law  against  killing 
spiders  —  Little  Frenchman,  &c. 

ABOUT  daylight  I  was  roused  by  a  most  horrible 
noise,  which  resembled  nothing  I  had  ever  heard 
before.  On  going  upon  deck,  I  perceived  the  whole 
surface  of  the  water,  as  far  as  the  eye  could  reach, 
covered  with  immense  bull -frogs,  who  leaped  and 
croaked,  to  the  infinite  delight  of  these  tasteful  demo 
crats,  who  were  all  gathered  together  to  hear  this 
charming  concert,  which  they  would  prefer  to  the 
Commemoration  of  Handel.  Some  of  the  largest  of 
these  frogs  actually  jumped  upon  deck,  and  a  canoe 
alongside  was  nearly  upset  by  three  or  four  of  them 
clambering  up  its  sides,  at  one  and  the  same  time. 
The  place  is  called  Frog's  Neck,*  and  never  was  there 
a  spot  more  aptly  named.  There  is  a  little  settle 
ment  near  this,  called  New  Rochelle,  peopled  by 
Frenchmen,  who  were  doubtless  attracted  by  the 
frogs.  But  such  is  the  ardour  of  these  refined  repub 
licans  for  this  species  of  music,  that  the  legislature  has 

[*  Throg's  Neck.] 
15 


226  JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA. 

enacted  a  law,  making  it  death  to  kill  one  of  these 
delightful  musicians.  To  kill  a  man  here,  is  a  trifle 
—  but  to  kill  a  frog,  is  capital ! 

Shortly  after  leaving  Frog's  Neck  we  came  to  the 
famous  pass  of  Hell- Gate,  as  it  is  impiously  called  by 
the  profane  spirit  of  democracy.  It  is  the  Sdtty  and 
Charybdis  of  the  New  World,  and  nothing  but  the 
special  protection  of  Providence  can  account  for  the 
occasional  deliverances  that  happen  to  these  reckless 
republicans  in  passing  it,  which  they  do  every  hour  of 
the  day  and  night.  As  soon  as  they  begin  to  distin 
guish  its  roaring,  which  can  be  heard  at  a  distance  of 
thirty  miles  except  when  the  frog  concert  intervenes, 
all  hands,  captain,  pilot,  and  the  rest,  set  to  and  drink 
apple-brandy,  or  whiskey,  so  that,  by  the  time  they 
come  to  the  Hog's  Back,  they  are  as  drunk  as  swine. 
They  then  lie  down  flat  on  their  faces  and  let  the 
vessel  take  her  course.  This  preparatory  tippling  is 
what  they  impiously  call  receiving  "  extreme  unction," 
and  preparing  for  death,  which  the  communicative 
traveller  assured  me  not  more  than  one  out  of  three 
on  an  average  escaped.  I  could  not  help  expressing 
my  wonder  that  these  people  should  thus  recklessly 
sport  with  their  lives.  "  O,  as  to  that,"  replied  he,  "  what 
with  the  curse  of  democracy,  the  grinding  oppressions 
of  unrestrained  liberty,  together  with  the  total  insecu 
rity  of  property  under  mob  law ;  and  the  total  inse 
curity  of  person,  in  consequence  of  the  universal 
practice  of  robbery  and  murder,  of  which  you  have 
had  ample  experience,  —  I  say,  what  with  all  this, 
ninety-nine  in  a  hundred  of  these,  my  wretched  coun 
trymen,  would  as  soon  die  as  not,  and  some  of  them 
a  great  deal  rather,  only  to  escape  the  blessings  of 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  227 

democracy."  "  But,"  said  I,  "  why  don't  these  miser 
able  creatures  say  their  prayers,  and  make  some  little 
preparation  to  die  like  Christians,  instead  of  thus 
beastifying  themselves  ?  "  "  O,"  answered  he,  with  a 
coolness  that  made  me  shudder,  "  this  is  what  we  call 
Dutch  courage;  and  I  assure  you,  upon  my  credit, 
that  I  never  knew  a  genuine  Brother  Jonathan  who 
could  be  brought  to  face  an  enemy,  or  die  with 
decency,  unless  he  had  his  skin  full  of  whiskey,  and 
was  well  '  corned]  as  we  say.  This  was  the  way  in 
which  we  gained  all  our  victories  last  war,  both  by  sea 
and  land."  Good,  thought  I,  here  is  the  testimony 
of  one  of  their  own  countrymen.  Mr.  James  shall 
add  this  to  his  apologies  for  Blue  and  Buff,  in  his 
next  edition. 

This  conversation  happened  after  safely  passing  this 
tremendous  strait,  which  we  did  as  it  were  by  mira 
cle.  Between  this  and  New  York,  the  communicative 
traveller  pointed  out  to  me  some  two  or  three  of  what 
he  called  magnificent  country-seats,  which  seemed  to 
me  about  the  size  of  pigeon-houses.  I  took  no  notice 
of  him  or  them,  but  affected  to  be  in  a  fit  of  abstrac 
tion,  with  my  eyes  fixed  on  vacancy.  Turning  the 
point  of  Sandy  Hook,  we  came  in  full  sight  of  the 
city,  its  bay,  and  islands.  I  saw  that  several  of  these 
people  were  watching  to  detect  in  me  some  symptoms 
of  surprise  or  admiration,  so  I  resolved  to  disappoint 
them,  and  turned  my  back  to  the  city,  keeping  my 
eyes  fixed  on  the  opposite  shore.  The  communicative 
traveller,  supposing  I  was  looking  at  the  Navy-Yard, 
where  several  large  ships  were  lying,  observed :  "  That 
is  the  Cyane,  near  the  red  store ;  or  perhaps  you 
mean  the  other  —  that  is  the  Macedonian  ;  or  perhaps 


228  JOHN  BULL  IN   AMERICA. 

you  mean  the  one  next  her  —  that  is ."  I  could 

stand  it  no  longer,  but  was  fain  to  turn  round  and 
look  at  their  detestable  city. 

When  we  came  near  the  wharf,  the  little  French 
man  came  up  to  me  with  a  low  bow  and  the  offer  of 
his  box  as  usual.  "  I  hope  monsieur,  my  friend,  and 
myself,  shall  take  lodgings  together.  As  we  are 
strangers  in  a  strange  place,  'tis  pity  we  should  part. 
I  assure  you  I  shah1  not  rob  monsieur,"  said  he,  with 
an  impertinent,  significant,  smile.  I  told  him  at  last 
I  should  lodge  that  night  on  board,  and  depart  the 
next  day  by  the  boat  in  which  I  came.  "  What ! " 
replied  he,  "  is  monsieur  going  to  New  Orleans  again  ? 
But  in  truth  we  are  sorry  to  lose  your  very  agree 
able  company,  monsieur,  and  hope  that  we  shall  meet 
again  when  you  come  back  from  New  Orleans."  So 
saying,  he  bowed  profoundly  low,  and  departed,  ac 
companied  by  his  friend,  and  by  my  most  devout 
wishes  never  to  set  eyes  upon  either  of  them  again. 

Desirous  to  avoid  any  public  attentions,  and  most 
especially  to  escape  the  honour  of  being  made  a  citi 
zen  of  New  York,  which  the  corporation  insist  upon 
bestowing  upon  every  stranger  of  distinction  in  order 
to  add  some  little  respectability  to  their  sty  of  democ 
racy,  I  took  a  private  lodging  with  a  respectable  man 
of  colour  who  kept  the  Hotel  des  Huitres  in  Water 
street.  According  to  the  fashionable  London  mode, 
I  intended  to  direct  all  those  who  asked  my  address  to 
the  City  Hotel,  where  there  is  generally  such  a  con 
course  of  people  that  the  bar-keeper  never  knows  the 
names  of  half  the  boarders.  My  first  business,  after 
taking  possession  of  my  lodging,  was  to  present  a 
bill  of  exchange,  drawn  on  one  of  the  most  respecta- 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  229 

ble  merchants  here,  (if  such  a  term  can  be  applied 
to  a  Yankee  pedler),  by  one  of  our  first  London 
bankers. 

I  found  him  in  his  counting-room,  with  a  jug,  (as  I 
presume,  of  whiskey),  at  his  side,  and  pretty  well 
"  corned,"  as  the  communicative  traveller  says,  though 
it  was  hardly  nine  o'clock.  He  received  me  with  a 
sort  of  bear-like  republican  civility,  which  I  ascribed 
to  the  awe  in  which  they  stand  of  Englishmen,  to 
whom  they  are  one  and  ah1  indebted  more  than  they 
ever  mean  to  pay.  He  read  my  letter,  looked  very 
deliberately  at  the  bill  of  exchange,  and  then,  folding 
them  both  up  carefully,  offered  them  to  me.  "  Is  it 
convenient  for  you,"  said  I,  "  to  cash  the  bill  at  once  ?  " 
"  No  sir,  not  very  convenient."  "  I  suppose,  then,  I 
must  be  content  with  your  acceptance  at  the  usual 
sight."  "  My  good  friend,  I  don't  mean  to  accept  it, 
I  assure  you."  "  No,  sir  ?  "  said  I,  bristling  up,  for  I 
began  to  suspect  some  Yankee  trick  — "  and  pray 
may  I  take  the  liberty  of  asking  the  reason  of  this 
extraordinary  conduct  ?  "  "  Certainly.  The  banker 
who  drew  this  bill,  by  my  last  advices  is  a  bankrupt 
and  a  swindler.  He  has  no  effects  in  my  hands,  nor 
is  he  ever  likely  to  have.  I  am  sorry  for  your  disap 
pointment,  but  I  cannot  accept  your  bill  of  exchange." 
I  snatched  the  letter  out  of  his  hand  and  hurried  from 
the  room,  and  my  disappointment  was  almost  bal 
anced  by  the  pleasure  I  felt  at  this  early  confirmation 
of  my  impressions  with  regard  to  the  character  of  these 
republican  merchants,  who,  I  was  satisfied  from  read 
ing  the  Quarterly  Review,  never  paid  a  debt  of  any 
kind,  there  being  no  law  in  this  country  to  oblige 
them.  I  had  no  doubt  that  the  story  of  the  drawer 


230  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

of  my  bill,  (no  less  a  man  than  Mr.  Henry  Fauntle- 
roy,*  who  keeps  two  mistresses,  and  three  splendid 
establishments),  being  a  bankrupt  and  swindler,  was 
a  fabrication,  invented  to  evade  the  payment.  Such 
is  the  universal  practice  here,  and  thus  is  the  reputa 
tion  of  half  the  merchants  of  Britain  ruined  in  this 
country.  The  genuine  republican  merchant  never 
stops  payment  and  compounds  with  his  creditors, 
(which  they  generally  do  twice  or  thrice  a  year), 
without  putting  it  all  upon  his  correspondents  in 
England,  who  are,  in  fact,  always  the  greatest  suffer 
ers.  This  story  they  all  make  a  point  of  believing, 
because  they  all  are,  or  expect  soon  to  be,  in  the  same 
predicament.  It  is  a  proof  of  the  generous  credulity 
of  honest  John  Bull  that  he  still  continues  to  trust, 
and  be  cheated  by,  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democracy, 
as  the  editors  of  the  Quarterly  Review  justly  style  it, 
in  their  usual  strain  of  genteel  irony. 

Relating  the  story  of  my  disappointment  to  my 
worthy  landlord,  I  thought  he  looked  rather  shy,  as 
if  he  expected  it  to  be  the  prelude  to  a  long  score. 
But  I  at  once  satisfied  his  doubts  by  showing  him  a 
few  guineas,  and  telling  him  I  always  paid  my  bill 
every  Saturday  night.  He  then  resumed  his  con 
fidence,  and  proceeded  to  let  me  into  the  secrets  of 
this  unprincipled  and  profligate  city,  which,  being  the 
general  rendezvous  of  people  from  all  parts  of  this 
puissant  and  polished  republic  (as  the  Quarterly 
calls  it),  presents  at  one  view  a  picture  of  the  bless- 

[*  The  famous  case  of  Henry  Fauntleroy,  who  forged  powers  of  attorney 
through  which  he  disposed  of  three  hundred  and  sixty  thousand  pounds' 
worth  of  Bank  of  England  stock.  Arrested  Sept.  10th,  1824,  tried  in  October 
of  the  same  year  and  found  guilty,  he  was  hanged  at  Smithfield  in  the  follow 
ing  November.] 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  231 

ings  of  pure  and  undefiled  democracy.  That  my 
readers  may  have  the  clearer  idea  of  a  genuine  re 
publican  city,  I  shah1  be  more  particular  in  my 
description,  especially  as  this  is  considered  as  the 
very  pink  of  all  the  cities  of  the  New  World. 

New  York,  the  capital  of  the  state  of  New  Jersey, 
so  called  from  being  originally  settled  by  Yorkshire 
horse  jockeys,  is  situated  on  the  main  land,  between 
two  rivers  about  the  size  of  the  Thames,  though  not 
quite  so  large,  that  being  unquestionably  the  greatest 
river  in  the  world.  That  on  the  east  they  call  the 
North,  and  that  on  the  west,  the  East  river,  by  a  very 
pardonable  blunder,  as  it  would  be  taxing  the  spirit 
of  democracy  too  severely  to  preserve  the  least  ac 
quaintance  with  such  aristocratic  trumpery  as  the 
points  of  the  compass.  The  blessings  of  ignorance 
constitute  the  basis  of  republicanism,  as  the  Quarter 
ly  says  with  its  characteristic  wit  and  humour. 

Most  of  the  houses  are  built  of  pine  boards  and 
generally  about  half-finished,  the  owners  for  the  most 
part  stopping  payment  before  the  work  is  completed. 
There  is  a  great  appearance  of  bustle,  but  very  little 
business  in  fact,  as  the  spirit  of  democracy  impels 
these  people  to  make  a  great  noise  about  nothing. 
To  see  one  of  their  peddling  merchants  staring  about 
in  Wall  street,  one  would  suppose  he  was  over 
whelmed  with  the  most  momentous  affairs,  when, 
if  the  truth  was  known,  his  whole  morning's  business 
consists  in  purchasing  a  dozen  birch-brooms,  or  a 
pound  of  wafers.  There  is  also  a  great  appearance  of 
building  here,  but  this  is  partly  owing  to  the  necessity 
of  new  houses  to  replace  the  old  ones,  which  gener 
ally  tumble  to  pieces  at  the  end  of  three  or  four 


232  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

years,  and  partly  to  the  inveterate  habit  of  emigra 
tion  characteristic  of  the  restless  spirit  of  democracy, 
which  deters  people  from  remaining  long  in  one 
place.  Hence  they  are  perpetually  on  the  move  from 
one  part  of  the  city  to  another.  Sometimes  whole 
streets  are  deserted  in  this  way,  and  then,  as  new 
buildings  become  necessary,  the  cry  of  these  republi 
can  braggarts,  as  the  Quarterly  calls  them,  is  about 
the  number  of  houses  building  and  the  vast  increase 
of  the  city.  Sometimes  they  puh1  down  a  street  and 
build  it  up  again,  merely  to  impose  upon  strangers  an 
idea  of  its  prosperity,  and  attract  emigrants  from 
England,  although  those  who  have  been  weak  enough 
to  come  hither  for  the  last  six  or  eight  years  are,  with 
the  exception  of  a  few  sent  home  by  the  British  Con 
sul,  every  soul  of  them  on  the  parish. 

The  people  of  New  York  may  be  divided  into  three 
classes,  those  that  beg,  those  that  borrow,  and  those 
that  steal.  Not  unfrequently,  however,  all  these  pro 
fessions  are  united  in  one  person,  as  they  are  a  very 
ingenious  people,  and  almost  every  man  is  a  sort  of 
Jack-of-all-trades.  The  beggars  constitute  about  one 
third  of  the  population,  and  are  supported  with  great 
liberality  by  the  other  two  classes,  who,  remembering 
that  charity  covers  a  multitude  of  sins,  make  use  of  its 
broad  mantle  in  this  way,  and,  upon  the  strength  of 
their  alms,  claim  the  privilege  of  borrowing  without 
ever  intending  to  pay,  and  robbing  Peter  to  give  away 
to  Paul.  One  of  the  most  popular  preachers  here  is  a 
notorious  gambler,  but,  at  the  same  time,  is  considered 
little  less  than  a  saint,  because  he  professes  to  give 
ah1  his  winnings  to  the  poor.  Another  person,  an 
alderman,  generally  breaks  into  a  neighbour's  house 


JOHN  BULL  IN   AMERICA.  233 

every  night,  but,  as  he  gives  away  all  his  plunder  in 
alms,  he  is  one  of  the  most  popular  men  in  the  city. 
Another,  who  is  a  judge  of  the  court,  generally  man 
ages  to  pick  the  pockets  of  both  the  parties  in  a  suit, 
and  the  jury  think  themselves  lucky  to  escape ;  yet  he 
is  adored  for  his  liberality,  and  the  beggars,  who,  like 
the  pigs,  all  vote,  talk  of  running  him  for  the  next 
governor. 

The  borrowers  consist  of  the  most  fashionable  por 
tion  of  the  community,  the  people  who  give  parties, 
ride  in  their  coaches,  and  hold  their  heads  consider 
ably  higher  than  the  beggars.  The  most  approved 
mode  of  practising  this  thriving  business  is  this  :  —  A 
gentleman  gives  a  grand  entertainment  to  a  select 
number  of  friends,  each  of  whom  he  manages  to  in 
tercept  as  he  goes  out,  and  makes  him  pay  pretty 
handsomely  for  dinner  in  the  shape  of  a  loan.  When 
one  set  gets  tired,  he  invites  another,  and  so  on  till  his 
debts  amount  to  sufficient  to  make  it  worth  while, 
when  he  affects  to  stop  payment,  as  he  calls  it,  though 
he  never  began  yet ;  takes  the  benefit  of  the  laws  for 
encouraging  debt  and  extravagance ;  and,  on  the 
score  of  his  numerous  charities,  is  generally  recom 
mended  for  some  public  office.  This  is  the  last  resort 
of  rogues  in  this  pure  republican  system,  as  the  Quar 
terly  affirms.  My  landlord,  the  gentleman  of  colour, 
who  was  in  the  habit  of  waiting  at  many  of  these 
great  dinners,  assured  me  he  recollected  but  a  single 
instance  in  which  the  guests  escaped  paying  the  piper 
in  this  way,  when  the  entertainer  let  them  off,  in  con 
sequence  of  having  picked  their  pockets  at  table.  I 
asked  him  how  it  happened  that  the  guests  did  not 
resent  or  complain  of  this  treatment.  "  O,"  replied 


234  JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA. 

he,  "  it  is  diamond  cut  diamond  —  every  one  has  his 
turn,  and  it  amounts  to  an  equal  division  of  property 
in  the  end  —  a  republican  Agrarian  law,  as  the  Quar 
terly  says."  "  What,  do  you  read  the  Quarterly  ?  " 
said  I.  "  O  yes ;  we  all  read  Massa  Quarterly  —  he 
love  us  people  of  colour  so  much."  He  further  as 
sured  me  the  people  of  colour  had  it  one  time  in  con 
templation  to  send  out  half  a  dozen  of  their  prettiest 
ebony  lasses  to  England,  that  the  gentlemen  of  the 
Quarterly  might  have  their  choice  of  them  for  wives. 
But  the  ladies  of  colour,  having  been  persuaded  by 
some  of  the  white  belles  of  fashion,  who  envied  their 
high  destinies,  that  all  these  gentlemen  lived  in  Grub 
street,  one  of  the  most  ungenteel  places  in  all  London, 
turned  up  their  pretty  pug  noses,  and  demurred  to  the 
proposition. 

I  was  delighted  at  this  information,  which  not  only 
proved  the  extensive  circulation  of  this  valuable  Re 
view,  but  likewise  the  gratitude  of  the  people  of  colour 
for  the  exertions  of  its  conductors  in  their  behalf.  It 
is  enough  to  make  the  eye  of  philanthropy  water,  to 
hear,  as  I  have  done,  that  such  is  the  pride  of  these 
beggarly  republicans,  that  they  will  not  admit  a  gen 
tleman  or  lady  of  colour  to  any  intimacy  of  associa 
tion,  it  being  even  considered  a  disgrace  to  enter 
into  a  matrimonial  connexion  with  them !  This  is 
another  beautiful  illustration  of  the  beggarly  pride  of 
these  upstart  republicans,  as  the  Quarterly  says. 

The  class  of  pick-pockets,  shop-lifters,  and  thieves 
of  all  sorts,  is  probably  the  most  numerous  of  the 
whole  community.  Nobody  ventures  to  carry  money 
in  his  pocket,  and  when  the  ladies  go  out  shopping 
they  always  hold  their  purses  in  their  hands.  Even 


JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA.  235 

this  is  no  security,  for  it  generally  happens  that  they 
are  snatched  away  before  they  have  gone  a  hundred 
yards.  One  of  the  shopkeepers  here  assured  me  it 
seldom  happened  that  a  lady  came  into  his  shop  with 
out  pocketing  a  piece  of  lace,  a  pair  of  gloves,  or 
something  of  the  kind,  provided  she  could  not  get  at 
the  till.  It  is  the  universal  practice  to  search  them 
before  they  depart ;  and,  from  being  used  to  this,  they 
submit  as  quietly  as  lambs.  Plenty  of  company  to 
keep  them  in  countenance,  and  long  habit,  render 
them  indifferent  to  discovery,  as  the  shopman  assured 
me.  Two  or  three  ladies  came  in  meanwhile,  and 
were  suffered  to  go  away  without  being  searched  by 
the  shopman,  who,  as  I  found  to  my  cost  afterwards, 
was  all  this  while  busily  employed  in  emptying  my 
pockets.  Yet,  for  all  this,  these  bragging  republicans 
boast  that  it  is  unnecessary  for  the  country  people  to 
lock  their  doors  at  night.  My  landlord  assured  me 
that  this  was  the  fact,  but  that  it  arose  from  the  con 
viction  that  locking  them  would  be  of  no  service, 
every  man,  both  from  education  and  habit,  being  ex 
ceedingly  expert  in  picking  locks. 

"  The  consequence  of  all  this,"  continued  the  wor 
thy  gentleman  of  colour,  "is  a  general,  I  may  say 
irremediable,  relaxation  of  manners,  and  a  total  want 
of  prudence  and  principle  in  all  classes.  Drunken 
ness,  impiety,  insolence,  extravagance,  ignorance,  bru 
tality,  gluttony,  and  every  vice  that  can  disgrace 
human  nature,  are  the  ordinary  characteristics  of  these 
spawn  of  filthy  democracy,  as  the  Quarterly  says; 
and  if  there  be  any  thing  in  which  these  people  are 
not  utterly  detestable,  it  is  their  fondness  for  oysters, 
which  enables  me  to-  get  a  tolerable  livelihood.  This 


236  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

fondness  is  sharpened  by  the  exquisite  relish  of  break 
ing  the  laws  at  the  same  time  that  they  gratify  their 
appetites — the  corporation  of  the  city,  for  the  pur 
pose  of  monopolizing,  having  enacted  that  no  oysters 
shall  be  brought  to  market,  but  what  they  eat  them 
selves."  Nothing,  indeed,  can  equal  the  tyranny  of 
the  laws  in  this  country ;  nor  would  it  be  possible  to 
live  under  them,  did  not  the  turbulent  spirit  of  demo 
cracy  compound  for  itself,  by  breaking  them  all  with 
out  ceremony. 

It  is  another  consequence  of  the  relaxation  of  morals 
among  these  virtuous  republicans,  that  the  relaxation 
of  the  laws  is  in  proportion  to  the  relaxation  of  morals. 
To  such  an  extent  has  this  been  carried,  that  these 
people  may  be  said  to  have  no  laws  at  all.  All  sorts 
of  crimes  are  here  committed  with  perfect  impunity ; 
and  it  is  a  common  saying,  that  it  requires  more  inter 
est  to  be  hanged,  than  to  attain  to  the  highest  dignity 
of  the  republic.  Drunkenness  is  here  the  usual  and 
infallible  apology  for  crime ;  and  as  the  mass  of  the 
people  are  usually  corned,  as  my  friend  the  communi 
cative  traveller  says,  this  excuse  is  seldom  out  of 
place.  But  what  puzzled  me,  after  seeing  aft  this, 
was,  that  the  jails,  bridewells,  and  penitentiaries, 
which  abound  in  almost  every  street,  were  full  of  peo 
ple.  My  worthy  landlord,  however,  explained  this  to 
my  satisfaction,  by  assuring  me  that  such  was  the 
abject  poverty  and  consequent  misery  of  a  large  por 
tion  of  these  patent  -republicans,  (as  the  Quarterly 
says),  that  they  actually  broke  into  these  receptacles 
by  force,  being  certain  of  getting  board  and  lodging 
for  nothing. 

I  was  struck  with  the  quantity  of  flies  and  muske- 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  237 

toes,  (the  latter  of  which  sing  most  melodiously), 
that  infest  the  streets  and  houses  all  the  year  round, 
and  fly  into  one's  nose  and  ears  at  every  convenient 
opportunity.  To  remedy  this  intolerable  grievance, 
there  is  luckily  a  species  of  spider,  which  spins  across 
the  opening  of  the  ear  a  web  in  which  these  insects 
are  caught.  It  is  no  uncommon  thing  to  see  half  a 
dozen  or  more  flies  and  musketoes  dangling  in  the  ear 
of  a  fine  lady.  There  is  a  law  to  prevent  the  destruc 
tion  of  these  spiders,  as  there  is  against  killing  the 
turkey-buzzards,  which  abound  here,  and  are  the  only 
street-scavengers,  if  we  except  the  citizen-pig  freehold 
ers,  as  the  Quarterly  calls  them. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

Total  absence  of  religion  —  Indivisibility  of  a  king  and  a  divinity,  and  of 
democracy  and  impiety  —  Examples  of  the  Puritans  and  Charles  the 
Second  —  Necessity  of  wealth,  honours,  and  exclusive  privileges,  to  the 
very  existence  of  religion  —  Quarterly  —  Barbarous  love  of  finery  — 
Mode  of  procuring  it  —  Ignorance  —  Story  of  a  blue-stocking  —  Lord 
Bacon  —  111  manners  —  Total  neglect  of  education  —  American  Chancellor 
of  the  Exchequer  can't  write  his  name  —  House  of  Kepresentatives  obliged 
to  have  a  clerk  to  read  for  them !  —  Attempt  of  an  English  lady  to  estab 
lish  a  boarding-school,  and  its  result — French  dancing-masters,  how 
treated,  &c. 

ONE  of  the  first  things  that  disgusts  a  pious  man, 
as  all  Englishmen,  particularly  English  travellers,  are, 
is  the  horrible  profanation  of  the  Sabbath  in  New 
York.  This  contempt  of  religion  and  its  observances 
arises  partly  out  of  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democracy, 
and  partly  from  the  want  of  a  privileged  church  estab- 


238  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

lishment,  such  as  has  made  Great  Britain  the  bulwark 
of  religion  in  all  ages.  There  is  in  the  first  place 
such  a  natural  and  indivisible  association  between  a 
king  reigning  aver  his  people  by  divine  right  and 
Divinity  itself,  that  it  is  next  to  impossible  a  true 
subject  should  not  be  a  true  believer.  On  the  con 
trary,  the  pure  spirit  of  democracy,  which  rejects  the 
divine  right  of  kings,  will  naturally  resist  every  other 
divine  right,  and  thus  it  has  happened  that  impiety 
and  rebellion  have  ever  gone  hand  in  hand.  Every 
person  versed  in  the  history  of  England  must  be  fami 
liar  with  innumerable  examples  of  this  truth.  Waiv 
ing  a  reference  to  all  others,  it  is  sufficient  to  recollect 
the  total  relaxation  of  religion  and  morals  which 
prevailed  among  the  Puritans  who  rebelled  against 
Charles  the  Martyr,  and  the  brilliant  revival  of  piety 
and  the  Church  on  the  accession  of  his  son.  In  fact, 
it  is  a  maxim  with  all  orthodox  writers,  that  a  pioua 
people  will  always  be  obedient  to  their  sovereign,  not 
so  much  because  he  governs  well,  as  because  he  gov 
erns  by  divine  right. 

A  few  obvious  positions  will  in  like  manner  demon 
strate  the  absolute  necessity  of  a  liberally  endowed, 
exclusively  privileged,  church  establishment,  like  that 
of  England.  Money  is  universally  held  to  be  the 
sinews  of  war ;  and  inasmuch  as  money  is  essentially 
necessary  to  enable  the  sovereign  to  defend  and  main 
tain  the  rights  and  interests  of  the  government,  so  is 
it  equally  necessary  to  enable  the  bishops  and  digni 
taries  of  the  Church  to  defend  the  consciences  of  the 
people  against  the  dissenters,  and  all  other  enemies  of 
the  Church.  It  is  a  pure  democratic  absurdity  to  sup 
pose  that  men  will  fight  for01  their  country  from  mere 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  239 

patriotic  feelings,  or  that  they  will  preacli  for  nothing. 
Hence  it  is  essentially  necessary  that  both  should  be 
equally  well  paid ;  for,  as  the  promise  of  the  plunder 
of  a  city  stimulates  the  soldier  to  acts  of  heroism,  so 
in  like  manner  will  the  promise  of  a  good  living  of 
ten  or  fifteen  thousand  sterling  a  year  stimulate  the 
dignitary  of  the  Established  Church  to  fight  the  good 
fight  of  faith  the  more  manfully. 

In  fact,  as  the  Quarterly  says,  "  the  want  of  an 
established  church  has  made  the  bulk  of  the  people 
either  infidels  or  fanatics."  There  will  never  be  any 
pure  religion  here,  until  they  have  an  Archbishop  of 
Armagh  with  sixty  thousand  acres  of  glebe,  and  a 
Bishop  of  Derry  with  one  hundred  and  fifty  thousand. 
It  is  these  and  similar  noble  establishments  in  Ireland, 
that  have  made  the  people  of  that  country  so  ortho 
dox,  and  so  devoted  to  the  king. 

This  mode  of  stimulating  the  zeal  of  pious  digni 
taries  by  wealth  and  honours  is  accompanied  with 
other  special  advantages.  In  proportion  as  the  hier 
archy  is  enriched  by  the  spoils  of  the  people,  the  lat 
ter,  becoming  comparatively  poor,  are  precluded  by 
necessity  from  indulging  in  vicious  extravagance  and 
corrupt  enjoyments.  They  will  practise,  perforce,  ab 
stinence,  economy,  self  denial,  and  the  other  domestic 
virtues  so  essential  to  the  welfare  of  the  lower  orders 
Hence  it  is  sufficiently  obvious  that,  in  proportion  as 
you  curtail  the  superfluities  of  the  commonalty  by 
taxes,  tithes,  high  rents,  and  poor-rates,  you  guaranty 
to  them  the  practice  of  almost  all  the  cardinal  virtues. 
Again :  —  In  proportion  as  the  people  become  poor, 
they  will  necessarily  pay  less  attention  to  the  educa 
tion  of  their  children ;  and  I  fear  no  denial,  except  from 


240  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

radicals,  democrats,  and  atheists,  when  I  assert,  that, 
considering  the  mischievous  books  now  in  circulation 
on  the  subject  of 'liberty  and  such  impieties,  the  great 
est  blessing  that  could  possibly  happen  to  the  lower 
orders  would  be  the  loss  of  the  dangerous  faculty  of 
reading.  In  no  age  of  the  world  were  this  class  of 
people  so  devoted  to  the  honour  of  the  priests  and  the 
glory  of  their  kings,  and  consequently  to  the  interests 
of  religion  and  human  rights,  as  when  a  large  portion 
of  them  could  not  read,  and  were  without  any  prop 
erty  they  could  call  their  own.  I  appeal  to  the  whole 
history  of  mankind  for  proof  of  the  maxim,  that  igno 
rance  and  poverty  are  the  two  pillars  of  a  privileged 
church  and  the  divine  right  of  kings. 

It  may  be  urged  by  radicals,  democrats,  and  unbe 
lievers,  that  the  rule  which  ordains  the  diminution  of 
certain  vices  by  the  absence,  equally  ordains  their  pro 
portionate  increase  by  the  multiplication,  of  the  means 
of  their  gratification ;  and  that,  consequently,  the  rich 
prelates  and  nobility  must  necessarily  become  corrupt 
in  proportion  to  the  increase  of  their  wealth.  But 
even  admitting  this  to  be  true,  the  people  are  gainers 
by  the  arrangement,  since,  by  this  means,  their  sins 
and  transgressions  are  shifted  upon  their  superiors, 
who  answer  the  end  of  a  sort  of  scape-goats,  or  peace- 
offerings,  under  cover  of  which  the  poor  entirely 
escape.  It  is  therefore  plain,  that  the  more  rich  and 
wicked  the  privileged  few  become,  the  more  will  the 
lower  orders  be  exempt  from  the  sinful  consequences 
of  wealth.  Let  us  hear  no  more  then  of  the  im 
pious  slang  of  democracy,  as  the  Quarterly  says, 
which  would  persuade  poor  deluded  innocence  and 
ignorance  that  equal  rights  and  a  general  diffusion  of 


JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA.  241 

knowledge  answer  any  other  end  than  to  make  peo 
ple  thieves,  murderers,  gougers,  bundlers,  unbelievers, 
blasphemers,  rowdies,  and  regulators,  and,  to  sum  up 
all  in  one  word,  republicans. 

When  it  is  recollected,  therefore,  that  the  essence 
of  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democracy  consists  in  the 
rejection  of  not  only  the  divine  right  of  the  king,  but 
of  the  equally  divine  right  of  the  bishops  and  deans 
and  archdeacons  to  their  thousands  a  year,  it  will 
readily  be  conceded  that  a  pure  republican  cannot 
possibly  have  any  religion.  Accordingly,  as  I  before 
observed,  the  first  thing  that  strikes  a  stranger  who  is 
used  to  the  exemplary  modes  of  keeping  the  Sabbath 
in  London  and  all  other  parts  of  England,  is  the  total 
neglect  of  that  day  in  every  portion  of  the  United 
States.  In  New  York,  indeed,  there  are  plenty  of 
churches,  but  they  were  all  built  before  the  millennium 
of  democracy,  as  the  Quarterly  says,  and  under  the 
pious  auspices  of  our  Established  Church.  The  first 
thing  these  blessed  republicans  did  when  they  returned 
to  the  city,  on  the  conclusion  of  the  peace,  was  to  break 
all  the  church-windows,  and  broken  they  have  remained 
ever  since.  One  steeple  has  a  ring  of  eight  copper 
kettles,  instead  of  bells,  which  being  rung  by  the  old 
deaf  sexton,  gives  singular  satisfaction  to  the  com 
monalty —  I  beg  pardon  —  the  sovereign  people  — 
who  assemble  on  Sundays  to  dance  to  the  music  in 
front  of  the  church.  As  to  going  to  church  to  hear 
divine  service,  nobody  pretends  to  such  anti-republi 
can  foolery.  The  shops  are  all  kept  open  on  Sun 
days,  so  that  one  can  see  no  difference  between  that 
and  any  other  day,  except  that  the  good  folks  drink 
twice  as  much  whiskey,  and  put  on  their  newest 

16 


212  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

suits,  in  which  they  stagger  about  with  infinite  digni 
ty,  until  finally  they  generally  tumble  into  the  gutter, 
spoil  their  finery,  and  sleep  themselves  sober.  Such 
are  the  genuine  habits  of  the  turbulent  spirit  of  de 
mocracy,  as  the  Quarterly  says.  My  worthy  landlord 
assured  me  that  the  African  church  was  the  only  one 
in  which  there  was  a  chance  of  hearing  a  sermon,  and 
that  even  there  the  whole  congregation  was  sometimes 
taken  up  and  carried  to  the  watch-house,  under  pre 
tence  that  they  disturbed  the  neighbourhood  with 
their  groanings,  howlings,  and  other  demonstrations 
of  genuine  piety.  The  true  reason  was,  however, 
that  these  bundling,  gouging  democrats,  as  the  Quar 
terly  calls  them,  have  such  a  bitter  hostility  to  all  sorts 
of  religion,  that  they  cannot  bear  that  even  the  poor 
negroes  should  sing  psalms.  However,  as  it  is  the 
first  duty  of  a  Christian  to  hide  the  faults,  and  draw 
a  veil  over  the  transgressions,  of  his  fellow-men,  I 
shall  abstain  from  any  further  comments  on  the  horri 
ble  depravity  of  republicanism  in  general,  and  Yankee 
republicanism  in  particular.  But  I  must  not  omit  to 
mention  that,  in  this,  as  well  as  every  other  town  in 
the  United  States,  there  is  a  society  for  the  propaga 
tion  of  unbelief,  secretly  supported  by  the  govern 
ment,  most  of  the  principal  officers  of  which  are 
members.  Their  exertions  were  inveterate  and  un 
ceasing,  and  they  displayed  the  same  zeal  in  making 
an  atheist  of  a  devout  Christian  that  we  do  in  the 
conversion  of  a  Jew.  Of  late  these  societies  have 
remitted  their  labours,  in  consequence  of  there  being 
no  more  Christians  to  work  upon. 

The  love  of  dress,  glitter,  and  parade,  is  one  of  the 
characteristics  of  a  rude  and  republican  people ;  of 


JOHN  BULL  IN   AMERICA.  243 

course  we  see  it  displayed  here  in  all  its  barbarous 
extravagance.  Every  thing  they  can  beg,  borrow, 
hire,  or  steal,  is  put  on  their  backs,  and  a  fine  lady 
somewhat  resembles  a  vessel  dressed  in  the  colours  of 
all  nations.  It  is  impossible  to  tell  what  flag  she  sails 
under.  This  finery  is  for  the  most  part  hired  by  the 
day,  of  the  milliners  and  pawn-brokers,  and  there  are 
dresses  which  can  be  had  at  from  two  shillings  to  a 
dollar  a  day.  The  first  young  ladies  of  the  city,  who 
never  know  their  own  minds,  but  always  "  guess  "  at 
it,  as  the  Quarterly  says,  principally  figure  in  these 
hired  dresses ;  and  it  is  by  no  means  uncommon  for 
one  of  them  to  be  hauled  out  of  the  City  Assembly  or 
a  fashionable  party  by  a  pawn-broker,  in  consequence 
of  having  kept  the  dress  longer  than  the  time  speci 
fied.  One  might  suppose  such  an  accident  would 
disturb  the  harmony  of  the  company,  but  the  other 
young  ladies  continue  to  dance  away  without  taking 
any  notice  of  the  unfortunate  Cinderella  thus  stripped 
of  her  finery,  or  perhaps  content  themselves  with 
guessing  what  the  matter  may  be.  I  ought  to  men 
tion  here,  that,  though  the  young  ladies  always 
"  guess,"  the  young  gentlemen  are  commonly  given  to 
"  reckoning  "  upon  a  thing  —  a  phrase  which  becomes 
exceedingly  familiar  by  a  long  habit  of  running  up 
scores  at  taverns. 

Notwithstanding  all  the  cant  and  boasting  of  these 
turbulent  democrats  about  the  necessity  of  education 
to  self-government,  the  general  diffusion  of  intelli 
gence,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing,  it  is  most  amazing  to 
see  the  ignorance  of  the  best-educated  people  here.  A 
young  lady  of  the  first  fashion  who  can  read  writing, 
is  considered  a  phenomenon ;  while  she  who  has  read 


244  JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA. 

Lord  Byron  is  held  a  blue-stocking,  and  avoided  by 
all  the  dandies  for  fear  she  should  puzzle  them  with 
her  learning.  Such,  indeed,  is  the  natural  antipathy 
of  genuine  republicanism  to  all  sorts  of  literature,  that 
the  only  possible  way  of  teaching  the  little  children 
their  a,  b,  c,  is  by  appealing  to  their  inordinate  appe 
tites,  in  the  shape  of  gingerbread  letters  well  sweet 
ened  with  molasses.  The  seduction  is  irresistible,  for 
no  genuine  Yankee  republican  can  make  head  against 
treacle.  I,  one  night  at  a  literary  party,  happened  to 
mention  some  opinion  from  Lord  Bacon  *  to  a  young 
lady  who  had  the  reputation  of  being  rather  blue. 
"  Bacon,  bacon  ?  "  —  replied  she  briskly  —  "  O !  I  guess 
we  call  it  gammon.  But  we  don't  put  *  Lord '  to  it, 
because  it's  anti-republican."  I  took  occasion  to  ap 
prise  her,  with  as  little  appearance  of  contempt  as 
possible,  that  our  Bacon  was  not  gammon,  nor  ham, 
but  no  less  a  personage  than  the  present  Lord  Chan 
cellor  of  England,  the  sole  inventor  and  propounder 
of  human  reason  and  the  noble  art  of  philosophy.  "  I 
guess  he  must  have  made  a  power  of  money  by  it," 
said  the  learned  lady.  "  Did  he  get  a  patten  for  his 
invention  ?  We  always  get  pattens  for  any  great  dis 
coveries  in  Amerrykey"  Upon  this  she  started  up, 
ran  giggling  over  to  some  of  her  set,  and  continued  the 
whole  evening  laughing  at  me,  thus  joining  ill-man 
ners  to  ignorance.  But  what  can  you  expect  from  a 
gang  of  barbarians,  among  whom  learning  is  consid 
ered  anti-republican,  as  the  young  lady  said ;  where,  to 
be  able  to  read  is  an  insuperable  obstacle  to  promo 
tion,  and  where  the  present  Chancellor  of  the  Excheq- 

[*  "  Lord"  Bacon,  so  generally  styled,  was  properly  Francis  Bacon,  Vis 
count  St.  Albans  and  Buron  Verulam.] 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  245 

uer  of  the  United  States,  who  is  considered  as  one  of 
their  best  scholars,  signs  his  name  with  a  fac-simile  — 
that  is,  by  deputy  ?  This  deputy  they  were  obliged  to 
send  to  England  for,  on  account  of  the  few  persons 
who  could  write  being  all  engaged  in  forging  the  sig 
natures  of  bank  notes.  Even  the  House  of  Representa 
tives,  where  all  the  wisdom  and  learning  of  the  nation 
assembles,  is  obliged  to  employ  a  clerk  to  read  the 
papers,  messages,  &c.,  for  the  edification  of  the  coun 
try  members,  whose  education  has  been  neglected  in 
that  respect. 

To  sum  up  my  remarks  on  the  subject  of  literature 
here,  I  may  say,  with  perfect  truth  and  impartiality, 
that  the  education  of  youth  consists  in  learning  to 
drink  whiskey,  eat  tobacco,  love  dirt  and  debauchery, 
despise  religion,  and  hate  kings.  An  English  lady 
attempted  to  establish  a  boarding-school  for  young 
ladies  a  few  years  ago,  but  the  genius  of  democracy 
would  not  submit  to  her  salutary  restrictions.  The 
young  ladies  first  pouted ;  then  broke  into  the  kitchen, 
where  they  devoured  all  they  could  find,  and  came 
very  near  eating  up  the  black  cook ;  and  finally  set 
fire  to  the  house,  and  ran  away  by  the  light  of  it: 
since  which  nobody  has  been  hardy  enough  to  set  up 
a  school  for  young  ladies,  except  two  or  three  despe 
rate  Frenchmen.  These  confine  themselves  to  teach 
ing  them  dancing,  which,  being  an  art  congenial 
to  savages,  they  acquire  with  considerable  docility. 
They  sometimes,  to  be  sure,  pommel  the  poor  French 
men  black  and  blue  with  the  heels  of  their  shoes ;  but 
candour  obliges  me  to  state,  that  I  never  heard  of 
their  tearing  the  dancing-master  in  pieces,  or  eating 
him  up  alive. 


2-16  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 


CHAPTER  VII. 

Quotations  from  the  Quarterly  —  Poverty  of  invention  and  want  of  original 
ity  of  republicans  —  Dr.  Watts  —  Emigrants,  their  situation  here  — 
Story  of  one  —  Author  advises  him  to  go  home  and  tell  his  story  to  the 
editor  of  the  Quarterly — Promises  him  a  free  passage  to  England  —  Re 
flections,  &c. 

ONE  may  truly  say,  with  the  Quarterly,  *  "  the 
scum  of  all  the  earth  is  drifted  into  New  York,"  not 
withstanding  what  Miss  Wright  and  Captain  Hall  f 
may  affirm  to  the  contrary,  in  their  "  prostitute  rhap 
sodies,  and  flippant  farragoes  of  impiety,  malevolence, 
and  radical  trash,"  as  the  Quarterly  says.  "  Godless 
reprobates,  brutal  and  ferocious  tyrants,  thieves,  swind 
lers,  and  murderers,"  as  the  Quarterly  says,  "  make  up 
the  mass  of  the  population."  "  Robberies,  burglaries, 
and  attempts  at  murder,  disgrace  the  city  every  day ; 
and  one  cannot  walk  the  streets  in  the  daylight,  with 
out  seeing  fellows  lie  in  the  gutters,  with  broken  legs, 
arms,  &c.,  who  continue,  day  after  day,  without  being 
noticed  by  the  nightly  watch  or  the  open  eye  of  hu 
manity,  to  roast  in  the  sun,  and  be  devoured  by  the 
flies,"  as  the  Quarterly  says.  Indeed,  I  can  safely, 
and  from  experience,  affirm  that  the  Quarterly  is  per 
fectly  justified  in  asserting  that,  "  Insolence  of  de 
meanour  is  mistaken  for  high-minded  independence ; " 
that  no  reputable  English  traveller  ever  saw  man, 
woman,  or  child,  blush  here,  except,  it  might  be, 
English  people  not  yet  properly  acclimated ;  that  the 
speeches  of  lawyers  and  members  of  Congress  are  all 

*  Vide  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed. 

f  Captain  Francis  Hall  of  the  Light  Dragoons.    1837. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  247 

jargon  and  nonsense;  that  the  preachers  of  the  gos 
pel  bellow  out  their  sermons  in  their  shirt  sleeves; 
that  the  judges  are,  for  the  most  part,  worse  criminals 
than  those  they  try;  that  dogs  are  trained  to  hunt 
young  negroes,  instead  of  to  point  game;  that  men, 
women,  children,  negroes,  strangers,  congregate  to 
gether  at  night,  in  one  room ;  that  not  one  in  ten  of 
the  slaves  dies  a  natural  death,  they  being,  for  the 
most  part,  whipped  till  they  mortify  and  the  flies  eat 
them ;  that  the  moral  air  is  putrid ;  that  the  land  is  all 
hung  up  in  the  air  to  dry ;  that  the  air  is  one  animated 
region  of  flies,  musketoes,  and  other  noxious  insects ; 
and  that  such  is  the  influence  of  the  turbulent  spirit 
of  democracy,  not  only  upon  the  moral  and  physical 
qualities  of  the  people,  but  upon  the  very  elements 
themselves,  that  the  latter  are  not  less  perverted  than 
the  former.  All  this  I  am  ready  to  swear  to,  and  so 
is  the  Quarterly  Review.  Respect  for  the  precept  of 
our  pure  English  orthodoxy  which  inculcates  charity 
and  good-will  to  all  men  prevents  my  indulging 
any  further  upon  this  topic.  For  the  present,  I  shall 
content  myself  with  summing  up  the  characters  of 
these  patent  republicans,  in  the  words  of  the  Quar 
terly. 

"  Fools  must  not  come  here,  for  the  Americans  are 
naturally  cold,  jealous,  suspicious,  and  knavish  — 
without  any  sense  of  honour.  They  believe  every 
man  a  rogue  until  they  see  the  contrary  —  and  there 
is  no  other  way  of  managing  them  except  by  bully 
ing.  They  have  nothing  original ;  all  that  is  good  or 
new  is  done  by  foreigners,  and  yet  they  boast  eter 
nally."  *  In  proof  of  this  I  may  add,  that  they  claim 

*  Vide  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed. 


248  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

every  thing,  and  have  even  attempted,  as  I  before 
observed,  to  rob  poor  Dr.  Watts  of  the  credit  of  hav 
ing  invented  the  steam-boat.  I  have  little  doubt  but 
they  will  lay  claim  to  his  psalm-book  before  long. 
There  is  every  day  some  invention  trumped  up  here, 
which  has  been  exploded  and  forgotten  in  England, 
and  for  which  a  patent  is  procured  without  any  diffi 
culty.  It  is  only  to  swear  to  its  originality,  and  that 
is  a  ceremony  which  no  genuine  republican  will  hesi 
tate  a  moment  in  going  through.  This  city  is  full  of 
foreigners;  but  what  can  possibly  induce  them  to 
come  here,  I  cannot  conceive.  I  have  not  met  with 
a  single  Englishman  that  was  not  grumbling  at  his 
situation,  and  discontented  with  every  thing  around 
him.  The  inns  are  filthy  —  the  boarding-houses  not 
fit  to  live  in  —  the  waiters  negligent  and  saucy  —  the 
wines  poison  —  and  the  cooking  execrable.  Yet  they 
remain  here  with  an  unwarrantable  pertinacity,  in 
spite,  not  only  of  the  Quarterly,  but  of  the  bitter  les 
sons  of  experience  they  receive  every  hour. 

One  morning  as  I  was  walking  up  Chestnut  street, 
the  principal  promenade  in  New  York,  I  saw  a  poor 
drunken  fellow  wallowing  in  the  gutter,  and  talking 
to  himself  about  Old  England.  This  circumstance, 
together  with  his  dialect,  which  partook  somewhat  of 
the  Yorkshire  purity,  excited  my  curiosity  and  com 
miseration.  I  helped  him  up,  conducted  him  to  my 
lodgings,  and  put  him  to  bed  to  sleep  himself  sober. 
After  he  awoke  and  had  refreshed  himself  with  a 
dozen  stewed  oysters,  I  inquired  his  history.  His 
tale  so  happily  illustrates  the  common  fate  of  English 
emigrants  to  this  El  Dorado,  (as  the  Quarterly  calls 
it),  that  I  shall  give  it  in  his  own  words,  as  nearly  as 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  249 

possible.  The  poor  man  could  neither  read  nor  write, 
and  had  been,  as  will  be  perceived,  the  dupe  of  those 
interested  speculators  and  agents  of  this  government, 
who  write  books  to  deceive  the  ignorant  and  unwary 
English. 

"  I  was  very  comfortably  situated  in  Old  England, 
the  land  of  liberty  religion  and  roast  beef,  except  that 
one  fourth  of  my  earnings  went  to  the  tax-gatherer, 
another  to  the  poor-rates,  and  another  to  the  parson 
and  landlord.  But  still,  as  I  said  before,  I  was  happy 
and  contented  ;  when  I  happened  to  read  Mr.  Birk- 
beck's  *  radical  trash,'  as  the  Quarterly  says,  which 
turned  my  head,  and  put  me  quite  out  of  conceit  with 
the  blessings  of  English  roast  beef  and  English  liberty. 
About  this  time  the  man  came  round  to  tax  my  house, 
my  land,  my  horses,  oxen,  cattle,  servants,  windows, 
and  a  dozen  or  two  more  small  matters.  A  little 
while  after,  the  parson  sent  for  his  tithes,  the  landlord 
for  his  rent,  and  the  overseers  of  the  poor  for  the  poor- 
rates.  All  these,  coming  just  upon  the  back  of  Mr. 
Birkbeck's  mischievous  book,  put  me  quite  out  of 
patience,  so  I  made  up  my  mind  to  emigrate  to 
America. 

"  I  sold  off  all  that  I  had,  turned  it  into  English 
guineas,  and  went  down  to  Liverpool,  where  I  took 
passage.  Supposing  I  should  have  no  use  for  money 
in  the  States,  after  paying  my  passage  I  spent  the 
rest  in  treating  my  fellow-passengers  at  the  tavern, 
and  set  sail,  with  empty  pockets,  yet  full  of  spirits. 
The  Captain  was  a  full-blooded  Yankee  democrat, 
and  the  greatest  little  tyrant  in  the  world.  He  held 
that  it  was  much  better  to  steal  than  to  labour,*  and, 

*  Vide  58th  No.  of  the  Quarterly. 


250  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

by  way  of  illustrating  his  theory,  robbed  me  of  twenty 
guineas  on  the  passage.  On  rny  remonstrating  with 
him,  he  told  me  that  it  was  the  universal  custom  of 
his  country,  and  I  might  make  it  up  on  my  arrival  in 
New  York,  by  robbing  the  first  man  I  met  with. 

"  Our  passage  was  long,  and,  as  the  Captain  had 
not  laid  in  half  enough  provisions,  we  were  obliged  to 
cast  lots  at  the  end  of  a  fortnight,  who  should  be 
killed  and  eaten.  The  first  lot  fell  upon  me,  but  I 
bribed  a  poor  simple  Yankee,  with  a  guinea,  to  take 
my  place.  Our  Captain  insisted  upon  the  privilege 
of  knocking  the  man  on  the  head,  it  being  one  of  his 
greatest  delights;  there  was  nothing  he  preferred  to 
it,  except  hunting  little  people  of  colour  with  blood 
hounds.  Out  of  ten  passengers  in  the  steerage,  I  was 
the  only  one  that  got  to  New  York  alive,  the  rest  being 
all  killed  and  eaten.  When  I  stepped  ashore,  I  was 
so  hungry,  and  had  got  such  an  inveterate  habit  of 
eating  human  flesh,  that  I  immediately  laid  hold  of  a 
fat  fellow,  and  bit  a  piece  out  of  his  cheek.  Un 
luckily  he  turned  out  to  be  an  alderman,  and  I  was 
forthwith  taken  to  the  Bridewell,*  where  I  made 
acquaintance  with  several  of  the  most  fashionable  peo 
ple  of  the  city,  who  generally  spend  a  part  of  their 
time  there.  I  had  read  of  this  in  the  Quarterly,  but 
did  not  believe  it  till  now ;  and,  when  I  get  home  to 
Old  England,  I  intend  to  publish  it  all  in  a  book  of 
travels.  I  shall  make  a  good  round  sum  by  it,  if  I 
can  only  get  one  of  the  Reviewers  to  write  it  down 
for  me,  and  say  a  good  word  in  the  way  of  criticism. 

[*  The  Bridewell,  in  the  City  Hall  park,  was  a  place  of  detention  for 
persons  arrested  on  a  charge  of  crime  or  misdemeanor ;  also,  for  persons  sen 
tenced  to  short  terms  of  imprisonment.] 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  251 

"  The  Bridewell  is  a  pleasant  place  enough.  Once 
a  week  they  have  an  assembly ;  on  Sunday  they  play 
at  all-fours;  and  every  day  in  the  week  they  tipple 
delightfully,  in  company  with  the  judges  of  the  court, 
the  corporation,  and  a  select  number  of  the  clergy. 
For  my  part,  I  should  not  have  minded  spending  the 
rest  of  my  days  there ;  but  this  was  too  great  a  luxury. 
So  I  was  turned  out  at  the  end  of  a  fortnight,  to 
make  room  for  a  lady  of  fashion,  who  was  caught 
stealing  a  pig  in  Broadway.  From  the  Bridewell  I 
went  sauntering  down  the  street,  expecting  every 
moment  that  some  one  would  call  out  to  me  to  come 
and  do  some  little  job,  and  pay  me  a  dollar  for  it. 
But  I  might  have  saved  myself  the  trouble,  for  not  a 
soul  took  the  least  notice  of  me,  until  at  last  an  honest 
fellow  slapped  me  on  the  shoulder,  called  me  coun 
tryman,  and  asked  me  into  a  tavern  to  take  a  swipes. 

"  Having  been  somewhat  corrupted  by  the  fashion 
able  society  in  Bridewell,  I  suffered  myself  to  be 
seduced,  and  went  in  with  him.  Here,  while  we  sat 
drinking,  I  told  him  my  situation,  and  the  difficulty  I 
had  in  getting  employment.  He  asked  me  if  I  was 
a  sober  man,  and  on  my  assuring  him  I  never  drank 
any  thing  stronger  than  water,  exclaimed, '  By  my  soul, 
brother,  but  that  is  the  very  reason.  Nobody  ever 
thinks  of  employing  a  sober  man  here ;  and  if  you 
look  for  work  till  doomsday,  you  will  never  find  it 
unless  you  qualify  yourself  by  seeing  double,  by  which 
means  you'll  get  two  jobs  for  one.'  I  told  him  I  had 
no  money,  and,  if  I  had,  nothing  should  tempt  me  to 
drink.  <  Oho ! '  cried  he,  '  You've  no  money  to  pay 
your  shot,  eh  ? '  So  he  fell  upon  me,  and  gouged  out 
both  my  eyes,  besides  biting  off  a  good  part  of  my 


252  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

nose,  under  pretence  that  I  had  sponged  upon  him,  as 
he  called  it ;  but  the  landlord  afterward  assured  me  it 
was  only  because  I  would  not  drink,  it  being  the  cus 
tom  here  to  beat  people  to  death,  or  roast  them  alive, 
if  they  won't  get  drunk. 

"  Finding  it  was  the  custom  of  the  country,  and 
that  there  was  no  getting  along  without  it,  and  that 
drink  I  must  or  starve,  I  took  to  the  bottle,  and  soon 
got  employment  in  sweeping  the  streets,  and  in  other 
miscellaneous  matters.  Agreeably  to  the  good  old 
maxims  of  English  prudence,  I  determined,  in  my  own 
mind,  to  drink  up  only  three  fourths  of  my  wages, 
and  save  the  rest  to  buy  a  farm  in  the  western  coun 
try,  where  I  intended  to  go  and  set  up  for  a  member 
of  Congress,  when  I  had  qualified  myself  by  being 
able  to  walk  a  crack  after  swallowing  half  a  gallon  of 
whiskey.  But  my  prudential  resolves  were  of  no 
avail,  for  the  gentlemen-sweepers  told  me  it  was 
against  the  law  to  save  our  wages.  On  my  demur 
ring  to  this,  they  took  me  before  the  judge,  who  de 
creed  me  a  beating,  besides  taking  away  the  money  I 
had  saved,  which  he  laid  out  in  liquor,  and  we  got 
merry  together, 

"  Seeing  there  was  no  use  in  laying  up  money,  I 
thought  it  best  to  follow  the  custom,  and,  from  that 
time,  regularly  spent  at  night  what  I  earned  during 
the  day.  I  led  a  jolly  life  of  it,  but  it  was,  like  the 
Bridewell,  too  good  to  last  for  ever.  I  fell  sick,  ow 
ing  to  the  unhealthiness  of  the  climate,  which  causes 
a  large  portion  of  the  people  to  die  off  every  year. 
They  carried  me  to  the  hospital,  where  they  would 
not  give  me  a  mouthful  of  liquor ;  kept  me  upon  soup- 
diet,  and  cut  off  my  leg  with  a  handsaw,  by  way  of 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  253 

experiment.  How  I  ever  got  well,  and  got  my  leg  on 
again,  I  can  not  tell ;  but  you  will  hardly  believe  it, 
when  I  assure  you,  that,  after  keeping  me  here  in  per 
fect  idleness  for  six  weeks,  and  curing  me,  they  most 
inhumanly  turned  me  out  into  the  streets  to  begin  the 
world  again !  That  emigrants  to  this  land  of  promise 
should  be  obliged  to  work  for  a  living  was  too  bad, 
and  I  determined  not  to  submit  to  such  an  imposi 
tion  ;  so  I  snapped  my  fingers  at  them,  swore  I  would 
see  them  hanged  first,  and  threatened  them  with  the 
vengeance  of  the  Quarterly.  <  This  is  a  pretty  free 
country,  to  be  sure,'  said  I,  '  where  a  poor  emigrant  is 
obliged  to  work  for  a  living.' 

"  Walking  in  a  melancholy  mood  down  the  street, 
I  all  at  once  thought  of  what  the  captain  of  the 
Yankee  ship  told  me,  about  its  being  the  universal 
opinion  and  practice  here,  that  it  was  much  easier  to 
get  a  thing  by  stealing  than  working  for  it.  This 
sophistry  of  the  captain  corrupted  me  on  the  spot,  and 
I  took  the  first  opportunity  of  putting  the  theory  into 
practice  by  cabbaging  out  of  a  window  a  watch 
which  hung  so  invitingly  that  I  could  not  resist  the 
temptation.  I  put  it  into  my  pocket  till  I  got  to 
the  church,  where  I  pulled  it  out  in  order  to  set  it  by 
the  clock.  Just  at  that  moment  a  fellow,  with  all  the 
characteristic  insolence  of  democracy,  (as  the  Quarterly 
says),  laid  hold  of  me  and  the  watch,  and,  before  I 
could  muster  presence  of  mind  to  knock  the  impudent 
rascal  down,  lugged  me  off  into  court,  where  I  was 
examined  and  committed.  Instead  of  enjoying  myself 
in  jail  for  a  year  or  two,  according  to  the  custom  of 
Old  England,  before  trial,  I  was  brought  up  the  very 
next  day,  tried,  sentenced,  and  accommodated  for 


254  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

three  years  in  the  state-prison,  before  I  could  say  Jack 
Robinson.  It  was  in  vain  I  pleaded  the  custom  of 
the  country,  and  appealed  to  the  sacred  name  of  lib 
erty,  and  the  authority  of  the  Yankee  captain.  The 
judge  coolly  told  me  that  the  custom  of  the  country 
applied  only  to  natives,  and  that,  not  being  even 
naturalized,  I  deserved  more  exemplary  punishment 
for  trespassing  upon  the  peculiar  privileges  of  the  free- 
born  sons  of  liberty.  '  By  the  time  you  get  out  of 
prison,'  said  his  honour, '  you  will  be  qualified  for  citi 
zenship,  and  may  then  steal  as  many  watches  as  you 
please.'  I  bowed,  thanked  his  lordship  —  who,  by  the 
way,  (only  think!),  wore  neither  gown  nor  wig  —  and 
withdrew  to  go  through  my  initiation  into  citizenship. 
"  People  may  talk  of  the  state-prison,  but,  for  my 
part,  if  any  thing  could  tempt  me  longer  to  breathe 
the  pure  air  of  liberty  in  this  land  of  hog-stealing 
judges*  and  shoe-making  magistrates,  it  would  be 
the  hope  of  spending  three  more  such  happy  years. 
I  had  plenty  of  meat  every  day,  (which,  to  a  hard 
working  man  of  the  land  of  roast  beef,  was  enchant 
ing,  if  only  on  account  of  its  novelty),  and  did  not 
work  half  so  hard  as  at  home.  As  for  the  loss  of 
liberty,  any  person  who  reads  the  Quarterly  must  con 
sider  that  a  great  blessing.  They  were  obliged  to 
turn  me  out  neck  and  heels,  at  the  end  of  my  delight 
ful  seclusion.  In  revenge  I  picked  the  turnkey's 
pocket,  got  gloriously  fuddled,  and  was  ruminating  in 
delightful  recollections*  of  Old  England,  when  your 
lordship  found  me,  and  carried  me  home  with  you. 
By  the  way,  I  should  like  a  few  more  of  those  capital 
oysters.  To  make  an  end,  I  am  now  balancing 

*  Vide  58  No. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  255 

whether  I  shall  take  out  my  citizenship,  and  thus 
qualify  myself  for  the  Yankee  mode  of  sporting ;  steal 
another  watch  before  I  become  privileged,  and  so  get 
into  that  paradise,  the  state-prison,  again ;  or  apply  for 
a  free  passage  to  the  land  of  liberty  and  roast  beef. 
They  tell  me  I  shall  be  provided  for,  if  1  will  give  a 
certificate  that  it  is  impossible  for  an  English  emi 
grant  to  exist  in  this  country.  For  my  part,  I  am  not 
particular,  and  am  ready  to  say,  or  swear  to,  any 
thing,  to  be  revenged  on  these  bloody  Yankees,  who 
first  put  a  man  in  jail,  and  then  turn  him  out  again, 
against  all  the  rules  of  liberty  and  good  government." 
I  advised  the  poor  man  to  go  home  to  England,  and 
promised  to  get  him  a  free  passage.  I  also  gave  him 
a  letter  to  the  editor  of  the  Quarterly,  requesting 
him  to  take  down  his  story,  and  make  an  article  of 
it  in  his  next  number,  for  the  purpose  of  deterring  all 
his  deluded  countrymen  from  adventuring  to  this  land 
of  bundling,  gouging,  guessing,  and  democracy.  The 
fate  of  this  poor,  deluded,  honest,  and  industrious 
emigrant,  ought  to  be  a  warning  to  all  those  who  sigh 
for  the  blessings  of  pure  democracy,  and  believe  in 
the  impious  radical  slang  of  Miss  Wright,  Captain 
Hall,  Birkbeck,  and  the  rest  of  the  polluted,  putrid, 
pestilent,  radical  fry,  as  the  Quarterly  says.  The  best 
of  these  English  emigrants  are  actually  obliged  to 
work  for  a  living,  and,  if  they  are  not  lucky  enough  to 
get  into  the  Bridewell  or  state-prison,  more  than  two 
thirds  of  them  actually  starve  to  death. 


256  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 


CHAPTER 


Seeming  inconsistencies  and  contradictions  in  this  country  —  Explanation  of 
these  —  Park  —  Battery  —  Sunday  amusements  —  Spirit  of  democracy  — 
Impiety  —  Specimens  of  republican  conversation  —  Theatre  —  American 
play  —  American  Roscius  —  Kean  —  Cooke  —  Cooke  a  great  favourite, 
and  why  —  Plays  and  actors,  all  English  —  Little  Frenchman!  —  Author 
changes  his  lodging  —  Attempt  to  rob  and  murder  him  by  the  little 
Frenchman  and  his  companion  —  Spirit  of  democracy. 

THE  more  I  see  of  the  people  of  this  country,  the 
more  I  am  struck  with  the  seeming  inconsistencies 
that  I  every  day  encounter.  That  they  are  the  great 
est  cowards  in  existence  is  clear  from  the  repeated 
assertions  of  the  Quarterly  ;  yet  they  are  continually 
fighting  and  quarrelling.  That  they  are  utterly  desti 
tute  of  every  feeling  of  personal  honour  *  is  proved 
by  the  same  authority  ;  and  yet  the  young  men  are 
all  duellists,  and  risk  their  lives  every  day  upon  the 
point  of  honour.  There  is  no  country  in  the  world, 
as  I  have  before  stated,  where  thieving,  house-break 
ing,  and  murder,  are  so  common,  and  yet  the  shop 
keepers  hang  out  their  richest  goods  at  the  doors  and 
windows  ;  the  housewives  leave  their  clothes  out  all 
night  to  bleach  or  dry  ;  the  country  people  leave  their 
implements  in  the  fields  without  scruple,  and  there  is 
a  general  carelessness  in  this  respect,  which  would 
seem  to  indicate  an  honest  and  virtuous  people.  But 
a  little  study  and  attention  soon  lets  one  into  the 
secret  of  all  this,  and  the  explanation  becomes  per 
fectly  easy. 

That  quarrelsome  people,  and  those  who  run  wan- 

*  Vide  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  257 

tonly  into  danger,  are,  for  the  most  part,  cowards,  is 
demonstrable.  He,  for  instance,  that  seeks  to  quarrel, 
seeks  to  fight  —  he  that  seeks  to  fight,  seeks  to  die  — 
he  that  seeks  to  die,  seeks  never  to  fight  more  —  and 
he  that  seeks  never  to  fight  more,  is  a  coward.  To 
explain  the  seeming  contradiction  to  the  old  maxim, 
that  knavery  is  always  suspicious  of  others,  it  is  only 
necessary  to  refer  to  the  fact,  that  people  careless  of 
their  own  property  are  generally  the  most  apt  to  make 
free  with  that  of  others,  and  this  constitutes  the  very 
essence  of  the  spirit  of  democracy.  The  people  don't 
mind  being  robbed,  because  they  can  easily  reimburse 
themselves  by  plundering  their  neighbours  of  twice 
the  amount.  Indeed,  such  is  the  inveterate  passion 
for  pilfering,  that  it  is  no  uncommon  thing  for  a  man; 
to  rob  himself,  that  he  may  have  an  excuse  for  mak 
ing  reprisals  upon  his  friends.  On  one  occasion  I 
went  into  a  jeweller's  shop,  which  I  found  deserted 
by  every  body.  After  staying  long  enough  to  have 
filled  my  pockets  with  jewels,  the  shopman  came  in, 
and,  glancing  his  eyes  round  to  see  if  all  was  safe, 
seemed  very  much  mortified  that  I  had  not  robbed 
him.  I  heard  him  mutter  to  himself,  "  one  of  your 

d d  honest  Englishmen." 

It  is  in  this  manner  that  the  society  of  which  the 
pure  spirit  of  democracy  forms  the  basis  is  consti 
tuted  ;  and  this  is  what  is  practically  meant  by  equal 
rights.  It  puzzled  me  at  first,  how  a  society  so  con 
stituted  could  possibly  subsist  for  any  length  of  time. 
But  the  wonder  is  easily  explained.  To  be  free,  a 
people  must  be  in  a  state  of  barbarity  —  to  be  in 
a  state  of  barbarity,  is  to  approach  to  a  state  of  na 
ture —  to  approach  to  a  state  of  nature,  is  to  come 

17 


258  JOHN  BULL  IN   AMERICA. 

near  it  —  to  come  very  near  it,  is  to  be  on  the  verge 
—  and  to  be  on  the  verge,  is  ten  to  one  to  fall  in. 
Hence  a  free  people  must  be  in  a  state  of  nature, 
where  we  know  all  things  are  in  common,  and  conse 
quently  all  men  thieves.  If  it  be  urged,  that  a  people 
in  a  state  of  nature  can  have  no  system  of  laws,  I 
answer  that  there  is  no  essential  difference  between  a 
people  who  have  no  laws,  and  a  people  who  pay  no 
regard  to  them.  The  pure  spirit  of  democracy  is 
nothing  but  a  state  of  nature,  as  the  Quarterly  has 
sufficiently  proved;  and  the  people  of  this  country 
are  all  bundling,  gouging,  scalping,  guessing,  spitting, 
swearing,  unbelieving  democrats.* 

In  my  various  walks  about  the  city,  I  visited  the 
Park,  as  it  is  called,  and  the  Battery,  the  pride  and 
boast  of  these  modest  republicans.  The  Park  is  situ 
ated  at  the  intersection  of  Hudson  and  Duane  streets, 
and  is  very  nearly,  or  quite,  large  enough  for  bleach 
ing  a  pair  of  sheets  and  a  pillow-case  all  at  once. 
Judging  from  newspaper  puffs,  you  would  suppose  it 
was  an  elegant  promenade,  encompassed  with  iron 
railing ;  but  I  may  hope  to  be  believed  when  I  assure 
my  readers  that  no  one  walks  there  but  pigs  and 
washer-women,  and  that  the  part  of  the  fence  which 
still  remains  is  nothing  but  pine.  There  is  no  other 
park  in  the  city.  But  the  Battery !  O,  you  should 
see  the  Battery  —  for  seeing  is  believing.  I  visited  it 
on  Sunday  afternoon,  when  I  was  told  I  should  see 
it  in  all  its  glory.  I  saw  what  we  should  call  a 
wharf,  jutting  out  into  a  sluggish  puddle  about  half 
a  quarter  of  a  mile  wide,  which  they  call  a  bay.  On 
this  wharf  were  a  few  poles  stuck  up  —  they  had  no 

*  Vide  No.  58.  Eng.  Ed. 


JOHN  BULL  IN   AMERICA.  259 

leaves  or  limbs,  but  I  was  assured  they  would  grow 
in  time.  Here  I  saw  hundreds,  not  to  say  thousands, 
of  people,  strutting,  or  rather  staggering,  about  in 
dirty  finery  —  some  hugging  and  kissing  each  other 
with  the  most  nauseating  publicity  —  others  singing 
indecent  and  impious  songs  —  but  the  majority  of 
them,  in  the  true  spirit  of  democracy,  gouging  and 
dirking  each  other  for  amusement.  In  one  corner 
might  be  seen  a  group  wallowing  and  rolling  about 
in  the  mud  like  drunken  swine  —  in  another,  half  a 
dozen  poor  wretches  gouged  or  dirked,  writhing  in 
agony  amid  the  shouts  of  the  people  —  and  in  a  third, 
a  heap  of  miserable  victims  in  the  last  stage  of  yellow 
fever.  Nobody  evinced  the  least  sympathy  for  them, 
and  here  no  doubt  they  perished  with  a  burning  fever, 
exposed  to  a  broiling  sun,  with  the  thermometer  at 
110  degrees,  the  usual  temperature  of  this  climate, 
winter  and  summer.  Here  they  remained  to  have 
their  eyes  stung  out  by  musketoes  while  living,  and 
to  be  devoured  by  flies  when  dead.  I  shuddered  at 
the  scene,  and  turned  to  another  quarter,  in  hopes 
of  seeing  a  boxing  match,  or  some  polite,  refined  ex 
hibition  —  but  in  vain.  Such  is  the  celebrated  prome 
nade  of  the  Battery  at  New  York ;  such  the  Sunday 
amusements  of  enlightened  and  virtuous  democracy ! 
Nothing  could  equal  the  gross  and  vulgar  impiety  of 
their  conversation,  of  which  the  following  specimens 
will  furnish  an  illustration :  — 

No.  1.  —  "  Well,  neighbour,  how  d'ye  get  on  ?  " 

"  O,  by  degrees,  as  lawyers  go  to  heaven!" 

No.  2.  —  "  When  do  you  go  out  of  town  ?  " 

"  Why,  I  think  of  going  to-morrow,  God 
willing" 


260  JOHN  BULL  IN   AMERICA. 

No.  3.  —  "Bless  my  soul,  neighbour,  where   have 

you  sprung  from  ?  " 
"  Why,  Lord  love  you,  I  sprung  from  the 

clouds,  like  Methuselah  I  " 
No.  4.  —  "  Well,  friend,  how  does  the  good  woman 

to-day?" 
"  Why,  thank  you,  she  complains  of  being 

a  little  better!" 

Enough  of  this.  One's  blood  runs  cold  at  such 
impious  profanity.  Indeed,  the  people  are,  one  and 
all,  grossly  indelicate  and  impious  in  conversation,  as 
the  Quarterly  says.* 

To  vary  the  scene,  and  to  obliterate  in  some  degree 
the  painful  impressions  occasioned  by  the  groups  I 
have  attempted  to  describe,  I  strolled  into  the  play 
house,  which  is  always  open  on  Sundays,  from  ten  in 
the  morning  till  any  time  the  next  day.  But  I  only 
got  out  of  the  frying-pan  into  the  fire,  for  such  a  bear 
garden  never  Christian  man  unluckily  entered.  The 
theatref  is  nothing  more  than  a  barn,  abandoned  by 
the  owner  as  not  worth  being  rebuilt,  with  a  thatched 
roof,  and  stalls  for  a  good  number  of  cattle,  which 
are  now  converted  into  boxes  for  the  beau  monde. 
The  hay-mow  is  now  the  gallery,  and  the  rest  is  all 
boxes.  Shakspeare  being  considered  anti-republican, 
and  the  English  dramatists  being  generally  unpopular, 
the  exhibition  consisted  of  a  drama,  the  production 
of  a  first-rate  republican  genius.  The  plot  cannot  be 
unravelled  by  mortal' man;  but  the  catastrophe  con 
sisted  in  a  drinking-bout  between  some  three  or  four 

*  Vide  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed. 

[f  The  Park  theatre,  burnt  in  1820,  rebuilt  in  1821,  was,  about  this  time, 
in  the  full  tide  of  prosperity.] 


JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA.  261 

admirers,  for  the  possession  of  the  heroine.  It  is  to 
be  understood  that  there  is  no  sham  here.  All  is  real 
drinking ;  the  audience  will  endure  nothing  less,  and 
the  pleasure  consists  in  the  actors  all  getting  really 
and  substantially  drunk.  This  is  what  the  best  re 
publican  critics  call  copying  life  and  manners,  of 
which  the  aggregate  here  consists  in  drunkenness,  im 
piety,  and  debauchery.*  The  successful  hero,  who 
carried  off  the  lady,  swallowed  three  quarts  of  whis 
key,  the  only  liquor  considered  classical,  and  such  was 
the  delight  of  the  audience,  that  one  and  all  cried  out, 
"  Encore !  encore !  let  him  drink  three  more ! "  The 
hero,  however,  hiccoughed  an  apology,  hoping  the 
audience  would  excuse  the  repetition.  He  is  consid 
ered  the  Roscius  of  the  age,  and  thought  far  superior 
to  Kean,  or  Cooke,  though  the  latter  was  rather  a 
favourite,  on  account  of  his  once  having  paid  court  to 
the  national  taste,  by  performing  the  character  of  Cato, 
elegantly  drunk.  This  they  called  the  true  concep 
tion  of  the  part,  it  being  utterly  impossible  to  admit 
the  idea  of  a  sober  patriot  or  republican.  The  notion 
savours  of  aristocracy,  and  one  would  run  the  risk 
of  being  tarred  and  feathered,  by  suggesting  such  a 
heterodoxy  in  politics. 

It  is  one  of  the  most  unanswerable  proofs  of  that 
total  want  of  genius,  invention,  and  originality,  with 
which  these  people  have  been  justly  charged,  that  the 
plays  represented  at  this  theatre,  and  throughout  the 
whole  of  the  United  States,  are  entirely  of  British 
manufacture.  Were  it  not  for  Shakspeare,  Milton, 
Newton,  Locke,  Bacon,  Professor  Person,  and  a  few 
more  illustrious  English  dramatic  writers,  the  theatres 

*  Vide  Quarterly,  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed. 


262  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

in  this  country  could  not  exist.  Shakspeare's  Tom 
and  Jerry  is  played  over  and  over  again,  night  after 
night;  and  Bacon's  Abridgment  as  often,  if  not 
oftener.  Another  proof  is,  that  they  import  all  their 
actors  from  England,  it  being  a  singular  fact,  that, 
although  the  people  are  actually  drunk  two  thirds  of 
the  time,  in  their  poverty  of  intellect  they  cannot  play 
the  character  of  a  tippler  with  any  remote  resem 
blance  to  nature.  They  seem,  indeed,  destined  to  put 
all  old  maxims  to  rout,  and  among  the  rest  that  of 
"  Practice  makes  perfect ; "  since  none  are  so  fre 
quently  intoxicated,  and  yet  none  play  the  character 
with  so  little  discrimination. 

While  indulging  in  comparisons  connected  with 
the  superiority  of  Englishmen,  English  horses,  dogs, 
beer,  beef,  statesmen,  reviewers,  travellers,  poets,  pick 
pockets,  philanthropists,  tipplers,  and  tragedians,  over 
all  people,  and  more  especially  this  wretched  scum  of 
democracy,*  I  was  roused  by  a  sneeze,  which  went  to 
my  very  heart.  A  horrid  presentiment  came  over  me ; 
I  dared  not  look  in  that  direction,  but  remained  tor 
pid  and  inanimate,  till  I  saw  an  open  snuff-box, 
reached  over  from  behind,  slowly  approach  my  nose. 
'Twas  the  little  Frenchman,  with  his  mahogany  face, 
gold  ear-rings,  and  dimity  breeches  !  "  Ah !  monsieur 
—  monsieur — is  it  you?  I  am  so  happy!  Are  you 
going  to  New  Orleans  yet?  I  hope  monsieur  has 
not  been  robbed  or  murdered  above  once  or  twice, 
since  I  had  the  pleasure  to  part  from  his  agreeable 
company  ?  "  I  received  him,  as  usual,  with  a  look  of 
freezing  contempt;  but  this  had  no  effect  upon  the 
creature,  who  continued  to  chatter  away  and  bore  me 

*  Vide  Quarterly,  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  263 

with  his  confounded  snuff,  till  I  was  out  of  all  pa 
tience.  I  should,  most  certainly,  have  tweaked  his 
nose,  had  I  not  been  previously  warned  by  the  com 
municative  traveller,  that  he  was  a  professed  duellist, 
who  minded  dirking  a  man  no  more  than  a  genuine 
republican,  and  that  he  had  been  long  enough  in 
the  country  to  become  very  expert  in  gouging.  I 
could  have  got  him  killed  outright  for  ten  dollars,  that 
being  the  usual  rate  in  this  country;*  and  people 
jump  at  a  job  so  congenial  to  their  habits  and  feel 
ings.  Besides,  those  who  favour  the  profession  for  a 
livelihood  have  not  much  employment  at  present,  as 
almost  every  genuine  democrat  prefers  killing  for  him 
self.  But  upon  the  whole  I  concluded  to  let  the  fel 
low  off,  not  being  as  yet  sufficient  of  a  republican  to 
relish  the  killing  of  a  man,  either  in  person  or  by 
deputy. 

The  little  Frenchman  insisted  upon  knowing  where 
I  put  up,  no  doubt  with  a  view  of  consummating  his 
plan  of  robbing  me  ;  but  I  was  resolved  to  keep  that 
secret  to  myself.  The  more  shy  I  was,  the  more  curi 
ous  he  became,  so  that  I  had  no  other  way  of  escap 
ing  his  inquiries  than  leaving  the  box,  under  pretence 
of  getting  some  refreshment.  The  moment  I  got 
clear  of  him,  I  bolted  out  of  the  house,  and  made  the 
best  of  my  way  to  my  lodging.  Just  as  I  entered  the 
door,  however,  I  heard  the  well-known  sneeze,  and, 
glancing  round,  beheld  the  little  Frenchman  and  the 
communicative  traveller,  watching  me  from  the  oppo 
site  side  of  the  way.  The  thing  was  now  quite  plain ; 
no  one  could  mistake  their  object,  and  no  time  was  to 
be  lost.  I  determined  to  change  my  lodging  that  very 

*  Vide  Quarterly,  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed. 


264  JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA. 

night.  So,  calling  my  worthy  landlord  out  of  bed,  I 
paid  his  bill,  took  my  portmanteau  under  my  arm, 
and  proceeded  to  the  City  Hotel.  There  I  asked  for 
a  room  with  a  double  lock  to  it,  which  was  shown  me 
by  the  waiter,  who,  by  the  way,  looked  very  much 
like  a  bandit,  and  eyed  me  with  a  most  alarming 
expression  of  curiosity. 

"  Thank  heaven,"  said  I,  after  double-locking  the 
door,  "  I  think  I've  distanced  that  little  diabolical 
French  cut-throat  and  his  accomplice,  for  this  night, 
at  least."  Carefully  loading  my  pistols,  and  placing 
them  on  a  chair  at  the  bedside,  I  sat  down  to  refresh 
my  memory  with  the  58th  number  of  the  Quarterly. 
After  poring  over  the  disgusting  detail  of  the  goug- 
ings,  drinkings,  roastings,  and  impieties  of  republican 
ism,  till  my  blood  ran  cold  and  my  hair  stood  on  end,  I 
retired  to  bed.  Somehow  or  other  I  could  not  sleep. 
The  moment  I  attempted  to  close  my  eyes,  visions  of 
horror  arose,  and  my  imagination  teemed  with  the 
most  appalling,  vague,  and  indefinite  dangers,  that 
seemed  to  beset  me,  I  knew  not  where  or  how.  As  1 
lay  thus  under  the  influence  of  this  providential  rest 
lessness,  I  heard  in  the  next  room  that  appalling  and 
never-to-be-forgotten  sneeze,  which  never  failed  to 
announce  the  proximity  of  the  little  Frenchman.  I 
started  up,  seized  my  pistols,  and  stood  upon  the 
defensive,  determined  to  sell  my  life  as  dearly  as  pos 
sible.  Presently  some  one  tried  the  lock  of  my  door, 
and  I  was  just  on  the  point  of  firing,  when  I  heard  a 
voice,  saying,  "  This  is  not  the  room,  sir  —  you  sleep 
in  number  forty  "  ;  and  they  passed  onward. 

What  rendered  my  situation  the  more  critical  was 
the  circumstance  of  there  being  an  additional  door  to 


JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA.  265 

my  room,  communicating  with  that  of  the  French 
bandit,  which  I  had  not  observed  before.  Cautiously 
approaching  it  with  a  pistol  cocked  in  either  hand,  I 
found  it  locked  indeed,  but  words  cannot  describe  my 
sensations  when  I  discovered  the  key  was  on  the 
other  side.  However,  a  few  moments  restored  me  to 
the  courage  of  desperation,  and  I  ventured  to  peep 
through  the  key-hole,  when  I  saw  a  sight  that  froze 
my  blood.  The  little  Frenchman,  with  his  dark  ma 
hogany  aspect,  was  sitting  at  a  table  with  a  case, 
not  of  pistols,  but  of  razors,  one  of  which  he  was 
carefully  stropping.  Ever  and  anon,  as  he  tried  it 
upon  the  palm  of  his  hand,  he  observed  to  the  com 
municative  traveller :  "  Diable !  —  it  will  not  do  yet  — 
'tis  certainly  made  of  lead."  At  last,  however,  it 
seemed  to  satisfy  him,  and  he  exclaimed  with  diaboli 
cal  exultation,  "  Ah,  ha !  he  will  do  now  —  here  is  an 
edge  to  cut  off  a  man's  head  without  his  feeling  it." 
I  instinctively  drew  my  hand  across  my  neck  to  ascer 
tain  if  my  head  was  safe  on  my  shoulders,  and  at 
that  moment  heard  the  voice  of  the  communicative 
traveller :  —  "  Had  not  you  better  wait  till  to-morrow 
morning  ?  "  "  Diable,  no  —  we  shall  not  have  time  — 
now  or  never —  I  will  not  spare  a  single  hair  a  min 
ute  longer."  A  slight  movement  followed  this,  and 
the  little  Frenchman  observed  in  reply  to  something 
which  escaped  me  in  the  bustle  :  —  "  One  don't  want 
any  assistance  in  these  matters  —  I  can  do  it  very  well 
myself."  The  bloody-minded  villain!  thought  I;  he 
wants  to  have  all  the  pleasure  of  killing  me  to  him 
self.  Some  one  got  up,  moved  towards  the  door, 
tried  the  lock,  and  seemed  just  on  the  point  of  open 
ing  it,  when,  thinking  no  time  was  to  be  lost,  I  fired 


266  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

my  pistol  bang  against  the  door.  "  Diable ! "  ex 
claimed  the  little  Frenchman,  "  here  is  our  old  friend, 
Monsieur  John  Bull,  the  agreeable  gentleman,  come 
again.  Somebody  must  be  robbing  him,  beyond 
doubt.  Let  us  rescue  him  by  all  means."  They 
then  attempted  to  unlock  the  door,  under  pretence  of 
rescue,  but  I  cried  out  in  a  tone  of  deep  solemnity, 
"  Stand  off,  villains !  I  have  still  another  loaded  pistol, 
and  the  first  of  you  that  approaches  is  a  dead  man. 
Enter  at  your  peril ! "  By  this  time  the  whole  house 
was  in  an  uproar ;  the  lodgers  bundled  out  of  their 
rooms,  half  dressed;  the  servant  maids  ran  about, 
squeaking ;  and  several  ladies  fell  into  fits.  I  am  safe 
enough  for  the  present,  thought  I,  but  nevertheless 
there  is  nothing  like  being  prepared ;  so  I  held  fast  my 
loaded  pistol,  while  the  crowd,  which  at  length  col 
lected  at  my  door,  attracted  by  the  smell  of  the  pow 
der,  called  out  to  know  what  was  the  matter.  "  There 
has  been  an  attempt  to  rob  and  murder  me,"  answered 
I.  "  By  whom  ?  ",  inquired  the  voices.  "  By  a  Little 
mahogany-faced  Frenchman  and  a  communicative 
traveller,"  answered  I.  "  Monsieur  is  under  a  grand 
mistake,"  cried  the  little  Frenchman.  "  He  was  going 
to  cut  my  throat,"  cried  I.  "  I  was  going  to  cut  off 
my  beard,"  answered  the  little  Frenchman  —  upon 
which  the  pure  spirit  of  democracy  burst  out  into  a 
loud  laugh.  "  He  must  have  been  dreaming,"  said 
one.  "  He  has  had  the  nightmare,"  said  another. 
"  He  must  be  drunk,"  .cried  a  third.  "  He  must  be 
mad,"  cried  a  fourth.  "  By  no  means,"  cried  the  little 
Frenchman  — "  Monsieur  has  only  been  reading  the 
Quarterly  Review,  and  is  a  little  afraid  of  the  spirit 
of  democracy.  He  shall  shoot  him  one  day  with  a 


JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA.  267 

silver  bullet."  Hereupon  they  all  burst  into  a  hideous 
democratic  laugh,  which  is  ten  times  worse  than  a 
horse-laugh,  and  scampered  off  to  bed,  leaving  me  at 
the  mercy  of  the  two  bandits.  Such  is  the  protection 
afforded  a  stranger,  and  particularly  an  Englishman, 
in  this  bundling,  gouging,  dirking,  spitting,  chewing, 
swearing,  blaspheming  den  of  democracy.* 


CHAPTER  IX. 

Author  goes  to  the  police  —  Description  of  the  magistrate  —  Mistake  of  his 
worship  —  Examination  of  the  little  Frenchman  —  Author  quotes  the 
Quarterly — Mr.  Chichester  —  Dr.  Thornton  —  Frenchman  acquitted,  to 
the  great  delight  of  the  democrats,  who  all  like  the  French  —  Why  — 
Sympathy  in  favour  of  rogues  here,  and  reasons  for  it  —  Philippic  against 
democratic  judges,  magistrates,  lawyers,  and  democrats  in  general  — 
Moral  air  tainted,  according  to  the  Quarterly  —  Author  leaves  the  city  of 
abominations,  for  fear  of  becoming  a  rogue  by  the  force  of  universal  ex 
ample  —  Turbulent  spirit  of  democracy —  Quarterly  Review. 

THE  morning  succeeding  the  attempt  to  rob  and 
murder  me,  I  inquired  my  way  to  the  police-office, 
which  I  finally  discovered  at  a  cobbler's  stall,  in  one 
of  the  filthiest  streets  of  the  whole  city,  called  Patty 
pan  Lane.  I  found  his  worship  sitting  on  his  bench, 
in  a  leather  apron,  most  sedulously  occupied  in  mend 
ing  an  old  boot.  On  my  informing  him  I  had  busi 
ness,  he  looked  down  at  my  feet,  very  earnestly  — 
"  Hum !  Why,  your  boots  don't  seem  to  want  mending 
—  but  let  us  see."  So  he  seized  hold  of  one  of  them, 
and,  in  attempting  to  pull  it  off,  laid  me  sprawling  on 
the  floor.  He  then  fell  into  a  passion  with  my  boots, 

*  Vide  No.  58. 


268  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

and  swore  the  fellow  that  made  them  so  tight  ought 
to  be  "  dirked,"  the  usual  phrase  for  the  punishment 
of  slight  offences  among  these  humane  republicans. 

It  was  with  some  difficulty  I  made  him  understand 
my  business  was  not  with  the  cobbler,  but  the  magis 
trate.  "  Well,  go  on  with  your  information,"  replied 
he,  "  while  I  finish  my  job ;  I  can  take  a  stitch  while 
you  tell  your  story."  So  he  fell  to  work  lustily, 
while  I  proceeded  to  detail  the  events  of  the  last  night. 
When  I  had  done,  he  looked  at  me  for  a  moment,  and 
then,  with  the  true  gravity  and  demeanour  of  a  gen 
uine  republican  magistrate,  burst  into  a  horse-laugh, 
and  took  into  his  mouth  a  huge  quid  of  tobacco. 
"  And  you  are  positive  their  intention  was  to  rob  and 
murder  you  ?  ",  quoth  the  sage  Minos.  I  offered  to 
swear  to  it,  upon  which  he  handed  the  book,  and  ad 
ministered  the  oath.  "  Very  well,  we  must  send  for 
these  bloody-minded  villains,  and  see  what  they  have 
to  say  for  themselves.  A  little  Frenchman,  with  a 
mahogany  face,  gold  ear-rings,  and  dimity  breeches, 
say  you  ?  We  must  describe  the  villain,  as  you  don't 
know  his  name."  On  receiving  satisfaction  as  to  this 
point,  he  procured  a  warrant,  which  he  signed  with  a 
cross,  being  unable  to  write  his  name ;  desired  me  to 
witness  his  mark ;  and  sent  off  one  of  his  apprentices 
to  bring  the  offenders. 

In  a  few  minutes  he  returned  with  the  little 
Frenchman,  his  companion,  and  almost  all  the  lodgers 
at  the  City  Hotel,  landlord,  waiters,  and  all.  His 
worship  laid  down  his  awl,  and  the  examination 
began. 

"  What  is  your  name  ?  " 

"  Pierre  Francois  Louis  Maximilian  Joseph  Maria 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  269 

Gourgac  d'Espagnac  de  Gomperville,"  answered  the 
little  bandit. 

"  A  whole  band  of  robbers,  in  the  person  of  one  lit 
tle  Frenchman,"  observed  his  worship,  turning  to  his 
clerk,  and  directing  him  to  write  it  down.  The  clerk 
demurred  to  this,  as  to  write  it  was  quite  impossible. 

"  Well,  then,"  said  his  worship,  "  write  down  Hard 
name,  and  proceed.  Whence  came  you,  where  are 
you  going,  what  is  your  business,  and  how  came  you 
to  put  this  gentleman  in  bodily  fear  last  night  ?  " 

"  I  came,"  replied  the  bandit,  "  from  New  Orleans, 
which,  as  monsieur  knows,"  (making  me  a  low  bow), 
"  is  not  far  from  Portsmouth,  in  New  Hampshire.  I 
am  going  to  Charleston,  to  which  place  I  hope  to 
have  the  pleasure  of  monsieur's  company"  —  (making 
me  another  low  bow) ;  "  my  business,  it  seems,  is 
principally  to  rob  and  murder  monsieur  "  —  (another 
bow) ;  "  and  I  came  to  put  him  in  bodily  fear,  by  rea 
son  of  sharpening  my  razors  at  night,  which  I  gener 
ally  do  before  I  shave  myself"  —  making  me  another 
low  bow,  and  offering  his  box. 

"  Hum ! ",  quoth  his  worship,  eying  the  little  French 
man's  stiff  black  beard,  "  A  man  with  such  a  brush 
under  his  nose  might  reasonably  strop  his  razors  over 
night,  I  should  think,  without  being  suspected  of  any 
intent  but  to  cut  up  his  own  stubble  field.  But  what 
other  proofs  have  you  of  this  intent  to  rob  and 
murder,  hey?" 

"  My  own  conviction,"  answered  I. 

"  Ay,  but  a  man's  conviction  is  no  proof  of  guilt, 
except  it  be  a  conviction  by  judge  and  jury,"  an 
swered  the  learned  justice. 

"  The  word  of  a  gentleman." 


270  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

"  Pooh !  the  word  of  a  gentleman  is  no  better  than 
the  word  of  any  other  man.  Every  man  is  a  gentle 
man  in  this  free  country,"  replied  the  democratic 
Solon. 

"  Did  they  break  into  your  room  ?  " 

«  No  —  but  they  tried  the  lock." 

"Did  they  actually  offer  you  any  violence,  or  at 
tempt  to  cut  your  throat?" 

"  No  —  but  the  little  Frenchman  sharpened  his 
razors  at  me." 

"  Have  you  any  witnesses  to  prove  the  attempt  ?  " 

"  The  circumstances  are,  of  themselves,  sufficient ; 
besides,  they  have  followed  me  all  the  way  from 
Portsmouth,  and  this  is  not  the  first  time  the  little 
Frenchman  and  his  accomplices  have  made  the 
attempt. 

"  Followed  you ! "  quoth  Solon ;  "  travelling  in  the 
same  stages  and  steam-boats  and  putting  up  at 
the  same  houses  is  what  generally  happens  to  people 
travelling  the  same  route  —  this  is  no  proof  of  wicked 
intention." 

The  little  Frenchman  now  appealed  to  the  crowd 
of  City  Hotel  people,  who,  beyond  doubt,  were  all  his 
accomplices,  and  who  testified  that  he  had  been  there 
two  days  before  I  made  my  appearance,  which  the 
stupid  cobbler-justice  observed  was  proof  that  he  had 
not  followed  me,  at  the  same  time  hinting  to  the 
Frenchman  that  he  had  good  grounds  for  an  infor 
mation  against  me  for  following  Mm !  Finding  they 
were  all  in  league  together,  I  determined  to  over 
whelm  the  justice,  the  clerk,  the  witnesses,  and  the 
culprits,  by  one  single  irresistible  testimony.  I  took 
from  my  pocket  the  fifty-eighth  number  of  the  Quar- 


JOHN   BULL  IN  AMERICA.  271 

terly,  which  I  always  carry  about  me;  and,  turning  to 
page  three  hundred  and  fifty-seven,  read  in  an  audible 
voice  as  follows  :  —  * 

«  Mr.  Chichester  told  him,"  (Mr.  Faux),  "that  ten 
dollars  would  procure  the  life  and  blood  of  any  man 
in  this  country."  Mr.  Chichester  also  told  him,  that 
"  he  knew  a  party  of  whites,  who,  last  year,  roasted 
to  death  before  a  large  log  fire  one  of  their  friends, 
because  he  refused  to  drink."  f 

"  And  who  is  Mr.  Chichester  ?  "  said  the  ignoramus, 
who,  it  is  plain,  never  reads  the  Quarterly. 

"  Mr.  Chichester  is  a  polished,  gay,  interesting  gen 
tleman,  travelling  in  his  own  carriage  from  Kentucky 
to  Virginia,"  replied  I,  reading  from  the  Quarterly.  J 
Again,  sir,  "Judge  Waggoner,  who  is  a  notorious 
hog-stealer,  was  recently  accused,  while  sitting  on  the 
bench,  by  Major  Hooker,  the  hunter,  gouger,  whipper, 
and  nose-biter,  of  stealing  many  hogs,  and  being,  al 
though  a  judge,  the  greatest  rogue  in  the  United 
States."  §  Again,  sir,  we  read  from  this  same  un 
questionable  authority,  "  Doctor  Thornton,  ||  of  the 
post-office,  observed  to  him  that  this  city,  like  that  of 
ancient  Rome,  was  peopled  with  thieves  and  assassins, 
and  that  during  his  residence  in  it,  he  had  found  more 
villains  than  he  had  seen  in  all  the  world  besides." 

"  And  pray  who  is  Doctor  Thornton  —  is  he  in 
court?"  cried  this  pious  minister  of  justice. 

"  Doctor  Thornton,"  replied  I,  "  is  a  gentleman  of 
character  and  learning  —  he  has  invented  a  new 
alphabet." 

"  Diable ! "  interrupted  the  little  Frenchman  —  "  'tis 
not  the  only  thing  he  has  invented  I  believe." 

*  Vide  No.  58,  English  copy.  f  Ditto.  J  Ditto. 

§  Ditto.  ||  Ditto. 


272  JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA. 

I  continued,  without  noticing  the  interruption,  "  Dr. 
Thornton,  sir,  is  an  Englishman,  and  that  is  a  suffi 
cient  warrant  for  all  he  says.  I  know,  moreover,  from 
the  best  authority,  that  by  his  eloquence  he  prevented 
the  gallant  Cockburn  from  burning  the  capitol  and 
president's  house  during  the  late  war."  * 

"  Diable !  "  again  interrupted  the  little  Frenchman, 
"  am  I  to  be  convicted  of  murder  upon  the  testimony 
of  the  goose  whose  cackling  saved  the  capitol  ?  " 

"  But  what  do  you  intend  by  all  this  ?  ",  replied  his 
worship  petulantly,  and  casting  a  wishful  eye  at  the 
old  boot,  as  if  he  wanted  to  be  stitching  again. 

"  I  mean,  sir,"  replied  I  solemnly,  "  to  prove  by  this 
testimony,  that  as  ten  dollars  is  the  price  of  blood  in 
this  country,  that  as  Judge  Waggoner  is  a  notorious 
hog-stealer,  and  that,  as  Doctor  Thornton  affirms, 
your  cities  are  peopled  by  thieves  and  robbers  —  that 
in  such  a  country,  and  among  such  a  people,  the  mere 
sharpening  of  a  razor  at  such  an  unreasonable  hour 
is  presumptive  proof,  sufficient  to  hang  half  a  dozen 
Frenchmen  and  democrats." 

But  the  little  Frenchman,  who  had  by  this  time 
sent  and  suborned  the  president  of  a  bank  and  two  or 
three  directors,  his  accomplices  no  doubt,  offered  their 
testimony  to  prove  that  he  was  a  person  well  known 
to  them,  of  ample  means  and  unblemished  character, 
equally  above  the  temptation  as  the  suspicion  of  rob 
bery  or  murder.  Upon  this,  in  spite  of  my  own  testi 
mony  and  the  authority  of  the  Quarterly,  the  precious 
cobbling  justice  dismissed  my  complaint,  and  apprised 
the  little  Frenchman  that  he  might  recover  damages 

[*  The  Capitol  and  Presidential  mansion  were  burned  by  the  British, 
August  24th,  1814.] 


JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA.  273 

of  me  if  he  chose.  But  the  horrid  bandit  had  other 
objects  in  view ;  and,  after  receiving  the  congratula 
tions  of  all  present,  (for  these  people  adore  the  French 
only  because  they  take  a  little  pains  to  be  agreeable), 
turned  to  me  with  a  most  diabolical  smile,  made  me 
a  low  bow.  offered  his  box,  earnestly  hoped  he  should 
have  the  pleasure  of  my  agreeable  company  to  Charles 
ton,  and  assured  me,  upon  his  honour,  he  would  never 
attempt  to  cut  my  throat  again  since  he  was  born. 

From  this  specimen  of  the  mode  of  administering 
republican  justice,  and  of  the  character  of  the  judges, 
who  are,  for  the  most  part,  pig-stealers,  and  who  never 
read  the  Quarterly,  one  may  judge  of  the  chance  an 
Englishman  has  of  protection  or  redress.  Every  body 
is  in  league  against  him ;  it  is  sufficient  for  a  man  only 
to  be  accused  of  doing  wrong,  in  order  to  excite  the 
universal  sympathy  in  his  favour.  The  officers  of  the 
courts,  the  magistrates,  judges,  lawyers,  and  specta 
tors,  all  have  a  fellow-feeling  for  a  criminal,  having  all 
been,  or  expecting  soon  to  be,  in  a  similar  predica 
ment  ;  and  the  accuser  is  thrice  lucky,  if  he  does  not 
change  places  with  the  accused.  The  lawyers  who 
are  most  expert  in  snatching  murderers  from  the  gak 
lows  are  certain  to  be  made  magistrates,  and  the  most 
dexterous  pig-stealer  is  predestined  to  be  a  judge  of 
pig-stealers.  The  sheriff,  not  long  since,  was  obliged 
to  hang  his  own  nephew  for  the  murder  of  his  mother, 
who  was  the  sheriff's  sister,  as  these  virtuous  self- 
governing  republicans  thought  it  a  pity  to  hang  a 
man  for  such  a  trifle,  and  not  one  of  them  would 
tie  the  knot!  The  moral  air  is  putrid,  and  even  the 
most  honest  Englishman  cannot  breathe  it  without 
his  principles  being  tainted  with  the  plague  of  democ- 

18 


274  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

racy.  Feeling  this  to  be  actually  the  case  with  my 
self,  I  determined  to  change  the  air  as  soon  as  pos 
sible,  and  before  I  became  a  villain  outright;  and 
not  caring  to  go  back  again  to  the  hotel  to  meet  the 
banditti  and  their  accomplices,  I  desired  my  old  land 
lord,  the  gentleman  of  colour,  to  go  and  pay  for  my 
lodging,  and  bring  my  portmanteau  down  to  the 
steam-boat  just  then  departing  for  the  South.  I  em 
barked  in  her,  shaking  the  dust  off  my  feet,  as  I  left 
this  city  of  abominations,  in  which,  though  I  had 
staid  but  two  days,  I  had  seen  more  of  the  turbulent 
spirit  of  democracy  than  in  all  the  world  beside.  No 
wonder,  seeing  "  it  is  peopled  by  thieves  and  rob 
bers  ; "  and  the  Quarterly  affirms  it  to  be  the  place 
where  the  "  scum  of  all  the  earth"  *  is  collected. 


CHAPTER  X. 

Miraculous  escape  in  crossing  the  East  River  to  Jersey  —  Author  makes  his 
will  previously  —  Number  of  people  at  Communipaw  on  crutches  —  A 
fellow-traveller  tells  a  story  accounting  for  it  —  Manner  of  keeping  the 
Sabbath  —  Little  Frenchman  identified  —  Inhumanity  of  republicans  — 
Drunken  driver  —  Philosophical  reasons  why  republicans  must  naturally 
be  hard  drinkers  —  Apostrophe  in  praise  of  oriental  despotism  and  abject 
poverty. 

THE  steam-boat  in  which  I  embarked,  as  stated  in 
the  last  chapter,  conveyed  us  across  the  East  River  to 
the  Jersey  shore  without  bursting  her  boiler,  which 
was  considered  little  less  than  a  miracle,  as  there  is 
scarcely  a  day  passes  without  a  catastrophe  of  this 

*  Vide  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed. 


JOHN   BULL  IN  AMERICA.  275 

kind  which  is  fatal  to  a  dozen  or  twenty  persons. 
Yet  the  people  go  on  board  these  vessels  with  as  little 
hesitation  as  they  would  enter  their  own  doors.  In 
deed,  their  carelessness  of  their  own  lives  is  equal  to 
their  disregard  of  the  lives  of  others,  and  they  en 
counter  the  risk  of  being  scalded  to  death,  with  as 
little  concern  as  they  feel  in  dirking  an  intimate  friend, 
or  burning  him  on  a  pile  of  logs  for  not  drinking.* 
For  my  part,  I  took  the  precaution,  previous  to  my 
embarkation,  to  settle  my  affairs  and  make  my  will. 
It  proved,  however,  unnecessary  in  this  instance,  as 
we  were  safely  landed  in  the  city  of  Communipaw, 
the  capital  of  that  state. 

The  first  thing  that  struck  me  in  roaming  about 
here  waiting  for  the  stage,  (which  was  delayed  for  the 
purpose  of  giving  the  driver  time  to  get  drunk),  was 
the  vast  proportion  of  people  upon  crutches.  Almost 
every  person  I  met  had  lost  his  feet  and  a  part  of  his 
legs;  some  at  the  ancles,  some  at  the  calves,  and  a 
few  at  the  knee.  On  inquiring  of  a  person  who  was 
to  be  my  fellow-traveller  the  cause  of  this  singularity, 
he  gave  me  the  following  details,  than  which  nothingv 
can  more  brilliantly  illustrate  the  manner  in  which  the 
Sabbath  is  kept,  or  rather  profaned,  among  "these 
bundling,  gouging,  spitting,  swearing,  dirking,  drink 
ing,  blaspheming  republicans."  f 

"  You  must  know,  sir,"  said  my  informant,  "  that 
the  people  of  this  city  and  its  neighbourhood  are 
notorious  all  over  the  country  for  dancing.  Such 
is  their  fondness  for  the  amusement,  that  they  don't 
know  when  to  stop ;  and  if  it  happens  to  be  Saturday 
night,  they  are  pretty  sure  to  dance  till  daylight  on 

*  Vide  No.  58.  Eng.  Ed.  |  Ditto.  Eng.  Ed. 


276  JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA. 

Sunday  morning,  let  what  will  happen.  About  three 
years  ago  there  was  a  grand  ball  given,  at  which  the 
mayor,  aldermen,  and  all  the  fashionable  people  of 
the  town,  were  present.  Unluckily  it  happened  to  be 
Saturday  night,  and  the  company  continued  dancing 
till  the  clock  struck  twelve.  But  not  a  soul  heard  it, 
they  were  so  busy  in  shuffling  '  hoe  corn '  and  '  dig 
potatoes,'  and  if  they  had,  nobody  would  have  abated 
a  single  shuffle.  Just  as  the  clock  struck,  there  came 
in  a  little  dark  gentleman,  with  gold  ear-rings  and  a 
mahogany  face,  and  dressed  in  a  full  suit  of  black, 
except  that  he  wore  dimity  breeches." 

"  The  little  Frenchman,  by  Heaven !  "  exclaimed  I. 

"  You  shall  hear  anon,"  continued  he.  "  The  little 
dark  gentleman  cut  into  a  Scotch  reel  without  cere- 

O 

mony,  and  danced  with  such  extraordinary  vigour  and 
agility,  that  every  body  seemed  inspired.  The  young 
fellows  threw  off  their  coats  first,  then  their  waist 
coats,  and  there  is  no  knowing  how  much  farther  they 
might  have  proceeded  had  not  good  manners  prevent 
ed.  The  buxom  Dutch  girls  of  Communipaw  kicked 
up  their  heels,  and  gambolled  with  all  the  vivacity  of 
young  elephants ;  and  bundling  came  to  be  very  seri 
ously  contemplated.  But  it  would  have  done  your 
heart  good  to  see  the  fiddler,  a  gentleman  of  colour 
belonging  to  Squire  Van  Bommel,  who  gradually  got 
his  fiddle  locked  fast  between  his  breast  and  chin, 
where  he  wedged  it  up  with  both  knees,  while  his 
mouth  gradually  expanded  from  ear  to  ear,  as  he 

played  Yankee  Doodle  as  if  the  d 1  was  in  him. 

The  little  dark  gentleman  was  the  life  and  soul  of  the 
party ;  bowed  to  every  body,  danced  with  every  lady, 
complimented  every  body,  offered  his  box  to  every 
body,  took  snuff  with  every  body,  and  sneezed  —  " 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  277 

«O!  the  little  Frenchman,"  cried  I,  "I'll  bet  a 
hundred  pounds!" 

"  You  shall  hear,"  continued  my  companion.  "  All 
was  joy,  laughter,  capering,  singing,  bundling,  swear 
ing,  gouging,  dirking,  and  hilarity,  when  by  degrees 
the  young  damsels  and  lads  began  to  find  their  bare 
feet  coming  to  the  floor,  which  reminded  them  it  was 
time  to  stop  dancing.  But  it  was  too  late  now. 
There  was  a  spell  upon  them,  and  they  continued 
to  dance  away  by  an  irresistible  impulse,  til],  by  and 
by,  first  went  the  skin  off  the  soles  of  their  feet,  then 
the  feet  themselves.  Still  they  continued  dancing,  and 
the  shorter  their  legs  grew  the  higher  they  capered, 
and  the  faster  the  fiddler  played  Yankee  Doodle,  the 
dark  gentleman  vociferating  all  the  while,  in  concert  — 

'  Yankee  doodle  keep  it  up, 

Yankee  doodle  dandy ; 
Mind  the  music  and  the  step, 
And  with  the  gals*  be  handy.'  " 

"  But  how  did  it  happen,"  said  I,  "  that  the  dark 
gentleman,  alias  the  little  Frenchman,  did  not  lose  his 
feet  and  legs  too  ?  " 

"  I  have  not  yet  said  he  didn't,"  replied  my  com 
panion.  "  But  your  suggestion  is  correct.  He  kept 
capering  away  without  either  feet  or  legs  diminish 
ing,  any  more  than  if  they  had  been  of  steel.  But  no 
wonder,  as  you  will  find  in  the  sequel.  The  company 
continued  to  caper  and  jig  it,  till  the  legs  of  many 
were  entirely  danced  away,  and  it  has  been  asserted 
that  the  fiddler's  chin  was  more  than  half  gone.  Nay, 
there  have  been  those  who  do  not  scruple  to  affirm 
that  several  heads,  without  either  feet,  legs,  or  body  at 

*  This  shows  that  even  the  devils  don't  speak  good  English  among  these 
enlightened  republicans. 


278  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

all,  were  seen  cutting  pigeon-wings  and  taking  the 
partridge-run  with  all  the  alacrity  imaginable.  But 
touching  this  there  is  some  contrariety  of  opinion. 

"  Certain  it  is  that  the  dancing  continued  with  una 
bated  vigour,  the  little  dark  gentleman  still  setting  the 
example;  and  the  fiddler,  having  entirely  worn  out 
his  fiddle-strings,  was  sawing  away  tooth  and  nail 
upon  the  edge  of  his  fiddle.  And  here  I  must  remark 
a  most  extraordinary  circumstance,  which  is,  that  the 
longer  they  danced  the  shorter  they  grew,  by  reason 
of  their  wear  and  tear  of  feet,  legs,  &c.,  so  that,  be 
yond  all  doubt,  had  they  danced  much  longer  there 
would  have  been  nothing  left  of  them,  not  even  the 
hair  of  their  heads.  Luckily,  however,  an  old  one- 
eyed  rooster,  who  sat  upon  one  leg  on  a  pole  that  lay 
across  the  crotches  of  two  trees,  and  where  they  gen 
erally  hung  up  their  pigs  by  the  hind  legs  —  " 

"  What ! ,"  interrupted  I,  "  do  they  hang  pigs  in  this 
country  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  replied  my  companion,  with  a  sigh.  "  But 
the  less  we  say  about  that  the  better.  You  will  hardly 
believe  it,  but  they  hang  them  up  with  their  heads 
downward;"  and  thereupon  he  took  out  his  hand 
kerchief  and  wiped  his  eyes.  Well  may  you  blush 
and  weep  over  the  inhumanity  of  your  countrymen, 
thought  I.  The  Quarterly  shall  hear  of  this. 

"  But,"  resumed  my  companion  in  a  hurried  man 
ner,  as  if  anxious  to  direct  my  attention  from  this 
horrible  cruelty,  "  let  -us  go  back  to  the  old  rooster, 
who,  about  daylight,  clapped  his  wings,  and  crowed  so 
loud  that  you  might  have  heard  him  across  the  river. 
No  sooner  had  the  little  dark  gentleman  heard  the 
clapping  and  crowing,  than  he  made  one  bound  up 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA  279 

the  chimney,  without  making  his  bow  to  the  company, 
or  taking  leave  of  six  ladies  to  whom  he  had  engaged 
himself  to  be  married  the  next  morning.  He  was  heard 
to  sneeze  as  he  ascended  the  chimney,  which  there 
upon  burst  with  a  terrible  explosion  of  red-hot  bricks, 
which  flew  about  in  the  sky  like  great  fire-flies,  hiss 
ing  like  serpents.  This  was  succeeded  by  a  drizzle 
of  flowers  of  brimstone,  which  cured  all  the  people 
thereabouts  of  the  Scotch-fiddle.  The  fiddler  was 
found  two  days  afterwards,  with  his  head  buried  in  a 
salt-marsh  near  Communipaw  and  his  stumps  danc 
ing  in  the  air,  scraping  Yankee  Doodle  like  a  devil 
incarnate.  The  dancers  all  ran  home." 

"  What,"  said  I,  "  without  their  legs  —  how  could 
that  be?" 

"  I  can't  say,"  replied  he,  "  but  run  they  did  as  fast 
as  legs  could  carry  them,  although,  as  you  have  ocular 
demonstration,  they  must  have  done  it  without  legs. 
To  conclude,  the  doctors,  hearing  of  this  catastrophe, 
came  over  in  shoals  from  New  York,  thinking  they 
would  have  some  profitable  jobs ;  but,  to  their  great 
mortification,  found  all  the  stumps  perfectly  healed  by 
what  seemed  to  be  the  application  of  a  red-hot  iron, 
so  that  they  paid  their  ferriage  across  the  river  and 
ran  the  risk  of  the  bursting  of  the  boiler  for  nothing. 
It  is  observed  that  the  dancers  all  continue  to  smell 
of  brimstone  to  this  day.  Sometimes,  particularly 
during  storms  of  thunder  and  lightning  at  night,  the 
windows  of  the  house  in  which  the  dance  took  place 
look  as  if  the  whole  was  on  fire,  and  some  have 
said  they  saw  the  little  dark  gentleman  dancing  there 
surrounded  by  old  women  on  broomsticks.  This 
is  doubtful;  but  certain  it  is  that  the  old  one-eyed 


280  JOHN   BULL  IN   AMERICA. 

rooster  was  killed  the  following  Christmas  night  in  a 
battle  royal  between  the  Harsimusites  and  the  Hobo- 
kenites,  in  which  the  former  were  worsted." 

"  I  suppose,"  said  I,  "  this  cured  them  of  dancing 
on  Sunday  mornings." 

"  Not  in  the  least,"  replied  he.  "  These  very  people 
you  see  upon  crutches,  are  eternally  jigging  it  and 
frisking  their  tails.  You  shall  see." 

So  he  began  whistling  Yankee  Doodle,  and,  in  the 
space  of  five  minutes,  at  least  thirty  people,  without 
a  single  leg  among  them,  gathered  round  us,  dancing 
most  incontinently.  I  turned  in  disgust  from  this  in 
corrigible  race  of  impious  republicans,  whom  the  loss 
of  legs  cannot  restrain  from  a  breach  of  the  Sabbath, 
and  who  persevere  in  their  enormities  even  in  despite 
of  miracles,  as  the  Quarterly  says.  But  my  reflec 
tions  were  interrupted  by  the  arrival  of  the  stage,  the 
driver  being  at  length  "  prime  bang  up,"  that  is  to  say, 
as  drunk  as  a  lord. 

In  the  course  of  my  travels,  I  have  often  reflected 
on  the  causes  of  that  universal  and  inveterate  pro 
pensity  to  drunkenness  which  is  the  characteristic  of 
this  people,  and  the  result  is,  that  it  is  another  of  the 
delectable  offspring  of  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democ 
racy.  Nothing  is  more  certain  than  that  a  people  will 
be  restrained  in  proportion  to  the  restraints  under 
which  they  labour.  In  proportion  to  the  freedom 
they  enjoy  will  be  the  freedom  of  their  indulgences. 
It  is  only  by  taking  away  the  freedom  of  action,  and 
the  means  of  obtaining  these  indulgences,  that  you 
can  make  the  vulgar  either  tolerably  religious  or  de 
cently  moral.  The  right  of  self-government  is  another 
word  for  freedom  from  all  moral  and  religious  re- 


JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA.  281 

straints,  and  it  is  a  self-evident  deduction,  that  a 
man  who  don't  honour  the  king  will  seldom  fear  his 
Maker.  Again  —  the  consciousness  of  freedom  gene 
rates  among  the  vulgar,  (and  all  free  people  may  be 
called  vulgar),  a  certain  degree  of  impudence,  a  hardy 
confidence  which  carries  a  man  above  those  salutary 
restraints  which  the  opinion  and  influence  of  society 
impose  upon  mankind.  Lastly,  where  a  large  portion 
of  the  people  can  earn  a  superfluity  beyond  the  wants 
of  themselves  and  their  families,  they  will  be  almost 
certain  to  devote  their  substance  to  riot  and  debauch 
ery. 

It  is  thus  with  this  wretched  spawn  of  democracy. 
Boasting,  as  they  do,  of  the  right  of  making  their 
own  laws,  they  naturally  claim  and  exercise  the  right 
of  breaking  them  whenever  they  please.  Being  free 
from  the  salutary  restraints  of  European  and  Orien 
tal  despotism,  they  naturally  throw  off"  ah1  restraint ; 
having  more  money  than  is  necessary  to  supply  the 
wants  of  life,  they  naturally  grow  wasteful ;  and  feel 
ing  themselves  equal  to  any  and  every  man  they 
meet,  they  inevitably  become  insolent  and  intemperate. 
It  would  be  considered  proof  of  a  most  mean  and 
abject  spirit,  for  a  genuine  republican  to  show  his 
respect  for  any  society  whatever  by  behaving  with 
decency  and  keeping  himself  sober. 

Such  being  the  case,  happy,  thrice  happy,  are  those 
who  have  no  voice  in  making  the  laws,  for  they  wih1 
be  the  more  likely  to  obey  them.  Happy,  and  four 
times  happy,  are  they  who  never  taste  the  unhallow 
ed  cup  of  freedom,  for  they  will  not  be  ruined  by 
the  absence  of  all  restraints.  Happy,  and  six  times 
happy,  are  the  people  who  have  no  taste  of  that  fatal 


282  JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA. 

equality  which  generates  a  vulgar  confidence  that  dis 
dains  all  subserviency  to  rank,  dress,  and  equipage  — 
and  happy  above  all  happy  people,  are  those  who, 
being  stinted  in  the  means  of  procuring  even  the 
necessaries  of  life,  will  never  be  able  to  indulge  in 
enervating  pleasures,  or  the  excesses  of  intemperance. 


CHAPTER  XI. 

Infamous  roads  —  Infamous  stages  —  Infamous  stage-drivers — Republican 
mode  of  mending  roads  —  Englishmen  are  known  here  by  an  air  of  dis 
tinction —  Story  of  the  English  emigrant  to  English  Prairie  —  Sudden 
obscurity  of  the  atmosphere  —  Reason  of  it  —  Indian  summer,  its  real 
origin  —  Stage  starts,  and  leaves  the  author  behind  —  Insolence  of  the 
driver — Spirit  of  democracy  —  Miserable  effects  of  freedom  —  Universal 
stimulus  wanting  in  a  republic  —  Gross  and  impertinent  freedoms  in  re 
publicans. 

UNDER  the  protection  of  that  providence  which  is 
said  to  take  the  special  guardianship  of  drunken  stage 
drivers,  we  proceeded  on,  over  one  of  the  most  rocky, 
rutty,  and  infamous  roads  I  ever  travelled.  The  spirit 
of  democracy  disdains  to  pay  any  regard  to  the  laws 
for  mending  roads,  it  being  an  approved  maxim,  that 
the  best  way  to  mend  the  roads  is  to  let  them  mend 
themselves.  Yet,  notwithstanding  this,  there  are 
turnpike  gates  every  two  or  three  miles,  especially  in 
New  England  and  the  other  Southern  states,  where 
they  take  enormous  toll  of  aU  strangers,  particularly 
Englishmen,  who,  being  distinguished  by  a  certain  air 
of  nobility  which  causes  them  to  be  all  taken  for  mi 
lords  by  the  French  and  Italians,  are  easily  detected 
by  these  cunning  Yankees. 


JOHN  BULL  IN   AMERICA.  283 

Notwithstanding  the  situation  of  the  driver  and  the 
roughness  of  the  roads,  we  jolted  along  without  any 
accident,  and  rather  more  pleasantly  than  usual.  One 
of  ray  companions  turned  out  to  be  an  Englishman, 
which,  in  truth,  I  had  not  suspected  before,  though  I 
might  have  known  it  by  his  speaking  such  pure  Eng 
lish.  I  was  rather  inclined  to  be  shy  of  his  attentions ; 
but  the  moment  he  informed  me  he  was  a  native  of 
Yorkshire  my  suspicions  vanished,  for  an  Englishman 
may  be  trusted  all  the  world  over,  all  the  world  knows. 
By  degrees  we  became  sociable,  for  I  saw  he  was  a 
man  of  education  arid  discernment,  by  his  always 
addressing  me  as  my  lord.  One  inquiry  led  to 
another,  and  at  length  he  told  me  his  story,  which  I 
shall  set  down  word  for  word,  as  a  warning  to  my 
simple,  credulous  countrymen,  who  are  allured  to  this 
land  of  promise  by  the  modern  Moses  of  transatlantic 
speculation,  as  the  Quarterly  says. 

"  Hi  was  very  well  hoff  at  ome,"  said  he,  "  aving  a 
good  farm,  with  comfortable  hout-ouses,  and  plenty 
of  stock,  say  five  undred  Norfolk  sheep,  forty  or  fifty 
Bakewell  cows,  and  two  buUs  of  the  Tees-water  breed. 
But  someow  hor  hother,  Hi  went  beindand  every 
year.  The  rents  Hi  paid  to  keep  hup  the  dignity  of 
the  nobleman,  my  landlord  —  the  taxes  Hi  paid  to  sup 
port  the  splendours  of  the  king,  God  bless  him  —  th 
tithes  Hi  paid  for  supporting  the  established  church, 
without  which  hevery  body  knows  there  can  be  no 
religion  —  the  poor-rates  which  Hi  paid  to  keep  hup 
that  state  of  poverty  and  dependence  without  which 
no  people  can  be  virtuous  and  appy  —  hall  these  put 
together,  pulled  me  down  every  year  by  little  and 
little.  But  hall  these  were  has  nothing  compared  to 


284  JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA. 

certain  bother  matters.  The  cost  of  maintaining  Hold 
Hingland,  in  the  igh  latitude  of  the  bulwark  of  reli 
gion,  fell  ard  upon  me  —  then  hafter  that,  the  putting 
down  of  Bonaparte  and  securing  the  liberties  hof 
Heurope  fleeced  me  pretty  andsomely.  But  Hi  might 
ave  got  hover  these,  but  for  a  plentiful  arvest,  which 
coming  on  the  back  of  hall  the  rest,  stripped  me  of  the 
fruits  of  my  labours,  and  brought  me  pretty  deeply 
hin  debt. 

"  Habout  this  time,  Satan,  who  halways  his  hat  ha 
man's  helbows  hin  time  hof  distress,  threw  hin  my 
way  that  mischievous  radical  Birkbeck's  book  habout 
the  Hinglish  Prairie,  which  seduced  me  hinto  the 
hidear  of  selling  hoff  my  hall  and  hemigrating  to 
Hamerrykey." 

"  Did  you  ever  read  the  Quarterly  ?  "  said  I. 

"  Nay — but  Hi  have  hattended  the  Quarter- Sessions 
pretty  regularly  for  many  years  past,"  replied  he. 

"  Ah !  what  a  pity  —  what  a  pity,"  said  I  —  "if  you 
had  only  read  the  Quarterly,  you'd  never  have  come 
to  this  land  of  gouging,  dirking,  bundling,  and  guess- 

ing." 

"  Hi  guess  not,"  quoth  he,  and  went  on  with  his 
story. 

"  Hi  was  ha  saying,  that  Birkbeck's  book  fell  hin 
my  way,  hand  gave  such  ha  seducing  picture  of  the 
prairie,  that  Hi  sold  hoff  hall  the  stock  Hi  ad  saved 
from  the  landlord,  the  king,  the  church,  the  paupers, 
the  bulwark  of  religion,  the  securing  hof  the  liberties 
hof  Heurope,  hand  the  plentiful  arvest.  The  proceeds 
Hi  turned  into  guineas,  hand  quilted  them  into  the 
waistband  hof  my  breeches." 

I  shall  give  the  remainder  of  his  narrative  in  Yan- 


JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA.  285 

kee  English,  for  really  I  have  been  long  enough  here 
to  find  the  writing  of  pure  English  rather  awkward. 

"  I  embarked,"  continued  my  companion,  "  for  Bos 
ton,  which,  I  learned  from  a  gentleman  who  told  me 
he  superintended  the  geography  of  the  Quarterly 
Review,  was  close  by  English  Prairie.*  On  landing 
there,  which  I  did  without  being  shipwrecked,  al 
though  the  vessel  was  a  Yankee  and  the  captain  and 
crew  drunk  all  the  voyage,  the  first  thing  I  did  was  to 
ask  how  far  it  was  to  English  Prairie. —  I  was  in  a 
hurry,  and  wanted  to  get  there  before  night.  The 
landlord,  of  whom  I  inquired,  after  scratching  his  head 
some  time,  replied  :  — 

" '  English  Prairie  —  are  you  going  there  ?  ' ' 

"  Yes  —  I  expect  to  be  there  before  dark." 

" '  Do  you  ?  Why  then  I  guess  you  mean  to 
travel  in  a  balloon  —  don't  you  ? ' ' 

"  Dam'me,  sir,"  replied  I,  "  do  you  mean  to  hoax 
me?" 

"<  Hoax  — what's  that?'" 

"  I  say  quiz  me." 

"  '  Quiz  —  what's  that  ?  '  " 

"  I  say,"  replied  I,  "  can  you  tell  me  how  far  it  is  to 
English  Prairie  ?  " 

"<  Why,  if  you  really  wish  to  know — I  can't  say 
exactly,  for  I  never  was  there  —  but  I  should  guess  it 
can't  be  less  than  twelve  hundred  miles,  or  there 
abouts.'  " 

«  Twelve  hundred  d Is,"  cried  I. 

"  *  No,  not  devils,'  "  said  Jonathan,  "  ( but  miles ; 
and  devilish  long  miles,  I  reckon.' " 

[*  English  Prairie.  A  post  village  of  McHenry  County  Illinois,  60 
miles  N.W.  of  Chicago.  —  Am.  Gazetteer.] 


286  JOHN   BULL  IN   AMERICA. 

"  Looking  about,  I  saw  a  map  of  the  States,  which, 
by  the  way,  is  a  usual  thing  all  over  this  country,  the 
people  being  eternally  travelling  by  maps.  On  ex 
amination,  I  found,  to  my  utter  astonishment,  that 
brother  Jonathan  was  right.  I  might  as  well  have 
gone  to  English  Prairie  by  way  of  the  Cape  of  Good 
Hope,  as  of  Boston.  This  was  one  of  the  first  blessed 
effects  of  Birkbeck's  book.  On  referring  to  it,  I  found 
indeed  that  he  had  stated  the  distance  and  the  route ; 
but  it  had  escaped  my  notice,  confound  him. 

"However,  since  I  had  come  so  far,  I  thought  I 
would  not  go  back  with  a  flea  in  my  ear,  and  so  I  de 
termined  to  seek  the  distant  land  of  promise." 

"  What  a  pity  —  what  a  pity,"  interrupted  I,  "  you 
never  read  the  Quarterly." 

"  I  am  determined  to  read  nothing  else  from  this 
time  forward  —  at  least  if  I  can  procure  a  copy,"  re 
plied  he ;  upon  which  I  handed  him  the  English  copy 
of  the  fifty-eighth  number,  telling  him  it  was  heartily 
at  his  service  during  the  time  we  travelled  together. 
He  thanked  me,  called  me  my  lord  three  times,  and 
proceeded :  — 

"  It  would  be  tedious  to  give  an  account  of  the 
difficulties,  mortifications,  insults,  dangers,  and  scrapes 
I  encountered  in  my  journey.  I  was  four  times  rob 
bed  of  all  I  had  in  the  world.  I  was  six  times  gouged, 
eight  times  dirked,  and  several  times  roasted  at  a  log- 
fire,  before  I  arrived  at  English  Prairie.  By  the  bless 
ing  of  Providence,  however,  I  got  there  at  last,  and 
much  good  did  it  do  me.  My  first  disappointment,  in 
not  meeting  the  back  country  close  by  the  sea-shore, 
was  nothing  to  those  I  encountered  here.  Instead  of 
finding  the  backwoods  all  cleared  away,  comfortable 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  287 

houses,  barns,  fences,  hedges,  ditches,  school-houses, 
churches,  bishops,  noblemen,  and  kings,  I  found  a 
parcel  of  rude,  hard-working  men,  with  axes  on  one 
shoulder  and  guns  on  the  other.  The  first  thing  they 
told  me  was  to  cut  down  the  trees,  which  were  gener 
ally  about  the  size  of  a  hogshead.  I  laid  close  siege 
to  one  for  three  days,  and  found,  by  a  pretty  clear  de 
duction,  that  it  would  take  five  days  more  to  bring  it 
to  the  earth.  I  then  counted  the  trees  upon  my  plan 
tation,  and  calculated  that  if  I  lived  to  the  age  of 
Methusaleh  I  might  possibly  clear  a  place  big  enough 
for  a  potato  patch. 

"  My  next  inquiry  was,  as  to  how  they  procured 
their  food.  '  You  must  go  into  the  woods,'  said  a  fel 
low  in  a  hunting-shirt  and  moccasons, '  there  is  plenty 
of  deer  and  wild  turkeys.'  l  But  I  never  fired  a  gun 
in  my  life,'  answered  I.  '  Then  you're  a  gone  sucker,' 
cried  he,  at  the  same  time  gouging  out  one  of  my 
eyes,  I  suppose  to  qualify  me  to  take  aim  with  proper 
accuracy.  Not  being  able  to  cut  down  trees,  or  shoot 
deer  and  wild  turkeys,  I  was  in  a  fair  way  of  starving. 
I  resolved,  as  the  last  resort,  to  take  to  the  poor-house. 
But,  in  this  barbarous  place,  there  was  no  poor-house 
to  be  found.  I  then  applied  to  my  good  neighbour 
who  had  favoured  me  by  gouging  out  one  eye,  for  a 
piece  of  venison.  He  gave  me  a  saddle  and  a  wild 
turkey,  saying,  at  the  same  time,  in  the  most  unfeeling 
manner,  <  Every  body  works  here,  friend,  and  every 
man  provides  for  himself.  Don't  come  again  begging. 
You're  chopping  on  the  wrong  log.'  Whereupon  he 
gouged  out  another  eye.  Shortly  after,  he  came  to 
invite  me  to  a  barbecue,  as  it  is  called,  which  is  a  sort 
of  feast,  where  they  generaUy  serve  up  a  baked  Indian 


288  JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA. 

or  two,  whom  they  have  hunted  and  shot  in  the  course 
of  the  morning,  I  expressed  my  abhorrence  of  this 
cannibal  feast,  and  declined  going,  upon  which  he 
gouged  out  another  eye,  and  swore  he'd  not  leave  a 
single  eye  in  my  head  if  I  didn't  go.  Thinking  it 
better  to  eat  Indians  than  be  blind,  I  signified  my  con 
sent,  and  accompanied  this  hospitable  person. 

"  It  would  be  impossible  to  describe  this  feast. 
Suffice  it  to  say,  that  it  ended  in  a  scene  of  drunken 
ness  and  bloodshed,  that  was  enough  to  sicken  a 
pirate  or  a  republican.  The  conclusion  was,  that 
every  soul  present  was  either  murdered  or  left  insen 
sible  on  the  ground  —  after  which  they  threw  me 
upon  a  log-fire,  and  burnt  me  to  a  cinder,  because  I 
wouldn't  drink  '  Confusion  to  the  Holy  Alliance.'  My 
misfortunes  did  not  end  here.  In  one  night  they  robbed 
me  of  twenty  or  thirty  pigs,  it  being  their  maxim 
that  it  is  more  convenient  to  steal  than  buy,  which 
constitutes  the  quintessence  of  republican  ethics,*  as 
the  Quarterly  says.  I  was  on  my  way  to  the  judge, 
to  complain  of  this  theft,  when  I  met  my  gouging 
friend,  to  whom  I  related  my  misfortune.  He  burst 
into  a  horse-laugh,  which  resolved  itself  into  a  yell, 
and  tapered  off  with  the  Indian  war-whoop.  When 
he  had  done,  he  solemnly  assured  me  that  my  pigs 
were  now  in  the  judge's  pen ;  that  his  honour  was  the 
most  noted  pig-stealer  in  the  place,  and  had  been 
elevated  to  the  bench  solely  on  that  account,  it  being 
shrewdly  suspected  that  he  would  from  a  fellow  feel 
ing  let  off  all  the  pig-stealers,  who  constitute  the 
majority  of  the  people.  'It  is  of  no  use,'  said  he,  'to 
go  to  the  judge.  Your  only  remedy  is  to  try  and  steal 

*  Vide  No.  68.  Eng.  ed. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  289 

somebody  else's  pigs.  If  you  can  rob  the  judge,  you 
will  get  his  place  to  a  certainty.'  I  expressed  an  ab 
horrence  of  this  mode  of  righting  myself;  upon  which 
he  swore  I  had  reflected  upon  the  native  character, 
and  gouged  out  one  of  my  eyes. 

"  Soon  after,  it  was  buzzed  about  that  I  had  been 
on  the  point  of  appealing  to  the  laws  for  redress,  and 
moreover  demurred  to  the  Indian  law  of  retaliation, 
the  only  law  in  force  at  English  Prairie.  For  these 
heinous  offences,  I  was  informed  privately  by  a  wor 
thy  English  settler  who  had  been  like  me  seduced  by 
Mr.  Birkbeck,  that  they  had  hired  a  man  to  dirk  me 
for  ten  dollars,  the  usual  price  of  blood  in  this  coun 
try,  as  Mr.  Chichester  says.*  Thinking  it  high  time 
to  take  care  of  myself,  I  sold  my  land  at  less  than 
half  price  to  the  worthy  English  settler,  and  made  off, 
with  all  the  speed  in  my  power,  for  a  civilized  Chris 
tian  land.  I  had  almost  forgot  to  tell  you,  that,  just 
on  the  skirt  of  the  Prairie,  I  met  a  party  of  ladies 
belonging  to  the  settlement,  who  roasted  me  alive  at 
a  log-fire.  It  was  a  mercy  that  I  escaped." 

"  Pray,"  said  I,  when  he  had  finished,  "  do  they  ever 
read  the  Quarterly  at  English  Prairie  ?  " 

"  The  Quarterly !  Lord  bless  you  —  they  read  noth 
ing  but  Tom  Paine.  I  never  saw  any  other  book  in 
all  the  Western  country." 

"  Not  read  the  Quarterly!"  exclaimed  I — "  Ah,  that 
accounts  for  their  barbarity." 

We  now  entered  a  dense,  smoky,  drizzling  atmos 
phere,  which  succeeded  so  suddenly  to  a  bright  cloud 
less  day,  that  we  did  not  know  what  to  make  of  it. 
As  we  proceeded,  the  density  and  drizzling  increased, 

*  Vide  No.  58.  Eng.  ed. 
19 


290  JOHN  BULL  IN   AMERICA. 

so  that  it  became  impassible  to  distinguish  the  road, 
which,  however,  was  of  the  less  consequence,  as  our 
driver  had  been  for  some  time  nodding  on  his  seat, 
fast  asleep.  Suddenly  the  horses  stopped  of  them 
selves,  at  what  (after  a  considerable  degree  of  peering 
about)  I  discovered  to  be  a  house,  on  the  long  piazza 
of  which  were  seated  an  immense  number  of  fat  fel 
lows  with  broad-brimmed  hats,  smoking  and  spitting 
in  the  true  republican  style,  that  is  to  say,  in  their 
neighbours'  faces.*  This  circumstance  accounted  for 
the  smoky  and  drizzling  atmosphere,  which  extended 
upward  of  three  miles  in  circumference,  and  obscured 
the  entire  city,  which  was  called  Communipaw.  Such 
is  the  extent  of  this  practice  of  smoking  tobacco,  that, 
at  a  certain  period  of  the  year,  during  the  autumn, 
when  the  people  of  the  country  have  finished  gather 
ing  in  the  products  of  their  fields,  and  their  leisure 
time  comes,  they  commence  a  smoking  festival,  in 
which  every  man,  woman,  and  child  partakes.  This 
festival  lasts  five  or  six  weeks,  during  which  time  the 
atmosphere  throughout  the  whole  country  becomes  so 
hazy  and  obscure  that  they  are  obliged  to  burn  can 
dles  all  day,  and  a  perpetual  drizzling  prevails,  owing 
to  the  unseemly  habit  of  spitting,  which  all  our  Eng 
lish  travellers  have  heretofore  noticed  among  these 
immaculate  republicans.  This  season  is  called  the 
Indian  summer,  and  the  people  pretend  to  ascribe  it 
to  the  Indian  custom  of  burning  the  long  grass  of  the 
immense  prairies  in  the  West.  But  the  above,  I  can 
assure  my  readers,  is  the  true  solution. 

Being  resolved  not  to  sit  stih1  in  the  stage  and  be 
spitten  to  death,  (for  all  the  stages  here  are  without 

*  Vide  Quarterly. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  291 

covering,  for  the  convenience  of  letting  in  the  rain),  I 
jumped  out  and  sheltered  myself  under  a  neighbour 
ing  shed.  By  and  by  I  heard  the  driver  calling  for 
his  passengers,  but  I  was  determined  not  to  be  hur 
ried,  and  took  no  notice  of  his  insolence.  Presently 
I  heard  the  cracking  of  the  whip  and  the  rumbling 
of  the  wheels,  when  I  thought  to  myself  I  had  better 
condescend  to  call,  and  stop  him.  Accordingly  I  sal 
lied  forth  in  the  fog  and  drizzle,  calling  out  to  stop  as 
loud  as  I  could  bawl,  and  running  every  now  and  then 
against  a  long  pipe,  invisible  in  the  obscurity.  The 
sound  of  the  wheels  served  as  a  sort  of  guide  through 
the  Cimmerian  shades ;  but,  as  ill  luck  would  have  it, 
just  as  I  came  up  with  the  stage,  which  I  afterwards 
discovered  had  been  stopped  at  the  pressing  instance 
of  my  companion,  I  unfortunately  fell  into  a  ditch  by 
the  roadside,  where  I  was  grievously  annoyed  by  a 
concert  of  frogs,  which,  mistaking  me,  I  suppose,  for 
King  Log,  jumped  upon  me,  and  sung  with  true  re 
publican  melody. 

"  You  democratic  rascal,"  cried  I  to  the  driver, 
"  what  business  had  you  to  go  off  without  me  ?  " 

"  Why,"  replied  the  impudent  scoundrel,  "  I  thought 
you  had  gone  off  without  me.  I  hallooed  tih1  my 
throat  was  so  dry  that  I  was  obliged  to  call  for  a  pint 
of  whiskey  to  whet  my  whistle." 

"  But  why  didn't  you  stop,  when  I  called  ?  " 

"  Why,"  replied  the  villain,  "  it  was  so  foggy  I 
couldn't  see  which  way  the  sound  came  from." 

Upon  this  I  was  going  to  thrash  him  soundly  for 
his  insolence,  when  my  companion  advised  me  not  to 
attempt  it.  Said  he,  '  ten  to  one  you  will  lose  both 
eyes  and  the  better  part  of  your  nose,  for  this  fellow 


292  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

has  exactly  the  look  of  a  first-rate  gouger.'  I  there 
upon  determined  to  put  up  with  the  affair,  considering 
it  a  portion  of  that  series  of  imposition,  impudence, 
rudeness,  and  barbarity,  which  constitutes  the  basis 
of  the  republican  character.* 

It  is  in  truth  impossible  to  be  in  this  country  a  day, 
without  being  thoroughly  convinced  of  the  fact,  that 
the  possession  of  freedom  necessarily  brings  with  it 
an  overwhelming  mass  of  ignorance,  corruption,  and 
barbarity.f  This  position  is  supported  by  the  history 
of  the  world  and  the  example  of  all  nations.  The 
republics  of  Greece  were  little  better  than  nests  of 
barbarous  libertines,  as  is  proved  by  the  licentious 
freedoms  which  Terence,  and  other  comic  writers, 
took  with  persons  in  authority  at  Athens  ;  —  also,  by 
their  banishment  of  Grotius,  perhaps  their  most  illus 
trious  citizen.  Their  whole  claim  to  learning  con 
sisted  in  being  able  to  talk  Greek;  and  as  to  theii 
excellence  in  the  mechanical  arts,  such  as  sculpture 
and  painting,  they  are  far  exceUed  by  the  manufac 
turers  of  Birmingham  and  Sheffield,  in  skill,  and  by 
the  pot-bakers  of  Staffordshire,  in  the  art  of  painting 
And  how  can  it  be  otherwise,  since  it  is  morally  im 
possible  it  should  be  otherwise,  in  all  free  states. 

The  great  and  universal  stimulus  to  excellence  of 
every  kind  is  a  desire  to  please  those  above  us.  To 
the  applauses  of  our  equals  we  are  indifferent,  and  the 
admiration  of  our  inferiors  only  excites  our  contempt 
A  conquering  general,  followed  by  thousands  of  peo 
ple  shouting  at  his  heels,  throwing  up  their  caps,  and 
giving  way  to  all  the  extravagances  of  vulgar  enthu 
siasm,  surveys  the  vile  crowd  with  disdain,  and  sighs 

*  Vide  Quarterly,  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed.  f  Ditto. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  293 

for  the  glorious  privilege  of  being  permitted  to  kneel 
at  the  footstool  of  his  most  august  and  gracious  sov 
ereign,  and  to  kiss  his  hand.  What  is  the  applause 
and  admiration  of  a  whole  people,  compared  to  being 
made  a  Knight  Companion  of  Bath,  and  called  Sir  ? 
This  noble  desire  to  please  the  great,  is  founded  on 
the  conviction  that  they  alone  are  worth  pleasing,  be 
cause  they  only  have  the  power  of  rewarding.  It  is 
by  their  approbation  and  influence  alone  that  merit 
can  hope  to  attain  to  its  reward,  in  the  possession  of 
titles,  the  only  object  of  honourable  ambition,  and  of 
wealth,  the  sole  means  of  rational  enjoyment. 

But  where  there  is  no  distinction  of  rank  and  all 
men  are  equal,  the  universal  stimulus  is  wanting. 
There  is  nobody  to  please  worth  pleasing,  because 
there  are  no  kings,  nor  nobility,  whose  smile  alone  con 
fers  distinction;  and  there  is  nothing  worth  tasking 
our  genius  to  attain,  because  there  are  neither  titles, 
ribbons,  nor  pensions.  Hence  arises  the  lamentable 
lack  of  illustrious  men  in  ancient  as  well  as  modern 
republics,  and  the  deplorable  contrast  they  exhibit 
when  compared  with  the  splendours  of  Sesostris, 
Xerxes,  Alaric,  and  Prince  Esterhazy  in  his  diamond 
coat.  It  is  unnecessary  to  multiply  examples  to  prove 
that  the  human  mind  can  never  attain  to  its  highest 
elevation  in  a  republic,  and  that  as  the  United  States 
never  have  produced,  so  it  is  probable  they  never  will 
produce,  a  truly  great  man,  until  their  government 
has  titles,  pensions,  and  ribbons  to  bestow. 

The  same  causes  lie  at  the  root  of  that  coarseness, 
rudeness,  and  forwardness  of  manner,  for  which  these 
immaculate  republicans  (as  the  Quarterly  says*)  are 

*  Vide  Quarterly,  No.  58,  Eng.  ed. 


294  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

so  infamously  distinguished  All  the  regulations  of 
polite  life,  and  all  refinements  of  manners,  are  the 
result  of  imitation;  and  people  never  think  of  imi 
tating  their  equals,  much  less  their  inferiors.  Now, 
nothing  can  be  clearer  than  that  where  all  are  equal, 
as  in  this  immaculate  republic,  there  can  be  nobody 
to  be  imitated,  and  consequently  no  refinement  of 
manners,  and  no  judicious  perception  of  what  is  due 
to  themselves  or  to  others.  People  unacquainted  with 
the  divine  majesty  of  a  king,  the  splendours  of  his 
nobility,  and  the  wealth  of  his  bishops,  cannot  pos 
sibly  have  any  proper  idea  of  the  dignity  of  human 
nature.  Having  no  standard  among  them,  it  is  plain 
they  must  degenerate  into  barbarism,  merely  for  want 
of  a  proper  example.  That  awe  which  seizes  the  mind 
in  the  presence  of  a  king,  runs  through  all  the  grada 
tions  of  life.  In  the  presence  of  a  nobleman,  it  be 
comes  a  due  respect  for  rank  —  in  that  of  a  bishop,  a 
proper  sense  of  religion  —  and  finally,  by  degrees,  it 
settles  down  into  that  refined  sentiment  of  politeness, 
which  proportions  its  attentions  to  the  dress,  equipage, 
and  general  appearance  of  wealth,  which  a  man  ex 
hibits  to  the  world. 

Here,  on  the  contrary,  where  the  vulgar  system  of 
equality  extends  to  all  classes,  there  exists  a  certain 
low  jealousy  of  the  pretensions  of  every  man  who 
carries  any  appearance  of  superiority  or  holds  himself 
aloof  from  the  crowd.  If  he  does  not  sit  at  table 
with  tag,  rag,  and  bobtail,  and  condescend  to  sleep 
three  in  a  bed  with  any  body  the  landlord  pleases  to 
select  for  his  companions,  he  may  reckon  himself  for 
tunate  in  escaping  without  the  loss  of  an  eye  and 
a  piece  of  his  nose.  An  instance  of  this  barbarous 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  295 

antipathy  to  broad-cloth  coats,  which  I  omitted  to 
notice  at  the  time,  occurred  in  the  steam-boat,  coming 
from  Boston.  I  was  dressed  in  a  blue  frock  of  Shep 
herd's  best  regent's-cloth,  handsomely  embroidered, 
and  every  thing  else  in  the  first  London  style,  and  was 
leaning  over  the  side  railing,  when  I  felt  some  one 
almost  touch  my  elbow.  On  turning  round,  I  saw  a 
fellow  in  a  gray  suit  of  domestic  manufacture,  a  half- 
worn  hat  that  smacked  of  the  last  century,  and  shoes 
with  soles  at  least  an  inch  thick.  If  the  truth  were 
known,  I  verily  believe  he  wore  hob-nails  in  them.  I 
gave  him  a  look  which  would  have  sent  a  peasant,  in 
any  civilized  country,  about  his  business  in  a  hurry. 
But  the  creature  remained  hanging  over  the  railing, 
close  at  my  elbow,  and,  on  our  passing  a  fir-built 
vessel  with  a  bit  of  striped  bunting  at  her  mast-head, 
had  the  impudence  to  speak  to  me.  "  That,  I  believe, 
is  Old  Ironsides,"  said  he.  I  looked  at  him  with  a 
vacant  stare,  and  said  nothing.  "  I  was  saying," 
resumed  the  homespun  creature,  "that  ship  is  the 
United  States  frigate  Constitution.  What  a  fine  old 
ship ! "  —  and  then  his  eyes  sparkled  most  intolerably. 
I  looked  at  him  with  my  quizzing-glass,  dropped  my 
under  lip,  and  turned  on  my  heel,  without  taking  any 
further  notice  of  him  or  Old  Ironsides,  and  walked  to 
another  part  of  the  boat.  In  about  half  a  minute  he 
followed  me. 

"  Pray,  sir,"  said  he,  "  have  you  the  misfortune  to  be 
deaf?"  No  answer. 

"  Are  you  dumb,  sir  ?  "  No  answer,  but  a  persever 
ing  glare  through  the  quizzing-glass. 

"  If  you  can  neither  speak  nor  hear,  may  be  you 
can  feel,"  said  the  turbulent  spawn  of  democracy, 


296  JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA. 

raising  his  fist,  which  was  luckily  arrested  by  the 
little  Frenchman,  who,  I  suppose,  was  resolved  that 
nobody  should  murder  me  but  himself.  "  Diable !  " 
cried  the  little  man,  "  what  is  the  matter  —  what  has 
Monsieur  John  Bull  done,  that  you  will  knock  him 
down,  eh  ?  "  A  Frenchman,  somehow  or  other,  can 
do  any  thing  with  barbarians.  The  homespun  mon 
ster  dropped  his  huge  paw,  and  resumed  a  perfect 
good  humour. 

"  I  am  wrong,"  said  he,  "  because  he  is  a  stranger  I 
perceive.  Had  he  been  one  of  my  own  countrymen, 
I  would  have  licked  him  for  his  ill  manners." 

"  Why,  what  did  monsieur  do  ? "  asked  the  little 
Frenchman. 

"  I  spoke  to  him  twice,  and  he  would  not  answer 
me.  It  is  the  duty  of  every  gentleman  to  answer 
a  civil  question.  He  was  a  stranger  and  alone,  and  I 
thought  I  would  speak  to  him." 

"  Diable ! "  said  the  little  man,  "  don't  you  know 
this  is  the  great  Monsieur  John  Bull,  the  bulwark  of 
religion,  the  grand  restorer  of  the  liberties  of  Europe, 
who  gained  the  battle  of  Waterloo  all  by  himself,  and 
who  is  the  most  learned,  polite,  and  refined  gentleman, 
in  the  whole  world  ?  Eh  bien  —  it  is  lucky  he  did  not 
look  you  stone  dead.  Don't  you  see  his  coat  cost 
ten  times  as  much  as  yours  ?  Diable !  it  was  great 
courage  to  speak  to  him  once,  much  more  twice." 

Here  all  the  company  burst  into  a  coarse  republican 
laugh,  I  could  never  tell  at  what,  and  the  homespun 
monster  departed  with  something  on  his  tongue  which 
sounded  very  much  like  "  a  dumbfounded  potato." 
From  this  little  anecdote  the  reader  may  form  some 
faint  idea  of  the  gross  freedom  which  pervades  the 


JOHN   BULL  IN  AMERICA.  297 

manners  of  these  republicans,  who  pay  no  more  re 
spect  to  regent's-cloth,  than  they  would  to  the  regent 
himself. 


CHAPTER  XII. 

Miserable  country  —  People  astonished  to  hear  him  talk  English  —  Arrive  at 
an  inn  —  Six  or  seven  dead  justices  lying  in  the  court-yard  —  None  of 
the  Americans  speak  or  write  English  —  Filial  piety  and  parental  affec 
tion  among  genuine  republicans  —  Mint-juleps  —  Barbarous  indifference 
to  life  in  republics  —  Pig-stealing  —  Conversation  with  the  emigrant  — 
Broiling  a  republican  —  Republicans  great  snorers  —  Dr.  Thornton's  rea 
sons  for  it  —  Night  scene  —  Is  robbed  —  Landlord's  ethics  —  Apostrophe 
to  liberty  —  Phenomenon  of  emigration  explained  —  Anxiety  of  repub 
lican  damsels  to  attract  Englishmen  —  Pulling  caps  —  Meets  an  old  ac 
quaintance. 

AFTER  travelling  all  day  over  rough  roads,  and 
through  a  dreary,  barren  wilderness,  which  is,  how 
ever,  considered  one  of  the  best-peopled  and  best-cul 
tivated  parts  of  the  country,  and  where  every  body 
was  astonished  to  hear  me  speak  English,  we  arrived 
late  in  the  evening  at  Louisville,  the  capital  of  the 
state  of  Tennessee.  In  walking  up  from  the  stage 
coach  to  the  inn,  I  stumbled  over  something,  and  what 
was  my  horror  at  discovering  a  dead  body  weltering 
in  blood !  A  little  way  further  on,  I  stumbled  over 
another,  and  in  this  way  encountered  six  or  seven,  in 
less  than  the  space  of  thirty  yards.  Inquiring  the 
cause  of  their  deaths,  and  the  reason  of  their  exposure 
in  this  manner,  the  landlord  seemed  at  a  loss  to  under 
stand  me  for  a  few  minutes,  which  I  ascribed  to  my 
speaking  pure  English.  After  a  little  reflection,  how 
ever,  he  seemed  to  recollect  himself. 


298  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

"  O  —  ay  —  yes — I  recollect  —  we  had  a  blow-out 
here  last  Sunday,  and  half  a  dozen  troublesome  fel 
lows,  they  call  justices,  were  done  for  by  the  brave 
rowdies*  They  won't  interrupt  sport  again,  I  guess." 

I  turned  sick  at  the  barbarous  indifference  of  this 
immaculate  republican,  and  asked  him  why  they  suf 
fered  these  bodies  to  remain  thus  without  burial.  "  O, 
we  let  them  lie  there  as  a  warning  to  our  meddle 
some  magistrates  how  they  disturb  the  amusements 
of  gentlemen.  We  were  just  roasting  a  John  Bull  for 
not  drinking  his  allowance  of  whiskey,  when  these 
gentry  thought  proper  to  interfere,  but  we  soon  did 
their  business."  I  may  as  well  remark  here,  once  for 
all,  that  if  I  make  these  republicans  talk  good  Eng 
lish  in  my  journal,  it  is  only  because  it  is  utterly  im 
possible  to  reduce  their  jargon  to  writing,  and,  if  it 
were,  no  civilized  reader  could  possibly  understand 
it.  There  is  not  a  being  living,  who  is  a  native  of  the 
States,  that  can  talk  or  write  English. 

I  designed  to  question  mine  host  still  further  on  this 
matter,  but  just  at  the  moment  there  was  a  great  up 
roar  in  an  adjoining  room,  accompanied  by  cries  of 
murder,  upon  which  he  hurried  away  "to  see  the 
sport,"  as  he  was  pleased  to  term  it.  This  sport,  as 
I  afterwards  learned,  consisted  in  an  attempt  by  a 
promising  young  republican  of  about  seventeen  to 
gouge  his  father,  who  had  refused  to  call  for  another 
mint-julep.  My  companion,  who  happened  to  look 
in,  undertook  to  interpose,  but  narrowly  escaped  losing 
one  of  his  eyes,  if  not  both,  by  the  hands  of  the  old 
gentleman,  (every  body  is  a  gentleman  here),  who 
caned  him  for  his  impertinent  interference,  patting  the 

*  Vide  Quarterly. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  299 

promising  youth  on  the  head,  and  swearing  he  would 
turn  out  a  true  republican.  Not  content  with  a  single 
julep,  he  called  for  a  whole  gallon,  and  they  both  got 
lovingly  drunk  together.  Such,  indeed,  is  the  rage  for 
mint-juleps  here,  that  nobody  will  buy  a  farm  at  any 
price  unless  it  produces  plenty  of  mint. 

Reflecting  on  the  barbarous  indifference  to  life 
which  characterizes  these  republicans,*  I  did  not  know 
but  they  might  take  it  into  their  heads  to  kill  me,  and 
therefore  proposed  to  my  companion,  the  worthy  emi 
grant,  that  we  should  sleep  in  the  same  room  that 
night,  for  mutual  comfort  and  protection.  He  seemed 
delighted  with  the  proposal,  and  we  accordingly,  after 
supper,  adjourned  to  a  double-bedded  room,  the  door 
of  which  we  locked,  my  friend  putting  the  key  into 
his  pocket  for  safety.  He  then  took  out  the  fifty- 
eighth  number  of  the  Quarterly,  and  began  to  read 
the  review  of  Faux's  celebrated  tour  in  America, 
which  he  said  he  could  almost  swear  he  had  written 
himself,  so  exactly  did  it  tally  with  his  own  observa 
tion  and  experience. 

"  And  do  the  judges  actually  steal  pigs?",  inquired 
I.  "  Pigs ! ",  answered  my  friend,  "  ay,  and  every  thing 
else  they  can  lay  their  hands  on.  It  is  a  common 
thing  for  them  to  summon  a  man  before  them,  in 
order  to  insure  his  absence  from  home,  that  they  may 
have  an  opportunity  of  robbing  his  pig-sty  without 
interruption."  f 

"  And  they  take  bribes,  too,  I  suppose  ?  " 

"  You  may  say  that,"  replied  he.  "  There  is  not  a 
judge  in  the  whole  country  that  can  resist  a  pig  or 
two.  But  it  is  seldom  so  high  a  bribe  is  offered,  ex- 

*  Vide  Quarterly.  t  Vide  Quarterly. 


300  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

cept  when  a  man  wants  to  be  acquitted  of  two  or 
three  murders.  The  most  common  douceur  is  a  paper 
of  pins,  and  for  this  you  may  get  a  decision  which 
will  entitle  you  to  a  thousand  or  two  acres  of  the 
best  land  in  the  world.  You  will  have  to  kill  half  a 
dozen  squatters  in  order  to  get  possession,  but  this  is 
considered  a  mere  trifle." 

"  And  were  you  not  jesting,  when  you  talked  about 
their  burning  people  on  a  log-fire  when  they  refuse  to 
drink  ?  " 

"  Not  in  the  least,"  said  he ;  "I  solemnly  assure 
you  that  nothing  is  more  common  than  such  a  frolic. 
I  knew  several  instances  of  fathers  serving  their  own 
children,  and  boys  their  own  fathers,  in  this  manner, 
during  my  stay  at  English  Prairie ;  and  it  is  certain 
the  custom  is  common  in  all  the  states." 

Just  at  this  instant  a  most  poignant  smell  per 
vaded  our  room,  like  that  which  accompanies  the 
broiling  of  a  rasher  of  bacon  on  the  coals.  My  friend 
snuffed  up  the  savoury  aroma,  and  exclaimed, 

"  There !  —  they  are  at  it  now,  I'll  bet  a  thousand 
pounds.  They're  broiling  some  poor  fellow,  to  a  cer 
tainty."  * 

«'Tis  bacon,"  said  I. 

"  'Tis  a  man,"  said  he.  "  I  can  swear  to  the  smell. 
I've  had  too  much  experience  to  be  mistaken."  And 
thereupon  he  began  reading  the  fifty-eighth  number 
of  the  Quarterly  again,  with  tears  in  his  eyes. 

It  now  waxed  late  in  the  night.  The  smell  of  the 
broiled  republican  subsided,  the  uproar  of  the  inn 
gradually  died  away,  and  nothing  was  heard  save  the 
owl,  the  whippoor-will,  the  bull-frog,  the  wolf,  the 

*  Vide  Quarterly. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  301 

watch-dog,  and  the  sonorous  tuning  of  many  a  vocal 
nose  chaunting  sweet  hallelujahs  to  the  pure  spirit  of 
democracy.  The  Americans  are,  in  truth,  the  greatest 
snorers  in  the  world,  which  is  doubtless  owing  to  their 
all  sleeping  with  their  mouths  wide  open.  I  was  puz 
zled  to  account  for  this  habit,  until  Dr.  Thornton  after 
wards  assured  me  they  slept  with  their  mouths  wide 
open  for  the  convenience  of  swallowing  a  mint-julep, 
which  was  always  poured  down  their  throats  before 
they  awoke  in  the  morning,  to  keep  them  from  getting 
the  intermitting  fever.  Late  as  it  was,  I  felt  no  in 
clination  to  sleep.  I  looked  out  of  the  window,  and 
by  the  light  of  the  moon  could  distinguish  the  bodies 
of  the  unfortunate  magistrates,  their  pale  faces  turned 
upwards,  and  their  white  teeth  shining  in  the  silvery 
ray.  Presently  I  saw  a  man  cautiously  stealing  along 
towards  the  piggery,  which  is  always  in  one  corner 
of  the  kitchen  for  the  sake  of  security.  He  disap 
peared  through  the  kitchen  window ;  in  a  few  moments 
a  musket  was  fired,  and  I  heard  no  more  of  the  mat 
ter.  The  next  morning  all  was  explained.  It  was  a 
neighbouring  judge,  who,  feeling  an  inclination  for 
one  of  mine  host's  fat  porkers,  invaded  his  pig-sty 
that  night.  But,  to  use  the  landlord's  choice  phrase, 
"  he  got  his  bitters,"  —  that  is  to  say,  he  was  shot 
through  the  head  by  mine  host  who  was  on  the  watch, 
and  I  saw  his  body  lying  with  the  rest  the  next  day. 

Still  sleep  fled  from  my  eyes,  "  the  innocent  sleep," 
for  it  could  not  exist  amid  these  republican  horrors. 
My  companion  grew  more  and  more  ardent  in  his 
persuasions  for  me  to  go  to  bed.  "  We  will  take  turns 
to  watch,  and  I  will  begin.  Have  you  any  arms  ?  — 
give  them  to  me."  I  handed  him  my  pistols,  and  at 


302  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

length  overcome  by  his  persuasions  went  to  bed.  It 
was  long  ere  I  could  compose  myself  to  rest;  but 
finally  the  fatigues  of  the  day  by  degrees  overpowered 
my  apprehensions,  and  1  fell  asleep.  How  long  I 
slept  I  know  not,  but  I  was  disturbed  by  something 
rummaging  under  my  pillow,  where  I  had  placed  my 
watch  and  pocket-book.  The  lights  were  all  out,  and  I 
could  see  nothing ;  but,  thinking  the  little  Frenchman 
was  certainly  come  again,  I  called  out  "  Murder ! ",  as 
loud  as  I  could,  and  thereupon  heard  the  door  open, 
and  somebody  run  off  down  the  passage,  as  fast  as  pos 
sible.  Presently  mine  host,  and  several  other  persons, 
came  into  the  room  with  lights,  and  inquired  what 
was  the  matter. 

"  There  has  been  an  attempt  to  rob  and  murder 
me,"  replied  T. 

"  Well,  what  of  that?  "  replied  mine  host.  «  You 
need  not  have  made  such  an  infernal  uproar,  and  dis 
turbed  the  whole  house  about  nothing." 

"  Nothing !  —  do  you  call  robbing  and  murdering  a 
man,  nothing  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  replied  he,  "  just  next  to  nothing.  I  have 
known  a  dozen  people  robbed  and  murdered  in  this 
house,  with  less  noise  than  the  stirring  of  a  mouse. 
But  let  us  see  if  you  have  lost  any  thing." 

On  examination,  I  found  my  watch  and  pocket- 
book,  which  I  had  placed  under  my  pillow,  safe;  but 
my  pockets  were  rifled,  and  my  pistols  missing,  toge 
ther  with  the  fifty-eighth  number  of  the  Quarterly. 

"  But  where  is  your  companion  ?  "  asked  some  one. 
"  Far  enough  from  hence  by  this  time,  I'll  warrant 
you,"  said  mine  host. 

«  What  d'ye  mean  by  that?"  said  I. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  303 

"  I  mean  that  he  has  got  your  purse  and  pistols,  and 
you  won't  see  him  again  in  a  hurry.  The  moment 
he  came  into  the  house  last  night,  I  knew  him  for  the 
English  swindler  who  broke  jail  last  spring." 

"  And  why  didn't  you  tell  me  he  was  a  swindler?  ", 
said  I  indignantly. 

"  Why,  to  say  the  truth,  I  took  you  for  another. 
Such  pointers  generally  hunt  in  couples.  Besides, 
there  is  so  little  difference,  among  us  genuine  repub 
licans,  between  an  honest  man  and  a  swindler,  that 
the  distinction  is  not  worth  pointing  out." 

"  I  shall  go  to  the  justice  and  lay  an  information," 
said  I. 

"  You  needn't  give  yourself  the  trouble,"  replied 
mine  host  carelessly ;  "  there  was  but  one  justice  left 
in  all  this  county,  and  him  I  shot  last  night  for  mak 
ing  free  with  my  pig-sty." 

"  O,  liberty!",  ejaculated  I,  in  the  bitterness  of  my 
heart,  "thou  art  but  a  name  —  or  rather  thou  art  a 
name  for  all  that  degrades  and  disgraces  human  na 
ture.  Well  may  the  Quarterly  "  —  Here  my  soliloquy 
was  cut  short  by  the  blowing  of  the  driver's  tin  trum 
pet,  the  signal  for  departure,  and  what  further  I  would 
have  said  must  remain  a  secret  to  posterity  for  ever. 

The  disappointed  emigrant  from  English  Prairie 
did  not  make  his  appearance,  and  I  pursued  my  jour 
ney,  wrapt  in  solitary  reflections.  Insensibly  I  fell 
into  a  train  of  thought  which  led  to  an  inquiry  into 
the  extraordinary  paradox,  that  a  country  like  this, 
destitute  of  every  virtue,  and  devoid  of  every  attrac 
tion  under  heaven,*  should  thus  have  imposed  upon 
the  whole  world,  (except  the  Quarterly  Reviewers), 

*  Vide  Quarterly. 


304  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

and  lured  from  all  parts  of  Christendom  crowds  of 
emigrants,  who,  tired  as  it  would  seem,  of  the  calm 
and  happy  security  of  legitimate  governments,  have 
sought  misery  and  disappointment  in  these  barbarous 
wilds.  But  mankind,  thought  I,  have  ever  been  the 
dupes  of  boastful  pretension  and  arrogant  assump 
tions  of  superiority.  The  credulity  of  ignorance  is 
unbounded:  and  when  we  revert  to  the  belief  even 
of  sages  and  philosophers ;  the  errors  of  Galileo  and 
Copernicus,  with  regard  to  the  great  system  of  the 
universe ;  the  blunders  of  Newton  ;  and  the  follies  of 
Philopoemen ;  it  were  hardly  just  to  blame  the  errors 
of  the  common  people.  It  is,  therefore,  excusable  in 
the  peasantry  of  distant  countries,  that  they  should  be 
thus  seduced  by  thousands  to  leave  their  homes,  by 
the  impudent  falsehoods  every  day  palmed  upon  them 
by  Mr.  Birkbeck  and  other  retailers  of  radical  trash. 

But  there  is  one  thing  which  puzzled  me  at  first. 
Notwithstanding  the  disappointments  of  these  poor 
people,  their  being  gouged,  dirked,  roasted,  and  pil 
laged  of  their  porkers  by  the  judges ;  their  being  regu 
lated  and  rowdied,  and  obliged  to  cut  down  trees  as 
big  round  as  a  hogshead  —  notwithstanding  there  is 
neither  law,  gospel,  decency,  nor  morality  in  the  whole 
country,  and  that  no  honest  person  can  possibly  live 
in  it  —  notwithstanding  that  every  emigrant,  without 
exception,*  is  sighing,  ready  to  break  his  heart,  to  get 
home  —  notwithstanding  all  this,  I  say,  it  is  a  remark 
able  fact,  that  not  one  in  a  thousand  ever  goes  home 
again!  They  actually  seem  to  be  fascinated  to  the 
spot  by  the  charm  of  misery  and  despair,  like  the  bird 
which  flies  into  the  jaws  of  the  rattlesnake,  in  pure 

*  Vide  No.  58,  Eng.  ed. 


JOHN   BULL  IN   AMERICA.  305 

horror  of  his  detestable  rattles  and  poisonous  tooth. 
Nay,  some  of  them  even  contaminate  the  pure  Cock 
ney  blood  of  Englishmen,  of  which  the  old  giants 
were  so  excessively  fond,*  by  mixing  it  with  that  of 
the  "guessing,  gouging,  bundling  damsels"  of  this 
abominable  democracy.  Not  content  with  flirting  with 
them,  they  actually  marry  them,  that  is,  when  they 
are  very  rich,  which  indeed  is  some  extenuation.  But, 
in  justice  to  these  unfortunate  men,  I  must  acknowl 
edge  that  such  are  the  pains  taken  by  these  republican 
damsels  to  attract  and  entrap  our  countrymen,  that  it 
is  a  miracle  that  any  one  escapes.  I  happened  to  go 
into  a  shop,  not  long  since,  to  buy  a  laced  cap  on 
speculation,  for  which  the  man  asked  nearly  twice  as 
much  as  when  I  looked  at  it  some  time  before.  On 
my  complaining  of  this,  he  replied  — 

"  O,  sir,  the  price  of  laced  caps  has  risen  a  hundred 
per  cent,  lately." 

"  From  what  cause  ?  "  said  I. 

"  Why,  sir,  the  truth  is,  that  Major  Tightbody,  the 
tall,  handsome  Englishman,  has  lately  arrived,  and  the 
young  ladies  have  been  pulling  caps  for  him  at  such 
a  rate,  that  it  is  computed  upwards  of  five  hundred 
have  been  more  or  less  torn  to  pieces  in  consequence. 
Judging  from  your  appearance,  sir,"  continued  he,, 
bowing,  "  I  should  not  be  surprised  if  you  had  been 
accessory  to  the  destruction  of  a  few."  Whereupon 
I  bought  his  cap  without  further  hesitation. 

But  to  return  to  the  main  point :  —  the  pertinacity 
with  which  these  poor  deluded  emigrants  persist  in 

*  "  Fee,  faw,  fum, 

I  smell  the  blood  of  Englishmen ; 
Dead  or  alive  I  will  have  some." 

Jack  and  his  bean-stalk. 
20 


306  JOHN  BULL  IN   AMERICA. 

remaining  in  this  miserable,  degraded,  debauched,  de- 
istical  country,  convinces  me  that  people  may  actually 
be  persuaded  out  of  their  five  senses.  This  is  the 
only  way  of  explaining  the  phenomenon ;  for  it  is  im 
possible,  by  any  other  hypothesis  to  account  for  their 
continuing  to  suffer  in  this  dog's  misery,  when  they 
can  be  sent  home  free  of  expense,  provided  they  will 
only  make  affidavit  on  their  arrival  that  there  is 
neither  food,  raiment,  religion,  law,  nor  honesty, 
among  these  republicans.  As  an  illustration  of  this 
unaccountable  attachment  to  misery,  I  will  relate  an 
incident  that  occurred  to  me  in  Philadelphia.  In 
strolling  about  one  morning,  whom  should  I  meet  but 
the  unfortunate,  deluded,  and  seduced  emigrant  I  had 
picked  out  of  the  gutter  in  New  York  and  procured  a 
free  passage  for  to  England.  The  fellow  was,  as  usual, 
pretty  handsomely  "  corned,"  as  my  friend,  the  com 
municative  traveller,  has  it.  On  expressing  my  sur 
prise  at  his  being  still  here  in  this  miserable  country, 
he  hiccoughed  out  — 

"  Why,  please  your  honour,  I  considered  better  of 

it  afterwards ;  for,  says  I,  '  this  is  a  d d  miserable 

country  to  be  sure,  but  then  Old  England  is  rather 
worse,  and  a  prudent  man  will  always  stick  to  the  les 
ser  evil,  my  hearty. ' "  «  Go  to  the ,"  said  I.  "  I'm 

going  to  the  tavern,"  quoth  he ;  and  staggered  over  to 
the  sign  of  some  famous  Yankee  general  —  I  believe 
they  call  him  Washington. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  307 


CHAPTER 


Author  congratulates  himself  on  being  alone  in  the  stage  —  Detestable  socia 
bility  of  republicans  —  Turbulent  spirit  of  democracy  —  Driver  a  free 
holder  —  Sunday  sports  among  republicans  —  Republican  mode  of  driving 
into  a  place  in  style  —  Republican  students  —  Republican  courage  —  Re 
publican  law  to  encourage  learning  —  Republican  impiety  —  Republican 
bargain  between  a  republican  professor  of  divinity  and  a  republican  old 
widow  —  Republican  lies  —  Republican  students  —  Republican  frolic  — 
Republican  mode  of  paying  tavern-bills  —  Arrival  at  Philadelphia  —  Story 
of  Ramsbottom  —  Liberty  the  root  of  all  evil,  &c. 

I  FOUND  myself  alone  in  the  stage  this  morning, 
greatly  to  my  satisfaction.  Nothing,  indeed,  is  so 
annoying  to  a  well-bred  Englishman  as  being  in  com 
pany  with  half  a  dozen  of  these  immaculate  republi 
cans,  who  think,  because  they  pay  the  same  fare,  they 
have  a  right  to  talk  with  any  of  their  fellow-passen 
gers  without  ceremony.  They  have,  in  truth,  a  most 
detestable  sociability  about  them,  which  obtrudes  it 
self  upon  every  body,  and  pays  no  more  respect  to  a 
stranger  in  a  fashionable  coat,  than  to  an  old  ac 
quaintance  in  rags.  They  stand  as  erect  in  the  pres 
ence  of  a  great  man  as  in  that  of  a  little  one,  and  I 
verily  believe  if  the  king  were  to  come  among  them, 
they  would  use  no  more  ceremony  in  asking  him 
questions,  than  if  he  were  a  pig-stealing  judge.  This 
insolent  familiarity  is  another  of  the  precious  products 
of  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democracy,  which,  by  incul 
cating  the  absurd  doctrine  of  equality,  destroys  that 
salutary  deference  to  wealth  and  splendour,  without 
which  it  is  scarcely  worth  a  man's  while  to  be  either 
rich  or  splendid.  It  sickens  me  to  see  a  fellow  in 
a  threadbare  coat  and  tattered  wool-hat  making  up 


308  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

to  a  gentleman,  with  his  head  erect  and  his  hat  on  the 
top  of  it,  and  asking  him  a  question  without  the  least 
stammering  or  hesitation,  as  you  will  see  done  every 
day  in  this  bear-garden  of  democracy.  The  pleasure 
I  felt  in  being  alone  was,  notwithstanding,  somewhat 
alloyed  by  the  idea  of  travelling  unarmed  in  this 
region  of  banditti,  and  without  any  companion  to 
assist  me  in  case  of  an  attack.  But,  when  I  came  to 
recollect  that  considerably  more  than  three  fourths  of 
the  people  of  this  puissant  republic  were  themselves 
rogues  and  banditti,  I  comforted  myself  with  the  as 
surance  that  if  I  had  any  fellow-passengers,  it  would 
be  at  least  three  to  one  in  favour  of  their  robbing  me 
themselves,  rather  than  protecting  me  from  others. 

I  soon  found,  however,  that  I  was  reckoning  with 
out  my  host,  in  supposing  I  should  be  rid  of  the 
annoyance  of  talking.  The  driver  turned  out  a  most 
sociable  fellow,  and  seemed  to  think  it  incumbent 
upon  him  to  entertain  his  solitary  passenger.  He 
took  occasion  to  inform  me  that  one  of  the  houses 
we  passed  belonged  to  no  less  a  person  than  himself ; 
that  he  was  sole  proprietor  of  one  hundred  acres  of 
land ;  and  that  he  was  only  driving  the  stage  on  this 
occasion  in  consequence  of  an  accident  that  happened 
to  the  person  who  usually  officiated.  I  thought  it  best 
to  humour  the  fellow,  having  been  assured  by  an  inti 
mate  friend,  (one  of  the  writers  of  the  Quarterly),  that 
if  the  stage-drivers  of  this  country  got  displeased  with 
their  passengers,  they  always  took  the  first  opportunity, 
in  passing  a  bad  piece  of  road,  to  upset  the  carriage 
and  break  some  of  their  bones.  As  to  the  risk  they 
themselves  run  on  these  occasions,  they  think  nothing 
of  it,  being  at  all  times  perfectly  willing  to  endanger 


JOHN  BULL   IN   AMERICA.  309 

their  own  necks  for  the  pleasure  of  revenging  an 
affront.  For  this  reason  all  travellers  in  this  country, 
who  wish  to  escape  with  whole  bones,  make  a  point 
of  being  agreeable  to  the  stage-drivers  and  treating 
them  to  whiskey  at  every  tavern.  This  is  the  only 
way  they  can  travel  with  any  remote  chance  of  safety. 

Such  being  the  case,  I  was  resolved  to  humour  the 
fellow,  and  be  affable ;  so  I  asked  what  the  accident 
was  which  procured  me  the  honour  of  being  driven 
by  a  republican  landholder. 

"  O,  a  mere  trifle,"  replied  he  — "  he  happened  to 
get  both  eyes  gouged  out  yesterday  in  a  frolic." 

"  Frolic !  "  said  I  —  "do  they  frolic  here  on  Sun 
days?" 

"  To  be  sure  they  do ;  it's  an  idle  day,  and  what 
else  should  they  do  —  you  wouldn't  have  them  work, 
would  you  ?  " 

"  Why,  no ;  but  then  they  might  go  to  church,  you 
know." 

"  Church!  —  what's  that?  O,  now  I  recollect.  I 
saw  a  church  once  in  Nova  Scotia ;  but  we've  none  in 
these  parts,  so  it  would  be  rather  a  long  Sabbath-day's 
journey  to  find  one." 

"  Well,  but  they  might  stay  at  home  and  read  the 
Bible,  or  some  other  good  book ;  or  they  might  at  least 
say  their  prayers." 

"  Read ! "  quoth  Jehu  —  "  why,  d n  me  if  I  don't 

believe  you're  of  our  bloody  aristocrats !  No,  no ;  we 
love  liberty  too  well  to  oblige  our  children  to  go  to 
school,  and  they  love  it  too  well  to  go  if  we  sent  them. 
Nobody  can  read  here  but  your  emigrant  foreigners, 
and  that's  the  reason  we  don't  allow  them  to  vote  or 
hold  offices." 


310  JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA. 

A  precious  admission,  thought  I ;  the  Quarterly 
shall  know  this.  "  But  what  becomes  of  your  children 
while  they  are  growing  up,  and  before  they  are  put  to 
a  trade  or  can  work  in  the  fields  ?  " 

"  O,  they  are  left  pretty  much  to  themselves,  to 
learn  the  habits  of  freemen.  They  play  in  the  road, 
and  amuse  themselves  with  frightening  horses  as  they 
go  by.  Or  they  worry  the  puppies  and  kittens  for 
amusement,  when  there  are  no  little  niggers  to  set  the 
dogs  at.  Their  principal  business,  however,  is  to  learn 
to  chew  tobacco,  spit  against  the  wind,  drink  whiskey, 
and  beat  their  mothers  for  a  frolic." 

A  hopeful  bringing  up,  thought  I.  "  But  is  it  possi 
ble  that  you  have  neither  churches,  preachers,  school 
masters,  nor  Bibles,  among  you  ?  " 

"  Not  a  son  of  a  b h  of  them,"  replied  he.    "We 

want  nothing  here,  and,  of  course,  there  is  no  neces 
sity  for  praying,  nor  for  parsons  and  churches.  For 
your  school-masters,  they  only  serve  to  break  down 
the  spirit  of  liberty  by  whipping  the  boys ;  and  for 
the  book  you  mention,  I  think  I  did  see  one  once 
somewhere  or  other,  I  believe  in  Nova  Scotia." 

"  But  what  do  you  do,  then,  on  Sundays  ?  " 

"  O,  we  don't  want  for  amusement.  We  spend  it 
in  drinking,  dirking,  gouging,  pig-stealing,  swearing, 
guessing,  bundling,  and  other  pleasant  recreations.* 
But  we  begin  to  tire  of  these,  as  you  know  people 
will  after  a  while,  and  besides,  there  are  hardly  any 
peepers  left  in  the  whole  country,  and  the  sport  of 
gouging  begins  to  fail.  My  driver  and  myself  were 
the  only  two  left  in  forty  miles  round  with  a  pair  of 
eyes  a  piece,  and  he  lost  both  his,  yesterday,  as  I  told 
you.  I  expect  mine  will  go  next." 
*  Vide  No.  58,  Eng.  ed. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  311 

"  This  is  quite  melancholy,"  said  I.  "  What  will 
you  do  when  there  are  no  eyes  to  be  gouged  out  ? 
You  will  have  to  sit  down  like  another  Alexander, 
and  weep  that  there  are  no  more  worlds  to  conquer." 

"  No  danger  of  that,"  replied  Jehu.  "  There  is 
always  plenty  of  variety.  When  the  eyes  are  all  out 
we  fall  to  biting  noses,*  and,  by  the  time  they  get 
scarce,  the  little  boys  will  grow  big  enough  to  have 
their  eyes  put  out.  It  is  like  the  spring,  when  one 
flower  pops  up  as  another  fades  —  when  strawberries 
are  succeeded  by  cherries,  and  cherries  by  blackber 
ries,  and  blackberries  by  apples,  pears,  peaches,  pump 
kins,  and  potatoes.  But  yonder  is  Princeton,  and 
huzza  for  a  dashing  drive  up." 

So  saying,  he  cracked  his  whip,  put  his  horses  to 
their  speed,  routed  a  flock  of  sheep,  ran  over  a  litter 
of  pigs,  two  blind  men,  and  a  professor  of  mineralogy 
with  his  pockets  full  of  specimens,  and  finished  by 
upsetting  the  stage  against  a  pump,  to  the  great  de 
light  of  a  mob  of  ragged  little  republicans  at  the  inn- 
door,  who,  I  afterwards  learned,  were  students  of  the 
college  pursuing  their  studies.  Luckily  I  escaped 
with  only  a  broken  shin,  which  fortunate  circumstance 
the  rascal  insisted  gave  him  a  legitimate  claim  to  a 
double  allowance  of  whiskey  at  my  hands. 

Princeton  is  the  capital  of  old  Kentucky  as  these 
republican  slang-whangers  call  it,  by  way  of  express 
ing  their  affection  for  that  dirking,  gouging,  swearing, 
drinking,  blaspheming  state.f  Its  principal  boast  is  a 
college,  in  which  reading  and  writing  by  the  Lancas 
ter  method  has  lately  been  introduced.  There  was  a 
formidable  opposition  to  the  introduction  of  these 

*  Vide  Quarterly,  No.  58,  Eng.  ed.  f  Ditto. 


312  JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA. 

aristocratic  branches  of  education,  but  at  length  the 
parents  of  the  students  consented,  on  condition  that 
the  matter  should  stop  here.  The  legislature  accord 
ingly  passed  a  law,  declaring  a  forfeiture  of  the  char 
ter  in  case  of  the  introduction  of  any  more  of  these 
pestilent  novelties.  The  only  books  they  are  permit 
ted  to  read  are  Tom  Paine's  works ;  and  such  is  the 
rigour  with  which  this  statute  is  enforced,  that  a  stu 
dent  was  expelled  the  very  day  before  my  arrival, 
only  for  having  a  Bible  in  his  possession.  It  was  in 
vain  that  he  proved  himself  incapable  of  reading,  hav 
ing  got  only  as  far  as  "  No  man  may  put  off  the  law." 
He  was  made  a  martyr,  in  the  interest  of  republican 
ism.  What  became  of  the  offending  Bible  cannot 
be  certainly  said,  but  it  was  whispered  that  the  pro 
fessor  of  divinity,  (a  sort  of  sinecure  here),  exchanged 
it  with  a  pious  old  lady  for  a  starched  band  which  be 
longed  to  her  deceased  husband. 

Having  an  hour's  leisure  on  my  hands,  I  visited  the 
outside  of  the  college,  which  is  a  log-hut  of  about  a 
hundred  feet  in  length,  with  a  thatched  roof.  The 
windows  are  all  broken,  it  being  the  principal  recrea 
tion  of  the  students  to  try  their  skill  by  throwing 
stones  at  a  particular  pane,  and  whoever  hits  it  first 
is  entitled  to  be  head  of  his  class  for  the  day.  I  did 
not  enter  this  classic  fane,  having  been  told  that  the 
penalty  of  such  intrusion  on  the  part  of  a  stranger 
is  a  gallon  of  whiskey,  which  I  did  not  think  worth 
incurring.  Somebody  pointed  out  to  me  the  field 
where,  as  these  ever-lying,  ever-boasting  republicans 
say,  General  Washington  beat  the  English  and  Hes 
sians  most  terribly,  and  took  nine  hundred  prisoners. 
Here  I  met  an  old  British  soldier,  who  assured  me 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  313 

that  he  was  not  only  at  this  battle,  but  at  every  one  du 
ring  the  American  rebellion,  and,  that  so  far  from  this 
being  the  fact,  it  was  the  British  that  beat  General 
Washington,  and  took  nine  hundred  prisoners  of  the 
Yankees.  He  further  assured  me  that  they  never 
gained  a  single  victory  in  both  their  wars  with  Eng 
land,  and  that  their  whole  history  was  a  tissue  of  lies 
from  beginning  to  end.  I  asked  him  why  he  did  not 
go  to  England,  and  write  a  history  to  that  effect.  "  It 
will  be  reviewed  in  the  Quarterly,  which  will  swear 
to  all  you  say ;  certify  that  you  are  an  honest  man, 
and  tell  the  truth ;  *  and  finally  praise  your  work,  so 
that  you  will  certainly  make  your  fortune  by  the  sale, 
and  perhaps  get  a  pension  to  boot." 

"  But,  to  tell  you  the  truth,  master,  I  left  his  majes 
ty's  service  without  taking  leave.  They  might  —  you 
understand  ?  " 

"  By  no  means,"  said  I ;  "  hundreds  of  deserters 
have  been  received  and  cherished,  only  through  their 
telling  the  truth  of  these  bragging  Yankees." 

At  dinner  I  was  very  much  annoyed  by  young  stu 
dents,  who  gathered  round  and  amused  themselves 
with  snatching  things  fron>  the  table,  so  that  in  a 
little  time  there  was  nothing  left  for  me  to  eat.  At 
first  I  had  thoughts  of  resenting  this  impertinent 
outrage,  but  observing  that  each  one  carried  a  dirk 
in  a  side-pocket,  the  handle  of  which  was  perfectly 
visible,  I  thought  it  prudent  to  say  nothing,  and  join 
in  the  laugh  which  accompanied  every  successful 
transfer  of  meat  or  vegetables.  As  it  happened,  how 
ever,  I  was  sufficiently  revenged,  for  in  the  end  they 
fell  out  about  a  favourite  bit,  drew  their  dirks,  and  in 
*  Vide  No.  58,  art.  Faux. 


314  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

less  than  five  minutes  every  soul  of  them  lay  dead 
upon  the  floor.  The  uproar  brought  in  the  landlord, 
two  or  three  professors,  and  a  justice  of  the  peace, 
who,  instead  of  interfering,  stood  by,  enjoying  the 
frolic,  as  they  called  it,  and  laughing  at  every  success 
ful  push. 

The  stage  now  drove  up,  greatly  to  my  satisfaction, 
as  I  was  heartily  sick  of  this  classic  abode.  Such 
indeed  was  my  haste,  that  I  jumped  in  without  pay 
ing  my  bill,  which  the  landlord  politely  reminded  me 
of.  On  my  making  an  apology,  he  replied  carelessly, 
"  O,  never  mind,  sir,  this  happens  so  often  with  our 
republican  travellers,  that  I  think  myself  well  off  if 
one  in  ten  pays  me,  and  him  I  always  charge  for  all 
the  rest."  By  this  time  there  was  a  crowd  of  ragged 
students  gathered  about,  and,  on  its  being  whispered 
that  I  was  certainly  an  Englishman  because  I  paid 
my  bill,  there  was  a  cry  of  "  Gouge  him !  gouge 
him ! ",  which  certainly  would  have  been  done,  had 
not  the  driver  charitably  whipped  up  his  horses,  and 
distanced  the  barbarians,  who  followed  us  for  half  a 
mile,  shouting  and  hallooing  like  Indians. 

That  the  spirit  of  democracy  should  thus  penetrate 
into  the  hallowed  recesses  of  learning  and  science  is 
not  to  be  wondered  at.  Liberty  is  the  root  of  all 
evil;  since  nothing  is  more  certain  than  that  if  men 
have  not  the  power  to  do  a  thing  the  will  signifies 
nothing.  Hence  it  arises  that  rogues  and  ruffians  are 
chained,  to  prevent  the  .indulgence  of  their  bad  pas 
sions.  Nothing  is  so  effectual  in  preventing  evil,  as 
taking  away  the  power  of  doing  evil.  The  more  free 
a  people  are,  according  to  the  Quarterly,*  the  more 

*  Vide  No.  58,  Eng.  ed. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  315 

wicked  they  will  be,  because  the  privilege  of  doing 
every  thing  not  forbidden  by  the  laws  will  be  followed, 
in  the  natural  course  of  things,  by  the  liberty  of  doing 
every  thing  contrary  to  the  laws.  These  axioms  are 
so  self-evident  that  it  is  unnecessary  to  insist  upon 
them  any  further. 

After  passing  through  Natchitoches,  Passama- 
quoddy,  Michilimackinac,  and  other  places,  whose 
appearance  is  as  barbarous  as  their  names,  we  arrived 
at  Philadelphia,  the  capital  of  the  state  of  Moyamen- 
sing.  As  this  is  considered  the  most  orderly,  polite, 
civilized,  and  literary  city  of  the  States,  I  comforted 
myself  with  the  hope  of  meeting  with  a  different  re 
ception  from  what  I  had  been  hitherto  accustomed  to, 
among  these  immaculate  republicans,  as  the  Quarterly 
says.  But,  alas !,  my  hopes  rested  on  a  foundation 
of  sand.  We  had  scarcely  entered  the  city  when  the 
stage  was  stopped  by  a  crowd  of  people  gathered 
around  a  fresh  dead  body.  The  history  of  this  trans 
action  is  as  follows,  and  furnishes  a  happy  illustration 
of  the  blessings  of  pure  democracy. 

It  seems  a  fellow  named  Ramsbottom,  a  man-mil 
liner  by  trade,  and  a  genuine  republican,  had  taken 
offence  at  a  neighbour  whose  name  was  Higginbot- 
tom,  because  his  wife  had  attempted  to  cheapen  a 
crimped  tucker  at  his  shop,  and  afterwards  reported 
that  he  sold  things  dearer  than  his  rival  man-milliner 
over  the  way,  whose  name  was  Winterbottom,  and 
whose  next-door  neighbour  was  one  Oddy.  In  the 
pure  spirit  of  democracy,  Ramsbottom  determined  to 
dirk,  not  only  Higginbottom,  but  Winterbottom,  and 
Oddy,  together  with  their  wives,  and  all  the  Higgin- 
bottoms,  Winterbottom s,  Oddys,  and  little  Oddities. 


316  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

It  was  a  long  time  before  he  could  get  them  all  to 
gether,  so  as  to  make  one  job  of  it.  At  length  he 
collected  the  party  at  his  own  house,  to  keep  their 
Christmas  eve,  and  determined  to  execute  his  diabol 
ical  purpose.  It  appears,  however,  from  what  fol 
lowed,  that  he  had  changed  his  mind  as  to  dirking; 
for,  just  as  they  were  up  to  their  eyes  in  a  Christmas- 
pie,  a  sudden  explosion  took  place,  the  house  blew 
up,  and  every  soul  perished,  Ramsbottom,  Higgin- 
bottom,  Winterbottom,  Oddy,  the  little  Ramsbottoms, 
Higginbottoms,  Winterbottoms,  Oddys,  and  Oddities. 
Such  is  the  ferocity  and  thirst  of  vengeance  generated 
in  the  hot-bed  of  democracy,  that  this  desperado, 
Ramsbottom,  scrupled  not,  like  the  republican  Sam 
son  of  old,  to  pull  down  destruction  on  himself,  only 
for  the  pleasure  of  being  revenged  on  his  enemies.* 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

Philadelphia — Origin  of  the  phrase,  "coming  out  at  the  little  end  of  the 
horn"  —  Republican  sour  bread — Spirit  of  Democracy  —  Advances  in 
civilization  here  —  Marquis  of  Tweedale  —  Watchmen  —  Story  of  a 
republican  watchman,  and  a  republican  market-woman  —  Literature  — 
Port  Folio  —  Franklin,  Washington,  and  all  the  great  men  of  this  coun 
try,  born  under  the  King's  government  —  Cooper,  Walsh,  Irving,  all 
visited  England  —  Theory  on  this  head  —  State  of  religion  —  Jefferson  — 
Madison  —  Adams  —  Republican  gratitude  —  Little  Frenchman  —  Black 
dog  —  Sodom  and  Gomorrah  —  Author  gets  into  the  wrong  box  —  Brutal 
conduct  of  the  captain  of  the  steam-boat  —  Author  is  tempted  by  Satan 
in  the  shape  of  the  little  Frenchman  —  Bristol — Author  goes  to  bed  in 
dudgeon  without  supper  —  Catastrophe  of  the  cook  in  consequence. 

THE  city  of  Philadelphia,  (every  thing  is  a  city  here), 
is  a  little  higgledy-piggledy  place  with  hardly  a  decent 

*  It  will  be  perceived  that  our  author  is  very  fond  of  this  story.  —  Am.  Ed. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  317 

house  in  it,  whose  principal  trade  consists  in  the  ex 
portation  of  toffy  and  pepperpot.  It  is  situate  be 
tween  two  rivers,  the  Delaware  on  the  West,  and  the 
Schuylkill  on  the  East.  The  former  is  a  decent  sort 
of  a  river,  but  nothing  to  be  compared  to  the  Thames, 
or  the  Avon.  The  streets,  for  the  most  part,  are  laid 
out  in  the  shape  of  a  ram's  horn,  at  the  little  end  of 
which  commonly  reside  that  class  of  people  who  have 
been  unfortunate  in  business.  Hence  the  expression, 
"  coming  out  at  the  little  end  of  the  horn."  There  are 
no  public  buildings,  nor  indeed  any  thing  else  worthy 
of  a  stranger's  notice,  and  so  I  pass  them  by  as  un 
worthy  of  notice. 

I  took  lodgings,  (for  I  hate  your  first-rate  hotels),  at 
the  sign  of  the  Goose  and  Gridiron,  where,  for  the 
first  time  since  my  arrival  in  the  States,  I  tasted  sweet 
bread.*  I  was  at  a  loss  to  account  for  this  phenom 
enon,  until  I  found  my  landlady  was  an  English 
woman.  It  is  a  singular  fact,  noticed  by  all  travellers 
in  this  country,  that,  go  where  you  will,  the  bread  is 
sure  to  be  sour.  Whether  this  is  owing  to  the  yeast, 
to  the  bad  taste  of  these  republicans,  or  to  some  in 
trinsic  quality  in  the  wheat,  I  cannot  say.  I  am  rather 
inclined  to  the  latter  opinion,  because  the  grapes  in 
this  country,  as  well  as  the  apples,  peaches,  and  every 
species  of  fruit  I  tasted,  are  as  sour  as  vinegar.  There 
must  be  some  acidity  in  the  soil  or  air,  or  both,  to 
produce  this  disagreeable  singularity.  Or  perhaps 
after  all  it  is  owing  to  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democ 
racy. 

It  is  not  without  some  reason  that  Philadelphia  is 
called  the  Athens  of  America,  since,  among  other 

*  Vide  No.  58,  Eng.  ed. 


318  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

advances  in  civilization,  the  people  sometimes  wash 
their  hands  and  faces.  This  practice  was  introduced 
about  seven  years  ago,  by  the  Marquis  of  Tweedale 
and  his  suite.  It  was  at  first  violently  opposed,  as 
an  aristocratic  custom,  unworthy  of  freemen ;  but  it 
gradually  made  its  way,  and  there  are  now  few,  ex 
cept  the  radicals  and  ultra  democrats,  that  demur  to 
the  practice.  The  popular  opinion  is,  however,  rather 
against  it,  and  it  is  seldom  that  a  person  with  clean 
hands  and  face  is  elected  to  any  office,  unless  he  can 
demonstrate  his  republicanism  by  a  red  nose,  a  black 
eye,  or  some  other  unequivocal  mark  of  his  high  call 
ing. 

The  city  has  also  a  nightly  watch,  a  peculiarity  I 
did  not  observe  either  at  Boston  or  New  York.  Here 
watchmen  are  obliged  to  call  the  hour  through  the  whole 
night,  an  excellent  regulation,  as  I  supposed,  since 
this  is  pretty  good  evidence  of  a  man's  being  awake. 
But  the  spirit  of  democracy  evades  every  salutary 
regulation  it  seems,  and  I  was  assured  by  a  worthy 
alderman,  a  native  of  England,  that  these  fellows, 
from  long  habit,  call  the  hour  as  regularly  sleeping  as 
waking,  so  that  this  afforded  no  additional  security  to 
the  citizens.  The  alderman  told  me  that  not  less  than 
three  or  four  watchmen  were  robbed  at  their  posts 
every  night ;  and  nothing  was  more  common  than  a 
fellow  to  be  bawling  out  "  All's  well,"  when  somebody 
was  actually  picking  his  pockets.  The  alderman  re 
lated  a  humorous  instance. 

It  seems  a  sturdy  watchman,  (who,  being  considered 

the  best  of  the  gang  at  a  nap,  was  always  placed  at 

.some  responsible  post),  was  nodding  in  his  box,  when 

a  wag  of  a  thief  took  off  his  hat,  and  put  in  its  place 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  819 

a  night-cap,  which  he  had  stolen  from  an  old  apple- 
woman  who  lived  near  the  ferry-stairs  in  High  street. 
The  hat  he  straightway  carried  to  her  house,  and  left 
there.  The  old  dame,  upon  discovering  the  theft,  set 
out  bright  and  early,  with  the  watchman's  hat  on  her 
head  for  want  of  a  better,  to  lay  her  complaint  before 
the  police,  when,  as  luck*  would  have  it,  she  saw  the 
vigilant  child  of  the  night,  still  nodding  in  his  box, 
with  her  cap  on  his  head.  The  Amazon  seized  her 
property,  and  cried  out  "  Stop  thief ! "  with  such  as 
tonishing  vigour,  that  she  actually  awoke  the  watch 
man,  although  people  who  best  knew  him  thought  it 
was  impossible.  The  watchman,  rubbing  his  eyes, 
and  seeing  the  apple-woman  with  his  hat  on  her  head, 
naturally  concluded  that  the  cry  of  "  Stop  thief !  "  ap 
plied  to  her.  Upon  which  he  conducted  her  at  once 
to  the  police-court,  to  which  the  lady  followed  with 
great  alacrity,  supposing  she  had  the  watchman  in 
custody.  When  arrived  at  the  court,  there  was  the 
deuse  to  pay.  The  watchman  charged  the  apple- 
woman  with  stealing  his  hat;  the  apple -woman 
charged  the  watchman  with  stealing  her  cap ;  the 
police -justice  scratched  his  head  ;  and  the  clerk 
gnawed  two  goose-quills  to  the  stump.  But  what 
was  most  to  be  admired,  two  lawyers  were,  literally, 
puzzled  to  death  by  the  knotty  controversy ;  and  to 
puzzle  a  Philadelphia  lawyer  is  proverbially  difficult 
In  conclusion,  the  watchman  was  broken,  as  the  safest 
course ;  but  the  sovereign  people,  looking  upon  him  as 
an  oppressed  citizen,  immediately  elected  him  an  al 
derman. 

There  is  a  great  show,  or  rather  affectation,  of  litera 
ture  here,  an4  the  good  people  crow  in  their  cups  a 


320  JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA. 

good  deal,  on  account  of  the  oldest  periodical  paper 
in  the  States  being  published  here.  It  is  called  the 
Port  Folio,*  and  is  really  so  old  that  it  may  be  justly 
pronounced  quite  superannuated.  But  I  did  not  find 
any  other  special  indications  of  a  flourishing  state  of 
literature.  To  be  sure,  here  and  there  you  meet  with 
a  young  lady  that  can  read  large  print,  and  a  young 
gentleman  that  can  tell  a  B  from  a  bull's  foot,  by  the 
aid  of  a  quizzing-glass.  But  there  never  has  been  an 
original  work  produced  here  of  American  manufacture ; 
and  the  only  translation  I  ever  met  with  is  that  of  the 
almanac  into  High-Dutch.  They  likewise  boast  of 
one  Franklin,  a  great  hand  at  flying  kites,  and  one  of 
the  first  manufacturers  of  lightning-rods.  I  had  heard 
him  spoken  of  respectfully  at  home,  so  am  willing  to 
allow  he  was  clever.  But  after  all,  what  have  these  peo 
ple  to  boast  of  on  this  head  ?  Both  Washington  and 
Franklin,  and  indeed  all  the  respectable  sort  of  men 
who  figure  in  the  history  of  this  country,  were  born 
under  the  king's  government,  and  are  therefore  to  all 
intents  and  purposes  Englishmen.  Franklin  spent  a 
long  time  in  England,  and  though  there  is  no  account 
of  Washington's  ever  having  been  there,  his  being  able 
to  read  and  write,  of  which  there  are  pretty  clear  proofs, 
furnishes  a  sufficient  presumption  that  he  must  have 
been  there,  or  where  could  he  have  got  his  learning  ? 
At  all  events,  they  lived  the  best  part  of  their  lives 
under  the  genial  and  fostering  influence  of  monar- 
chial  institutions :  and  that  all  their  talent^  and  virtues 
originated  in  that  circumstance  is  proved,  first,  by 
their  never  having  done  any  thing  worthy  of  admira- 

("*  1800 — 1827,  under  the    editorship    successively  of  Joseph    Dennie, 
Nicholas  Biddle,  Charles  Caldwell,  and  John  E.  Hall.] 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  321 

tion,  after  the  establishment  of  the  republican  system 
here ;  and  secondly,  by  the  singular  fact,  that,  from  that 
time  to  the  present,  there  has  not  been  a  man  of  or 
dinary  talents  or  acquirements  produced  in  the  coun 
try.  Mr.  Cooper  and  Mr.  Irving  have,  it  is  true, 
gained  some  little  reputation ;  but  I  am  credibly  in 
formed  that  the  former  of  these  gentlemen  has  been 
once  or  twice  in  England,  and  that  the  latter  never 
wrote  English  until  he  had  been  long  enough  there  to 
forget  the  jargon  of  his  own  country.  So,  after  all, 
they  furnish  no  exception  to  my  rule,  which  I  have 
the  happiness  to  say  is  sanctioned  by  the  Quarterly. 
As  to  Mr.  Walsh,  who  had  the  hardihood  to  tilt  with 
the  Quarterly,  he  I  know  was  a  good  while  in  Eng 
land,  and  there  it  was,  beyond  doubt,  he  polished  his 
lance,  and  learned  all  the  arts  of  literary  warfare. 
But  to  put  the  matter  at  rest  for  ever,  it  is  utterly  im 
possible,  as  I  have  sufficiently  proved,  for  any  thing 
elegant,  or  good,  or  beautiful,  or  great,  to  take  root  in 
the  polluted  sink  of  that  earthly  pandemonium,  a  gen 
uine  republic.* 

Religion,  like  literature,  is  at  a  low  ebb  here,  or 
rather  there  is  neither  ebb  nor  flood,  on  account  of 
there  being  no  religion  at  all.  This  might  be  expected 
from  the  absence  of  an  established  church  with  exclu 
sive  privileges  over  all  denominations  of  sectarians. 
The  Quakers  are  numerous  here,  and  it  is  utterly  im 
possible  there  should  be  any  pure  orthodox  religion 
where  they  predominate,  since  we  all  know  that  they 
preach  voluntarily,  as  the  spirit  moves  them,  and  with 
out  fee  or  reward.  Now,  I  have  already  proved  that 
a  religion  which  costs  nothing  is  good  for  nothing. 

*  Vide  No.  58,  Eng.  ed. 
21 


322  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

It  unquestionably  is  with  religion  as  with  every  thing 
else,  the  more  we  pay  for  it  the  higher  value  we  set 
upon  the  purchase,  and  the  better  we  are  likely  to  be 
come.*  On  the  contrary,  a  people  who  get  their 
piety  gratis,  must,  of  necessity,  in  a  little  time  be 
come  impious.  In  proof  of  this,  I  was  told  by  my 
landlady,  a  very  respectable  widow,  that  there  was  a 
society  in  each  of  the  wards  of  the  city,  composed  of 
the  principal  Quakers  and  others,  to  put  down  reli 
gion  altogether,  by  the  simple  and  certain  means  of 
not  persecuting  any  particular  sect,  or  giving  any  one 
exclusive  privileges.  This  wicked  design,  aided  by 
the  destruction  of  all  the  Bibles,  which  they  have 
bought  up  and  burned,  is  likely,  my  landlady  assured 
me,  to  banish,  at  no  distant  period,  every  trace  of  or 
thodoxy  from  this  crooked,  Quakerish,  and  abandoned 
city.  It  is  better  to  be  a  bigot  without  religion  than 
religious  without  bigotry.  Nothing,  in  short,  leads  so 
inevitably  to  an  indifference  to  all  religion,  as  the  doc 
trine  of  toleration,  which  makes  all  equal  in  the  par 
ticipation  of  wealth  and  civil  rights.  The  enjoyment 
of  superior  privileges  and  immunities  on  one  hand, 
and  the  deprivation  of  them  on  the  other,  generates  a 
salutary  opposition  between  the  two  parties,  exceed 
ingly  favourable  to  the  interests  of  religion.  The  party 
in  the  enjoyment  of  these  superior  immunities  will 
endeavour,  by  superior  piety,  to  prove  that  it  deserves 
them ;  and  the  party  out  of  possession,  will  strive,  by 
the  same  means,  to  prove  that  though  it  may  not  pos 
sess,  it  at  least  deserves,  a  full  share.  Thus  will  the 
worst  passions  of  the  mind,  envy,  hatred,  and  fear,  as 
it  were  by  miracle,  harmoniously  conduce  to  the  pres- 

*  Vide  Quarterly. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  323 

ervation  and  increase  of  the  true  faith.  But  there  is 
nothing  of  this  in  the  pure  system  of  democracy,  and 
consequently  there  is  no  religion  but  unbelief,  no 
morals  but  what  consist  in  a  total  relaxation  of  moral 
ity,  and  no  deity  but  Satan,  the  first  republican  on 
record,  as  the  Quarterly  says. 

As  these  immaculate  republicans  have  neither  reli 
gion  nor  morals,  so  are  they  entirely  destitute  of 
gratitude.  It  will  hardly  be  believed,  but  is  neverthe 
less  a  fact,  that  Mr.  Jefferson,  the  author  of  their 
famous  Declaration  of  Independence,  the  oracle  of 
republicans,  the  former  president  of  the  United  States, 
and,  after  Satan,  the  prince  of  democrats  —  the  man 
whom  the  people  toast  at  all  their  public  meetings, 
and  pretend  to  revere  next  to  Washington  —  is,  at 
this  moment,  an  actor  on  the  Philadelphia  boards  for 
bread !  *  I  saw  him  myself,  or  I  would  not  have  be 
lieved  it,  bad  as  I  think  these  miserable  republicans. 
Yet,  with  this  damning  fact  staring  them  full  in  the 
face,  they  are  every  day  boasting  of  their  gratitude  to 
their  benefactors,  at  the  gorgeous  feasts  given  to  Gen 
eral  La  Fayette.  I  hope  the  Quarterly  will  touch 
them  up  on  this  score  in  the  next  number.  Of  their 
other  surviving  presidents,  Mr.  Madison, f  as  I  was 
assured,  teaches  a  school  in  some  remote  part  of  Vir 
ginia,  and  Mr.  Adams  lives  in  great  obscurity  some 
where  in  the  neighbourhood  of  Boston!  This  is  a 
natural  consequence  of  abolishing  the  excellent  sys 
tem  of  pensions  and  sinecures.  I  confess,  I  felt  a 

*  The  author  has  confounded  our  old  favourite  the  comedian,  with 
Thomas  Jefferson,  the  late  president.  But  this  is  a  mistake  pardonable  in  a 
stranger.  —  Am.  Editor. 

[f  The  Right  Reverend  James  Madison,  bishop  of  Virginia,  was  president 
of  William  and  Mary  College,  at  Williamsburg,  Va.] 


324  JOHN   BULL  IN   AMERICA. 

little  ill-natured  satisfaction  at  the  fate  of  Jefferson 
and  Madison,  when  I  considered  that  the  first  picked 
a  quarrel  with  England  on  pretence  of  maintaining 
the  rights  of  his  country,  and  the  other  had  the  wick 
edness  to  declare  war  against  her,  while  she  was 
struggling  for  the  liberties  of  Europe,  now  so  happily 
secured  in  the  keeping  of  the  Holy  Alliance.  Nor 
indeed  could  I  find  it  in  my  heart  to  be  sorry  for  Mr. 
Adams,  who  was  one  of  the  prime  movers  of  the 
rebellion,  and  a  principal  pillar  of  the  revolution.* 
Nothing  can  furnish  a  clearer  proof  of  the  divine  right 
of  kings  than  the  fact,  that  history  does  not  record  an 
instance  of  a  man  who  took  arms  against  his  sove 
reign,  on  whom  some  signal  punishment  did  not  fall, 
by  special  interposition  of  Providence.f 

These  reflections,  which  crossed  my  mind  on  seeing 
an  ex-president  performing  the  character  of  Diggory, 
were  suddenly  interrupted  by  what  seemed  the  sound 
of  a  trumpet,  directly  behind  me.  On  turning  round, 
to  note  its  source,  I  was  struck  with  horror  —  it  was 
the  little  Frenchman,  blowing  his  nose,  with  his  con 
founded  flowered  Madras  handkerchief.  The  story 
of  the  diabolical  dance  at  Communipaw  —  of  the  little 
dark  gentleman,  who  could  be  no  other  than  Satan 
himself,  so  like  the  little  Frenchman  —  rushed  upon 
my  mind.  I  grew  desperate  —  started  up  —  tumbled 
over  the  people  in  the  box  —  burst  open  the  door,  and 
hurried  through  the  lobby  into  the  street,  without  once 
looking  behind  me.  Just  as  I  left  the  box,  I  heard 
the  little  Frenchman  say  in  reply  to  some  question, 
"Monsieur  is  not  mad  —  diable!,  he  is  only  a  little 
afraid  of  robbers." 

[*  The  traveller  confounds  Samuel  Adams  with  John  Adams.] 
t  Vide  Quarterly  Review  —  Clarendon's  Hist.  Rebellion,  &c.  &c. 


JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA.  325 

As  I  walked  hastily  on  toward  my  lodging,  I 
heard  a  footstep,  pat,  pat,  close  behind  me.  'Tis  the 
little  Frenchman,  thought  I  —  and  mended  my  pace. 
Still  the  footsteps  continued  —  pat,  pat,  pat.  I  began 
to  run  —  still  the  pat,  pat,  pat,  continued,  until  I 
arrived  at  my  temporary  habitation,  where,  necessarily 
stopping  for  a  moment  till  the  door  was  opened,  I  felt 
two  great  paws  pressing  heavily  upon  my  shoulders. 
The  door  opened,  and  I  rushed  in,  almost  oversetting 
my  good  landlady,  who  eagerly  inquired  what  was  the 
matter.  "  Satan  is  at  my  heels,"  replied  I.  "  Lack- 
adaisy!  is  that  all?  Nobody  minds  him  here.  In 
deed,  he  is  so  popular  that  the  people  would  send 
him  to  Congress,  I  dare  say,  if  he  liked."  "  O  Sodom 
and  Gomorrah ! "  said  I,  "  is  there  no  brimstone  left 
for  these  impious,  rebellious,  republican  cities ! "  The 
worthy  lady  paid  no  attention  to  this  apostrophe,  but 
began  to  pat  a  great  Newfoundland  dog,  a  mighty 
favourite,  exclaiming,  "  Why,  poor  old  Neptune,  where 
have  you  been  all  this  while  ?  "  —  then,  turning  to  me, 
"  he  must  have  followed  you  to  the  play-house ;  I 
noticed  he  took  a  great  liking  to  you  from  the  first." 

The  night  was  spent  in  almost  sleepless  anxiety. 
My  thoughts  continually  reverted  to  the  little  French 
man,  the  dancing  gentleman  at  Communipaw,  and 
the  great  black  Newfoundland  dog,  until  they  got  so 
jumbled  up  that  for  my  life  I  could  not  separate 
them.  I  became  feverish  with  indescribable  terrors ; 
and,  if  I  chanced  to  fall  into  a  doze,  was  ever  and 
anon  disturbed  by  attempts  to  break  open  my  door, 
accompanied  by  strange  and  unaccountable  moanings 
and  whinings,  for  which  I  could  not  account.  The 
spirit  of  democracy  seemed  to  be  letting  slip  all  his 


326  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

legions  of  malignant  fiends  to  torture  me,  and  I  re 
solved  to  quit  for  ever  this  city  of  horrors.  Accord 
ingly,  I  rose  early,  hastened  my  breakfast,  and  inquired 
of  the  good  landlady  if  there  was  any  conveyance  to 
the  South  that  day. 

"  There  is  a  steam-boat  which  starts  about  this 
hour ;  but  you're  not  going  away  in  such  a  hurry  ?  " 

"  This  moment ",  I  replied,  seizing  my  portman 
teau. 

"  But  you  had  better  send  for  a  porter  to  carry  your 
baggage." 

"  Send  for  the  d 1,  in  the  shape  of  a  little 

Frenchman  or  a  great  black  dog,"  said  I,  impatiently, 
removing  my  portmanteau. 

"  Better  call  a  hack,  then,"  replied  she ;  "  it's  a  long 
way." 

"  I'll  not  wait  a  minute  for  all  the  carriages  in  this 
diabolical  city." 

"  Why  then,  sir,  you  had  better  settle  your  bill  be 
fore  you  go  —  if  you  are  not  in  too  great  a  hurry." 

This  being  done,  I  sallied  out  with  hasty  steps 
toward  the  river,  where  I  jumped  into  the  first  steam 
boat  I  met  with,  and  was  felicitating  myself  on  my 
escape,  when  I  actually  ran  my  nose  right  into  the 
mahogany  face  of  the  little  Frenchman.  Starting 
back,  I  fell  over  a  basket  of  onions  belonging  to  an 
old  woman,  who  let  fly  at  me  in  the  republican  style. 
I  was  now  satisfied  in  my  own  mind  —  "  He  must  be 
either  the  evil  one,  or  he  deals  with  the  evil  one  and 
is  therefore  a  witch."  To  ease  myself  of  these  dis 
tracting  doubts,  after  we  had  left  the  wharf  I  called 
the  captain  of  the  steam-boat  aside,  related  my  story, 
and  proposed  tying  the  Frenchman  neck  and  heels 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  327 

and  throwing  him  overboard,  to  see  if  he  would  sink 
or  swim.  The  brute,  who  I  have  no  doubt  was  also 
in  league  with  Satan,  laughed  in  my  face,  and  re 
plied, 

"  I  would  oblige  you  with  pleasure,  but  we  are  not 
allowed  to  try  witches  nowadays,  in  this  manner." 

"  Not  try  witches ! "  cried  I  in  astonishment ;  "  what 
d'y'e  do  with  them,  then  ?"  (Another  proof,  thought 
I,  of  the  absence  of  all  law  as  well  as  gospel  here). 

"  Why,  we  generally  let  them  run  —  the  Old  Boy 
will  get  them  at  last,  you  know,  and  pay  them  for  all 
their  pranks.  But,  to  tell  you  truth,  we  don't  believe 
much  in  witches  nowadays." 

«  Nor  in  fairies  ?  " 

«  No." 

"  Nor  in  the  Prince  of  Hohenlohe's  miracles  ?  "  * 

"  No ;  I  never  heard  of  him." 

«  Nor  Joanna  Southcott's  ?  "  f 

"  No ;  I  never  heard  of  her  either  ?  " 

"  Nor  vampires  ?  " 

«  No." 

"  Nor  ghosts  ?  " 

"  Not  a  single  mother's  son  of  them." 

"  And  what  do  you  suppose  has  become  of  them 
all?" 

[*  Alexander  Leopold  Francis  Emmerich,  prince  of  Hohenlohe-Walden- 
burg-Schillingsfurst,  born  in  1793,  died  in  1849.  He  studied  theology, 
and  was  ordained  priest  in  1815.  He  made  a  great  noise  in  the  United 
States  by  his  pretended  miracles,  especially  the  relief  of  Mrs.  Ann  Mattingly, 
of  Washington,  D.C.,  from  a  tumor,  in  response  to  his  prayers,  March  10, 
1824. 1 

[t  A  female  fanatic,  who  flourished  in  England  at  the  close  of  the  last, 
and  beginning  of  the  present,  century.  She  made  the  most  shocking  pre 
tensions,  which  nevertheless  were  believed  in  by  many  persons.  She  was, 
doubtless,  insane.] 


328  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

"  They  went  away  about  the  time  the  race  of  giants 
and  mammoths  disappeared,  I  suppose." 

"  In  the  name  of  Heaven,"  cried  I  to  this  unbeliev 
ing  reprobate,  "  what  do  you  believe,  then  ?  " 

"  Why,  I  believe  the  moon  is  not  made  of  green 
cheese,  and  that  the  little  Frenchman  is  no  witch," 
quoth  he,  and  went  coolly  about  his  business. 

He  had  just  gone  from  me  when  the  little  French 
man  came  up  and  offered  his  box. 

"  Ah,  monsieur,  you  ran  away  from  me  last  night, 
but  I  have  caught  you  again  this  morning.  Diable ! 
I  believe  the  fates  ordain  we  shall  never  part  again." 
Heaven  forbid !,  thought  I ;  but  remained  silent,  hardly 
knowing  what  to  say. 

"  Is  monsieur  going  to  New  Orleans  yet  ?  ",  con 
tinued  he,  after  a  short  pause. 

"  I  am  on  my  way,"  replied  I,  with  as  much  the  air 
of  distant  hauteur  as  I  could  muster  up  on  the  occa 
sion. 

"  Then  monsieur  has  somehow  or  other  turned  his 
nose  the  wrong  way  again.  Diable !,  you  are  going 
back  to  Portsmouth,  as  sure  as  a  pistol." 

Thou  father  of  lies  and  deceit,  thought  I,  you  shall 
not  impose  upon  me  again,  either  in  the  shape  of  a 
little  Frenchman,  or  in  that  of  a  great  black  dog.  So 
I  said  nothing,  but  eyed  him  with  a  look  of  most  mor 
tifying  incredulity.  He  shrugged  up  his  shoulders, 
took  a  pinch  of  snuff,  and  walked  away,  to  frisk 
among  the  ladies,  with  whom  the  Old  Harry  has 
always  been  somewhat  a  favourite.  The  captain, 
who  had  just  been  ashore  to  steal  a  score  or  two  of 
pigs  for  the  supply  of  his  passengers,  soon  after  came 
up,  and  asked  me,  with  a  smile,  if  I  had  found  out 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  329 

whether  the  little  man  was  a  witch  or  not  ?  I  evaded 
his  question,  in  the  true  republican  style,  by  asking 
which  way  we  were  going,  South  or  North. 

"  Why  North,  to  be  sure,  sir." 

"  Toward  New  Orleans  ?  " 

"  No  —  right  from  it  as  straight  as  an  arrow." 

"  And  why  didn't  you  tell  me  so  ?  "  replied  I  in  a 
rage,  for  I  could  not  stand  this  imposition. 

"  I  did,  as  soon  as  you  inquired.  It's  not  my  busi 
ness  to  tell  every  passenger  the  way  to  New  Orleans. 
Every  steam-boat  is  not  going  there,  and  the  best 
thing  a  stranger  can  do  is  to  ask  before  he  goes  on 
board." 

I  now  positively  insisted  that  he  should  turn  the 
vessel  right  about,  and  land  me  where  he  took  me  up. 

"  What,  go  back  twenty  miles,  with  a  hundred  peo 
ple,  to  rectify  the  blunder  of  one !  No,  no,  sir ;  you 
must  go  on  to  Bristol.  I  shall  return  in  the  morning, 
and  take  you  back,  so  you  will  only  lose  one  day  after 
ah1.  But  here  comes  the  witch  ;  perhaps  he  will  take 
you  back  on  a  broomstick."  So  saying,  he  went  away 
without  paying  any  attention  to  my  remonstrances. 
Presently  the  little  Frenchman  came  up,  and  inquired 
what  was  the  matter.  I  stated  my  case,  and  asked 
his  advice,  for  at  this  moment  I  felt  that  to  trust  to 
Satan  himself  was  better  than  to  rely  on  a  republi 
can. 

"What  shall  I  do?"  said  I. 

"  Appeal  to  posterity  and  the  immortal  gods ! "  said 
he,  with  an  air  of  diabolical  sublimity,  at  the  same 
time  taking  a  mortal  pinch  of  snuff  that  smelt  like 
brimstone. 

"  There  are  no  gods  in  this  impious  country,"  an- 


330  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

swered  I  in  despair ;  "  and,  as  for  posterity,  I  am  a 
bachelor  and  never  mean  to  be  married  —  so  I  can 
have  no  posterity !  " 

"  There  is  a  way,  monsieur,"  quoth  the  little  French 
man,  with  an  insinuating  and  fiendish  smile. 

"  What ! "  cried  I,  with  an  ungovernable  burst  of 
indignation  —  "  would  you  tempt  me,  Satan !  But 
thy  arts  are  vain.  No,  diabolical  instigator.  Know 
I  am  a  true-born  Englishman,  a  defender  of  the  faith, 
and  a  bulwark  of  religion.  No !  Be  thou  Asmodeus, 
Ashtaroth,  Belshazzar,  or  the  Devil  on  two  Sticks  — 
be  all  mankind  extinct  for  want  of  posterity,  and  be 
there  no  posterity  to  appeal  to  —  let  me  be  going 
North  or  South,  or  East  or  West,  to  New  Orleans  or 
New  Guinea  —  all  this  shall  happen  before  Satan 
shall  tempt  me  to  the  sin  of — " 

«  Of  what  ?  "  said  the  little  d 1  of  a  man.  "  Of 

what  shall  never  defile  my  tongue  in  the  utterance," 
said  I,  with  the  air  of  a  hero. 

"  Well,  if  monsieur  will  neither  appeal  to  posterity, 
nor  to  the  immortal  gods,  there  is  no  more  to  be  said. 
And  now  I  think  of  it,  no  more  is  necessary.  See !, 
we  are  just  at  Bristol,  where  they  land  passengers. 
You  can  stop  here  to-night,  and  return  to  Philadelphia 
to-morrow  morning.  I  am  sorry  to  lose  your  agreea 
ble  company,  but  I  am  going  on  a  little  way  farther 
to  the  North." 

This  last  information  was  of  itself  sufficient  to  de 
termine  me  to  take  his  advice,  though  I  could  not 
help  suspecting  in  my  own  mind  that  he  had  some 
devil-born  design  in  his  head.  Accordingly,  here  I 
landed,  the  little  Frenchman  taking  leave  of  me  in 
the  most  friendly  manner.  "  I  am  sorry  to  lose  mon- 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  331 

sieur's  agreeable  company  —  but,  as  I  am  going  North, 
and  monsieur  South,  who  knows  but  we  may  meet 
again."  Heaven  forbid,  thought  I,  as  they  loosed 
the  rope,  and  the  boat  ploughed  her  way  down  the 
stream. 

I  found  out  a  lodging,  where  I  ordered  supper,  and, 
while  it  was  getting  ready,  could  not  help  reflecting 
on  the  brutal  inhospitality,  the  unfeeling  rudeness  and 
ferocity  generated  in  the  polluted  hot-bed  of  republi 
canism.  The  conduct  of  the  Captain  of  the  steam 
boat,  in  first  receiving  me  on  board  —  his  refusal  to 
turn  back  only  twenty  or  thirty  miles  to  land  me 
again  —  and  the  stolid  indifference  with  which  the 
passengers  listened  to  my  just  complaints  —  all  these 
rushed  together  on  my  mind,  and  put  me  into  such  a 
passion  that  I  determined  to  be  revenged  on  the  whole 
race  of  republicans  by  going  to  bed  without  my  sup 
per.  This  I  did,  to  the  utter  discomfiture  of  the  land 
lord,  the  chamber-maid,  the  hostler,  and  particularly 
the  cook,  who  killed  himself  with  a  spit,  in  a  fit  of 
despair,  at  my  refusing  to  taste  his  terrapin  soup. 


332  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 


CHAPTER  XV. 

Good  luck  of  the  author  in  not  being  robbed  —  Story  of  the  roaring  repub 
lican,  Ramsbottom —  Steam-boat  —  Fat  lady  of  colour  —  Force  of  bad 
example  —  Spirit  of  democracy  —  Privilege  of  speech,  alias  impudent 
loquacity  —  Author  beleaguered  by  a  wandering  republican  gentleman, 
who  tells  his  story  —  Author's  reflections  on  it  —  Insolent  republican  cusr 
torn  of  shaking  hands  —  Goes  to  a  magistrate  —  Another  sketch  of  a  re 
publican  justice  —  Republican  mode  of  settling  lawsuits  —  Takes  French 
leave  of  his  worship. 

LUCKILY,  though  alone  and  unarmed,  having  lost 
my  pistols  as  before  stated,  I  escaped  being  murdered 
that  night,  which  good  fortune  I  attribute  to  the  at 
tention  of  the  people  having  been  called  off  by  an 
affair  which  took  place  during  the  evening.  I  shall 
relate  it,  for  the  purpose  of  illustrating  the  true  spirit 
of  democracy. 

It  seems  a  fellow  by  the  name  of  Ramsbottom, 
a  man-milliner  by  trade,  and  a  great  stickler  for  the 
rights  of  man,  had  taken  offence  at  a  neighbour  whose 
name  was  Higginbottom,  because  his  wife  had  at 
tempted  to  cheapen  a  crimped  tucker  at  his  shop,  and 
afterwards  reported  all  over  town  that  he,  Ramsbot 
tom,  sold  his  things  much  dearer  than  his  rival  man- 
milliner  over  the  way,  whose  name  was  Winterbot- 
tom,  and  whose  next  door  neighbour  was  one  Oddy. 
In  the  pure  spirit  of  democracy,  Ramsbottom  deter 
mined  to  dirk,  not  only  Higginbottom,  Winterbottorn, 
and  Oddy,  together  with  their  wives,  but  likewise  all 
the  little  Higginbottoms,  "Winterbottoms,  Oddys,  and 
little  Oddities.  It  was  several  years  before  Rams 
bottom  could  get  the  whole  party  together,  so  as  to 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  333 

make  one  job  of  it.  At  last,  after  an  interval  of 
about  ten  years,  he  collected  them  all  at  his  house,  to 
keep  their  Christmas-eve,  and  determined  then  and 
there  to  execute  his  diabolical  purpose.  It  would  ap 
pear,  however,  that  he  had  previously  changed  his 
mind  as  to  the  dirking,  probably  on  account  of  the 
trouble  of  killing  so  many,  one  after  the  other ;  for, 
just  as  they  were  all  up  to  the  eyes  in  a  Christmas- 
pie  made  of  four-and-twenty  blackbirds,  an  explosion 
took  place  —  the  house  blew  up,  and  every  soul, 
Ramsbottom,  Higginbottom,  Winterbottom,  Oddy, 
and  their  wives,  together  with  all  the  young  Rams- 
bottoms,  Higginbottoms,  Winterbottom s,  Oddys,  and 
Oddities,  were  scattered  in  such  invisible  atoms,  that 
not  a  vestige  of  them  was  ever  afterwards  discovered. 
Such  is  the  deadly  spirit  of  revengeful  ferocity  gene 
rated  in  the  polluted  sink  of  democracy.  The  des 
perado,  Ramsbottom,  who  was  considered  rather  a 
peaceable  person  among  these  barbarians,  scrupled 
not,  like  the  old  republican  Samson,  to  pull  down  de 
struction  on  his  own  head,  that  he  might  be  revenged 
on  a  poor  woman  for  cheapening  a  crimped  tucker. 

This  affair  set  the  people  talking  and  tippling  all 
night,  and  to  this  circumstance  I  ascribe  my  good 
fortune  in  escaping  being  robbed  and  murdered,  the 
usual  fate  of  strangers  whose  ill-fortune  detains  them 
at  this  place  after  dark.  In  the  morning  the  steam 
boat  stopped,  as  the  little  Frenchman  told  me  she 
would ;  and,  taking  the  precaution  to  inquire  whether 
she  was  going  North  or  South,  I  went  on  board. 
The  Yankee  Captain  saluted  me  with  a  good-hu 
moured  smile  enough,  and  observed,  "  You  are  going 
the  right  way  now;"  but  I  took  no  notice  of  his 


334  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

insolent  familiarity.  At  breakfast  I  was  seated  oppo 
site  a  dish  of  terrapin  soup,  and  next  to  a  fat  lady  of 
colour,  who  desired  me  to  help  her  to  some,  which  she 
devoured  with  infinite  satisfaction,  although  you  could 
distinguish  the  fingers  and  toes  of  the  poor  little  ter 
rapins,  as  plain  as  day.  I  could  not  stand  this  exhib 
ition  of  cannibalism,  but  rushed  on  deck  to  relieve 
my  oppressed  feelings.  That  these  white  republicans, 
destitute  as  they  are  of  all  traces  of  human  feeling, 
should  indulge  in  this  detestable  dish,  was  not  to  be 
wondered  at;  but  that  the  people  of  colour  should 
thus  commit  the  unnatural  crime  of  feeding  upon 
their  own  flesh  and  blood,  was  enough  to  deprive 
them  of  all  sympathy.  But  this  only  shows  the  force 
of  a  bad  example.  Looking  up  as  they  do  to  the 
whites,  as  their  superiors  in  every  respect,  they  natu 
rally  imitate  them  even  in  their  crimes,  and  eat  terra 
pin  soup  because  they  see  their  betters  do  it. 

During  the  passage  up  the  river  to  Philadelphia,  I 
was,  as  usual,  annoyed  by  the  obtrusive  impertinence 
of  the  spirit  of  democracy.  Having  fought  seven 
years  for  the  freedom  of  speech,  these  people  seem 
determined  to  enjoy  the  full  benefit  of  their  struggles. 
Morning,  noon,  and  night,  in  stage-coaches  and  steam 
boats,  they  will  talk,  whether  there  is  any  body  will 
ing  to  listen  or  not ;  and  one  reason  why  they  never 
go  to  church  is  that  they  would  there  be  under  the 
necessity  of  remaining  quiet  for  at  least  one  whole 
hour.  Strangers  in  particular  are  sure  to  be  specially 
annoyed  with  their  forward  loquacity ;  and  it  is  suffi 
cient  that  a  man  appears  to  be  a  foreigner,  and  to 
prefer  solitude,  to  ensure  his  being  intruded  upon  by 
some  one  of  these  talking  republicans.  If  you  won't 


JOHN  BULL  IN  A1MEKICA.  335 

tell  them  who  you  yourself  are,  what  is  your  business, 
where  you  came  from,  and  whither  you  are  going,  it 
is  all  one  to  them ;  they  will  turn  the  tables  upon  you, 
and  tell  you  their  own  story.  Nay,  rather  than  not 
talk,  they  would  enter  into  a  voluntary  confession  of 
murder,  and  plead  guilty  to  a  breach  of  the  whole 
decalogue.* 

One  of  the  most  inveterate  of  these  talkers  be 
leaguered  me  on  this  occasion.  "  I  reckon  you're  a 
stranger,"  said  he,  coming  up  to  where  I  was,  apart 
from  the  rest,  leaning  over  the  railing  as  usual,  pond 
ering  on  the  barbarity  and  wickedness  of  these  im 
maculate  republicans.  I  made  him  no  answer.  "  You 
don't  seem  to  be  one  of  our  people  ?  ",  continued  he, 
inquiringly.  No  answer.  "  I  guess  you're  an  Eng 
lishman."  This  fellow,  thought  I,  has  some  little 
cleverness;  he  has  observed  the  superiority  of  my 
dress  and  air.  "  What  makes  you  think  so  ?  ",  replied 
I,  in  a  tone  of  distant  condescension.  "  Why,  some 
how  or  other  you  English  always  seem  to  be  out  of 
sorts,  as  if  something  were  on  your  conscience  like. 
You  go  moping  and  moping  about  by  yourselves,  and 
if  any  body  speaks  to  you,  you  look  as  if  you  would 
eat  them  up.  Now  we  Yankees  think  there  is  no 
great  harm  in  speaking  to  any  man,  in  a  civil  way, 
and  that  a  civil  question  is  worth  a  civil  answer  any 
time." 

I  debated  a  moment  whether  I  should  turn  my 
back  upon  him,  pull  out  my  fifty-eighth  number 
of  the  Quarterly,  (which  I  had  procured  in  Philadel 
phia),  and  take  no  further  notice  of  this  fellow.  But, 
somehow  or  other,  I  did  not  like  his  looks.  He  was 

*  Vide  Quarterly. 


336  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

a  tall,  muscular  figure,  straight  as  an  arrow,  with  a 
keen,  large  eye,  and  an  air  of  insolent  independence, 
that  seemed  to  challenge  equality  with  any  man,  in 
spite  of  the  plain  simplicity  of  his  garments.  Besides, 
he  had  much  the  look  of  an  expert  gouger,  and  I 
thought  it  better  to  listen  to  his  impertinence  than 
lose  my  eyes. 

"And  so,"  said  I  at  last,  "  you  don't  like  us  Eng 
lishmen  ?  " 

"  Why,  I  can't  say  that  exactly ;  but  if  you  would 
not  take  such  pains  to  make  yourselves  disagreeable, 
we  should  like  you  a  great  deal  better.  We  have  had 
some  pretty  hard  brushes  with  you  to  be  sure,  but  we 
Yankees  are  a  people  that  soon  forget  injuries,  so  long 
as  you  don't  insult  us.  Now,  for  my  part,  I'd  rather 
a  man  would  cut  off  my  head  at  once  than  spit  in  my 
face.  We  don't  like  to*  be  insulted." 

"  But  who  insults  you  ?  " 

"Why,  I  don't  know  —  but  somehow  or  other  it 
strikes  me  that,  when  a  man  comes  into  a  strange 
country,  the  people  have  a  right  to  talk  to  him  civilly, 
and  it  is  rather  bad  manners  in  him  not  to  answer. 
It  looks  as  if  he  thought  himself  better  than  other 
people.  Now  we  Yankees  fought  seven  years  to  make 
ourselves  equal  to  any  people  on  earth,  and  what's  more 
we  are  determined  to  be  so,  let  what  will  happen." 

"  I'm  sure  nobody  prevents  you." 

"  Prevents  us !  No,  I  reckon  that  would  be  rather 
a  difficult  matter.  But  we  Yankees  can  tell  an  Eng 
lishman  half  a  mile  off,  by  his  being  so  shy.  He 
seems  as  if  he  was  too  good  to  be  spoken  to.  Now 
we  think  a  man  was  made  to  be  spoken  to,  or  else 
there  is  no  use  in  being  able  to  speak  at  all." 


JOHN  BULL  IN   AMERICA.  337 

"  Nobody  hinders  you  from  talking." 

"  True.  But  there  is  such  a  thing  as  not  being 
answered,  and  this,  as  I  said,  is  what  we  don't  like.  If 
we  ask  you  questions  about  yourselves  or  your  coun 
try,  it  is  a  proof  we  feel  some  curiosity  about  you  — 
and  if  we  tell  you  about  ourselves  and  our  affairs,  it  is 
that  we  don't  suspect  you  of  being  rogues  who  would 
take  advantage  of  us,  by  knowing  our  business." 

"  But  can't  a  man,  especially  in  this  free  country, 
take  his  choice  whether  he  shall  talk  or  be  silent  ?  " 

"  To  be  sure  he  can.  But  then,  when  he  takes  his 
choice  whether  to  answer  a  civil  question  or  not,  he 
must  also  take  his  choice  sometimes  whether  he  will 
be  knocked  down  or  not.  To  refuse  to  answer  a 
question  —  I  mean  a  question  put  in  a  civil  way,  and 
without  meaning  to  give  offence,  is  to  insult  the  man 
that  asks  it.  Now  what  can  be  done  with  a  man  who 
will  neither  answer  a  civil  question,  nor  resent  an  un 
civil  one  by  word  of  mouth  ?  There  is  but  one  way, 
and  that  is  to  knock  him  dowrn.  If  that  don't  make 
him  speak,  I  don't  know  what  will." 

An  excellent  method.  Here's  your  true  republican 
ethics,  thought  I  —  but  there  was  no  use  in  quarrel 
ling  with  the  fellow,  so  I  thought  it  best  to  humour 
him. 

"  And  so  you  don't  like  us  Englishmen  because -we 
don't  talk?" 

"  That  is  one  reason.  We  think  a  man  that  can't 
open  his  mouth  in  a  strange  country,  except  to  find 
fault  with  every  thing,  had  better  stay  at  home,  and. 
keep  himself  in  a  good  humour." 

"  Very  well.     Is  that  your  only  reason  ?  " 

"  Not  altogether.  You  go  home  and  tell  lies  about 
22 


338  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

us,  after  staying  at  our  houses,  and  being  treated  to 
the  best  that  we  have.  There  was,  last  spring  a  year 
ago,  a  fellow  that  fell  sick  at  my  house  of  an  ague  and 
fever,  and  staid  with  me  two  months  without  paying 
a  cent,  for  I  scorn  to  take  board  of  any  man.  Would 
you  believe  it !  He  wrote  a  book  when  he  went  back 
to  England,  wherein  he  said  my  home  was  as  dirty 
as  a  pig-pen  —  my  wife  a  slut  —  my  children  savages 
—  myself  a  pig-stealer —  and  my  country  a  den  of 
drunkards,  gougers,  thieves,  and  men-killers.  Ay,  and 
the  worst  of  it  was,  that  he  made  as  if  I  had  told 
him  so  myself,  and  so  belied  my  countrymen.  I  am 
neither  gouger,  dirker,  thief,  nor  man-killer,  but"  — 
and  here  his  eye  lightened  with  terrible  ferocity  —  "  if 
I  ever  meet  that  man  again  in  this  country,  there'll  be 
daylight  shining  through  somebody." 

"  And  so  then,  you  dislike  us  Englishmen  because 
we  won't  talk  to  you,  nor  praise  you  ?  " 

"  We  don't  want  you  to  praise  us  —  only  speak  of 
us  as  we  are  —  tell  the  truth,  the  whole  truth,  and 
nothing  but  the  truth.  It's  a  dirty  business  to  come 
here,  and  eat  and  drink  at  our  tables,  and  sleep  under 
our  roofs,  (perhaps,  sometimes,  in  the  same  room  with 
our  wives  and  children),  and  then  go  home  and  pub 
lish  to  the  world  that  we  have  neither  manners  nor 
decency,  because  we  did  not  send  you  to  lie  in  the 
woods  rather  than  receive  you  as  it  were  into  the  very 
bosoms  of  our  families.  For  my  part  I  should  be 
ashamed  to  look  my  dear  country  in  the  face,  did  I 
turn  a  stranger  from  my  door  because  I  had  no  where 
to  put  him  but  in  the  same  room  with  myself,  my 
wife,  and  my  children." 

"  Well,  but,"  said  I  in  a  soothing  tone,  "  you  should 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  339 

not  mind  what  these  people  say.  They  are  a  set  of 
low,  contemptible  fellows,  who  want  to  get  a  little 
money,  and  have  no  other  way  of  doing  it  but  by  tell 
ing  a  parcel  of  lies  to  please  the  vulgar." 

"  I  know  it.  But  still  it's  no  way  to  abuse  us,  and 
then  find  fault  with  us  for  not  liking  you.  Every 
man  in  the  United  States  is  a  part  of  his  country  as 
much  as  a  sailor  is  of  a  ship,  and  if  you  want  his 
friendship  you  must  not  run  her  down." 

"  But  to  return  to  the  subject  of  answering  ques 
tions.  You  Yankees  are  thought  to  be  rather  too 
much  given  to  the  practice  of  asking  them." 

"  Well,"  replied  he,  smiling,  and  showing  a  set  of 
teeth  white  as  snow,  "  I  believe  there  may  be  some 
thing  in  that.  But  the  truth  is,  we  take  an  interest 
in  every  thing  going  on  in  the  world,  and  we  like 
to  hear  the  news.  Then  we  frequently,  in  the  course 
of  our  lives,  change  our  professions  three  or  four 
times,  and  like  to  collect  all  we  can  from  strangers 
as  well  as  others,  in  the  way  of  information.  What 
is  of  no  use  to  the  farmer  or  tradesman,  may  come  in 
play  when  one  gets  to  be  a  member  of  Congress  or  a 
judge,  and  for  this  reason  a  man  wishes  to  learn  as 
much  as  possible  from  every-body  he  meets.  Most 
people  like  to  show  their  knowledge,  so  there  is  no 
offence  in  asking  questions  to  bring  it  out." 

I  began  to  be  tired  of  this  tall  fellow's  prating, 
and  to  get  rid  of  the  trouble  of  answering  his  ques 
tions,  rather  than  from  any  curiosity,  asked  him  con 
cerning  a  few  particulars,  which  led  to  the  following 
relation.  There  is  no  way  of  gaining  a  genuine 
Yankee's  heart  so  effectually  as  to  ask  him  for  the 
history  of  his  life  and  adventures.  They  are  all  Rob- 


340  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

inson  Crusoes  in  their  own  opinion,  and  never  lose  an 
opportunity  of  playing  the  hero  of  a  story,  even  if 
they  have  to  invent  it  themselves.* 

"  I  was  born  in  New  Hampshire ;  raised  in  the 
western  part  of  the  state  of  New  York  ;  married  in 
Ohio  ;  and  am  now  settled,  for  the  present,  in  the  state 
of  Missouri."  Jupiter !,  thought  I ;  the  man  has  trav 
elled  over  half  the  globe  in  three  lines.  "  I  have  been 
a  man  of  various  enterprise,  and  miscellaneous  occu 
pation.  At  seventeen  years  I  commenced  land-sur 
veyor  in  the  Genesee  country,  which  was  then 
something  of  a  wilderness,  and  hardly  afforded  me 
employment,  so  that  I  had  sufficient  leisure  to  visit 
my  native  town  and  get  married.  I  forgot  that 
neither  my  wife  nor  myself  were  worth  ten  dollars. 
However,  we  don't  forget  such  things  long,  that's  one 
comfort.  We  returned  to  Genesee  with  one  dollar  in 
my  pocket,  and  none  in  that  of  my  wife.  For  some 
time  I  did  not  make  much  money ;  but  then  we  had 
plenty  of  children,  which,  in  a  new  country,  are  better 
than  money.  However,  I  managed  to  save  a  little  every 
year,  with  the  intention  of  buying  a  few  hundred 
acres  of  land.  But  the  land  rose  in  price  faster  than  I 
made  money.  So  that  by  the  time  I  had  got  together 
five  hundred  dollars,  land  was  a  dollar  and  a  half  an 
acre.  This  won't  do  for  me,  thought  I;  but  just 
then  the  people  began  to  talk  of  Ohio,  where  land 
was  selling  at  that  time  for  two  and  sixpence  an 
acre.  <  Betsey,'  said  I, l  shall  we  go  to  Ohio  ? '  <  To 
the  end  of  the  world,  John,'  replied  she;  and  away 
we  scampered  the  next  day.  Here  I  bought  a  good 
stout  farm,  cut  down  some  trees  for  a  place  for  my 

*  Vide  Quarterly. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  341 

house,  girdled  others  for  a  place  for  my  wheat,  and 
built  a  log-house  twenty  feet  long  at  least.  People 
soon  flocked  round,  and  in  a  little  time  there  was  some 
occasion  for  law :  so  they  made  me  a  justice  of  the 
peace.  Not  long  after,  it  was  thought  but  proper  to 
introduce  a  little  religion :  so  I  took  to  reading  a  ser 
mon,  every  Sunday,  at  the  request  of  my  neighbours. 
By  and  by,  it  was  thought  prudent  to  embody  a  com 
pany  of  militia  for  protection  against  the  Indians :  so 
they  made  me  a  captain  of  militia.  In  a  year  or  two, 
there  was  a  town  laid  out  and  a  court-house  built. 
This  introduced  two  new  wants  —  that  of  a  judge 
and  a  town-treasurer :  so  they  made  me  a  judge,  and  a 
town-treasurer.  Then  followed,  as  a  matter  of  course, 
the  urgent  need  of  a  newspaper :  so  a  newspaper  was 
set  up,  and  I  volunteered  as  editor. 

"  These  honours  were  very  gratifying,  to  be  sure, 
but  all  this  time  my  family  was  increasing  both  in 
size  and  number.  I  had  six  girls  and  five  boys,  some 
of  them  six  feet  high.  I  began  to  be  uneasy  about 
providing  for  all  these.  I  had  only  sixteen  hundred 
acres  of  land,  and  that  was  not  enough  for  them  all. 
The  thought  struck  me  that  I  could  sell  it  for  enough 
to  buy  six  or  eight  thousand  in  Missouri  Territory. 
'  Betsey,'  said  I, ;  will  you  go  to  Missouri  ? '  l  To  the  end 
of  the  world,  John,'  said  the  brave  girl.  So,  the  next 
day  but  one,  we  hied  away  to  Missouri,  where  I  bought 
a  few  thousand  acres.  We  were  almost  alone  at  first ; 
but  in  a  year  or  two  people  came  faster  and  faster,  so 
that  from  a  Territory  we  became  a  State,  and  wanted 
members  of  Congress.  So  they  made  me  a  member 
of  Congress.  But  the  country  is  getting  too  thickly 
settled  for  me  —  and  I  think  next  year  of  moving  up 


342  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

the  river  five  or  six  hundred  miles,  to  get  out  of  the 
crowd.  I  am  now  on  my  way  to  Washington,  where 
I  mean  to  make  speeches  like  a  brave  fellow.  But 
see,  we  are  just  arrived,  and  I  must  look  to  my  bag 
gage."  He  then  shook  me  by  the  hand,  and  gave  me  a 
hearty  invitation  to  come  and  see  him  next  summer, 
when  I  should  probably  find  him  somewhere  about 
the  mouth  of  the  Yellowstone.  I  thanked  him,  as 
in  duty  bound,  and  so  we  parted. 

This  wandering  Gentile  may  stand  for  the  whole 
progeny  of  democracy.  Such  is  their  utter  indiffer 
ence  to  home  and  all  its  delightful  associations,  that, 
rather  than  stay  there  and  get  upon  the  parish,  they 
will  leave  their  kindred,  friends,  and  household  gods, 
to  herd  with  Indians  and  buffaloes  in  the  pathless 
wilderness.  If  they  cannot  live  in  one  place,  they  try 
another :  if  they  cannot  thrive  by  one  trade,  they  turn 
to  another ;  and  so  ring  the  changes  until  they  suc 
ceed  at  last.  Hence,  as  a  natural  consequence,  they 
turn  drunkards,  swearers,  dirkers,  spitters,  bundlers, 
gougers,  and  blasphemers,  caring  neither  for  God  nor 
man,  and  finally  sink  into  the  polluted  pool  of  dia 
bolical  democracy,  a  prey  to  bitter  remorse  and  con 
suming  recollections.* 

I  am  reminded,  by  the  familiarity  of  this  back 
woodsman,  of  the  filthy  republican  practice  of  shak 
ing  hands,  which  prevails  in  this  country.  Such  is 
their  insolent  familiarity,  originating  doubtless  in  the 
turbulent  spirit  of  democracy,  that  the  most  ragged 
genius  that  labours  in  the  streets  or  fields  will  thrust 
forth  his  brawny  paw  to  shake  hands  with  the  Presi 
dent  himself,  who  would  be  considered  unworthy  of 

*  vide  Quarterly. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  343 

his  station  if  he  declined  this  insolent  familiarity.  If 
two  strangers  happen  to  travel  together  two  or  three 
days  in  a  stage,  they  cannot  part  without  shaking 
hands ;  and  this  insufferable  assurance  extends  so  far, 
that  I  have  been  actually  more  than  once  insulted  by 
being  offered  the  hand  of  a  landlord  at  whose  house  I 
happened  to  sojourn  for  a  few  days.  On  being  intro 
duced  to  a  person,  no  matter  how  inferior,  he  would 
feel  himself  terribly  affronted,  and  ten  to  one  gouge 
you,  if  you  declined  his  offered  hand.  Such  is  the 
vulgar  hail-fellow-well-met  familiarity  engendered  by 
the  possession  of  equal  rights  and  the  absence  of  a 
king  and  nobility  to  teach  the  people  their  proper  dis 
tance.* 

When  I  came  to  pay  my  fare,  the  captain,  with  a 
smile  of  unpardonable  insolence,  declined  to  receive 
it,  observing,  that  as  I  had  gone  up  the  river  with  him 
by  mistake,  he  could  not  in  conscience  charge  any 
thing  for  bringing  me  back  again.  I  had  no  doubt 
that  he  did  this  merely  to  escape  the  consequences  of 
having  put  me  to  the  expense  and  inconvenience  of 
twice  travelling  thirty  or  forty  miles.  But  I  was  re 
solved  not  to  let  him  off  so  easily ;  and  accordingly, 
the  moment  I  landed,  inquired  the  way  to  a  magis 
trate.  I  found  this  worthy  seated  in  his  office,  which, 
judging  from  appearances,  must  have  been  at  no  dis 
tant  date,  a  stable  or  a  pig-sty.  His  worship,  before  I 
could  open  my  business,  desired  me  to  wait  a  little, 

"  and  be  d d  to  you,"  till  he  was  at  leisure.     It 

seems  he  was  receiving  the  report  of  Master  Con 
stable,  who  had  been  out  on  a  scouting  party.  The 
following  dialogue  passed  between  them  :  — 

*  Vide  Quarterly  Review. 


344  JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA. 

"  Well,  Simon,  where  are  your  prisoners  ?  " 

"  I  caught  them."  It  would  have  been  too  much 
for  the  spirit  of  equality  to  have  added,  "  your  wor 
ship." 

"  Well,  what  did  you  do  with  them  ?  " 

"  I  gave  the  defendant  fifteen  lashes." 

"  And  what  did  you  do  with  the  plaintiff?  " 

"  I  gave  him  fifteen  lashes  too." 

"  And  what  did  you  do  with  the  person  who  laid 
the  information  ?  " 

"  Why,  I  gave  him  twenty-five  lashes  for  giving  us 
so  much  trouble." 

"  You  did  right,"  said  his  worship ;  "  these  rascals 
ought  to  be  discouraged." 

I  began  to  commune  with  myself,  that  if  this  was 
the  republican  mode  of  administering  justice,  the  less 
I  had  of  it  the  better.  After  hesitating  a  moment, 
whether  it  was  worth  while  to  receive  twenty-five 
lashes  for  the  pleasure  of  seeing  the  captain  get 
fifteen,  and  finding  the  balance  rather  against  me,  I 
made  his  worship  a  low  bow,  and  departed  without 
further  ceremony.  In  going  out  I  heard  his  worship 
say  to  Simon  — "  Curse  that  fellow ;  if  I  was  not 
just  now  engaged  on  a  pig-stealing  party  with  the 
mayor  and  aldermen,  I'd  lay  him  by  the  heels."  * 

*  Vide  Quarterly. 


JOHN  BULL  IN   AMERICA.  345 

x?Sr*w  *'**#f 


CHAPTER  XVI. 


Author's  malediction  on  Philadelphia  —  Quarterly  —  Is  again  beleaguered  by 
a  modest  republican  —  Their  conversation  —  Various  accidents  and  lucky 
escapes  at  Natchitocb.es,  Vincennes,  Utica,  Vandalia,  Tombigbee  —  Big 
and  Little  Sandy,  Big  and  Little  Muddy,  and  Big-Dry,  Rivers  —  Arrival 
at  Baltimore — Insolence  of  the  Baltimoreans  —  Buys  a  horse  and  sulky, 
to  escape  the  intrusion  of  the  spirit  of  democracy  —  Terrible  picture  of 
slavery  —  Pine  woods  —  Stops  at  a  lone  house,  which  turns  out  to  be  the 
rendezvous  of  banditti  —  Providential  escape  — Leaves  his  watch  behind 

—  Despatches  Pompey  —  Pompey's  account  of  his  mission  to  Old  Hobby 

—  Arrival  at  Washington. 

LEAVING  my  malediction  upon  the  city,  the  people, 
the  magistracy,  and  every  living  thing  else  within  it,  I 
departed  from  Philadelphia,  as  usual  out  of  humour 
with  the  world,  and  disgusted  with  the  whole  clan  of 
immaculate  republicans.  As  wre  were  rapidly  passing 
up  the  river  towards  the  South,  I  retired  as  far  from 
every-body  as  I  could,  and  sat  down  to  look  over  the 
fifty-eighth  number  of  the  Quarterly,  in  order  to  re 
fresh  my  memory  with  some  of  the  most  striking 
beauties  of  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democracy.  But, 
go  where  you  will,  it  is  impossible  to  keep  clear  of 
the  intrusion  of  these  free  and  easy  republicans. 
While  thus  occupied,  one  of  the  most  decently  dressed 
and  respectable  republicans  I  had  hitherto  seen,  came 
walking  back  and  forth,  passing  and  repassing  before 
me.  I  laid  down  my  book  and  went  into  the  cabin 
for  a  moment,  to  get  my  handkerchief  which  I  had 
left  there,  and  which  I  found  exactly  in  the  same 
place.  This  I  mention  as  one  of  the  wonders  of  this 
new  world. 

Returning  to  my  post,  I  found  this  modest  gentle- 


346  JOHN  BULL   IN  AMERICA. 

man  had  taken  up  my  book  and  was  turning  over  the 
leaves ;  but  he  condescended  to  return  it  to  me,  with 
an  apology  for  the  liberty  he  had  taken. 

"  I  felt  some  anxiety  to  see  it,"  said  he, "  as  I  per 
ceive  it  contains  the  article  on  Mr.  Faux's  Travels, 
which  was  omitted  in  the  republication  here." 

"  Indeed ! "  replied  I,  with  cool  indifference ;  "  pray 
what  was  the  cause  of  the  omission  ?  " 

"  I  understand  it  contained  certain  libellous  pas 
sages  concerning  a  respectable  gentleman  in  this 
country,  and  his  connexions.  For  my  part,  I  think  it 
ought  to  have  been  preserved.  A  criticism  degenerat 
ing  into  a  string  of  libels  is  a  curiosity  peculiar  to  the 
present  refined  age  of  literature." 

"  The  greater  the  truth,  the  greater  the  libel,"  said 
I.  "  Your  countrymen  I  hope  are  not  afraid  or 
ashamed  of  the  truth." 

"  No,  not  when  we  can  get  it  pure  and  unmixed. 
But  sketches,  at  best  degenerating  into  caricature,  and, 
for  the  most  part,  drawn  from  the  very  worst  speci 
mens  of  manners,  and  by  persons  animated  by  the 
worst  feelings  of  hostility,  who  have  not  even  the  dis 
cretion  to  hide  their  malignity,  are  not  subjects  of 
very  pleasing  contemplation,  certainly." 

I  took  up  the  book,  and,  opening  it  at  the  review  of 
Faux,  began  questioning  the  man  as  follows,  making 
it  my  text. 

"  Can  you  deny,  sir,  that  it  is  the  very  nature  of  a 
democracy  to  make  men  turbulent,  ill-mannered,  fero 
cious,  drunken,  beastly,  and  rude  to  the  last  de 
gree?"* 

"  I  have  in  some  measure  brought  this  discussion 

*  Vide  No.  68,  Eng.  ed. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  347 

on  my  head,"  replied  he  with  a  smile,  "  and  will  an 
swer  you  as  I  should  not  under  other  circumstances. 
—  Cast  your  eyes  around  the  deck ;  there  are  probably 
seventy,  perhaps  a  hundred,  persons,  in  sight.  They 
come  in  all  likelihood  from  almost  every  section  of 
the  United  States,  and  are  of  different  grades,  sta 
tions,  occupations,  and  education.  Do  you  see  any 
one  drunk?" 

I  looked  around,  and,  though  the  deck  was  covered 
with  men,  women,  and  children,  wallowing  like  swine 
in  the  filth  of  debauchery,  replied,  "  why  —  no  —  I 
can't  say  I  do  exactly ; "  being  resolved  to  hear  what 
the  gentleman  had  to  say  for  himself. 

"  Do  you  observe  any  appearance  of  turbulence, 
rudeness,  ferocity,  or  indecency  ?  " 

Just  then  a  couple  of  deacons  set  to,  and  gouged 
out  each  other's  eyes ;  but  I  was  resolved  to  see  noth 
ing,  and  replied  — 

"  None  in  the  least" 

"  Do  you  suppose,  sir,  that  if  this  drunkenness, 
rudeness,  turbulence,  ferocity,  this  dirking,  gouging, 
swearing,  and  impiety,  were  so  universal  a  character 
istic  as  the  Quarterly  is  pleased  to  affirm,  there  would 
not  be  some  examples  exhibited  here  among  so  many 
persons,  of  such  various  occupations  and  characters 
coming  from  all  parts  of  the  United  States  ?  " 

"  Of  course,  of  course,"  said  I,  with  a  glance  direct 
ing  his  attention  to  a  fellow  who  had  just  dirked  his 
second  cousin  and  thrown  him  overboard.  But  my 
gentleman  kept  his  countenance  in  a  manner  worthy 
a  true  disciple  of  brazen  democracy. 

"  I  will  not  pretend  to  deny,"  continued  this  intoler 
able  proser,  "  that  our  people  have  something  of  the 


348  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

wild  flavour  about  them,  or  that  they  partake  in  some 
degree  of  the  imperfections  incident  to  their  history 
and  situation.  Let  your  travellers  tell  us  of  these 
in  the  spirit  of  friendly  admonition,  and  note  our 
good  qualities  as  liberally  as  they  reprobate  our  faults. 
Accustomed  as  Europeans  are  to  a  world  a  little  on 
the  wane,  they  are  too  apt  to  mistake  the  manly  frank 
ness  of  freemen  for  a  forward  impudence,  and  to 
confound  the  virtues  of  independence  of  spirit  with 
the  opposite  vices  of  a  freedom  from  all  salutary  re 
straints.  Exemption  from  that  sense  of  inferiority 
which  makes  the  subjects  of  a  monarch  pay  such 
abject  deference  to  rank  and  wealth  is  too  often  mis 
taken  for  rudeness ;  and  thus  the  very  feeling  of  per 
sonal  independence,  which  is  essential  to  the  preserva 
tion  of  freedom,  is  laid  to  our  charge  as  a  proof  of 
barbarism  and  ferocity.  But,"  continued  he,  smiling, 
"  if  perchance  you  are  a  traveller  of  the  literary  class, 
I  may  some  time  hence  figure  in  your  book  as  an  ex 
ample  of  that  inveterate  love  of  talking  which  has 
been  ascribed  to  our  people.  I  shall  therefore  con 
clude  by  observing  that  the  difference  is,  that  our 
world  is  not  quite  ripe,  and  yours  is  somewhat  de 
cayed.  We  think  our  world  is  the  better  for  blooming 
in  all  the  freshness  of  youth ;  while  you  appear  to  be 
of  opinion  that  your  world,  like  a  cheese,  is  the  better 
for  being  a  little  rotten."  He  then  slightly  bowed  and 
left  me,  before  I  had  time  to  make  a  cutting  reply. 
But  I  was  determined  to  pay  him  off  at  a  proper 
time. 

After  passing  through  the  towns  of  Natchitoches, 
Vincennes,  Utica,  Vandalia,  and  Tombigbee,  and 
crossing  the  Big-Sandy  and  Little-Sandy,  not  forget- 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  349 

ting  the  Big- Muddy  and  Little- Muddy,  rivers — (did 
ever  Christian  man  hear  such  names !)  — we  arrived  at 
the  great  city  of  Baltimore.  I  should  not  omit  to 
mention  that  I  was  robbed  at  Natchitoches,  gouged  at 
Utica,  roasted  at  a  log-fire  in  Vandalia,  and  dirked 
at  Tombigbee.  Besides  these  accidents,  I  was  all  but 
drowned  in  Big-Dry  River,  but  luckily  escaped  by  its 
having  no  water  in  it.  This  was  a  pretty  tolerable 
chapter  of  accidents  for  one  day,  and  may  serve  as  an 
antidote  to  the  delusions  of  transatlantic  speculation, 
the  seductions  of  Mr.  Birkbeck,  and  the  democratic 
slang  of  Miss  Wright,  Capt.  Hall,  and  the  rest  of  the 
radical  fry  of  democracy,  as  the  Quarterly  says.* 

It  was  my  intention  to  spend  two  or  three  days 
at  Baltimore,  but,  happening  to  take  a  walk  on  the 
morning  of  my  arrival,  I  encountered  a  monument 
purporting  to  have  been  erected  to  the  memory  of 
certain  persons  who  fell  in  an  action  with  the  British 
in  the  late  war,  in  which  the  latter  were  defeated,  and 
their  commander,  Gen.  Ross,  was  killed.  There  was 
no  standing  this  insolent  exhibition  of  republican 
vanity,  and  I  determined  to  stay  no  longer  in  a  place 
where  such  studied  attempts  are  made  to  mortify  the 
feelings  of  Englishmen,  and  perpetuate  hostility  be 
tween  the  two  nations.  There  is  also  another  monu 
ment  going  up  here  to  the  memory  of  the  rebel 
Washington,  an  additional  proof  of  the  justice  with 
which  this  place  has  been  denounced  as  the  very  sink 
of  democracy.  Accordingly  I  bought  a  horse  and 
sulky,  being  resolved  for  the  future  to  travel  by  my 
self,  in  order  to  get  rid  of  the  impertinent  intrusions 
of  these  free  and  easy  republicans  and  enjoy  my  own 

*  Vide  No.  58,  Eng.  ed. 


350  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

company  unmolested.  For  this  purpose  I  crossed 
over  to  the  Eastern  shore  of  Maryland,  and  travelled 
on  a  by-road  to  the  city  of  Washington. 

I  thought  the  negroes  were  ill-enough-off  in  New- 
England,  but  it  was  nothing  to  what  I  saw  here.  The 
road  was  lined  on  each  side  with  naked  negroes  beg 
ging  for  charity,  this  being  their  only  refuge  from 
absolute  starvation,  as  their  masters  allow  them  noth 
ing.  Instead  of  scarecrows  to  frighten  the  birds  from 
the  corn,  you  generally  see  negroes  hung  up  in  the 
fields  for  that  purpose.  I  cut  one  poor  fellow  down 
just  in  time  to  save  his  life,  and  on  inquiring  the 
cause  of  his  being  thus  inhumanly  punished,  he  told 
me  his  only  offence  was  eating  a  piece  of  mouldy 
bread  which  he  found  one  day  in  the  cupboard !  Yet 
such  is  the  force  of  habit,  that  this  miserable  wretch, 
instead  of  thanking  me  for  saving  his  life,  skipped 
over  a  six -rail  fence,  joined  a  party  of  blacks  at  work 
in  the  field,  and  struck  in  with  might  and  main  in 
the  songs  they  were  singing !  I  thought  of  the  fable 
of  the  swan  singing  in  the  agonies  of  death,  and 
drove  on. 

Towards  evening,  the  road  led  through  a  country 
of  thick  melancholy  pines,  which  deepened  the  ap 
proaching  gloom ;  and  the  houses  became  farther  and 
farther  separated.  I  had  now  proceeded  several  miles 
without  seeing  a  habitation,  or  meeting  a  single  hu 
man  being.  The  night  was  fast  approaching,  and  I 
began  to  anticipate  a  lodging  in  the  woods,  when,  to 
my  great  joy,  I  saw  a  light  gleaming,  or  flickering,  at 
fitful  intervals,  through  the  branches  of  the  trees.  As 
I  approached,  I  could  distinguish  by  the  help  of  the 
moon,  which  now  rose  in  cloudless  majesty,  a  desolate, 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  351 

dilapidated  mansion,  the  windows  of  which  were  for 
the  most  part  broken,  and  the  walls  half  in  ruins. 
Two  or  three  dogs  saluted  me  as  I  rode  up,  with  a 
republican  growl.  They  were  silenced  by  a  shrill 
voice,  crying,  "Be  quiet  Nap  —  get  out  Caesar,  you 
villain."  The  dogs  obeyed  the  command,  and  sneaked 
away. 

"  Who's  there  ?  ",  continued  the  voice. 

"  A  traveller,"  replied  I,  "  who  is  benighted,  and  in 
want  of  food  as  well  as  rest.  Can  you  accommodate 
me  for  the  night  ?  " 

Here  was  a  pause  of  a  minute,  during  which  the 
female  went  into  the  house  to  consult  the  master,  as  I 
supposed,  for  at  the  expiration  of  that  time  a  man 
came  forth,  and  in  a  hoarse  voice  said  to  me, 

"  We  can  give  you  a  bed  and  supper,  such  as  they 
are.  Alight  sir,  and  my  boys  will  see  to  your  horse." 

I  accordingly  entered  the  house  through  a  door 
which  opened  directly  into  a  large  room,  at  one  end 
of  which  there  was  a  brisk  fire  which  served  instead 
of  candles.  "  Sit  down,"  said  the  old  man,  handing 
me  a  straw-bottomed  chair,  "  and  we  will  see  what 
we  can  get  you  for  supper."  Then,  raising  his  voice, 
he  cried  —  "  Clementina !  " 

"  I'm  coming,  daddy,"  answered  somebody,  and 
forthwith  in  came  Clementina,  a  damsel  of  at  least 
six  feet  in  her  stockings.  She  looked  like  a  sibyl,  with 
eyes  black  as  a  coal  and  wild  as  those  of  an  antelope, 
and  long  lank  hair,  glossy  and  straight,  hanging  about 
her  neck  and  shoulders.  I  confess  I  felt  rather  odd 
at  seeing  her,  but  my  feelings  were  nothing  to  those 
which  rushed  over  me  on  entrance  of  the  two  602/5, 
as  the  old  man  called  them.  They  were  at  least 


352  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

seven  feet  high,  raw-boned,  and  savage  in  their  aspect ; 
with  nothing  on  them  but  a  linen  shirt  and  trowsers. 
Though  I  came  in  a  fashionable  gig,  and  was  dressed 
in  the  most  fashionable  travelling-costume,  they  seemed 
not  to  feel  the  least  embarrassment  in  my  presence, 
but  took  chairs  and  sat  down  at  my  side  with  the 
genuine  air  of  republican  insolence.  I  tried  all  I 
could  to  look  dignified,  but  in  spite  of  myself  could 
not  repress  certain  apprehensions,  which  gradually 
came  over  me,  and  undermined  my  sense  of  superi 
ority.  The  old  man  and  his  wife,  who,  by  the  way, 
though  apparently  advanced  in  years,  were  as  tall 
and  as  straight  as  the  children,  asked  me  a  great  many 
questions  in  the  way  of  guessing  and  reckoning, 
while  Clementina  bestirred  herself  in  preparing  and 
bringing  in  the  supper. 

When  it  was  ready  they  all  sat  down  without  cere 
mony,  and  with  as  little  ado  invited  me  to  follow  their 
example.  Here  was  a  practical  illustration  of  the 
blessings  of  equality;  but  I  was  determined  to  put 
up  with  their  insolence  for  one  night.  The  supper 
consisted  of  loads  of  meat,  ham,  venison,  and  game 
of  various  kinds,  in  quantities  sufficient  to  feast  an 
army.  I  began  to  sum  up  the  probable  amount  of 
my  bill,  as  I  concluded  I  should  have  to  pay  for  the 
feasting  of  the  whole  family,  and  for  what  was  left 
besides.  "  Help  yourself,"  said  the  old  man,  "  and 
don't  be  a  stranger — I'm  sorry  we  have  nothing 
better  —  but  you're  heartily  welcome."  Most  people 
are  welcome,  thought  I,  for  their  money ;  but  I  said 
nothing. 

"  We  cannot  afford  tea  and  coffee,"  continued  the 
old  man,  "  but  here  is  some  old  whiskey  that  I  hope 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  353 

you  will  like.     Come,  help  yourself,  and  here's  to  Old 
Hickory." 

My  stomach  turned  at  the  very  smell  of  this  execra 
ble  beverage ;  but,  recollecting  the  republican  custom 
of  roasting  their  particular  friends  by  a  log-fire  for 
refusing  to  drink,  I  thought  fit  to  help  myself  and 
make  as  if  I  drank.  In  this  way  supper  passed  off 
smoothly  enough,  and  the  old  man  then  directed 
Clementina  to  make  arrangements  for  the  night. 
"  You  boys  will  be  obliged  to  give  up  your  room  to 
the  stranger,  and  Clementina  will  make  you  up  a 
shake-down  in  the  corner  here."  While  this  was  doing, 
I  amused,  or  rather  perplexed,  myself  in  looking  about 
the  room,  and  wondering  where  these  people  could 
procure  such  luxuries  as  venison  and  wild  game. 
But,  as  the  light  flashed  in  a  remote  and  obscure  cor 
ner  on  one  side  of  the  fireplace,  I  was  struck  with 
horror  at  seeing  three  rifles  hanging  one  below  the 
other  upon  hooks  fixed  in  the  wall.  The  whole  truth 
flashed  upon  me  at  once.  I  am  in  a  den  of  banditti, 
thought  I,  and  my  moments  are  numbered.  They 
will  murder  me  to-night,  and  none  will  know  my 
wretched  fate.  The  old  man  will  lay  out  all  my  money 
to-morrow  in  whiskey  —  the  boys  will  go  a  courting 
in  my  new  gig,  dressed  in  my  dandy  coats,  and  Clem 
entina  will  figure  in  my  patent  corsets.  I  burst  into 
tears  at  the  awful  anticipation. 

"  What  ails  you  ?  ",  said  the  old  man. 

"  Maybe  he  has  got  the  stomach-ache,"  quoth  the 
old  hag,  who  now  began  to  look  just  like  one  of  the 
Great  Unknown's  remarkable  old  women. 

"  Take  a  little  more  whiskey,"  said  Clementina, 
with  a  look  of  diabolical  tenderness. 

23 


354  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

At  first  I  was  going  to  reject  it  with  infinite  con 
tempt  ;  but,  on  second  thoughts,  and  considering  what 
I  had  to  go  through  that  night,  I  determined  to  fortify 
myself  with  Dutch  courage  after  the  manner  of  the 
Yankees ;  and,  if  I  must  die,  die  like  immortal  Caesar, 
with  decorum. 

"  Your  bed  is  got  ready,"  said  Clementina ;  but  I 
determined  to  sit  up  and  defer  my  fate  as  long  as  pos 
sible.  They  now  began  to  yawn,  and  one  after  the 
other  retired,  wishing  me  good  night,  until  decency 
obliged  me  to  follow  their  example.  My  room  opened 
directly  from  that  in  which  we  were  sitting,  and  where 
the  two  boys  were  to  sleep,  no  doubt,  as  I  felt  assured, 
to  be  handy  for  murdering  me.  I  retired  to  my  room, 
the  door  of  which  I  attempted  to  fasten ;  but  there  was 
nothing  but  a  latch.  I  looked  at  the  sheets,  but  they 
were  white  as  snow,  Clementina  having,  as  I  con 
cluded,  taken  the  precaution  to  pick  out  a  pair  not 
stained  with  blood,  so  as  not  to  alarm  me.  I  looked 
under  the  bed,  and  discovered  something  that  greatly 
resembled  a  trap-door,  with  leathern  hinges. 

This  discovery  overset  me  entirely.  I  paced  my 
room  to  and  fro,  and  listened  in  breathless  anxiety  to 
every  sound.  If  a  mouse  stirred,  my  heart  leaped  into 
my  throat.  I  heard  the  owl  and  the  whippoorwill, 
those  ill-omened  birds,  screeching  and  flapping  their 
wings  at  my  window,  and  mingling  their  warnings 
with  the  distant  howlings  of  half-famished  wolves.  I 
was  determined  not  to  lie  down,  for  fear  of  going  to 
sleep ;  and  at  length,  to  while  away  the  time,  took  up 
the  fifty-eighth  number  of  the  Quarterly.  But  this 
only  added  to  my  boding  apprehensions.  As  I  read 
of  the  gougings,  bundlings,  dirkings,  and  guessings; 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  355 

of  roasting  alive  on  red-hot  log-fires  —  of  ten  dollars 
being  the  price  of  a  man's  life  in  this  country  —  and 
of  all  the  diabolical  horrors  of  turbulent  democracy  — 
my  spirit  failed  me,  and  I  sunk  insensible  on  the 
floor. 

How  long  I  remained  in  this  unconscious  state  I 
cannot  say ;  but  I  was  roused  at  length  by  a  noise  of 
mingled  bowlings,  barkings,  cacklings,  and  Growings, 
that  entered  my  very  soul.  Presently  after  I  heard  a 
stirring  in  the  next  room,  and  a  light  shone  through 
my  keyhole.  It  is  ah1  over  with  me  now,  thought  I  — 
my  time  is  come.  "  Now  I  lay  me  down  to  sleep," 
said  I  to  myself,  and  waited  in  silent  resignation. 
At  length  I  ventured  to  look  through  the  key-hole,  and 
saw  a  sight  that  froze  me  into  horror.  The  two 
young  bandits  had  taken  down  their  rifles,  and  while 
loading  them  the  following  dialogue  passed  in  whis 
pers  :  — 

"  D n  him  but  I'll  do  his  business ;  I'U  give  him 

his  bitters." 

"  Hush ! "  replied  the  other ;  "  you'll  wake  the  gentle 
man." 

Again  there  was  a  confused  noise  of  howling,  bark 
ing,  and  cackling,  without.  "  Now  is  our  time,"  said 
one ;  and  both  of  them  made,  not  for  my  door,  but 
out  of  that  which  led  into  the  yard.  I  breathed  again 
for  a  moment,  until  I  heard  two  guns  fired  at  a  little 
distance.  They  are  murdering  some  poor  unfortunate 
travellers,  thought  I,  and  my  time  will  come  next.  In 
about  half  an  hour  they  returned,  and  threw  some 
thing,  that  fell  like  a  dead  heavy  weight,  on  the  floor. 

"  By  G — d  we've  done  for  him  at  last,"  said  one ; 
"  the  rascal  fought  like  a  tiger.  Let's  strip  the  gentle 
man  of  his  hide." 


356  JOHN  BULL  IN   AMERICA. 

"  No,  no,"  replied  the  other,  "  wait  till  — "  here  his 
voice  sunk,  and  I  could  only  guess  at  what  was 
meant.  I  grew  desperate,  and  tried  to  push  up  the 
window,  but  it  was  fastened  down  with  nails,  to  make 
all  sure,  and  prevent  my  escaping  that  way.  I  tried 
the  trap-door,  but  it  turned  out  to  be  no  trap-door  at 
all.  I  listened  again,  but  by  this  time  all  was  silent 
in  the  next  room.  A  moment  after  I  heard  the  voice 
of  the  old  man  calling  his  "  boys,"  and  perceived,  to 
my  astonishment,  that  the  sun  was  just  peeping  above 
the  eastern  horizon.  Daylight,  which  emboldens  the 
innocent,  appals  the  guilty,  and  I  now  felt  myself 
safe.  I  came  out  of  my  room,  with  an  air  as  uncon 
cerned  as  possible,  and  was  received  as  if  nothing  had 
happened. 

"  Good  morning,  good  morning,"  said  the  impudent 
old  republican ;  "  I  am  afraid  you  was  disturbed  last 
night.  The  boys  were  out  after  a  bear  that  has  beat 
up  our  quarters  several  times.  But  he'll  never  come 
again,  I  reckon.  Isn't  he  a  whopper  ?  ",  continued  he, 
pointing  to  the  carcass  in  a  corner.  A  happy  turn, 
thought  I,  but  I'm  not  to  be  humbugged  by  a  cock- 
and-bull  story.  They  pressed  me  to  stay  to  breakfast, 
but  I  was  resolved  not  to  trust  myself  a  moment 
longer  with  these  banditti,  and  requested  them  to  get 
my  gig  ready  as  soon  as  possible.  In  the  mean  time 
I  asked  the  old  man  for  his  bill. 

"  We  don't  keep  a  tavern,"  said  he. 

"  I  know  that,"  replied  I  significantly ;  "  but  you 
will  take  something  for  your  trouble?" 

"  Not  a  cent  —  every  stranger  that  comes  here  is 
welcome  to  what  I  can  offer.  I  have  little  money,  but 
a  plenty  of  every  thing  else ;  and  it  is  not  often  we 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  357 

have  the  pleasure  of  a  stranger's  company  in  this  out- 
of-the-way  place.  You  are  heartily  welcome  to  your 
bed  and  supper,  and  will  be  still  more  so  if  you  will 
stay  to  breakfast." 

His  refusal  to  take  pay  was  another  proof,  if  any 
had  been  wanting,  of  the  profession  followed  by  this 
awful  family.  Banditti  are  always  above  taking 
money  that  is  honestly  their  due,  and  require  the  zest 
of  a  little  murder  and  bloodshed  to  make  it  worth 
having.  I  bade  them  good-morrow  with  very  little 
ceremony,  and  set  off  in  a  brisk  trot ;  but  before  I  had 
got  a  quarter  of  a  mile  I  heard  some  one  hallooing, 
and,  looking  back,  perceived  one  of  the  young  giants 
coming  after  me  in  a  pair  of  seven-league  boots,  as  it 
appeared  by  his  speed.  I  concluded  they  had  re 
pented  having  spared  my  life,  and  had  sent  this  fine  boy 
to  despatch  me  after  all.  Under  this  impression  I  put 
my  horse  on  his  mettle,  and  soon  distanced  the  fellow, 
notwithstanding  his  seven-league  boots.  I  rode  ten 
miles  without  stopping,  being  determined  to  get  out 
of  the  very  atmosphere  of  this  nest  of  banditti,  if  pos 
sible. 

By  this  time  I  was  hungry,  and  conceiving  myself 
pretty  safe  from  any  immediate  pursuit,  stopped  at  an 
inn  of  tolerable  appearance.  The  landlord,  according 
to  the  custom  of  the  country,  took  the  first  opportunity 
to  ask  a  few  dozen  questions,  ending  with,  "  Pray 
what  o'clock  is  it  ?  "  I  told  him  I  didn't  know,  for  I 
was  resolved  not  to  satisfy  his  impertinent  curiosity. 
"  O,  ay,"  said  he,  "  I  see  you  haven't  any  watch."  On 
examination  I  found  this  was  but  too  true,  and  it  at 
once  occurred  to  my  recollection  that  I  had  left  it  at  the 
den  of  the  banditti  in  the  forest.  I  asked  mine  host  if 


358  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

he  knew  these  people,  describing  them  and  their  estab 
lishment. 

"  What,  old  Hobby,  that  lives  in  the  Pines,  about 
ten  miles  off?  Know  him  ?  Lord  bless  your  heart, 
every-body  knows  him" 

I  then  condescended  to  tell  him  of  my  misfortune, 
and  desired  to  know  how  I  could  get  my  watch  again. 
He  answered,  very  shrewdly,  that  I  had  only  to  go 
back  for  it.  But  I  would  not  have  trusted  myself 
there  again  for  twenty  watches.  I  told  him  I  did  not 
like  the  trouble  of  going  back  so  far,  but  would  pay 
any  person  reasonably  that  would  ride  over  and  get  it 
for  me.  A  bargain  was  struck  with  Pompey,  the 
black  boy,  in  which  it  was  covenanted  that  the  said 
Pompey,  on  returning  with  my  watch  in  the  space  of 
three  hours,  should  receive  from  me  a  silver  dollar  for 
his  pains.  Pompey  accordingly  mounted  a  raw-boned 
courser  —  fastened  a  rusty  spur  to  his  bare  heel  — 
departed  at  full  gallop  —  and  returned  with  my  watch 
in  less  than  two  hours  and  a  half. 

"  Did  they  refuse  the  watch,  Pompey  ?  "  said  I. 

"  No !  "  replied  Pompey  with  a  grin. 

"  What  did  they  say  ?  " 

"  They  said,"  replied  Pompey,  wonderfully  enlarg 
ing  his  grin,  "  that  Massa  was  the  drollest  man  they 
ever  see  in  all  their  born  days." 

I  felt  no  curiosity  to  inquire  their  reasons  for  this 
complimentary  opinion,  but  paid  Pompey  his  dollar, 
and  said  no  more  on  the  subject.  After  breakfast  I 
set  out  for  Washington,  where  I  arrived  in  safety, 
thanks  to  my  good  stars. 


JOHN  BULL  IN   AMERICA.  359 


CHAPTER  XVII. 

Washington  —  Dr.  Thornton  —  Story  of  the  roaring  reprobate  republican, 
Ramsbottom  —  Story  of  an  English  emigrant  farmer  —  His  project  — 
Disappointment.  **************** 

"  EVERY  thing  is  morally  and  physically  mean  at 
Washington,"  as  the  Quarterly  says.*  The  breezes 
are  perfumed  by  nuisances  of  all  sorts  —  the  flies  die 
and  mortify  in  the  oily  butter,  and  are  eaten  by  the 
people  as  a  great  luxury  f  —  drinking,  dirking,  and 
gouging,  are  the  ordinary  amusements  —  profanity 
and  cheating  the  order  of  the  day  —  the  fire-flies  and 
frogs  furnish  the  lights  and  the  music  —  the  men  are 
boisterous  and  rude  —  the  children  intolerable  —  the 
women  all  as  ugly  as  sin  —  and,  to  sum  up  all  in  one 
word,  I  was  assured  by  Dr.  Thornton  who  saved  the 
capitol  from  being  burnt  last  war,  that  "the  whole 
country,  like  ancient  Rome,  is  peopled  by  thieves  and 
robbers."  J  The  doctor  told  me  in  confidence  that 
although,  like  many  other  deluded  Englishmen,  he 
had  been  induced  to  leave  his  country,  yet  he  was  de 
termined  not  one  of  his  posterity  should  take  root 
after  him  in  this  detestable  district.§  The  doctor  pre- 

*  Vide  No.  68,  Eng.  ed.  f  Ibid.  J  Ibid. 

§  There  is  reason  to  suspect  that  the  person  here  quoted  was  not  the  Dr. 
Thornton  he  professed  himself  to  be,  but  an  impostor;  or  at  any  rate  that 
the  doctor  was  bantering  our  traveller  on  these  occasions.  It  is  quite  impos 
sible  he  should  have  been  serious.  There  is  the  same  unwarrantable  freedom 
taken  with  the  name  of  this  gentleman  in  Faux's  Travels,  as  will  be  seen  in 
the  58th  number  of  the  Quarterly,  (English  ed.),  to  which  our  author  so  fre 
quently  refers.  By  the  way,  people  should  be  careful  how  they  attempt  to 
hoax  English  travellers  with  these  stories,  for  they  will  certainly  record  them 
as  actual  facts.  —  Editor. 


360  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

sides  over  a  department  where  models  of  machinery 
are  deposited,  and  it  furnishes  another  proof  of  the 
total  ignorance  of  these  immaculate  republicans,  that 
they  were  obliged  to  select  an  Englishman  for  this 
station,  because  there  was  not  a  single  native  in  the 
whole  country,  that  was  qualified  for  the  place.  The 
doctor  did  not  exactly  say  this,  but  he  intimated  as 
much.  He  also  further  assured  me  that  there  was  not 
a  single  invention  patented  here  that  he  himself  had 
not  previously  anticipated.  Yet  these  people  pretend 
to  original  genius. 

To  exemplify  the  state  of  manners  and  morals,  as 
well  as  the  ferocious,  intemperate  passions  engendered 
and  fostered  by  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democracy,  the 
doctor  related  to  me  the  following  anecdote.  The 
affair  took  place  a  few  days  before  my  arrival. 

It  seems  a  fellow  by  the  name  of  Ramsbottom,*  a 
man-milliner  by  trade,  and  a  roaring  republican,  had 
taken  offence  at  a  neighbour  whose  name  was  Hig- 
ginbottom,  because  his  wife  had  attempted  to  cheapen 
a  crimped  tucker  at  his  shop,  and  afterwards  reported 
that  he  sold  his  things  much  dearer  than  his  rival 
man-milliner  who  lived  over  the  way,  whose  name 
was  Winterbottom,  and  whose  next-door  neighbour 
on  the  right  hand  was  named  Leatherbottom,  and  on 
the  left  Oddy.  In  the  pure  spirit  of  democracy,  Rams- 
bottom,  who  was  reckoned  rather  a  good-natured 
fellow  for  a  republican,  determined  to  dirk,  not  only 
Higginbottom,  Winterbottom,  Leatherbottom,  and 
Oddy,  but  likewise  their  wives,  together  with  all  the 
little  Higginbottoms,  Winterbottoms,  Leatherbottoms, 

*  Our  author  forgets  that  he  has  told  this  story  before,  two  or  three  times. 
But  this  is  excusable  in  a  stranger.  —  Printer's  Devil. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  361 

Oddys,  and  Oddities.  It  was  several  years  before 
Ramsbottom  could  get  them  all  together,  so  as  to 
make  one  job  of  it.  At  last,  however,  he  collected 
the  whole  party  at  his  own  house,  which  was  next 
door  to  the  doctor's,  to  keep  their  Christmas-eve,  and 
determined  to  execute  his  diabolical  purpose.  It  ap 
pears,  however,  that  he  had  previously  changed  his 
purpose  of  dirking  —  on  account  of  the  trouble  proba 
bly,  as  he  was  a  lazy  dog.  Be  this  as  it  may,  just  as 
the  whole  party  were  up  to  their  eyes  in  a  Christmas- 
pie,  a  horrible  explosion  took  place  —  the  house  blew 
up,  and  every  soul,  Ramsbottom,  Higginbottom,  Win- 
terbottom,  Leatherbottorn,  their  wives,  and  all  the 
little  innocent  Ramsbottoms,  Higginbottoms,  Win- 
terbottoms,  Leatherbottoms,  Oddys,  and  Oddities, 
were  scattered  in  such  minute  and  indivisible  atoms, 
that  not  a  vestige  of  them  could  be  found  the  next 
day,  except  a  little  bit  of  Mrs.  Higginbottom' s  fore 
finger,  that  was  known  by  the  length  of  the  nail ;  it 
being  the  custom  of  the  ladies  of  Washington  to  let 
that  particular  nail  grow,  for  the  purpose  of  protect 
ing  themselves  against  gouging  at  tea-parties  and 
elsewhere.  Such  is  the  ferocity  and  deadly  spirit  of 
vengeance  generated  in  the  hotbed  of  polluted  democ 
racy,  that  the  desperado,  Ramsbottom,  it  appears,  like 
another  republican  Samson  of  old,  hesitated  not  to 
involve  himself  and  all  his  family  in  destruction,  only 
to  be  revenged  upon  a  poor  woman  for  cheapening  a 
crimped  tucker. 

The  first  thing  in  Washington  that  excites  the  no 
tice  of  a  stranger  who  has  been  used  to  living  under 
a  monarchical,  or,  what  is  the  same  thing,  a  Christian, 
dispensation,  is,  that  there  is  not  a  single  church  in 


362  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

the  whole  city.  This  however  is  the  case  with  every 
town  and  city  in  this  country  founded  since  the  revo 
lution,  when,  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democracy  getting 
the  upper  hand,  as  might  be  expected  the  building  of 
churches  was  dispensed  with  as  highly  aristocratic. 
So  much,  indeed,  did  the  British  troops  feel  the  want 
of  some  place  of  religious  worship  when  they  entered 
the  city  during  the  late  war,  that,  as  I  was  assured  by 

Dr.   T ,  the  gallant   Cockburn  actually  delayed 

setting  fire  to  the  President's  house  a  whole  hour, 
to  afford  them  a  decent  place  to  say  their  prayers  in. 
The  doctor  solemnly  declared  to  me  it  was  the  most 
edifying  sight  he  ever  witnessed,  and  that  he  looked 
upon  the  gallant  Cockburn  as  one  of  the  genuine 
representatives  of  the  pious  crusaders  of  yore,  for  he 
never  went  on  a  burning  or  plundering  expedition 
without  saying  his  prayers  beforehand. 

On  Sunday  morning,  (as  it  was,  for  the  reason  be 
fore  stated,  impossible  for  me  to  attend  church),  it 
being  excessively  hot,  I  took  my  umbrella,  and  strolled 
out  into  the  solitudes  of  this  immense  city.  I  had 
not  proceeded  far,  when  I  was  assailed  by  a  mob  of 
some  two  or  three  hundred  negroes  and  boys,  who 
began  pelting  me  with  various  unseemly  missiles. 
Not  knowing  what  offence  I  had  committed,  I  was  in 
considerable  perplexity,  when  a  sober  respectable  per 
son  came  up  and  explained  the  whole  matter.  "  It  is 
the  custom  here,"  said  he,  "  where  but  few  persons 
enjoy  the  luxury  of  hats,  to  put  them  on  the  top  of 
their  umbrellas  instead  of  their  heads,  in  order  to 
make  them  the  more  conspicuous.  Your  omitting 
to  do  this  has  caused  a  suspicion  of  your  being  an 
Englishman,  and  that  you  have  not  already  lost  both 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  363 

eyes  and  part  of  your  nose,  and  been  roasted  at  a  log- 
fire,  is  a  great  piece  of  good  luck."  By  his  advice,  I 
immediately  did  homage  to  the  genius  of  democracy, 
by  placing  my  hat  on  the  top  of  my  umbrella,  and 
hoisting  both  over  my  head.  This  appeased  the  mob, 
who  gave  three  cheers,  under  cover  of  which  I  re 
treated,  accompanied  by  the  stranger,  who  I  at  first 
took  it  for  granted  had  a  design  to  rob  me,  if  not 
something  worse. 

Upon  further  intercourse  and  examination,  how 
ever,  I  had  a  shrewd  suspicion  of  his  being  one  of  my 
own  countrymen.  He  was  a  stout,  square-built  man, 
with  a  broad  ruddy  face,  redolent  of  small-beer ;  all 
which  appearances  were  in  perfect  contrast  with  the 
rawboned,  cadaverous  figures  of  the  natives.  Instead 
of  the  light  loose  pantaloons,  short  gingham  coats, 
and  detestable  straw  hats,  which  constitute  the  sum 
mer  dress  of  the  Yankee  gentlemen,  he  wore  a  frock 
of  genuine  British  broadcloth,  a  pair  of  corduroy 
breeches,  and  woollen  stockings,  all  which  gave  him 
a  respectable  and  responsible  appearance,  although 
rather  warm  for  the  season.  These  peculiarities, 
together  with  a  certain  politeness  of  manner  and 
purity  of  language,  almost  persuaded  me  that  he  was 
a  true  Englishman,  and  presently  afterward,  seeing 
him  wipe  his  nose  on  the  sleeve  of  his  coat,  I  became 
satisfied  my  conjecture  was  well  founded.  We  soon 
became  sociable,  and  continued  our  walk  together 
some  time.  I  found  him,  like  all  the  Englishmen  I 
have  met  with  here,  out  of  humour  and  discontented 
with  every  thing  —  the  people,  the  country,  the  gov 
ernment,  the  air,  the  water,  and  most  especially  the 
system  of  farming  and  the  obstinate  ignorance  of  the 
American  farmers. 


364  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

"  I  brought  with  me  to  this  country,"  said  he,  "  ris 
ing  of  two  thousand  guineas,  with  part  of  which  I 
bought  a  farm  in  Pennsylvania.  Being  determined 
to  show  them  something  in  the  way  of  farming  which 
they  never  saw  before,  for  the  honour  of  Old  England, 
I  sent  home  for  iron  ploughs,  iron  harrows,  and  iron 
rakes ;  in  short  I  had  every  thing  of  iron,  even  to  my 
hog-trough.  I  also  imported  an  English  bull,  English 
cows,  English  sheep,  English  hogs,  an  English  dairy- 
woman,  an  English  ploughman,  English  ploughs,  and 
all  sorts  of  English  farming  implements.  All  this 
cost  me  a  great  deal  of  money  —  but  I  was  deter 
mined  to  show  the  Yankee  farmers  something,  for  the 
honour  of  Old  England. 

"  As  I  expected  huge  crops,  owing  to  my  improved 
system  of  English  farming,  I  built  large  barns  for  my 
wheat  and  hay,  large  stables  for  my  horses,  oxen, 
cows,  sheep,  and  other  stock,  for  I  was  determined 
they  should  be  well  lodged.  I  spent  a  vast  deal  in 
hedging,  ditching,  and  other  improvements,  the  labour 
of  which  was  rather  expensive,  and  made  another 
great  hole  in  my  guineas.  However,  I  was  resolved 
to  show  these  bumpkins  something  in  the  way  of 
farming,  for  the  honour  of  Old  England. 

"  I  was  so  much  taken  up  with  these  preparatory 
arrangements  that  the  season  passed  away  before  I 
had  time  to  put  in  my  crops,  so  that  I  was  under  the 
necessity  of  purchasing  food  and  fodder  for  myself 
and  my  English  stock,  which  made  another  hole  in 
my  guineas.  However,  the  spring  came  on,  and  I  set 
to  work  to  show  the  Yankees  something  in  the  way 
of  farming,  for  the  honour  of  Old  England.  My  bull 
had  been  stuffed  and  curry-combed  till  he  had  grown 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  365 

a  perfect  monster,  so  that,  when  I  turned  him  into  the 
field,  the  neighbours  came  from  ten  miles  round  to 
see  him.  An  old  Quaker,  whose  farm  joined  mine, 
said  to  me,  l  Friend,  I  fear  our  earth  is  not  strong 
enough  for  thy  bull ; '  but  I  paid  no  attention  to  his 
slang. 

"  Being  perfectly  satisfied,  from  the  analysis  of  Sir 
Humphrey  Davy,  that  wheat,  rye,  corn,  and  the  other 
grains  cultivated  in  this  country,  contained  little  or  no 
nourishment  as  compared  with  other  products,  I  deter 
mined  to  put  my  whole  force  upon  a  field  of  four 
acres,  which  I  devoted  to  the  cultivation  of  ruta-baga. 
With  my  iron  plough,  my  iron  harrow,  and  my  En 
glish  ploughman  assisted  by  two  Yankee  labourers,  in 
the  course  of  two  months  I  put  my  four  acres  into 
such  order  as  never  had  been  seen  before.  It  was  a 
perfect  garden.  The  rows  were  as  straight  as  arrows, 
and  there  was  not  a  clod  of  earth  above  ground  as 
large  as  an  egg  to  be  seen.  Every-body  came  to  ad 
mire,  but  as  yet  nobody  imitated  me,  —  such  is  the 
ignorant  and  insolent  obstinacy  of  the  Yankee  farmers. 

"'Friend,'  said  my  neighbour,  the  old  Quaker  — 
*  friend  Shortridge,  what  art  thou  going  to  put  into 
thy  field  here  ? ' 

" '  Ruta-baga.' 

" '  Ruta-baga  !  —  what  is  that,  friend  John  ? ' 

« <  Turnips,'  replied  I. 

« '  Well,  why  didn't  thee  call  them  so  at  first  ?  If 
thou  talkest  Latin  here,  nobody  will  understand  thee, 
friend  John.  But  what  art  thou  going  to  do  with  thy 
turnips  ? ' 

" 1 1  shall  feed  my  cattle,  sheep,  and  hogs  with 
some,  and  sell  the  rest  to  my  neighbours.' 


366  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

" '  But  thy  neighbours  will  raise  their  own  turnips, 
and  will  not  buy.' 

" '  Then  I  will  send  them  to  market.5 

" '  What,  sixty  miles,  over  a  turnpike  ?  That  will 
be  a  bad  speculation,  friend  John.  Thee  had  best  put 
in  a  few  acres  of  wheat  and  corn.  They  will  pay  the 
expense  of  taking  to  market.  Thy  turnips  will  cost 
more  than  they  will  come  to.' 

"'Not  I,  indeed,  friend  Underbill,'  said  I.  'Sir 
Humphrey  Davy  says  there  is  little  or  no  nourishment 
in  wheat  and  corn.' 

"  '  No  ? ',  quoth  the  old  Quaker,  with  a  sly  glance  at 
his  round  portly  figure ;  —  'I  have  lived  upon  them 
all  my  life,  and  never  made  the  discovery,  friend  John.' 

"  My  ruta-bagas  flourished  to  the  admiration  of  the 
whole  neighbourhood;  and  when  I  came  to  gather 
my  crop  in  the  fall,  there  was  a  heap  as  high  as  a 
hay-stack.  Some  of  them  measured  eighteen  inches 
in  diameter.  I  was  as  proud  as  a  peacock,  for  I  had 
now  done  something  for  the  honour  of  Old  England. 
I  determined  to  give  my  cattle,  sheep,  and  hogs,  a 
great  feast,  and  invited  my  good  neighbour,  the 
Quaker,  to  see  how  they  would  eat  ruta-baga.  A 
quantity  was  nicely  cut  up  and  thrown  to  them  one 
morning,  but,  to  my  astonishment  and  mortification, 
not  one  would  touch  a  morsel.  Whether  it  was  that 
they  had  become  spoiled  by  a  fine  season  of  grass  I 
cannot  tell;  but  the  bull  turned  up  his  nose  —  the 
cows  turned  their  backs,  and  so  did  the  sheep  —  while 
the  pigs  ran  away,  screaming  mightily.  '  Thee  should 
set  them  to  reading  Sir  Humphrey  Davy,  friend  John,' 
quoth  my  neighbour  —  'they  haven't  learning  enough 
to  relish  thy  Latin  turnips.' 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  367 

"  The  autumn  was  now  come,  and  there  was  a  long 
winter  before  me,  for  which,  I  confess,  I  was  but  ill- 
provided.  Relying  on  my  specific,  I  had  neglected 
my  grass,  or  rather  had  pastured  it  the  whole  season ; 
depending  on  my  turnips,  as  I  said  before,  for  winter 
food  for  my  stock.  I  sent  a  load  of  them  to  market, 
but  the  .tolls  and  other  expenses  swallowed  up  the 
price  of  the  venture,  and  brought  me  a  little  in  debt. 
I  then  offered  to  exchange  ruta-bagas  with  my  neigh 
bours  for  hay  and  other  products,  but  they  shook  their 
heads  and  declined,  to  a  man. 

"  On  the  back  of  this  came  the  loss  of  my  fa 
mous  bull,  who  one  night  got  into  a  piece  of  low- 
ground,  where  he  sunk  in,  and  perished  before  morn 
ing.  *  I  am  sorry  for  thy  loss,  friend  John,'  said  the 
old  Quaker ;  *  but  I  told  thee  our  earth  was  not  strong 
enough  for  a  beast  with  such  little  short  legs  and  such 
a  huge  body.'  To  mend  the  matter,  my  plump,  rosy- 
faced,  English  dairy-maid  got  married  to  a  young  fel 
low  of  the  neighbourhood,  whose  father  was  a  rich 
farmer,  and  my  imported  ploughman,  being  told  that  a 
dram  in  the  morning  was  good  for  keeping  off  the  ague 
and  fever,  seemed  to  think  he  couldn't  have  too  much 
of  a  good  thing,  and  was  fuddled  from  morning  till 
night. 

"  Winter  came  on,  and  a  terrible  long  hard  winter 
it  was.  For  some  time  I  purchased  of  the  neigh 
bours  what  I  wanted  for  my  family  and  stock,  but 
the  spring  turning  out  very  backward,  and  the  frost 
continuing  till  late  in  April,  all  kinds  of  food  for  cat 
tle  and  stock  became  so  scarce  that  there  was  none  to 
be  had  for  love  or  money.  As  a  last  resort,  I  resolved 
again  to  try  the  ruta-bagas.  Accordingly,  after  pre- 


368  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

paring  my  cattle  and  pigs  by  a  long  fast,  I  offered 
some  to  their  acceptance.  It  was  Hobson's  choice, 
and  they  nibbled  a  little,  making  divers  wry  faces 
withal.  By  degrees  they  took  to  it  more  kindly,  and 
ate  freely.  But  somehow  or  other,  so  far  from  thriv 
ing  or  growing  fat  upon  this  fare,  they  dwindled  away, 
so  that  many  of  them  gave  up  the  ghost,  and  those 
that  were  turned  to  pasture  in  the  spring  looked  like 
skeletons.  The  old  Quaker  came  to  inspect  them  one 
day.  '  Thy  cattle  are  rather  lean,  friend  John,'  said 
he,  '  but  there  is  one  comfort,  they  will  not  sink  into 
the  marshes  and  perish,  like  thy  fat  Teeswater  bull.' 

"  Thus  ended  my  first  season  of  farming.  It  had 
not  realized  my  expectations  to  be  sure,  but  I  had 
now  grown  somewhat  wiser  by  experience,  and  was 
resolved  this  year  to  do  something  handsome  for  the 
honour  of  Old  England.  About  this  time  my  brother, 
a  capital  Norfolk  farmer,  wrote  me  word  Sir  Hum 
phrey  Davy  had  just  announced  to  the  world  an  an 
alysis  of  carrots,  by  which  it  appeared  that  they  con 
tain  a  greater  quantity  of  saccharine  matter  than 
any  other  common  vegetable,  and  consequently  more 
nourishment.  Seizing  this  hint,  I  turned  my  attention 
immediately  to  the  cultivation  of  carrots,  being  re 
solved  to  reap  the  benefit  at  once,  before  anybody 
should  enter  into  competition.  I  selected  a  field  of 
sixteen  acres,  which  I  employed  six  labourers  to  pre 
pare  and  cultivate  under  my  direction.  i  John,'  said 
the  old  Quaker,  'what  art  thou  about  this  season? 
Art  thou  in  love  with  thy  Latin  turnips  still  ? ' 

" '  Pshaw ! '  replied  I,  '  carrots  have  twice  as  much 
saccharine  matter.  I  am  going  to  cultivate  carrots.' 

" '  Friend  John,  thou  wilt  never  prosper  till  thou 


JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA.  369 

callest  things  by  their  honest  Christian  names.  But 
what  dost  thou  expect  to  do  with  thy  sixteen  acres  of 
saccharine  matter  ? ' 

" '  I  shall  feed  my  cattle  with  part,  and  send  the 
rest  to  market.' 

" '  Ah !  John,  John,'  exclaimed  the  old  Quaker,  '  re 
member  thy  turnips  with  the  hard  name.' 

"  My  crop  of  carrots  was  amazing.  I  had  such  a 
quantity  I  did  not  know  what  to  do  with  them,  for 
my  neighbours  had  enough  of  their  own,  and  they 
were  not  worth  taking  to  market.  My  cattle,  to  be 
sure,  having  little  else,  sometimes  tried  to  eat  them, 
but  they  some  how  or  other  didn't  thrive,  and  besides 
this,  I  and  my  family  could  not  live  upon  carrots. 
This  winter,  therefore,  I  was  again  obliged  to  buy 
almost  every  thing  I  wanted,  and  the  remainder  of  my 
guineas  vanished.  Not  only  this,  but  I  was  compelled 
to  take  up  money  from  the  old  Quaker  to  a  consider 
able  amount,  to  buy  stock  to  replace  several  of  my 
horses,  cows,  and  sheep,  that  died  during  the  winter ; 
for,  some  how  or  other,  the  saccharine  matter  of  the 
carrots  did  not  seem  to  agree  with  them.  Every  time 
I  went  to  the  Quaker  to  borrow  money,  he  would  say, 
after  letting  me  have  it,  '  Friend  John,  thee  had  better 
plant  corn  and  sow  wheat  and  rye,  as  we  do,  though 
they  don't  contain  quite  so  much  of  the  saccharine 
matter.'  My  reply  usually  was,  '  Friend  Underbill, 
thy  money  is  better  than  thy  advice.  I  didn't  come 
aU  the  way  from  Old  England  to  learn  farming  of 
you  Yankees.' 

"  But,  although  I  put  in  practice  regularly  the  most 
approved  methods  recommended  by  Arthur  Young 
and  other  great  English  farmers,  and  adopted  every 

24 


370  JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA. 

improvement  I  saw  published  by  the  English  agricul 
tural  societies,  I  as  regularly  went  behindhand  every 
year,  and  was  obliged  to  borrow  money,  every  now 
and  then,  of  the  old  Quaker,  who  never  failed  to  re 
peat  his  advice,  which  I  always  treated  in  the  same 
manner.  Whoever  heard  of  a  thorough-bred  English 
farmer  demeaning  himself  by  imitating  these  ignorant 
Yankees  ? 

"  I  had  forgot  to  mention,  among  other  instances  of 
the  obstinacy  with  which  these  republicans  adhere  to 
their  barbarous  notions,  that  they  resisted  all  my  per 
suasions  to  adopt  the  wholesome  English  custom  of 
wearing  woollen  garments  during  the  summer.  They 
stuck  to  their  straw  hats  and  linen  shirts  and  trowsers, 
and  laughed  at  my  corduroy  breeches  and  worsted 
stockings,  though  I  proved  to  them  they  were  much 
the  more  healthy  and  comfortable.  To  be  sure,  I  used 
to  perspire  a  little  in  the  dog-days  —  but  what  of  that  ? 
I  was  resolved  not  to  sacrifice  the  honour  of  Old  Eng 
land  to  the  ignorance  of  these  raw  republicans.  The 
old  Quaker  came  to  me  one  day,  when  the  thermom 
eter  was  at  ninety,  and  said  in  his  sly  way,  '  Friend 
John,  if  thee  is  cold,  I  will  lend  thee  my  great  coat, 
for  verily  it  is  a  bitter  day,  for  the  season.'  I  took  no 
notice  of  what  he  said,  for,  though  I  really  did  feel  a 
little  uncomfortable,  it  would  have  been  too  great 
a  triumph  for  these  people,  to  see  me  adopting  any  of 
their  notions. 

"  At  the  end  of  three  years  I  went  one  day  to  the 
old  Quaker,  to  take  up  some  more  money.  '  Friend 
John,'  said  he,  '  hast  thou  ever  read  in  Sir  Humphrey 
Davy,  or  any  of  thine  oracles,  that  borrowing-day  is 
always  sooner  or  later  followed  by  pay-day  ?  Thou 


JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA.  371 

hast  been  borrowing  for  the  last  three  years,  without 
paying  either  principal  or  interest.  I  cannot  advance 
thee  any  more,  for  thy  farm  will  scarcely  sell  for  what 
will  pay  the  debt  thou  already  owest  me.'  This  was 
a  thing  that  had  not  struck  me  before,  as  I  had  never 
read  of  it  either  in  Arthur  Young  or  any  other  ap 
proved  agriculturist.  As  it  was  known  all  over  the 
neighbourhood  that  my  farm  was  mortgaged  for  its 
full  value  to  the  Quaker,  my  credit  was  now  gone ; 
and,  in  order  to  raise  money  for  the  supply  of  my  in 
creasing  wants,  I  began  to  cut  down  the  trees,  and 
sell  the  timber  to  the  wheelwrights  and  others. 

"  Hearing  of  this,  the  old  Quaker  came  to  me,  and 
said,  '  Friend  John,  if  thou  goest  on  in  this  way,  thy 
farm  will,  by  and  by,  be  without  wood,  and  will  not 
sell  for  wherewithal  to  pay  my  mortgages.  For  thy 
sake,  as  well  as  mine,  I  shall  foreclose.'  He  did  so. 
My  farm  was  sold  at  public  sale  by  the  sheriff,  and 
bought  in  by  the  old  Quaker  to  save  himself  from 
loss.  When  I  was  on  the  point  of  quitting  the  neigh 
bourhood,  he  came  to  me  and  said,  '  Friend  John, 
thou  art  going  away  among  strangers,  without  money. 
Here  is  fifty  dollars  to  begin  the  world  again,  which 
thou  wilt  pay  me  when  thou  art  able,  and  I  will  give 
thee  a  little  advice  that  will,  if  thou  takest  it,  be  worth 
ten  times  as  much.  It  is,  to  remember  whenever  thou 
comest  into  a  strange  country,  there  is  always  some 
thing  to  learn,  as  well  as  to  teach.  The  same  shoe 
will  not  fit  every  body's  foot,  neither  will  the  same 
mode  of  farming  suit  every  country.  The  best  farmer 
is  not  he  that  raises  the  greatest  crops,  but  he  that 
raises  them  at  the  least  expense.  In  thy  country,  land 
is  dear  and  labour  cheap  —  in  ours,  labour  is  dear 


372  JOHN   BULL   IN   AMERICA. 

and  land  cheap.  This  must  needs  make  a  difference 
in  the  quantity  of  labour  which  it  is  profitable  to  put 
on  thy  land,  so  that  the  product  will  pay  for  thy 
labour.  Moreover,  thy  big  bull  with  the  little  short 
legs,  and  thy  big  fat  sheep  and  cows  that  can  scarcely 
waddle  along,  will  do  for  the  smooth  lawns,  close- 
shaven  hills,  and  cool  skies  of  thy  country,  but  they 
will  not  stand  our  hot  summers,  our  swampy  low- 
grounds  and  our  rough  rocky  mountains.  Moreover, 
I  do  most  especially  recommend  thee  to  eschew  turnips 
with  Latin  names ;  to  plant  corn  and  potatoes ;  sow 
wheat  and  rye,  like  thy  neighbours;  and,  above  all, 
abjure  Sir  Humphrey  Davy  and  his  saccharine  matter. 
Farewell,  friend  John ;  I  wish  thee  better  success 
another  time.'" 

I  have  given  this  story  as  nearly  as  possible,  for  the 
purpose  of  exhibiting  at  full  length  a  warning  example 
to  our  English  farmers  at  home,  who  may  be  about  to 
emigrate  to  this  country.  In  order  to  succeed,  they 
must,  in  the  first  place,  accommodate  themselves  to 
situation  and  circumstances,  which  is  contrary  to  the 
independent  nature  and  feelings  of  a  true-born  Eng 
lishman.  Instead  of  the  soil,  climate,  products,  and 
seasons,  accommodating  themselves  to  their  mode  of 
farming,  as  they  ought  to  do  considering  its  immense 
superiority,  our  farmers,  forsooth,  must  pay  homage 
to  the  genius  of  democracy,  and  degrade  themselves 
by  stooping  to  learn  where  they  came  to  teach.  They 
must  consent  to  grow  articles  that  will  pay  for  carry 
ing  to  market,  although  they  don't  contain  half  the 
quantity  of  saccharine  matter  which  others  do  —  they 
must  plant  corn  and  wheat,  instead  of  carrots  and 
ruta-baga  —  they  must  unlearn  their  own  knowledge, 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  373 

and  adopt  the  ignorance  of  others  —  they  must  even 
consult  the  wayward  appetites  of  their  imported  cattle 
and  pigs,  who  seem  actually  to  become  sophisticated, 
by  breathing  the  air  of  democracy,  and  occasionally 
smelling  to  the  Yankee  cattle  over  a  stone  wall. 

After  spending  the  whole  morning  together,  stroll 
ing  along  the  shady  river,  we  returned  to  dinner.  The 
day  was  so  excessively  hot  that  I  almost  caught  my 
self  envying  the  Yankees  their  short  gingham  coats, 
straw  hats,  and  linen  pantaloons.  My  poor  friend  in 
the  woollen  stockings  panted  like  a  tired  mastiff,  and 
perspired  like  an  ox;  but  still  there  was  something 
very  respectable  in  his  blue  broad-cloth  frock,  striped 
swans-down  waistcoat,  corduroy  breeches,  and  gray 
worsted  hose.  I  forgot  to  mention  that  this  deluded, 
though  worthy,  man  had  come  to  Washington  for 
the  purpose  of  petitioning  the  congress  to  establish 
a  farm  at  the  public  expense,  and  under  his  special 
direction,  with  the  view  of  giving  a  practical  illustra 
tion  of  the  benefits  of  a  system  of  farming  adapted 
to  an  old  country,  when  applied  to  a  new  one.  But 
his  proposal  was  treated  with  the  most  stupid  in 
difference  by  the  arrogant,  self-sufficient,  bundling, 
gouging,  guessing,  drinking,  dirking,  spitting,  chewing, 
pig-stealing,  impious  genius  of  democracy,  as  the 
Quarterly  says.  ******** 


POSTSCRIPT 


TO 


THE    THIRD    EDITION. 


IT  is  with  singular  satisfaction  the  publisher  of  this 
work  announces  to  the  public  that,  notwithstanding 
the  very  suspicious  circumstances  under  which  the 
writer  disappeared  from  Washington,  as  related  in 
the  preface,  it  hath  been  ascertained  to  a  moral  cer 
tainty  that  he  not  only  escaped  with  life  but  is  still 
living.  It  is  supposed  that  he  took  the  opportunity 
of  his  room-mate's  being  asleep  to  make  good  his 
escape ;  so  that  we  rejoice  to  have  it  in  our  power  to 
vindicate  the  little  Frenchman,  (who,  we  confess,  is  a 
great  favourite  of  ours),  from  the  atrocious  suspicions 
which,  to  our  shame  be  it  spoken,  we  assisted  so  ma 
terially  in  giving  currency  to. 

What  became  of  the  amateur  of  the  Quarterly 
after  his  miraculous  disappearance  is  not  certainly 
known ;  but,  from  what  we  shall  relate,  it  will  appear 
that  he  continued  his  researches  into  the  nature  and 
depravity  of  a  republican  government,  finished  the 
tour  of  the  United  States,  and  returned  safely  to  Eng 
land,  where  he  published  an  account  of  his  travels, 
so  perfectly  similar  in  style,  character,  and  sentiment, 
to  the  present  production,  as  to  prove  his  identity  with 

[375] 


376  POSTSCRIPT. 

our  author  beyond  all  contradiction.  Anybody  who 
reads  the  late  work  called  "  Men  and  Manners  in  the 
United  States  ",  and  compares  it  with  this,  will  require 
no  further  proof. 

But,  if  any  further  proof  should  be  wanted,  the  fol 
lowing  fact  will  silence  the  most  resolute  doubter.  It 
so  happened,  that,  when  this  distinguished  navigator 
visited  the  city  of  Washington  on  his  second  tour  to  this 
country,  (which  it  is  presumed  he  undertook  for  the 
purpose  of  supplying  the  loss  of  his  invaluable  manu 
script,  as  related  in  our  preface),  he  put  up  at  the 
Mansion  Hotel,  the  very  house  from  whence  he  so 
strangely  disappeared.  The  same  waiter  still  retained 
his  post  in  the  hotel,  and  immediately  recognized  the 
companion  of  the  inscrutable  little  Frenchman,  who, 
it  was  afterwards  ascertained,  had  departed  in  an 
early  stage  for  the  South,  without  exciting  any  notice, 
so  that  the  incident  was  forgotten  at  the  time. 

The  distinguished  navigator  was  at  first  inclined  to 
deny  his  identity,  and  demurred  to  the  payment  of  the 
small  score  he  had  run  up  previous  to  his  abrupt 
secession  some  years  before.  But  the  proofs  were  so 
strong,  that,  though  he  had  disguised  himself  in  a 
clean  dicky  to  pay  a  visit  to  the  President,  he  was 
finally  compelled  to  plead  guilty  and  settle  his  bill. 

Thus  is  this  mysterious  affair  at  length  cleared  up, 
to  the  satisfaction  of  the  world,  and  the  exonerating 
of  the  little  Frenchman  from  all  suspicion  of  murder 
or  abduction.  It  was  a  singular  coincidence,  which 
many  people  thought  rather  remarkable,  that,  on  the 
very  day  the  distinguished  navigator  arrived  at  Wash 
ington  from  the  North,  on  his  second  visit,  the  little 
Frenchman  came  in  from  the  South,  with  the  same 


POSTSCRIPT.  377 

mahogany  face,  and  the  same  ear-rings ;  but  we  re 
gret  to  say  he  had  changed  his  dimity  breeches  for 
a  pair  of  cloth  ones,  the  weather  being  rather  cool. 
The  little  man  recognized  his  old  travelling  companion 
with  evident  gratification,  and  at  once  put  an  end  to 
ah1  doubts  as  to  his  being  the  same  person. 

The  behaviour  of  the  distinguished  navigator,  on 
occasion  of  this  rencounter  with  the  little  Frenchman, 
was  rather  ludicrous,  as  we  have  heard.  He  received 
his  cordial  shake  of  the  hand  with  trembling  dignity, 
and  tried  to  look  big,  as  the  vulgar  say ;  but  it  would 
not  do.  The  deportment  of  the  little  man  was  so 
irresistibly  frank  and  good-humoured  that  he  could 
have  no  pretext  for  rudeness,  and  suffered  him  to 
shake  his  hand,  while  he  cried  out,  "  What !,  hasn't 
monsieur  got  to  New  Orleans  yet  ?  "  But  the  distin 
guished  navigator,  it  seems,  had  not  got  over  his  fears 
of  robbery  and  murder,  and  made  a  precipitate  retreat 
from  Washington  within  an  hour  after  this  meeting, 
although  he  was  engaged  to  dine  with  all  the  heads 
of  department  in  succession,  and  invited  to  thirteen 
evening  entertainments.  He  crossed  the  bridge  over 
the  Potomac  towards  the  South ;  but  immediately  re 
turned  by  the  Georgetown  ferry,  and  shaped  his 
course  North  as  fast  as  he  could  drive.  It  is  supposed 
this  manoeuvre  was  to  deceive  the  little  Frenchman. 

It  gives  us  great  pleasure  to  state  that  the  author 
of  "  Men  and  Manners  "  arrived  safely  in  New  York, 
and  on  being  offered  by  the  publisher  his  due  share  of 
the  profits  of  this  work  generously  refused  to  receive 
a  farthing.  It  only  remains  for  us  to  retract  the  asser 
tion  in  our  prefatory  notice  in  regard  to  the  gentle 
man  known  as  THE  TALKING  POTATO,  which  we  do, 


378  POSTSCRIPT. 

at  the  same  time  expressing  our  regret  at  the  miscon 
ception.  The  present  work  undoubtedly  belongs  to 
the  author  of  "  Men  and  Manners  ",  and  we  are  sorry 
that  he  should  have  been  so  long  deprived  of  his 
honours  by  any  mistake  of  ours. 

NEW  YORK,  1834. 


THE  END. 


Cambridge :  Press  of  John  Wilson  &  Son. 


442 


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